House of Lies S3E5 - English Transcript

Previously on House of Lies I pulled the goalie. Wait, you stopped using birth control? I did! Jeannie, Sarah wants to have a baby. Hey! That's my *** car, man! Getting the old band back together for a reunion tour? So you asked me to bail you out of jail so you could hit me up for a job? No, that's not You're *** amazing. So, listen, since you're playing catch-up, I'm gonna take the lead at DollaHyde. The meeting was at 10:00. Who cares? They need us to put a shitload of paper in they pocket. - Why don't you shut the *** up? - Attitude. - I like it. - Drug dealers. So DollaHyde's seed money Did not come from a venture capital firm. And I'd gotten so used to consulting for white-collar criminals. I want him out. Any way you can convince him to sell? Lukas is all, "DollaHyde my baby. " Well, DollaHyde my baby, too. And he's gonna *** us up. No, he's not. Oh, hey, Dad, coffee's on. Oh. Hey. I just really need some water. Hello. Is that my shirt? Huh? Oh! Yeah, I think it is. Sorry, you can have it back. Lea-Leave it on, leave it on. Leave it on. Jesus Christ. Oh, hey, Chantelle. Oh! Hey. "Hey, Chantelle" Wait a minute. What in the Grandpa's new friend. Oh. Grandpa's new friend. Do your parents know you've been out on a school night, Chantelle? I did hear you were funny. Ah. And I've heard nothing about you. Where's that water, kitten? I'm parched. Whoa. Whoa! Need it to wash down that ***? Will you be cool? Are you kidding me? This is appropriate to you? What the *** is going on? What's it look like's going on? Look, this is ridiculous. I think she's a little young even for me, Pop. Oh, well, good. Name is Chantelle. Yes. Yeah. I got that piece of information. Where'd you meet her? Spearmint Rhino? At a talk I gave. Mm-hmm. She's a therapist. Yeah she's a therapist finishing up her doctorate. Ooh. I want her to feel welcome. Well, I think you already handled that. All right? Welcome, Chantelle. See you kids later. And, Chantelle my house is not clothing-optional, okay? Go put your Garanimals on. Oh, boy. This day just gets better and better. Hey, Mom. You, uh, you trolling for *** at, uh, Color Me Mine, Marty? She's a little young, even for you. She's not with me, okay? She's with I could not care less. Yeah, that makes two of us. She's with me. Ugh. Sweetie, come on. Actually, I haven't had breakfast yet, Mom. We'll get a frappuccino on the way to school. Yay. - Love you, Grandpa. - Bye, Chantelle. - Bye. Wow. Gross. Come on. - Ah - No, you don't get it. You've never worked for a top-tier consulting firm before. That's true. Right. So you would have no idea about the pressures. If I could get back to my old boss Marty, right? You think he's the answer? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I just need one big *** move. Clyde, when you go through a break like you did, you need to do some hard work with what you feel is the reason. How's business here, by the way? 'Cause I could show you and your partners how to blast open those profit margins. It looks like you could use it a tiny bit. Obviously, that's not an option. Oof! Almost went over. That's 50 minutes. All right, Clyde. Now, if I could just see your court card. Yeah, of course. Yeah, and if you can just throw me that little script for Wellbutrin you want me on. And then throw in some Xanax there as well, that'd be great. I am gonna up that Wellbutrin, and no Xanax. No Xanax? You good with that? That's fine. Okay. Okay. Okay. Mmm I'm ready now. Yeah, yeah. Put your baby juice in me. What? I can feel a life starting with every thrust. Really? Do it! Can you see our adorable child? Uh yeah He's being made right now, babe. And he has your eyes. And he's got a cute little *** Oh, God. just like his father. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was felt so good. Mmm. Honey? Mm-hmm? Did you come? What? Because it totally d it didn't seem like you did. What are you talking about? No, I-I made the noise and everything. Of course I came. I didn't come. Oh I've been withholding *** since she decided we decided to, uh, get pregnant. Why don't you just tell her that you don't want a baby, Doug? I mean, instead of telling me. Because I want to want a baby. I just it's odd, and it's all happening so fast. Hey, I mean, I hear you. Who wants to be a milk machine for a bunch of teeny-tiny ***? Not me, but Just tell her. I don't know. There's still so much I haven't done. Like spelunking. Or-or participating in an authentic sweat lodge ritual. Or hanging out with Marty more. Marty's never gonna hang out with you, Doug. That's mean. Ah, ***. Oh, God. J-Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie, wait. See, the problem is, I got