Veep S3E6 - English Transcript

(theme music playing) (crowd yelling) (siren chirps) Is it okay that I am actually excited to go to an economic summit? Time to lose your fiscal cherry. Oh, my God, those protesters shouldn't be allowed so close. They're just regular people, like you, Gary. Or Amy. Gary: Let me tell you that when you announce 7,000 jobs, they're gonna be fanning you with those signs. Yeah. You're gonna be like the "fairy job-mother. " (Selina chuckles) Yeah. I want Selina's job announcement on every network, okay? I want to hear the Discovery Channel say, "We interrupt these sharks. " Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect - Great. - ly ***. Your first drafts are always terrible. - That's my fourth. - Oh, God. Hey, Dan, why not put the Mike hazing on pause and tell us why we're bringing Selina's personal trainer everywhere? Because, Amy, trainers help release endorphins. I think it's a good idea. You know what? Next time I'll get a clown and cheer you up. Oh, good, a two-clown entourage. Ben: This is Clifford Powell, Rheingold Plastics. He makes the sipping lids for coffee cups. How do you do? So you're the guy who keeps burning my tongue. (laughs) Of course, you could just wait until it's a drinkable temperature. Well, that's true. That's true. Whoa, don't look now, but nine o'clock, ex-hubby. - Oh! - Hey, I'm Andrew. - You see that tie? - Yeah. - It's hideous. - Horrendous. - Suits him. - Yeah, it does. Andrew Meyer, *** on fire. The metal skeleton, you know, within the structure itself is useless, but then you put this black fabric hexagonal-shaped thing on it, and what do you have? An umbrella. And it's a winning team. And I like to think of it as a metaphor. You know, don't you think, for yes? - Sorry to interrupt. - Yeah. There's been a shooting across town. Oh, no. Three dead one of them was Emily Lafuente. Emily Lafuente, the journalist? - Yes. - She was a vicious *** - and a ***' drunk. - Yep. But that's sad news. She was a Pulitzer Prize winner. You don't have to do the whispering. It's just me. - She was a Pulitzer Prize - I know now, of course. - Ma'am, there's been - Yeah? A shooting. Yeah. Where do you get your news, from a guy on a horse? Okay, so now what's gonna happen? Is this gonna completely overshadow my Turville jobs announcement, or what? No, here's what we're gonna do. Mike, I want you to put out a statement about the shooting, okay? Not too wordy for once. How about I have the veep put her arms like in "Platoon" and scream, "Why?" Too wordy? - Dan, do you have a minute? - Yes. You seem to be having me going to all these music awards. Nobody watches MTV anymore. I'm starting to feel like you're trying to hide me. Catherine, I can't send Mike and Ben to Coachella. But you, you know, you're hip. You're "deck," you know? Deck's a thing, right? - Gary: Oh, ma'am - Oh, God. Minna Hakkinen? Okay, remember her husband fondled your left breast? What do you think, I'm gonna forget that? I've got a thumbprint there. - Oh. - Madam Vice President. Oh, Madam Ex-Prime Minister of Finland. I do wonder why it is you are here. I am giving the keynote address, I am giving a talk on economics. "The Finnish Wilf. " - Er, what? - It's "wolf. " Oh, hello. - "The Finnish Wolf. " - Yes. - And there is my book. - Oh. - And what is that called? - "The Finnish Wilf. " - It's "wolf. " - Yeah, I got it. - You can go. - Okay. I am seeing other people walking around with the retractable ones, and that is Sir, we only have them on lanyards. I understand that you only have them on lanyards. I want a lanyard with a retractable one. Do you have any idea who I am?! Jonah, come here. You know, sometimes I feel like there's a nine-year-old boy inside of you just operating the levers. You see what I've got to deal with, right? I don't care. Photo op, tomorrow. Maddox-Selina Queensbury rules. Minimum four-second handshake. Minimum six-second handshake, and I want a toothy smile. Perfect. Because we've got to prove they both don't hate each other. - Absolutely. - Okay. And this is it. - This is it. - That's it. - This is it. - This is it. And I don't want any funny business, Mike. - No funny business. - Going to keep an eye on you. Oh, did you see this? Look at this action. Ka-pow! This handshake is gonna show that there is no Maddox-Meyer feud. And if there