A Vlog about Being a Big Gay

Hey, so, um. I'm doin' a vlog. Uh. A vlog. We're vloggin'. I WAS LIKE... "I wanna talk. I wanna talk, and I wanna be on camera, and I wanna talk about some stuff, but I don't know what to talk about so send me topics to talk about." And, uh, someone was like--I have the ask. Right here. "If you haven't already done it I would like to see a vlog about your journey-- your journey HSDFDF your journey towards coming out and accepting yourself as a lesbian. As a fellow *** woman, I would really like to hear about it." So I'm gonna talk about BEIN' A BIG GAY! Um, yeah. Bein' a big gay. Yeah. Bein' a big gay. Um. My webcam, just like, stopped... but it's still going so I guess I'm gonna keep talkingTHERE IT IS okay, so... Um... I'm going to preface this by saying that, uh, my coming out story is HORRIBLY BORING. Um, but I'm gonna tell it anyways, I'm gonna try to make it interesting, I'm sorry if it's not what you were expecting but uh... I'm doin' it, so. You asked. So. WHEN I~ was a youngin', raised in a beautiful heteronormative society, I knew with 100% clarity that I was STRAIGHT. I liked boys, boys liked me, that is how it goes. Um... I did fall into the ~~~LESBIAN STEREOTYPE~~~ of having more boys as friends as a child but I don't really chalk that up to anything foreshadowing my sexuality I just got along better with boys because, um, I had more in common with them I guess... uh, I was 100% straight I even remember, I had a blog when I was like ten years old, I wanna say? And I remember, like, I would say really, like happy things about my friends who were girls, and I would always preface it with, "wow that sounds really gay." "NO ***" I mean I didn't say it like that but it was like "I'm not gay... I just... am really sentimental about my friends and I love them." "Platonically." And I was telling the truth! But, you know... only about the platonic part. I didn't really know that I was gay, 'cause what can you do, heteronormative society. Um. AND THEN... EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED--no, um... I was 11 years old and, uh, some backstory--a lot of people who are close to me know about this, I'm gonna try to condense it because it's very long story--I met a girl when I was... uh... 9 years old? 5th grade, so I had to have been like, 9, 10... um, and her name was Samantha, she was real cool Um, some stuff you gotta know about me as a child: In the summer between my fourth and fifth grade year I had my first real WHAM reality your friends are going to treat you like *** and you're not gonna to know what to do about it. So, basically, I moved to this new town-- Granite Falls--I made these friends and um, they weren't really my friends. They were just using me because I was weird and they made fun of me and they would like take me places in town and then ditch me, and I'd have to find my way back home and I didn't know the town, so I would be scared and alone, and basically they bullied me as a tool for their own amusement. But I thought they were my friends! Like, they were really manipulative and they made me think that I was actually friends with them. So, um, After that year I was far more angry than a 9 year old should be, I just HATED everyone. I was just this little ball of rage, I was a beast. I did not want to forge relationships with anyone, I sat on a hill, um, it's actually right outside my window, I moved next to my elementary school much later, I just sat on this hill by this fire hydrant and I did not talk to anyone, because I hated everyone. So one day, this girl Samantha she approaches me and she's like "You look really lonely, let's be friends." and I'm like "*** no, I don't wanna talk to you!" because um, we had kind of a history--she had 'stolen' my only real friend from me he much more enjoyed spending time with her than he did with me so I was very upset at her... um, and I was like "I don't wanna be friends with you, I don't like you." and, uh, long story short SHE KEPT COMING BACK? EVERY DAY? No matter what venom, and vitriol I threw towards her, she just kept coming back! She was like this little... pest and she just, would not leave me alone, so... I think eventually she told me she was into the same anime as I was, and I kinda warmed up to her, and we talked about anime, and we like, gave each other nicknames, AND THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY that I will tell, if you want me to, but, Um, I've told it like, a