interrupted, so it really hurts, you know? Sarah's got these moves that really get me there, so I'm right on the verge of Yuck. Yuck. Listen. Why don't you just jerk off at home in the shower? Uh, yeah, like a savage. Are you kidding me? That requires preparation. Uh, lighting. Props. A little Maroon 5. Oh, God, I wish Clyde was here. To jerk you off? What? Of course not. No, because he would understand. You know, it's a guy thing. It's not funny, Jeannie. This hurts. Well, great. Well, why don't you just do it here before we go? Uh yeah, okay. Are you gonna stay, or? You can if you want. Not in my office, Doug. Right! No. Of course not. You meant in the building. Okay. Do not take a mental picture of me. I wasn't. Hey. All right, kids. Oh, God. It's time to make moves so we can go do our little sell job on Lukas and get him up out of that com Everything okay down there? Oh, yeah, fine. He's withholding ***. Right. Oh. My man Marty. You got serious game. I got game? Is this what we pay you for? To watch my black ***? I've had worse engagements. I know players. And you are a player, Miss Jeannie Van Der whatever the *** your name is. I know how you people do. You throw around a lot of jargon, try to confuse me, make me think I can't live without your wisdom. You don't trust us? Aw Well, that's all right. I don't trust you, either. But you do like me. Hey, Spanky, quit eye-*** me! What? I-I wasn't. I was looking at the hole. For the hole. she grabs a letter opener, stabs her in *** leg. But the good thing is that if I stab her *** now, there's been a precedent set, you know what I mean? Like it's a viable option. Get the *** out of here. Yeah, well, women, I can't get in love with them, can't cli-climax in them. All right, Dre, come on, man, you're up. I'll be down there in a second. Yeah, good luck, Doug. Hey, Marty. Um I thought the goal of today was to be working Lukas, not making goo-goo eyes at your new BFF. Goo-goo eyes? I mean, you're cute together, but Did you forget that Dre was a client? Oh. Dre's a client. That's right. Right. How many clients do you clear your entire schedule to go golfing with? Or tell intimate details of your life to? You hate everybody, Marty. Except your new bro. Oh, wait a minute. Are you saying because he's a black guy I'm-I'm friends with him now? Racist! What I'm saying is that because Dre is becoming your friend, he is literally different than every other person on the planet. And how many friends does Jeannie have? Let me see. Two, seven, 46 carry the nine zero. I don't need friends, Marty. I'm pretty. Here we go. Oh. Ooh. Well, look like this six-figure membership didn't come with any skills, did it, Dre? Hey, I got skills, ***. I got skills. I just can't find 'em right now. I would check your back pocket. You're up. No, no, no, no. Jeannie-bean? The-the ladies' tees are up front. Mm-mm-mm-mm. I like it. Welcome. for $400. IQ stands for Marissa? Mm? You have a visitor. Uh hi Clyde. Clyde! Hi, Clyde. I will leave you to it. Thank you. I like the house. So You were surprised to see me? Yeah. Yeah. It's been a long time, right? Hope we could relate a little bit, because I have actually been in a little bit of a mess myself. Mm? I was in one of those meetings, um court-mandated meeting because there was an arrest involved. Oh. Yeah, there's nothing violent, nothing like that. But when I was there, someone told me that you were here. I'm telling you, the second the second they said your name to me, I just thought that I could just turn your life around. And I think I can get your business back for you. Oh, my God. I know. It would be like heaven, right? No, Clyde. You're a bottom-feeder. No, you're not getting my intention I mean, I'm at my lowest point here. I'm trying to survive. I mean, look at me. I'm-I'm shaking. And here you are, some guy that I hooked up with once at New Year's It was Hanukkah. taking advantage of my vulnerability to make a buck. Come on. Now, that's not fair, okay? I'm not trying to take advantage of anything. At the very least, I'm making sure you're okay. I'm just *** with you. God! You're just *** with me? Okay. I am so *** bored in here. You want to see where they make us pee in a cup? Yes, of course. Yeah, let's go. Yeah. Uh, tee box is full. All right, crackers, come on. Get your *** out the way. We playing through. Not now, right now. Sorry, white people. Sorry for what? So, since you are literally charging us by the second, why don't you let us hear what you got. Uh, we ran an 80/20 statistical analysis on the Walmart expansion, and, um it's potentially lucrative. Now wait one *** minute. Would you run that back to me one mo 'gin without all the fancy *** consultant rhetoric? You were