Night Court S2E20 - English Transcript

BULL: All rise. Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable... And semi-mystical, Harold T. Stone presiding. All right, sit down. Nobody even blinked. I guess they're used to you. - You mean...? - The thrill is gone, yes, sir. Uh, here's the docket. Now all we need are the attorneys. Bull, where are Dan and Billie? Not here, Your Honor. They had to run to city hall. They're both up for an appointment... ...with the new commission on crime and youthful offenders. - Then maybe they're stuck in traffic. - Yeah. I know, I know, I'm late. I am terribly sorry, forgive me. I am ashamed, I beg your apology... ...and I promise the court that it will never happen again. Dan's not here, either. Can you believe his nerve, keeping us waiting like this? - How'd the interview go, counselor? - Not bad. I think I demonstrated a lot of knowledge about crime problems and kids. Great. What about Dan? He took another approach. Fielding, Fielding, Fielding. Fielding, Fielding, Fielding. - Fielding, Fielding, Fielding. - All right. Let me down. Come on, guys, let me down. - Fielding. - Ha, ha. - Hi. - You're late. I know, and I tried to tell them. Doesn't it do your heart good to see such an outpouring of affection? You paid those kids. - Not yet, he hasn't. - Hey, later. What a lovely gang of lads, huh? And surprisingly affordable too, I'll bet. Well, they do receive a small stipend... ...but it's part of a work-study program that I established. - You're buying their support. - No, no, no. I'm teaching them that I can buy their support. Say, what about that first case, huh? Bull. What do we got, Mac? Seven counts of lewd and immoral conduct, five counts of prostitution... ...couple of counts of intent to commit acts of prostitution. - Whoa, all by one person? - No, sir, we have four defendants. People v. Tawny LaBelle... ... Cynthia Peters, Pattie Valentine, and my wife. - Well... - Quon Le, what the hell is this all about? Hi, Mac. That is my husband. You never mentioned being married. Oh, yes. Four months ago. But I haven't seen him since the wedding. - This what they call an open relationship? - Excuse me... Actually, Mac is just sort of temporarily acting in the role of spouse. That's all we did, and we got busted for it. - Well, perhaps... - Mac and Quon Le are legally married. It's a formality, so she can stay in the country. - Well, isn't that illegal? - Well, of course it is. Say, when did I lose control? - Right off the bat, huh? BILLIE: Your Honor. Miss Young. As far as I can tell, Quon Le just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's true. I had no place to stay... ...so my new American friends let me be their roommate. According to this report, they let the entire merchant fleet be their roommate. My clients have indicated they'd be willing to plead no contest... ...on the first three charges provided prosecution drops the rest. - Agreed. - Peachy. Court finds the defendants guilty. All the defendants? Correction, Quon Le Duc is found not guilty... ...by reason of excessive innocence. Thank you, Your Honor. Now, as for Tawny and the Tawnettes here, let's make it 10 days. - Oh, come on. HARRY: Bull. Uh, could I, sir? - Yeah, go talk to her. We'll have a short... - Recess. Sorry, sir, I... Forget it. So how was it with somebody else? Okay, let's go. Say, you're sexy. I know, it's a curse. Quon Le, how'd you wind up with those bimbos? When we got married, I thought you had an apartment on the Lower East Side. I did, but I had to move after the men broke in. Somebody broke into your apartment? - To put the fire out. - You had a fire? - Yes. My drapes started burning. - How did that happen? Sparks from the couch. Which was in flames because? The microwave exploded. Due to an erroneous setting while... Heating a can of Cheez ***. Oh, my God. I was trying to make fondue. Oh, Quon Le. I lost everything, Mac. The Ginsu knives, my Civil War chess set... ...my special record albums not available in any store. Why don't I give you money, help you back on your feet? You don't have to do that. - Come on, you obviously got bills and stuff. - Yes, a few bills... Okay, then don't be embarrassed, how much do you need? - Eighteen thousand. - Eighteen thousand. Eighteen thousand? Of these? What do you think of the new choppers? - I wouldn't delude myself if I were you. - You can't be as qualified as I am. - Integrity is what I'm talking about. - Who is it? - Billie! - Dan! Come on in. - I knocked first. - I was here first. - You were not. - I was. Hi, guys. - Hello. - Hello. Something you need? DAN: Your blessing. - Excuse me? It's about the appointment on the commission. Yes, sir. They've narrowed it down