was, by the way, it would be a "Meyer-Maddox" feud. Yeah, yeah. She would go first. That's right. So, Amy, how's not being campaign manager not working out for you? Really, it's fine. Selina and I have developed such a good friendship over the years that she tells me everything, anyway. I never pegged you two as friends. You always seem kind of tense around her. I look tense, because yes, well, one, I have broad shoulders, and, two, because that's the job. The job is what makes me look tense. But underneath all the work tension, I'm really very relaxed. Have you heard about Emily Lafuente? - It is so awful. - Such a tragic thing. I'm sorry to say, in your country you have too many guns. Way too many. But I think we have a little problem, and it's called the Second Amendment. People think it's their birthright, you see. To give guns to babies? Well, only in Arizona. - Minna, I've made a joke. - And me also, I made a joke for giving the guns to the babies. Because I know you don't give the guns to the babies. No, of course not. It would be dangerous. - Yeah. ***! No, it would be awful. - Awful. - Amy, Amy. - Yes? - Ray's here. - I see. He practically fixed my shoulder. He's not just a personal trainer, he's like a personal Jesus. And he could really help you with your well, really everything, actually. What are you talking about? I've been watching you. I see all of this tension. Where do you want to start, neck or spine? I could break both, if you'd like. All right, well I dig a challenge. Maybe you should work on North Korea first get them to relax, and work your way up to Amy. (strained chuckle) Minna Hakkinen. The Finnish Fox! - Wolf. - What? - It's "wolf. " - Oh. Thank you, Gary. Are you part of "Team Veep"? Sure. You and the veep been talking jobs? Actually, no. We were talking about the sad death of Emily Lafuente. Just so sad. I hate ***. In fact, I agreed with Selina. She says the Second Amendment you have, it's really a problem. You have far too many guns here. *** the *** she said that? Selina: Oh, God. I haven't bent this far since I was five centimeters dilated. And right leg is mine. Let's go. - Okay. - Up. Selina: Am I glowing? I feel like I'm glowing. Ray: How about we turn out the lights and see? - Can I trust you? - I don't know. Can you? (Selina chuckles) All right. Turn it over. Come on. Almost there. And core. Get it tight. - Selina: Ooh! - Um, am I interrupting? What? No, not at all. I just need you to sign off on this statement for the murdered journalist. "Emily Lafuente " what? I can't read what that says. - "Lived life to the full. " - "We will miss her distinct voice. " - Seems a bit stiff to me. - It does? Do you think? Yeah. How about, "When she wrote the world listened"? - Ooh, I like that. - So, you want to go with that? - Ray: Yeah. - Selina: Yeah. Okay. - Thanks, Mike. - Thank you. I guess I can work with that. - Selina: How much more do I have to do? - Ray: I'll let you know. I guess Ray is a media consultant part time. The entourage is getting way too big. We're only days away from an omelet chef and a piano tuner. - What are you doing? - Her jobs speech. Can I see? What is "Marimba America"? Marimba that alarm that's on your phone when you wake up. It's like, "Wake up, America!" They don't give a ***. You need a soundbite. I wrote a soundbite once and had the entire crowd in tears. Even the police horses. Touch this. Touch me right here. - Oh, Ray. Nice work. - Seriously, isn't that incredible? - Ready, almost? - Here, Amy, touch this. - Feel. - Oh, I don't wanna. I can see - Look at that. - That's nice, ma'am. Look at you. You're gonna do your own fitness video. - I can improve your posture 6,000%. - Oh, my God. Well, so can I. I can just take off my shoes. I don't give up. Gary, you're next. I'm ready to receive it. - Ray: Gotta get my oil. - Oh! I love the oil. - Sandalwood or chamomile? - Wood, please. I'll do the wood. - Ame? - Yes? Can I talk to you really quick, just friend to friend? I like to think of us as friends sometimes, too. I spend more time with you than any of my other friends. That technically makes you my best friend. What do you think of Ray? I think that he is an effective temporary hire. I think he's kind of cute. Do you? Yeah, he's very cute. - We're ***. - Uh-huh Don't worry. I can get rid of that in a matter of an