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>> MIKE: I have a feeling this is going to show up in the holiday skit.
>> JULIA: Hello. We are outside the General's lair, where a supermassive scheme is unfolding.
The dark energy is so thick you could cut it with a knife, and the terror threat level
has been raised to black.
Let's go inside and discover the dark truth of the matter.
The story starts with one professor whose black hole simulator has been turned into
a weapon of mass. Literally.
>> SUSANNA: What project have you been working on for the last few years?
>> ANDREW: The black hole flight simulator.
>> SUSANNA: Is it true that General Relativity has purchased this "simulator" from you?
>> ANDREW: Yes.
>> SUSANNA: What can the simulator create?
>> ANDREW: A home-grown, supermassive black hole
>> SUSANNA: What would happen if this got into the wrong hands?
>> ANDREW: It would eat up the Earth.
>> SUSANNA: Oh dear!
>> ANDREW: That'sâ pretty awful, isn't it?
>> SUSANNA: What will happen to me?
>> ANDREW: You will probably not survive.
>> SUSANNA: Then why would you sell it to the evil General Relativity?
>> ANDREW: Paid me handsomely, shall we say?
>> SUSANNA: How do you feel about his plans for world domination?
>> ANDREW: Actually, I'm very cool with that.
Uh, yeah, you might ask, how is it that Andrew gets even any funding at all?
>> JULIA: The answer: a power-mad general. General Relativity.
>> ROBBIE: What is your alter-ego?
>> MIKE: General Relativity.
>> SETH: Where are you from?
>> MIKE: 47 Tucanae
>> ROBBIE: Who sold you the black hole simulator?
>> MIKE: Oh, Andrew Hamilton.
>> ROBBIE: How much did you pay?
>> MIKE: About 70 million dollars.
>> TIM: How extensive is your evil network?
>> MIKE: We have people working with us from Wisconsin and Massachusetts, California…
>> SETH: Are you on a power binge?
>> MIKE: Yes, right.
>> ROBBIE: How many evil minions do you have?
Please demonstrate you can do basic arithmetic in your answer.
>> MIKE: Well, 5 + 2 + 1. 8.
>> JULIA: We talked to some of these minions
to see what they had to say.
>> CARA: Who do you work for?
>> BRITTON: General Relativity.
>> MICHELE: General Relativity.
>> TERESA: General Relativity.
>> CARA: Why do you work for evil instead of good?
>> BRITTON: You get paid way more.
>> SETH: Does it bother you that people might flip out about this?
>> BRITTON: Flipping out about the world ending?
Uh, no.
>> SETH: What is your part in the black hole project?
>> TERESA: Do whatever extra needs to be done.
I'm really grateful for the opportunity.
>> CARA: Is it challenging to take over the world?
>> MICHELE: It's too easy!
>> CARA: Can anyone stop the black hole once it's created?
>> BRITTON: If we make one we're all screwed anyways.
>> ROBBIE: What will this new weapon do to your enemies?
>> MIKE: Well, you know, someone of finite tensile strength
gets ripped apart long before they get into the black hole
so you turn into molecules and atoms
and then your gas falls into the black hole.
>> SETH: What's your ultimate goal with this project?
>> MIKE: A black hole getting created and sucking up the Earth.
>> ROBBIE: Why did you decide to pursue world domination?
>> MIKE: You know, I'll dabble in anything that looks interesting.
>> ROBBIE: Why didn't you instead try to fight for good?
>> MIKE: It didn't strike me, personally, a lot…
>> ROBBIE: How long has evil been winning this epic battle?
>> MIKE: 13.72 billion years, plus or minus .12.
>> ROBBIE: Aren't you afraid someone will destroy you and your evil machine?
>> MIKE: If this were going to happen, it would have happened long ago.
>> ROBBIE: Who will be spared this atrocity?
>> MIKE: NOT graduate students, sorry.
>> JULIA: But there IS a hero
who can stop this evil plot.
>> SUSANNA: What is your alter ego?
>> JEREMY: Captain Spectroscopy.
>> ERIN: Where were you born?
>> JEREMY: NGC 4258
It's this lovely, thin, almost perfectly edge-on disk.
>> ERIN: How did you get to work today?
>> JEREMY: I flew.
>> ERIN: How fast did you fly?
>> JEREMY: At the speed of light.
>> SETH: Where do you get your power?
>> JEREMY: OH megamasers.
>> SETH: What's your weakness? You know, your Krypton(ite)?
>> JEREMY: Formaldehyde.
>> SETH: How do you usually battle your enemies?
>> JEREMY: Face to face.
>> SETH: How do you arrange these battles?
>> JEREMY: It was almost always email.
>> SETH: How many enemies do you have?
>> JEREMY: Now? Almost zero.
>> SETH: What have you saved in the past, besides the Earth?
>> JEREMY: Um ... regular old boring star
uh … cold dwarf star
white dwarf … AGN … galaxy … elliptical galaxy
uh ... brown dwarf…
>> ERIN: Why don't you change into your superhero costume in a phone booth?
>> JEREMY: I hate the phone.
>> ERIN: What are the alter egos of your sidekicks, Maser Boy and Molecular Kid?
>> JEREMY: Kyle Willett and Ben Zeiger.
>> CARA: Who do you work for?
>> KYLE: Captain Spectroscopy.
>> CARA: What are you trying to do?
>> KYLE: Save the world.
>> CARA: Who is your archnemesis?
>> KYLE: General Relativity.
>> CARA: What is General Relativity and his army trying to do?
>> KYLE: Trying to take over the world.
>> CARA: What do you want to say to GR?
>> JEREMY: I have a few words.
>> CARA: When do you plan to defeat him?
>> JEREMY: Next Thursday, perhaps?
>> ERIN: What weapon will you use?
>> JEREMY: Um …
well…
it's just this thing, from X-rays to the radio
and it's a flat panel, so you get 2 pi steradians all at once
you have a bunch of panels so you can form beams
and have multiple beams all over the sky at the same time
so basically you can take in everything that's up overhead
and paint the stuff on housetops.
>> JULIA: But in the end, General Relativity was thwarted by the great Captain Spectroscopy
and all is back to normal at the APS Department.
Goodnight, and good noodles.
>> Britton: Is he gonna watch this video?
>> MIKE: Am I gonna end up on YouTube?
>> ALL: YES.
>> SETH: Thanks to everyone we interviewed. Merry Christmas, and have a happy holiday!
>> ANDREW: The TV camera is on you!