to three finalists. Me, her, and some joker from the Bronx. Well, congratulations. That's quite an honor, isn't it? To have two out of the three chosen from our truck stop on the road to justice. [CHUCKLING] Yes, indeed, sir, and I am sure that it is a... A reflection on the brilliant leadership you provide here at court. I would be honored if you could see your way clear... ...to endorse my candidacy. I'd be glad to write a letter of recommendation for both of you. No. HARRY: No, what? - No, sir. You see, it has to be one or the other. Otherwise, it's gonna look like a form letter, and it won't carry any weight with them. Sir, for once, she's right. As I see it, this is an either-or situation. Her or me. And may the best man win. You guys are putting me in a tough spot. I mean, basically, you're asking me to choose between you. Well, Harry, I don't think that should be so difficult. Slit skirt, no fair. The court finds the defendant guilty with a two-day suspended sentence and a $50 fine. And, Mr. Conway, remember that a funeral at St. Pat's... ...is no place for a singing telegram. Bull. Notice how effortlessly I cornered the defendant? Dan, the man was wearing a chicken suit in a cathedral. Missed the freedom-of-religion angle, didn't you? Okay, that's lunch, everybody. Your Honor, about the letter of recommendation... I haven't made my decision yet, Dan. Fine. Oh, hey, I understand. Take your time. Do not rush into this. I'm sure your decision will be fair and just, per your usual standards. I'll be in my office. In a diabetic coma. I think I'm through, Mac. Oh, they get you processed out okay? I even got copies of my picture. - See, one for each of us. - Oh. Yeah. I'll just trim out the prisoner number. Well, goodbye, Mac. Goodbye. Wait a minute. How about... How about lunch? Thanks. But I can't. - I have to find a place to live. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Well, wait. Well, where you gonna go? I'm not sure. Shelter, mission. I hear the park is nice this time of year. Oh, Quon Le. Look, you can't stay with me. I know, Mac. Besides, I would never ask such an imposition... ...of my husband. [SNEEZING] God bless you. You don't mean it, so don't say it. Thank you. [SCREAMS] I've made my decision, guys. Come on in. We'll let you know. [DAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] [CACKLING] I got it. I got it. Ugh. Whee. Hey, Mac, wanna grab a bite to eat? I am ***. Okay. No, I'm even lower than ***, I am bread mold. I'm not so hungry now. How cruel can one person be? There's this guy in Passaic that took a meat cleaver... Bull, do you know what I just did? Does it involve animals? I just kicked Quon Le out of here. - How come? - Exactly. Exactly. What did she do to deserve that? The kid doesn't have a penny to her name... ...and I just turned her loose to the vultures in the street. Yeah. I gotta go find her. She's probably out there getting beat up by some creep... ...who wants to steal the caps off her teeth. Mac? Thank you for sharing that. What took you so long? Got a minute? I thought you took it a little too calmly before. How could you do it, Harry? How could you give it to him? That man is a walking slag heap. That may be, but he's a well-qualified slag heap. - You like him better! - Billie. Whatever we happen to think of Dan's personality... ...the fact remains that he is a well-qualified attorney... ...who has several more years experience at criminal cases than you... ...so taking everything into consideration, I felt I had to give the nod to him. Well, fine. And also taking everything into consideration, Your Honor... ...I have decided to transfer to someone else's courtroom. After all, there must be some place where I rate a little higher... ...than a colleague with the ethics of a dung beetle. HARRY: Billie. Billie, come on. Billie, I know you're a little miffed right now, but please don't... [NAILS SCREECHING] ...run your fingernails down the door. Penny for your thoughts. There you go again, throwing your money around. Sorry, I only wish to know why you tell me we should talk... ...and then say nothing. I'm going over my options in my mind. - Option? - Yeah. See, A, you move in with me, and I owe $ 18,000... ...B, you don't move in with me, and I owe $ 18,000. - There is no C? - Uh-huh. I get hit by a bus, and I die... ...owing $ 18,000. It is not you who owes money, Mac, it is I. Yeah, but you see, you're my wife. And the law says what's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours. Even love? - What? - I love you, Mac. Oh, Quon Le. And I miss you. - Quon Le... - Yes, Mac? I missed you too. I guess I didn't realize how much until I saw you again tonight. Come on, let's have some lunch and talk. - I'll buy. - Oh, you'll buy? Don't leave home without it. I thought it was a law. - No law? MAC: No law. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Yeah, come on in. You ever see Premature Burial with Ray Milland? Billie did that. I know. I saw her down at the cafeteria digging timbers out of her fingers. Bull, I'm telling you, I expected her to be disappointed by my recommendation... ...but the way she reacted was just totally off the wall. - Can I say something off the record? - Sure. You're a little dense. How about we go back on the record? She thinks you don't like her. But my not giving her the recommendation was nothing personal. Yeah, not to you. But she wanted you to say, "You're doing a good job, Billie." She wanted you to say, "I like the way you do things." We all want approval from somebody we care about and respect. And, Harry, she cares about you. And she respects you. Goodbye. HARRY: Bull. How did you get so smart, anyway? I've had some rough lessons in life, sir. And I've used those experiences to learn, and grow and survive. But mostly, it's from watching Donahue. More pickle chips? No, those soda crackers filled me right up. Mac, I am very sorry I am the cause of all your troubles. Oh, come on, come on. You're not the cause of all my troubles. Although, you've sure helped me to forget what the others might be. What's a wife for? Yeah, right. Quon Le. If we actually live together as husband and wife... I said if. - We'd have lots of problems. All newlyweds have problem. Who told you that? Bull. A man named Phil told him. Quon Le, but we'd have extra problems. Because even though America is the land of liberty and all that... ...some people haven't accepted the idea of two people from different races... ...living together as man and wife. Can you accept it? Well, of course I can accept it, but it's because I love you. PEOPLE: Aw. That is the first time you said you love me. Quon Le... ...there's a chance it could get ugly. Mac... ...I have lived with war ever since I was 5 years old. My home was destroyed, most of my family were killed. And I have lived with that horror every single day of my life. Tell me, can it get any uglier than that? I can't stand living in a messy apartment. Cleaning is my hobby. Well, not to mention, I like to watch a lot of sports on TV. Go, Cubbies. Plus, I like three eggs scrambled every day for breakfast. You have them any way you like. I don't know how to cook. Oh, what the hell, Quon Le. If you think you can put up with me... I can put up with you. Say okay. Okay. But the first thing we gotta do when we get home... ...is to sit down and figure out exactly what that 18,000 bucks went for. - Agreed. - Fine. Did I mention the Buick? Hi, Billie. Judge Stone. Okay, I know you're not too thrilled with me right now... ...but I'd like to show you what I have here in my robe. Don't you dare. - What is it? - Sort of a letter of recommendation. Thought you could take it with you. Read it. "To whom it may concern." I stole that. "Billie Young is something special." Why beat around the bush? "She's got a good head on her shoulders, but more important, she's got a good heart. She's earned the respect of her peers and the affection of friends. She's a sworn enemy of the smug, and the callous, and the corrupt. Because when it comes to other human beings, she's a lover... ...in the finest sense of the word. In short..." In short, the world is a better place because Billie Young is in it. Sincerely yours, Judge Harold T. Stone. Harry, this is lovely. I don't know how to thank you. You could start by withdrawing your application for transfer. - I never sent it in. - How come? I was afraid they'd accept it. Come on, I'll fix you a Bartini. Bosco and vermouth. - You're so crazy. - Am not. - Are to. - Am not. Hey, Dan. Pick a card, any card. Aha! Is it just my imagination, or are you a little less than chipper? I just found out it's all over. They gave my spot on the commission to the other guy. What about my recommendation? Toilet paper. I've got a friend inside. He said the board chairman thought you were too young... ...and far too flaky to be taken seriously. - You mean, l...? - Destroyed my career, yes. Well, we do what we can. You know, I just can't believe they gave it to that joker from the Bronx. MAN: Dan Fielding? What? I'm the joker from the Bronx. You... You mean, you...? Oh, well, Father... Congratulations. Thank you. Where's Ms. Young? I wanted to congratulate her on a race well run. She's well thought of down at city hall. She's got a big future. Uh, heh. Well, what about me? Oh, I heard about you too, and believe me, I know you're going places. Think hot. [ENGLISH SDH]