hour. - No, no, no. - The chicken's off the menu. What? No, I don't want to get rid of him. Why do you think I would want to get rid of him? Because you want to be president? Well, I mean, I can get rid of him then I guess. I just wanted you to know. But I don't want anybody else to know, okay? Especially Dan. Oh, my God. No, no, 'cause he'll be, "Oh, a crisis. I need a third iPad. " We need to get her on stage faster. I don't know. Use a jet pack. Hold on. Mike, why would you send me this ***? I mean, you might as well have just sat on the ***' keyboard and sent me that. - I wrote it. - Oh. Well, it's got some good bits. We've got to tweak it a little. Yes, yes, she's got to get off the stage fast too. Well, stick her in a cannon. I don't know. So, Gary, you know how when a trainer and a vice president love each other very much? - They're having sex. - Oh, you know. Yeah, I figured it out. - Ah. - I mean, look at him, you know? Look at her. My God. What are you guys talking about? - The jobs speech. - Yeah. - Selina and Ray ***? - Yeah. Yeah, I thought so. Well, watch and learn. Mrs. Meyer. So Turville Industries got a big jobs announcement? Selina: Yeah. Ben, can we slap another restraining order on this creepy bellboy? - Ben: No problem. - Dan: See that? Or how about a drone strike? I don't know what you said to her, but I'm going to find out. You did this? Come on, we all know Andrew's terrible for her. So I sourced Ray. He's her new chew toy. You're a sex trafficker now. How low can you go? Well, however it is, Amy, I'm still higher than you. - Huh. - Okay, listen. I'm not saying Ray is good enough for Selina. I'm just saying I really, really like Ray. We know. You're Ray-curious. Okay, I don't know what that's about. Ben: So, Ray, is it? First economic summit, huh? I get it "Muscle Mary don't not understand smart-guy world," huh? Sorry, I didn't mean to strike a nerve there. You didn't strike a nerve. I'm just saying because you're in shape doesn't mean you don't know that "IMF" means "International Money Fund. " "Monetary. " Close. - (yelling) - No big business! No big business! - Why are we coming in this way? - This is the entrance that they wanted. - Selina: Kent? - Ma'am, after this job announcement, your approval rating will soar like a balloon slipped from a child's hand. - The thing is that I - I'll buy you for a dollar! - No! - (squealing) Gary and Dan: Oh, my God! - Ray: Stay small, Selina! - Gary: Oh, my God! - Agent: Go, go, go! - Ow, ow, ow! My hair! My hair! My hair! To the car! To the car! (Selina yelling) Gary: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where the *** is she?! - It's okay, she's out! - Holy ***, you ***! Give me your ***' gun! I'll shoot his balls off! Breathe, breathe. Stop it! - Oh, God. - Who's okay? Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. That *** guy! The vice president is fine. Wait a minute. We've got to stop the car. I've got 7,000 jobs to announce. We can't let you do that, ma'am. Yeah, you can let me do that. I gotta do it. Catherine just did what any good daughter would do. - What? - You punched that ***. - You punched that guy square in the face. - No! No, I hate violence. Honey, that means you're really good at it and you didn't even know it. Catherine: No! - All: Oh! Ooh! - Ray: Wow, what reflexes. - (staff cheers) - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I should have done more. I'm so sorry. I should have just flung myself in front of you. Now I feel like you're attacking me. It's kind of irritating. Okay, just back off. - Catherine is taking an ice bath. - Selina: Catherine's fine. - Oh, good. - The fate of the protestor is unknown at this time. You know what? My schedule's completely *** up now. - You've got to call Sue. - You got it. My neck I need your fingers on my neck, Ray. - (phone ringing) - Miss Wilson's phone. - Kent, is that you? - Well, I am everywhere. Can you not hear me singing in the wires? Okay I think Kent is high. - Selina: Really? - Kent: I'm passing you to Susan now. - Stand by. - Hello. - Dan: Sue? - Ah, Mr. Davison has important news. I'm passing you to him right now. Jesus Christ. What is going on between you two? You and a telephone. We have a negative influx, narratively speaking. Dan: You're numbers are gonna rocket after this, ma'am. No, they're not. "There are way