right. Whoo! *** it! Sound even better than when I say it. Now why don't you tell me how much you billed me to tell me that I was right? Uh, we had to do a little more than that. You see, we had to run a side-by-side analysis of the Walmart expansion given your current brand recognition in key demos. And survey says! You got to expand the brand if you want Joe Six-pack to know he's got to have it. Now, we ran some ideas for said expansion. And a very cool backpack and carrying case line is the frontrunner. What? Luggage? Right. *** out of here. I like it. I bet you do like it, you *** Barney's-wearing *** you. Hey, I'm not gonna be too many more ***. Lukas, their revenue projections are off the charts. And it can be tailored to the DollaHyde brand, so graffiti artist tablet covers and titanium laptop roller bags. I mean, dope! No, Doug. Listen, Lukas, DollaHyde may actually be able to do something that no other clothing line has been able to crack yet. Hey, man, this all the *** you got? Let me let each and every last one of you in on a little secret. DollaHyde sells lifestyle. That said lifestyle has jack *** to do with luggage. Get the *** out my way. Yeah, of course. So there's the garden, whatever. Okay, listen, here's the thing. You have a ticket out of here. You pioneered one of the top Web sites in the world. Mediawolf is major currency, and that's your *** baby. Well, hate to break it to you, but it's not mine anymore. Point for my siblings! I know. I know your family And now I live here with dreamcatcher lady and the other one who sold her kids' schoolbooks for crack. It's my family's fun little game of defaming me for their own amusement; they have conservatorship. It's like I can't have a drink in my personal time Right, right. like an adult Or a *** eight ball. Yes, exactly! Yes, I get it! They just expect you to be a pretty face and have the occasional three-way with Paris Hilton. But *** that. You made good. So good, that with your family's expiring media empire hitting a wall, they put you here so they can get their hands on your *** beautiful Internet cash cow. Mm. You rehearse that on the way over? Listen, you're here because they want Mediawolf. There's no other reason. Truth. I'm here because I can help save it for you. And I can get you out of this *** place, which is insane. Mm. I forget, do you like ***? You speak Korean? Okay I just I want to know you. God, are you kidding me? No. Marissa, I can get you not only the Web site, I can get you the whole *** family nut. But you have to do exactly what I tell you to do. You're pretty cute in that suit. You don't stop. And if I remember correctly, your thing was going downtown. Mm. That was your thing, right? This what you want to talk about? Yeah. I find you insanely fuckable. And I fully intend to get in some Korean *** with you the second I have a chance. Promise? Oh, God, here, pinky promise. Can't break a pinky promise. I never will. Okay. Professionally, I'm extremely disappointed in you, Jeannie Van Der Whatever-the-***. I thought that you would be into the idea. I misjudged. What can I say? What could you have said? You could have said sneakers. What's up with your man? Sneakers? Yeah, sneakers. The little white *** with the laces. You wear 'em on your feet. Don't you think that's the first thing that we trotted out? Don't you think that's the first thing that every broke-*** hip-hop line tries? Those broke-*** hip-hop lines, they're *** ***. And you're what, a *** sneaker genius? You just know that your sneakers are gonna work, right? For once, Marty Kaan, you just happen to be absolutely right. I am a *** genius, and my sneakers will absolutely *** work. You cannot expose DollaHyde's bottom line right before the IPO; it's way too risky. He's right. Well, Marty, I mean, they did break through with DollaHyde. Hey, I like this guy. He's a visionary. No, no, that was at a time when everybody was looking for a funky alternative to The Gap or Abercrombie, okay? Absolutely. Sneakers are blown out. Yeah, but what if we built a firewall in between DollaHyde and the sneaker entity? That would quarantine the risk. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You talking about splitting the company? We'd have two companies rolling in the dough instead of one when it finally hits. Yeah, but if what when it hits, it doesn't make enough noise? Do I look like a *** that has a problem making noise? Never. I'm the loudest *** you know. I'm turned all the way up *** broke, no remote. You understand that? Decision's been made. We doing it. Hit your *** ball, Marty Kaan. Oh, yeah. Are you *** kidding me? Whoo! And the deed is done. Don't give me any more details. I don't want a visual on this. Hey, look, I don't know what you guys looking so shook for, man. Sneakers are gonna make us a lot of money. I just run the numbers, you make the call. You *** right. You can thank me later. Luggage. *** idiot. Oh, not an idiot, but All right, folks. Don't forget your seatbelt! Shut the *** up, Doug. Okay. DollaHyde, fool! Now that was some next-level ***, my man. Oh, well, you gave me the sneakers. We just had to make him think it was his idea. Uh-huh. So now what? Well, now all the capital stays with the clothing line, and Lukas gets 100% of nothing but a shoe. And DollaHyde? DollaHyde is squeaky clean. All bright and shiny for that groundbreaking IPO, and all yours. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, sir. You do not disappoint, my friend. Marty Kaan! Whoo! Love it when you say that with the black power fist. Oh, you know what? You should come over to my place tomorrow. Uh, yeah, I would love that. I'm pretty sure he's talking to me. I want you to meet my fam. You should bring Roscoe. Oh, all right, great. OMG, what are you gonna wear? You're welcome. It's a great day for Kaan and Associates. Job well done. Yes Ooh, shoot. Oh, Doug. Oh, God, Marty, please! It's fine. A little club soda will get that out. Ooh, boy, yeah, it was kind of like Mt. Vesuvius in there. Real buildup. Doctor says the damage isn't permanent, but it's still tender, and that's what worries me. Oberholt! Clyde! Clyde, oh, my God. How are you? Did you get my flowers? I thought it was a nice, masculine arrangement. What did you think? I actually came to see Marty. I'm gonna drop a little intel on him. Huh? He is probably getting a bikini wax for his date with Dre. 'Cause he so wants to *** that guy. Okay. Ooh, hey, did you see the redhead? Which one is this? The one I told you about, Caitlin. Yeah. Yeah. Or as I call her, "Chiara. " Why do you call her Chiara? That's her name in Italian. It's kind of a thing we have. Every time I see her, I'm like, "Ciao, Chiara. " And she's just like, "Hi, Doug. " So she talks normally, and you talk like a big idiot. No, it's like a thing we have. You and Marty still aren't in the best place, Clyde. Are you sure you want to? Okay, Jeannie, you know what? You're way less cute when you worry. So do me a favor, chill the *** out. It's all good. Okay, whatever you say. Bye. Hey, buddy. Hmm? I mean, she might have a point. Shouldn't you be taking it easy, after everything that's happened? It doesn't even matter. That's in the past, okay? I'm looking towards the future. And all I need is one minute with Marty. No, what you need is to worry about your health, all right? The little kid inside here. Oh The world can be a scary place for mavericks like us. Mav? Are you *** kidding me? What? Don't. Dude, you kill it at work, at this *** place. You're *** brilliant. And now you have Sarah. Man, you have a *** wife, someone who loves you. You're probably gonna have some beautiful nerd family, okay? I have nothing. You have everything, and you don't even see it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I need to get back here. All right. Marty's *** up just like me. He gets me. I do? You really think you can bring in the entire McClintock media empire? I know I can. Was that? Did I miss something? Was that the whole thing? This is a big whale, and I can bring it to your doorstep. Oh, wow, I am so sorry you wasted your time and bus fare. Take care of yourself. Try to stay out of trouble. Marty. Marty. And buh-bye. Marty, we need this. If he's Jeannie, he is not here to help us. You understand? He's here to help himself. Again. It's McClintock. Hand delivered by Judas. I'm in the ***, right? But I have been punished. Working for your ex-wife. By *** going to jail. Listen, I will never make the mistake that I made with you before. Come on, Marty. What, are you gonna punish him forever? For one thing that he did? What? You guys can't just start over? I will not *** this up. This would be huge for Kaan and Associates. We need the revenue. And we need the profile. Boss lady says it's a yes, so I guess it's a yes. That's what I'm talking about. Thank you very much, and I will prove myself to you, okay? Thank you, boss lady. Weirdly emasculated boss man. Man, get the *** out of here and get the money. Thank you, sir. I got this, okay? It's so good, baby. All right. Mm-hmm. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. You have everything, and you don't even see it. Oh, yeah, uh-huh! Whoa, oh! Oh, my God, I did it! I think I just put a baby in you! Yeah, you did. Yeah! Oh, sweet thing. Yeah. FYI Yeah? Only one of us came. Oh, yeah, no, right, of course! Cool. No, oh, of course. Yeah. They think they can just get rid of me? I was the linchpin behind that *** show. Whoa, whoa. Monica. What the hell's going on? She got fired. Oh. What happened? Supposedly, I create a hostile work environment. You? Oh, no, do they have the right gal? But, uh that cretin that stabbed me? She's just somehow she's, uh, she's related to the treasury secretary. *** them. Right? Listen. I can make some calls, okay? I got your back, Mo. Uh I have pills for that. Thanks though. Well, I am off to meet Lex at the skate park. Negatory. You are coming with me, and we are going to Dre's house. Oh, awesome, yeah! Can-can I bring Lex though? Uh, no, no. We are not bringing our family circus to a client's house. I'm sorry. Well, ***-that-***. com. Because if I'm going, Lex is going. Whoa, did I miss the part where you're moving out? Huh? 'Cause as long as you live under this roof, you don't lip off to me. So I should just act like you then? Uh, you better act like you're gonna get ready, okay? Before you and I have a real problem. But, Dad, we do have a problem. You're calling me and Lex a circus. I mean, Grampa would say I could bring Lex. You know what? Grampa's not here, okay? And I'm not gonna turn on the news to see if there's an Amber Alert out to find him. Now, go get ready, and get your mind right. Whatever. The ***? Sometimes, I Wow. Wait, let me let me let me say it again with the right em-pha-sis. Wow! I am a lucky ***. Wait, hold on, scratch that. An extremely handsome and lucky ***. Ah, yes. You know what I'm talking about? Let's get the order correct. But you know on the real to real, sometimes I get this nagging feeling. You know, that just one little tremor or shift of the earth all of this can just *** go poof. Mm. You know? You feel it, too. I can tell. Oh, and by the way, you are now a new member of the club. Stop playing games. No wait list. I hooked it up. My man, my man. Let's get something to eat. Like, just standing outside a grocery store with a clipboard, making people resent you and hate your cause Hate the cause. is not gonna change the world. Nope. Sorry. So, let me get this straight you are for the wholesale destruction of the rain forest. Exactly. I love it. Hey, what the hell y'all talking about? Ah, who am I kidding? I always sign. Oh, your wife's a big softie. So, it must be awesome having a dad that really spends time with you. And Dre Collins? Oh, God. How lucky, right? Oh, I'll get it. All right. Why does he always get to answer? I want to answer! All right, baby, I'll let you do it next time. - Okay? - Can I just tell you this is probably the best meal I've had ever. Thank you. Baby, you are the best cook. Oh, God. I don't even want to know what karma your mother is gonna send my way when she hears you say that. It's Uncle Lukas. He wants to take me to a Clippers game tomorrow. They're floor seats. Can I please go? You got your science project to prepare, sweetie. Next time. Take Roscoe upstairs and show him your guinea pigs. Okay. Go ahead. Well, thank you. I mean, I love your house and how nice you guys have been to me. You're welcome. So, how's that? Yeah, how do you think it is? My-my suggestion is you hold them underwater before they hit their teens. I mean, it's not exactly what I thought I would be fielding, but I love him. He's-he's a great kid. You know, I just want to Just want to keep him safe. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, from everything. Mm, beautiful. Thanks, baby. Got you. More wine? Yeah. Now, don't laugh, but, uh this is from my vineyard. Oh, will you stop bragging already? Yes, Marty. I also have a vineyard. Uh, yes, Dre, I heard you the first time. You know, maybe Lukas is right. Maybe I am a little bougie at times. Yeah, a little bit. Just a little something something. A little something something. Not too crazy, but just sometimes. Yeah, so, uh, about Lukas. I mean, he's family, right? Depends on how you look at it. Okay. What? Are we now having second thoughts, Marty Kaan? No, no, no, I'm not saying that. I just saying that you know, what we're about to do This isn't just some guy you work with. There's no coming back from that. You guys have a history together, right? A-A life basically together. My life it's in there. That woman is the reason why I'm still alive. Now, look I ain't trying to disrespect you. You know what I'm saying? I ain't trying to be disrespectful at all, but I didn't come up like you. Every day was like a war for me. And I fought that war for her, and now for my kids. And they make me want to keep fighting that war for them. Lukas is dangerous to all that. You don't have a lot of options. With everything in my *** heart, all I know is I've got to protect this. You know how that feels? I do. Then let's do this.