million times... to... EVERYONE... UH. Sam was my best friend. IN THE WHOLE ***' WORLD, and she stuck with me, and she taught me how to smile, and how to believe in other people, and how to fight for my friends, and she is responsible for every friend I made that year. She would bring people into our little group, and I would always be wary of them and, I would not give my heart to them but she would just bring more and more people in, and before I knew it I was surrounded by friends. And like, I didn't do anything! These people genuinely just liked me because she had introduced them to me, and that was really weird, but in a really good way? And yeah! So, 6th grade happened. And I was in middle school, and Sam was in middle school, and I just became so emotionally attached to her. I followed her everywhere like, I still have her class schedule memorized. Okay, that sounds REALLY creep--but, I could tell you every subject and every teacher she had, um, when she was like... 11 years old. I followed her everywhere. Like, she'd go to the bathroom and I would sit in the mirror, and like, play with my hair. I could not stand to have her out of my sight. When she was absent from school, I literally could feel myself falling apart. Like, I would just sit in class and draw pictures of us being together, and not apart, and I'd give them to her, and she still has ALL OF THEM. Point was, I was so very obviously in love with her, and I did not know what being 'in love' meant. I am sure--I am 100% sure-- that if one of us was a boy, I would've figured it out. I would've been like, "OH MY GOD, I'M IN LOVE WITH HER~!" because HETERONORMATIIIVITYY~! But, no--I just thought that I had a very good friend who I was very platonically enamored with, and I did not--it just totally slipped my mind I that was in love with her. And then one night, I was watching InuYasha, and Kagome was talking about being in love with InuYasha, and I was like "Holy ***, Kagome, I feel you! I feel you so much!" "I'm in love with my best friend!" And, it was like, [EXPLOSIONS] The thought did not occur to me, 'oh my god, you're gay.' The thought occurred to me, 'oh my god, you're in love, this is a big deal, this is a really big deal, you actually LOVE someone! this is not a crush, this is not a fleeting emotion, you are IN LOVE, wendy!' And I was like... HUWAAA~! The whole being gay thing was an afterthought, I was like... '...does that mean I like girls???' And I was just like whaaat the fuuuuck, but I mean, I didn't say I liked girls. I had just learned that being bisexual was a thing, and I was like, 'okay, well... i'm not DISGUSTED by guys, i still LIKE guys... so I must be bisexual.' So, I was like, okay. If I know something about myself, I'm not going to hide it. So, there was no really 'accepting myself as a *** woman.' I just, I was like "I AM SUPER GAY~!" "And I am REALLY happy about it! I wanna tell everyone!" I did not care about who would judge me for it, I did not care about the repercussions-- I just wanted to tell someone, so I told a bunch of my friends and I let it be a rumor. I would tell people around the school. I would be like I AM SUPER GAY and then I would just let it float along the wind. There were no--there was no, like, stares, there was no bullying. Nobody was like "Oh, she's /bisexual/, ugh..." Um, a lot of my friends who were girls were also, um, coming out as bisexual. There were at least two of them I know, that shared that with me, and I was like "Aw, we can be friends! Little *** party!" The news reached Sam, after she'd moved away, and she didn't feel the same way--big ***' deal, I was crushed, I spent a lot of time crying, it ain't her fault, w/e. Who cares. We are SO TIGHT. Sam and I have never stopped being tight, I'm still ***' in love with her, it has been like, seven, eight years... I don't even KNOW anymore, we are TIGHT. ME AND SAM... Me and Sam are ***' tight. So, I was bisexual when I was 11 years old. And then I moved to a different school, and I met a boy, and I fell in love with the boy. The boy was literally a male version of Sam, so I was like "Ahh! Yes! :D" And we dated for like, over a year, it was a big deal, Um, and I wasn't really into, uh... the *** element of it. But I was like, eh, whatever, who *** cares. And, um, as far as coming out? It was really weird, 'cause, I was living my mom that year, and one time I just mentioned, like "Hey, what if I was bisexual?" And she was like... "WELL R U SURE