too many guns. The Second Amendment is a problem. " Ma'am, did you say this? - Dan: What? - No. What the hell are you talking about? Why would I say something so *** stupid? - Minna Hakkinen says you did. - Why would? She just kicked us off the ***' cliff. - What?! What?! - What the *** is her problem? That Finnish fart! - Ma'am - Maybe I did say that to her, but there was no reason for her to be talking about it. Oh, God! Oh, God! Do you realize what you've done? You just picked a fight with the jumpiest hundred million people I can possibly think of. Mike: Do we have to talk guns? I wish we were still on abortion. That was easy. Ben: ***. We've got to blow away this gun issue before we can do anything about a jobs speech. And we still have the Maddox handshake. I'm not doing that. That's out I'm not I'm not doing it! If you don't do the handshake, it's gonna be a big "who snubbed who" shitstorm big enough to shut down an airport. I'm done with this. I've had it. I need R&R. I need rest. I need "Ray-creation. " Just had it. Yeah, I just I'm wiped, you know? Kids can we all just agree here that Selina's *** Ray? I mean, only a moron couldn't see that. Selina and Ray are ***? Sue: Uh, I'm still on speaker here. And so is Mr. Davison. Kent: Hello again. ***. Selina: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, my God, my hair's caught in the desk. Wait, what is this on my forehead? - Ray: The imprint of the bath mat. - Selina: It is? Really? God, this is so humiliating. In years to come, a therapist will have me acting this out with dolls. Gary: I always hated that. I just want to check that Mom's okay. And about her big jobs announcement? There's something she needs to know. - She's asleep. - She's practicing her speech. - I'm sorry? - (knocking) Mom, all of this stuff Dan has me doing really? I throw one punch, and all of a sudden I'm "America's Next Top Redneck. " Mom! Catherine, what is it, honey? I'm in the middle of working on What's with your hair? It's all messed - oh, my God. - What? That is not your shoe. So what? What difference does Hey. You must be Andrew. And you must be kidding. No, I'm Ray. I'm Selina's wellness advisor. What, the Pilates made your shirt fly off? You do need to put some clothes on, okay? Mom, not the help. Jesus, that's tacky. Wow. What's with the patronizing? I've got two gyms and a shake business. - Yeah. - Have you no dignity, or do you order that in as well? Oh, wow! Unbelievable! Okay, everybody is very tired, it was a long day. Nobody likes sex, let's disperse. There is a jazz trio downstairs that's fantastic. - Who likes jazz? - I love jazz. Kenny G can blow the storm up. Great. I was talking about the others. We are going to need a bigger hallway. Oh, my God, it's the Finnish Funnelmouth. - Madam Vice President. - Madam Ex-Prime Minister. - Hello. - I wish to express my deepest and most profound regret for what happened today. Right. There is on your team a leaking gentleman. - What? Who on my team? - On your team. I don't know his name, but he is like in central Europe there is a bad companion for Santa Claus. Here he comes on Christmas and, if the children are naughty, he takes away the presents. - Rudolph. - Minna: No, no. It's like a man, but it's very tall. - Amy: Jonah! - It's Jonah? - He's not on our team. - At all. No. I am so sorry. I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest. In your country, people *** snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect. I'm under enormous pressure having been attacked by the Statue of Liberty earlier this day no, no. - I am so sorry - Thank you, yes. Good night. Good night, my room is just next door. - Oh, great. - I want for your comfort to make you aware that today I purchased ear pligs. - Ear plugs. - Oh, ear plugs. Okay. Not every country likes to eavesdrop. - (Ray laughs) - Minna: Yes. - Minna: It's a joke. - Yeah, it's a good one. - No, we got it. - Sweet dreams. Okay. Who needs what? You go first. To begin with, I was coming to talk to you about the fact that Dan has me doing all these You must now go speak with Dan, not to me. - Next. - I came up you know what? Forget it. Music to my ears, Andrew. - Try these Persian balls. - Ooh. Dan? I am not gonna talk to radio stations that have eagles in the logo or call themselves the "voice of reason. " - Selina: