Chrissie Cunningham Stand up Comedy Gig #11, Cuml, Urban Night, The Vue, Toronto. 29/apr/2011

This lady is one of our favourites. I know and feel happy because I’m a fan favourite. I had the joy of watching this chickadee perform for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and uh, I can’t, I couldn’t believe it. When I heard her I was like ‘what is going on here?’ And you know, people in real life face adversity. Most people say comedians on a whole, are often depressed individuals, ...and we’re not [voice breaks]. I’m kidding. [Laughter] This lady had an eye on diversity and decided to use her gift to make people laugh, and definitely an inspiration to me and all the rest of the comedians, so... ...we had to get her on this show. I know she’s got some fans here, you guys don’t know her. Please pay attention, she’s absolutely incredible. I love her, you’re gonna love her, ...put your hands together for Chrissie Cunningham. [Cheering and applause] As Jay mentioned, I’m wonderful! [Laughter] Actually, I’ve been deaf for nearly, I think 8 years now. It happened during a routine pap smear. Freak accident. I sued the doctor of course. The good news is: I don’t have chlamydia! [Laughter] The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed! [Laughter] I hope what you got from that story was that I got to second base with a doctor. [Laughter] I’m kidding no, but isn’t that the goal ladies? Wow, if I were dating a doctor I would let so much stuff slide. [Laughter] Like, “No, no, no I thought your wife and children were wonderful!" [Laughter] Yeah, I’m positive now, but I remember when I first lost my hearing I actually thought: ‘You know what? Now that I’m disabled I’m not going to be able to get a guy to put it inside me’. [Laughter] Which is ridiculous, because, just because I can’t use my ears doesn’t mean guys can’t! [Laughter] No I don’t do that. Actually the great thing about being deaf is ***. Yeah it's really helped me to cope. I’ve learned never to question my boyfriend’s methods. But we can talk and have mouth sex at the same time. Just last week I was telling him: WOLOWOLOWOLO [Laughter] He said:“No that’s fantastic Chrissie! Yes, Jay Martin [the emcee] is wonderful!" [Laughter] "And the crowd at Can U Makem Laugh is great!” [Laughter] [Laughter] I do speak fairly clearly for a deaf person, but because I haven’t always been deaf, I grew up hearing. I find it funny that I get compliments on my speech every day. People will say things like: “Oh, I don’t mean to be condescending but you speak so good!” I'm like “No, I speak well.” [Laughter] I do sometimes fake the deaf accent only because the men love it. [Laughter] [Deaf accent] “My place, or yours?” [Laughter] [Deaf accent] “Don’t come inside me!” [Laughter] [Deaf accent] “Don’t forget to tap out.” [Laughter] It’s actually my birthday today and... [Huge applause, whooping and cheering] Just turned 22. I’m actually a twin. Stand up, give a wave. Please? [Applause and cheering] Don’t embarrass me. We're obviously not identical or she'd have huge *** and a nice ***. [Laughter] Poor thing. It breaks my heart. Clever girl, happy birthday! [Laughter] Smart! [Laughter] [Laughter] Last year my boyfriend, my boyfriend took me to a hypnotist show last year for my birthday. The hypnotist was a bit of an *** though. Before I knew it, I was on stage clucking like a chicken, *** naked. [Laughter] He was like “Please get back to your seat the show hasn’t even started.” “But it’s my birthday.” [Laughter] This year, believe it or not, my boyfriend tried to give me sex for my birthday. [Laughter] What a cheapskate! He totally re-gifted. It was the exact same sex I gave him for Christmas! [Laughter] Being deaf affects you in different ways, It’s given me a little bit of an inferiority complex. When I’m shopping or going somewhere where people... ...I don’t know, whatever their jig is ‘can I help you?’ or whatever. I’ll say “Oh I’m sorry, what’s that? I’m deaf.” And they’re suddenly like it’s contagious, they’ll just get out of there. [Laughter] “What? I’ve got a wallet!” [Laughter] But