House MD S4E13 - English Transcript

Whoever thought walking in a circle at two miles an hour would be draining? Fresh air, exercise. You know, some things do have their negative sides. Our income just got cut in half. And we get to spend twice as much time together. More, if you don't leave before your lunch hour's over. Out of my way. We have a legal right to hold you up for 15 seconds. - 14, - One. 10 Just trying to do my job. Hey, relax Three more seconds, and you can go. Are you telling me what to do? It's okay. Just take a breath. Get the hell off me. I think it's been 15. You okay? Oh, my God, Jeff! This place is a mess. Welcome to a world without nurses. Here, you can start with these. It's not my fault. I didn't use nurses. Cuddy was looking for you. Said she'd send you here. I know, that's why I'm here. Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet. She's gonna look everywhere except the place she wants me to be. - I've got an aortic dissection here. - What's with the idiot? Fainting spell and recent history of dysgeusia. Everything tastes like lemon meringue pie. You wanna take him? No. Sir. Why do you have two lunches in front of you? Been here for two meals. - And you're happy with that? - No. I just don't see much use in complaining. Seriously? It's a very useful tool. Complain, you make people miserable. They do what you want to make the misery go away. You probably should say something. - Maybe I can call one of the doctors - They're doing their best. What the hell? I'm sure it was an accident. Is he canadian? He's a low priority Is that a yes? - He's just - Happy. I gotta stop this before it spreads. You guys are done. This could be a metabolic disorder, toxic exposure, carcinoma of the tongue, metastasized the brain, epilepsy, M. S. Or it could be the flu, and we should all be back in the ER. No, you're ignoring the big symptom. What if we're looking at both the flu and decent parenting? Okay, you two are perfectly healthy. This guy wasn't pandering. He wasn't vanilla nice. He was nice without any aspiration, personal gain. I'm thinking genetic defect. Niceness is a defect? Three cavemen see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate. And how long has the patient been suffering? At least as long as his wife has known him. 11 years. The chances of him having an undiagnosed pathology - for that long- - What are you saying? That evolution is wrong? Where do you think we are? He's saying that statistics are true too. The world is a bell curve. Most of us fall within the standard deviation, but there are outliers, and if we believe in the existence of extreme jerkiness, which I suspect that we do Then we also have to accept the existence of the opposite extreme. You want it to be a symptom because then we're supposed to be jerks, which means you don't even have to try to be nice. Okay. Maybe I'm biased. Let's take a vote. Who thinks that niceness is not a symptom? And who thinks that their vote counts? You two, check out his home for toxins. - Taub and Thirty-one - Thirty-one? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you. Taub and Thirteen, MRI for tumors and eeg for nerve damage. Test whatever comes out of him for everything else. Too much axis tilt. Don't release until your thumb's at the bottom of the ball. I assume Wilson was busy. Again. No axis tilt. With Amber? Again. Still, it was nice of you to invite me. This is fun. No, it wasn't. No, it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves. What's the second thing? Other hand. If people are incapable of being nice, why bother having the word? The ontological proof of niceness. The existence of the word proves the existence of the concept. Look out for those minotaurs on your drive home. And I thought motives didn't matter. Only results mattered. So what are you gonna do to screw up Wilson's relationship so you don't have to listen to me while you bowl? I wish the best for them and their tragically deformed children. Well, she's good at being bad. You might not be able to destroy her. As long as I give it my best shot. I'm gonna hold my head high. Cameron had this one insufferable friend. She wasn't gonna get rid of her, and I sure wasn't gonna join 'em. So I just said, "See her on thursdays. " I know it's not as exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but hell, I don't want to hang out with her every night anyway. That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable friend? Joint custody. Of Wilson? Unless we have another love child. Deal with him. He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him. I'm just saying I'm entitled too. I don't know how to deal with him when he's being reasonable. This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child. You can make your own plans. No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation swap your lubricant with superglue. The man knows me. This is his way of accepting us. It's actually a very touching moment. I'm proposing I get every other day and every other weekend. I have yoga wednesdays. You can have him then. But you have to have him home by 11:00. We can swap weekends. Mondays and wednesdays, and midnight. If he's not home till midnight, we won't be asleep till almost 2:00. Wilson, make a ruling. No. You two are like dogs circling each other in the park. And I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each other's butts, bare your teeth, and arrive at some strange detente. Otherwise, you'll end up biting each other's eyes out. Again with all the love in the world. I'll let you sniff first. Take my deal, or get out of my apartment. Take my deal, or I move in. This guy worked for Habitat For Humanity - in Costa Rica. - And coaches handicapped kids. You think we should do a work-up on the other coaches? It is possible he's too perfect. I'm not saying he's perfect. I'm saying he's trying to be. That's what people do. - What? - That's not what people do. People usually suck, but they want to be good, - want to be