Yes, let me - Oh, ma'am We're reaching out to the gun lobby right now. Mike has written a speech that I think should neutralize the entire issue. - Ninth draft. - Selina: Great. Okay, everybody listen up. Ray has got kind of a fabulous idea, I think. Go. The vice president goes to a gun show. - Amy: Huh? - Mike: What? You mean the Wayne County Gun Fair, ma'am? Yes. That's the one. - Good for you, Sue. - This is a gun show for women. That's right. Women with guns are less threatening, ma'am. Yeah, exactly, because they're not nut jobs. Case in point, by the way. This could be good, "Feminism Reloaded. " There's no time. Sue: No, there is time, Dan. You can do this, ma'am. We'll have to push the speech back Yeah, fine. I can be fast. Well, I'm not going to a *** gun show. Uh, yes, you are going to a "*** gun show," even if I have to put a gun to your *** head. Dan: Okay, we can make this work. We do shake, show, speech all in 90 minutes. You know what? Today is the day that Selina Meyer's campaign begins. You say that once a week. We're gonna need road maps. Scramble 30 extra cops, tell my mother to push the weekly call to Wednesday. Let's plan this beast. Oh, we're gonna need cookies, too. Selina: I can't hold this. - You ready, ma'am? - Yeah, but he's on my good side. - I need to be on that side. - No, that's your good side. Why can't you ever remember what my good side is? - No, this - Hey, George. - Hey. Do you mind if I stand here? - Madam Vice President. - Sure, sure, go ahead. - Great. How are you doing? I was really, really worried. Don't be worried. Have you been fishing? Doing a little bit. Trying to reel that big one in. (laughs) Fantastic. You know, ma'am, I think we need to get going. - Oh, yeah. - Okay, guys, that's it. Three, two, one boom. (clicking) Okay, that's it. Show's over, all right? You got your TIFFs and your JPEGs. No more. (siren wailing) Amy: "Veep's campaign needs a helping hand. " Dan: Jesus. How the *** do you screw up a handshake, Mike? It's four fingers and a thumb. Jonah had a good idea. We've never planned for that. - Great hand job, pal. - Okay, you guys. Can we calm down? We're about to go to a roomful of guns. I don't think we're exactly in the right headspace. - That's a good point. - Selina: Oh, yeah, we are! - Oh, yeah! - You're gonna be great. All right, shut your mouth and then shut the road. And if you don't like my tone, you're really not going to like Guantanamo Bay. ETA, 3. 9 minutes. Okay, ma'am, you need to be conservative and liberal. - What? - So, look at guns, but don't touch guns. - Oh, God. - Don't even say the word "gun. " Use words like "protection" or "assurance. " But in context. Don't say, "Freeze, or I'll protect your *** head off. " Yeah. Madam Vice President, we're so glad you're okay. - I'm fine. - Thanks for coming. It really means a lot to us "ladies who load. " - (cheering) - Thank you. Oh, wow. Look at this well-defended picnic table. Covered in all these things that defend. And look at that one. It's so tiny Okay, I'm going to tell you something so uncanny. This color is exactly Catherine's favorite color when she was a little girl. Look here, honey. Although this would not have been a good present for her, 'cause she was a toddler with a temper. She was so mad. - I wasn't. - Just say you were mad. Doesn't matter. - These are, like, tommy guns. - Yeah, from an old-timey movie. Don't you love the old-timey movies? Oh, don't shoot! - Could I get a selfie? - Oh, absolutely. Of course you can. Hmm? What? Oh. There you go. You got it. Perfect. Is it good? I hope it's good. We've gotta go. Come on, honey bunny. This one is upside down, so if you were doing a back bend or something Someone's face is on a T-shirt. Are you kidding me? I wish my daughter could bust heads like you, young lady. - Is that my face? - Yeah, it is. Wow. She is not gonna like that. She's an adult. Are you talking about Catherine or Selina? Amy: Thank you for showing us around. On that note, though, I think we have to go. "Make my day. " Thank you very much, everyone. (chanting) Catherine! Catherine! Selina: Just one freaky *** after another. Dan: Yeah. (siren wails) Go left on Jefferson. We fixed the traffic lights. We diverted a parade for Polish Americans. We put more cops on the route. I've seen that part of town. There's nothing down there worth