IT'S NOT A PHASE???" and I was like oh my fuuucking god "NO MOM, IT'S NOT A PHASE," And, like, she didn't believe me? Um... Which I think is pretty common? And that was really funny, that she didn't believe me. I don't know. I think what got her to-- what convinced her--was that I said like, um, "You know, I'm really in love with this girl, Sam, and I mean like, I'm like, ENAMOURED with her..." and she was like "And you don't feel that way about Sarah?" Sarah was another very close female friend of mine, who I met online and would constantly come up and visit, and we were just really close. Like, I talked very highly of her. And I was like, "No, Sarah's like, my friend! That's weird." And so, I think that differentiation--that not every female in close with, I'm in love with--that helped her to realize that I was serious? I don't really know. I guess, coming out to my other--'cause, I have a mom, I have an almost-step-dad, I have a dad, and I have a step mom-- and I live primarily with my dad and step-mom, so the thing with my dad and my step mom is that they love me, and they're great parents, and I love them, and we're so close, and we have great relationships! But we don't have like... a close relationship...? I dunno how to explain this. We don't... tell each other everything. Like, if I told my parents everything, they'd probably be cool with everything I had to say. But we don't... it's not something that comes up. There's no, like, dinner table discussion, or anything, like, um... I don't really know. I think the closest I came was, I was sitting on the couch... uh... with this girl I was dating, Madelyn, at the time, and she was like... stroking my hair, and I was, like, cuddling up on her. And my step-mom was that was just making this, like, not necessarily disgusted, but like, totally weirded out face at me? And my step-mom INSISTED for, like, YEARS that I wasn't gay, unless I'd had sex with a girl. Because when she was younger, I guess she had a phase, where she thought that she liked girls, but as soon as she had go down on a girl she was like NUH-UH, and she-- she was projecting that onto me, which is just ridiculous because... How do you know you don't like cats if you've never had sex with a cat? Y'know... it's like... Whatever. ***--Whatever! LOGIC. Yeah. There was that. And then there was a couple other times when it was hinted at, I guess. Like... I was dating this girl... who'll be referred to as "McClain," and, you know, one time Sandi was like "IS THAT UR GIIIRLFRIEND? :D" and I was like "Yeah..." And then she would, like, give me a presents, and she would be like "THIS IS 4 UR GIRLFRAAAAND! :D" So, like, I think it was still a joke to her at that point. I don't ***' know. But then, um... there was one time, where we were like, sitting, like, the whole family? In the theater downstairs, and we were watching 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' and it was the secret tunnel episode, and it was like that part where Katara's like "Maybe we should kiss, Aang!" and Aang's like "Woah that's ***' weird,,," and like they almost kiss and then, like, right when it got silent, my dad was like, "So how do you feel about BOYS these days, Madi?" and I was like "Uhh... I like girls more." And he just kinda like... didn't say anything. And that's how I accidentally came out to my dad. There was another time when I was dating this girl Veronica, and her mom was *** crazy... Like, they're from Alaska. Like, from Sarah Palin's hometown, I *** you not, they live in the same-- Anyways, um, her mom was ***' crazy and thought that I was some... like... lesbian predator trying to like coerce her daughter into, like, sex on the internet? And so her mom called my dad, and was like... yelling at my dad like, "DO U KNO THAT UR DAUGHTER'S TOUTING--IS PROSTITUTING HERSELF ON THE INTERNET?!!!11" it was... ***' weird... and my dad just laughed his *** off at her. After that, I remember my dad was like "If you're gonna bring a boy home..." and then he like, corrected himself, and he was like "...or girl..." and I was like... oh, cool, dad! One time... Skyrim came out, and my sister was like, "Madi, you should play Skyrim!" and dad's like "Don't play Skyrim, it'll turn you gay!" and, uh, Rylea--my sister--she was like, "WELL IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT..." and I was like UUUUGH, like-- my sister has this thing where she outs me? ALL THE ***' TIME, because she thinks I just... tell