A Very Zombie Christmas

Brr! It's very zombie outside! Merry Christmas, Mr Splooge! -***'d you say? -M-m-merry Christmas? -Chrsitmas! Bah Humbug! -Sir? -(Sighs) Yes? -I was wondering if, sir, well if it's not too much trouble, well seeing as it's Christmas tomorrow -Aww, out with it, girl! -Could I become a zombie? -A zombie? Tomorrow? Christmas? Said in an angry voice? Stop reading the stage directions? You must be having a laugh! -What's all this? -This imbecile of an employee thinks she can become a "zombie". My employee? A zombie! (Ghostly moans) Hiiii. -(Scream) Who- who are you? -I am a ghost. And a zombie. And a warning! -Wait! It can't be. Are you- -Yes! It is I, Marley. -Incredible! How've you been? Caw! It's been years! Where've you been? -I died, Sploogey! -Oh! Good-o! When was this? -Ten years ago, prick. You left me in the cupboard to die when we were playing -(Both) Hide and seek! -Yes, yes, I remember. -Sploogey! That's not important right now! I have come to warn you of -Hey! Hey! Remember that time we pushed thos nuns in the river? -Sploogey! I have come to warn you of a terrible fate that will befall you if you don't change your ways. I was human in my time, Sploogey. I never ate braaaains. I never killed those in need. But worst of all, I never loved. As a result of my human ways, I am forced to wear these chains for all eternity! -Well they look pretty badass! -They are NOT badass! They are too heavy and they are too tight! -Oh. -Yes. -Are you trying to scare me? -No, ***. I mean, noooo dickheeeead. I'm trying to saaave you. -Oh. okay. -Before the nights end, you must change your wicked ways. Forever! I am the ghost of Christmas Past! Do not fear me! -No you're Marley. -***! Take my hand. we shall walk to location! -What? -The budget is very small. Smaaaaaall... -Spirit? Who is that boy? He looks like a right little ***. -That is you, aged ten. -I love Zombie Snap! -Well it can't be me! -Believe me Splooge, you were not always the boring *** you are now. -SNAAAPPP!!! -Why. I was such a joyous young lad, wasn't I, Spirit? -Prick. Come! Let us walk to another location! This is you age twenty-five, when the zombie outbreak began. Began. BEEEGAAANNN!!! -Stop that. -Oh. -Eleventy-one. Eleventy-two. Eleventy-three. Eleventy-five. -Look at you. Where are all your friends? -They were... becoming zombies. -And you? You were being a boring ***. Boring, booorrringgg!!! I am the zombie of a Christmas present. -Surely 'Christmas Present'? -I know what I said, ***. I mean. I KNOW WHAT I SAID, ***. -Sorry. -Here you go. -It's me... In the present! -Sploogey... Sploogey... I have come, to take you back to the future! -That was terrible. Where are we? -If you don't become a zombie. You will become homeless. Homeless! Less of hooommmmeee!!! -No. No. Nooooooooo!!! -Yes. -Oh right. Cheers. Yep, learnt my lesson. Thanks. See ya. Bye And from that anti-climax forward, Splooge decided to become a zombie. A miser zombie. A smelly, old -But still a zombie! -And of course, the moral of the story is; always follow the crowd. And a happy new year! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hello. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. He learnt his lesson quickly. Okay. Yep. Be back soon. Spread 'em!