actually about a year ago, my friends made fun of me for this, so we were in Arent We Naughty and uh... ...I was laughing at this display. There’s a *** based on Pirates of the Caribbean. [Laughter] And, yeah it’s apparently the biggest blockbuster *** ever made, however millions dollars to make. Expensive sex, I don’t know. Anyway I’m laughing at it and the woman came up to me and said: [over-enunciates] “It’s ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS.” Well what the ***? What you don't think I can afford it because I’m deaf? I’ll take two! [Laughter] Of course I get the thing home and the *** thing isn’t even captioned or subtitled. I had no idea what was going on. [Laughter] Sure the captain and the first mate were *** some filthy sea ***, but why? [Laughter] Everybody always remember where they were when they heard JFK was shot. Myself, I was in grade 7 American History. [Laughter] I’ll pause for the laughter, thanks Chelsey! [winks at friend] [Laughter] I hated school growing up. It was awful. In middle school, the principal called my home and I was put on ‘attendance probation'. Whatever. Luckily I had some weight to throw around in 5th period shop. We actually had a shop teacher, named Mr +++++, some of you girls will remember him. I don’t know, there was no evidence but everyone thought this guy was like a massive pervert. And I’d say “Alright, well I’ll see you later”, after attendance. And he'd say “Miss Cunningham, where are you going? I’d say: I don’t know, maybe to the principal’s office to tell him how you fingered me.” “That’s what I thought. I’ll be back at 3 to catch the bus.” [Smokes cigarette] [Laughter] Anyone here have tattoos? I’m deaf, it doesn’t matter what you’re saying. [Laughter] I only wanted to set up the next bit. [Laughter] But people get some really interesting ink. We’ve got a cottage at Sauble Beach and there is some great ink up there. Last summer I was at the beach and I saw a guy with this tattoo, it was absolutely ridiculous. It was Wiley Coyote *** the Roadrunner. [Laughter] I thought to myself: “Yay! He finally caught him!” [Laughter] I am a sucker for a happy ending so… [Laughter] Actually a friend of mine, Kari put up your hand. [Cheering] Don’t be shy. Put your hand up. This girl is the funniest girl you’ll ever meet. And I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed people who draw these moustaches on their fingers. She had this permanently tattooed on her finger. And I tease her that its because one day when she’s a single mom, she doesn’t want to be without a plan. So when the kids come up to her and say: “Mommy can we have some money?!” She's like; “Well it’s okay by me but you're gonna have to ask your father.” “Daddy?” “*** OFF!” [Laughter] “Carl! Don’t speak to the children that way!” “What? Do I want a moustache ride?” “Caaarrrr-uuul!” [Laughter] Alright, you guys have been a great audience. [Huge cheering and applause] I want to thank my sister, mwah! Come on, big round of applause, going for her, man, keep it going for her. [Huge cheering and applause] Unbelievable, that’s unbelievable. Family and friends of hers, of Chrissie’s do me a favour, Do not take her to Jamaica. Cos Jamaican men will be like: [Jamaican accent] “She can’t hear me, wicked, she can't hear wassa, pooja, wassa..." [Laughter] [Laughter] "… yeah!” We Jamaicans take advantage of every opportunity we get. [Laughter] [Jamaican accent] “She can’t hear me? Wicked! I want to kill you with dis!” [Laughter] Another Jamacian joke. Actually, you know it’s funny, the first time I met Chrissie, her boyfriend was in the audience, He tapes it and I hear he that he actually sign languages to let her know when people are laughing and the material. And I was like 'man that is sweet', ...but I asked someone else to sign to her and say, "Yo girl watch your man," "...because a woman will steal that *** in a minute." [Laughter] They be like [tearfully] ‘Oh my god, he’s so patient!’ [Laughter] And they’ll take your man so… [Laughter] Another round of applause for Chrissie. [Cheers and applause]