people this, and it's like, I DON'T, RYLEA! I REALLY DON'T. Some time... uh... when I was 14, I realized that I liked girls more than boys, and I was aware of the Kinsey scale, and I would always just say, like, "I'm this on the Kinsey scale, I have a preference for girls..." but, um, I started to refer to myself as a lesbian with exceptions, because occasionally I would want to date a guy, but like... Um, I really liked girls better, and that was before I knew enough about human sexuality. When I got involved with tumblr, which I think I was 15, 16 when I started really getting involved with the tumblr community? I found out that romantic interest and *** interest are separate, and that was like, perfect for me! because I do NOT want sex with guys, um, at all... I'm okay with watching it, but... I don't want--No. If there's a ***, stay away. Um, so I was like, okay that's cool! I'm panromantic and I'm homosexual! Perfect. I only wanna *** girls, but I can fall in love with anyone regardless of gender identity or lack thereof. So... There was that. People don't really understand that... So, it's really weird when I tell them like, "Oh my goood! I love this guy! He's so cute! I just wanna kiss his face! :3" They're like "BUT UR A LEZBEEN" like, I don't wanna /***/ him... Like. omg. One time, like, I don't know, the topic of sexuality was broached with my mom... And my mom was like "Well, are you bisexual or are you gay?" and my sister was just like "OH, SHE'S A LESBIAN." and I was like RYLEA.......... THIS ISN'T UR ***. SHUT UP. Okay. The pont of this vlog is that my coming out story is probably not the same as a lot of coming out stories, because I live in Washington State. And for those of you who don't know, western Washington is basically still Canada, And it's extreeeemely liberal! We are a blue-*** state, okay. Like... Oh, god--there's a quote from this comedian, talking about all the different parades in Seattle, okay, like, Seattle Gay Pride Parade is like... our fifth gayest parade! We are so *** friendly, and just so... I mean, you like, you go to Seattle and it's basically still Vancouver. So I live in a very liberal place, and as such my parents are very liberal. Even my grandparents who are crazy conservatives aren't like "Homosexuality is a sin!!" you know? Like my grandma will sit down with me and she'll talk about all of her favorite things that Bill O'Reilly says and then I'll educate her on proper pronoun use and trans* rights, and how Islamophobia is tearing the country apart. And she'll totally listen! And be like "You've got a really good point there!" I'm very lucky I have not had to deal with bullying because of my sexuality. Um--there have been a couple times where I have been extremely scared to hold my girlfriend's hand, because one time we almost got followed home by some people who possibly wanted to do harm to us and one time at night there were some people screaming slurs at us, and I swear to god they were gonna run us over with their car... but that is like, the worst I've had to deal with, is just being out on the streets. Um... and even then, like, if it was in Seattle I would feel better. The only reason I think I have to deal with that is because I live in a redneck town. Um, like... way far out in the mountains. So, sorry if that story is boring, but that's... that's my deal! That's my dealio. Um, my coming out was not official, nothing was thrown, my dad has stated multiple times that he does not want to know anything about my dating life-- whether it be boys, girls, animals--whatever. Those were his words. I'm kinda lucky. My sister I'm pretty sure is pansexual, too. and mom doesn't give a ***, and my little sisters... you know, they don't know if they're whatever, 'cause they're too young. But, uh, my little sister, my second littlest sister has stated that she only has crushes on anime characters, so... good job, Amber! That's... that's pretty much it. I am sorry if it was not up to par. Um... but yeah! That's... that's my dealio. LIKE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MO--no. idk. Anyways, I don't know how to end this, but uh, you're all beautiful, and if you want me to talk about things, tell them to me! Send me asks on tumbl! My tumbl is... Uh, yeah... you probably knew that, 'cause you're watching this video from there, but whoofuckincaresssvbfsdfsad Anyways... I wore my rainbow bracelet for this video. I'm gonna end it now, 'cause it's 20 ***' minutes.