stealing. - Dad! - Hi. Selina? Oh, my God. What is up with you? Kitchen's closed. This is about the Turville jobs. What about the Turville jobs? I've got some buddies on the board and I hear they're defaulting on their loans. They've got six months, tops. I would have told you last night, but you had Ray's *** in your ear. Wait a minute. Do you understand? I'm about to announce the 7,000 Turville jobs. - There won't be any in six months. - What am I supposed to do? Talk about the GDP. Nobody knows what that means. - Do you know what that means? - Yes, I I've got Kent on the phone. I think I put it on speaker, but I might have taken a photo instead. Give this to me. Hello? Hello? Kent: Good news. We've changed your speech to a friendly Q&A with the host of the panel chair. Oh. Great, no need to announce the jobs that aren't jobs. Thank you, Kent. Good to hear. - Andrew: Nobody's gonna ask a question. - Exactly right. - Who's the panel chair, do we know? - I can look it up Oh, my God, it's the big bad "wilf. " (sighs) That timetable was not a timetable. That was a poem. (applause, cheering) - Hello, hello. - Hi. - Thank you very much. - Oh, thank you. It's so nice to be here, with friends here. And, of course, a dear friend right next to me. Yes, we have met twice. (laughs) - Sit down, please. - Yes. Thank you. Minna: Thank you. So I have been asked oh, no, told is more accurate that I must mention that you have a very exciting announcement to make. You know, it's funny. I really today wanted to talk with you and our group here about the big picture, you know? The American landscape that we're all in today. That's sort of the conversation that I'm interested in having with you and with our friends. But there is also a very particular announcement that you wish to make? Yeah, but I really wanted to talk about the inspirational entrepreneurs I've met. The men and women who are behind the umbrella skeleton. If you think about the engineering of it, it's a beautiful thing to behold, and it's something upon which we rely. It is written there, what you wish to say. Well, actually, speaking of writing I hope you don't mind my mentioning this but you have written a book, have you not? "The Finnish Wolf," which sounds quite intriguing. I don't understand. Do you want me to make the announcement about Turville Industries? No, it's okay. Fine. We formed a partnership with Turville Industries, and I'd like to announce that there are gonna be some new jobs in the Detroit area. (applause) Yeah, but it's just one component in the overall picture. It's not a big deal in and of itself, just to be quite clear about it. Oh, no. No. It is 7,000 new jobs. (applause) Please, stand. Don't be so modest. I think that people will remember the names. Selina Meyer and Turville Industries for a very long time. Well, if we kill everybody in the room, then we might be okay. Yeah. Can I kill Minna first? I stole a pistol from the gun show. You won't have lied for six months. Oh, that's true. I appreciate that point. Yeah. - Hey, where is Dan? - Here. Right here. Okay, why isn't Andrew on the team? - He should be attached. - That's an excellent point. I wanted Andrew in the entourage, but Amy said - Amy said nothing. - So what up? You got it. Yes, ma'am. Sure. Guess "Operation Ray" failed, huh? Don't worry, I can write you a statement. "I resign. " Or is that too wordy? This is really nice, working together as a family. I actually enjoyed that gun show, you know? Once I got used to all the regular people and how fat they were, I really enjoyed it. - Obesity is a huge issue. - Yeah. It absolutely is. It is. That tie I like. That's better than yesterday's tie. You like music. I can't do this again, Amy. I'm all lied out. - I mean, I can't. - Selina: That's very direct, Andrew. Hey, Ray. Can't go in there. Yeah? And you can't do this. - (thud) - Selina: Why are we on the couch? Did she fall? Hey, I'm gonna take that massage now, if you don't mind. - But that way, yes? - Selina: That was quick. Andrew: I've been taking classes in Reflexology. Okay, I'll hold that. I got it. Selina: Andrew, what are you - Ray: Here's good. - Amy: Right here, yeah. - Ray: Just relax. - Okay. Ray: Oh, how about there? Amy: Yeah, still nothing. You know, it's okay, it doesn't matter (gasps) oh-hh oh, my God! That's very good. (moans)