nice. - House? Exception that proves the rule. - What sort of argument is that? - A bad one. That might be relevant. Hydrofluoric acid. Lowers his calcium, causes the fainting and taste issue. But not the niceness. Wouldn't that be nice? You are king Solomon. If you want us to cut him in half, we're cool with that. My boyfriend's too much of a wuss to make the call for himself. And I mean that with all the love in the world. I'm gonna *** off one of them, and they both scare me. "Your treatment of patients is reprehensible. " - You're reading his performance review? - I'm busy. We have a nurses' strike. "Your management of employees borders on abuse. " Let's go. No, why I want to hear it. "You are overly contemptuous - of hospital hierarchy. " - And covertly. I suppose you didn't know about that. "Your attitude towards supervisory personnel "is disrespectful, and a disturbingly large proportion of your comments are racist or sexist. " That top makes you look like an afghani ***. Would be an example of that. Sign this. I got the It can wait. I will sign, if you will give us a ruling. I will give you a ruling, if you do the reviews on your team. I'd be happy to continue the mockery of this process. What'd you offer him? Wednesdays till 11:00 and alternate weekends. Wednesdays till 11:00 and alternate weekends. Yes. Wednesday nights are ladies' nights at cheetah's. - Calcium's normal. - Wow, it really could wait. - Everything's normal. - And you thought it wouldn't be. He's a carpet cleaner. He's got a home full of hydrofluoric acid. His calcium should be low. It kinda does. Hf causes lower levels of Lower, not low. - Lower than normal. - Lower than yesterday. Yesterday might have been high. What's lower than high? He actually has hypercalcemia, which is being lowered to normal by the HF. So what gives us elevated calcium, bad taste, and fainting? I take it you know? Get the team. This is gonna be fun. Hello, again. These people think you are not too nice. Too nice? For what? For life as we know it to have evolved without an intelligent designer. I'm going to prove them wrong. Your wife is very ugly. - Get out of here ! - Deb. He's obviously trying to prove a point. I think I just did. You're either perfect or you're sick. In my experience, sick is much more common. He's not sick. He's nice. Nice in the sense that your toaster is nice for making you breakfast. It's the only thing his wiring will let him do. He has Williams syndrome. Your husband is missing the genes that make him suspicious. You're wrong. - He's - Relax, there's no cure. He's gonna go right on tasting lemon meringue pie, fainting, and being a sap. - What about the other symptoms? - He has no other symptoms. But Williams does. He's got teeth, - glasses. - Williams cuts IQ by 20. He doesn't work in the physics department. Except when they spill a black hole on their carpet. Elfin appearance? Yeah, he's more legolas than keebler, but I bet you he can still crack off a batch of pecan sandies. Perfect pitch? You love to karaoke, right? I suck. - Modest. Another symptom. - No, he really does suck. Give us a warble. - You know any Cher? - No. But I know Bread. What's the matter? He's stroking. Had a moment too soon. You were wrong. Why do people say that with such pleasure? - It's very hurtful, you know. - It means the patient gets to keep being nice. - Why does that offend you? - It's the way he said it. He wasn't relieved, he was excited. He was also wrong. And I say that with no sense of pleasure. Patient's negative for Williams which means the stroke and everything else - wasn't caused - You have a friendly demeanor, but you sometimes get too involved. You relate well to your peers and patients. And you complete tasks in a timely manner. Please sign. What the hell was that? I have to give each of you performance reviews. Plenty of other conditions can cause debilitating niceness. How is that supposed to help him? I don't know. How's it supposed to help Wilson? Cross out Wilson's name and the date, and then fill in your own name. The point of a review is to give feedback to help. I'm thinking neurosyphilis. Wouldn't show up on the MRI without contrast. I'll go run the tests. He doesn't think it's syphilis, but he's gonna go run those tests anyway. Because he doesn't know. - That's why we do tests. - Because he's a wimp. Because he's afraid of you. You want me to intimidate him into not being afraid? - Not sure I know how to do that. - Reviews make a difference. People have to listen, they have to learn. I don't think that the right time to tell the dog not to pee on the rug is semi-annually. You don't want to do the paperwork. I am concerned about the rainforest. I'll do it. I know. I don't have syphilis. You don't know. How many ways are there to get it? You can know who you had sex with. - you can't know who she - I do. Not for sure. It's a waste of time. I had a stroke. You can't keep wasting time. - We were tested for the peace corps. - Ten years ago. You haven't been with your wife every minute of every day. You think I'm naive, don't you? I think you're Yeah. I know my wife. She's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But she loves me. And she's always loved me. Every minute, every day. You're 15 minutes late. Have you heard the good news? Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the Spectrum? Happiness is possible. And not just in this life, but in the next Oh, you're selling religion. I'm sorry, I bought some islam yesterday. Well, it's where your light shows signs before mending Have a good evening. - You're late. - 15 minutes. my 16 minutes. So keep him an extra 16 minutes. You hear that? She doesn't care. You're going mini-golfing. What's it matter? - You got a tee off time? - It matters because you don't get to decide what matters. It was my fault. I had to take a shower. Which was my fault. I had to take a dump. Anything else I don't need to know before you leave? Have fun on your playdate. You've got mommy's numbers, right? Daddy needs a drink. I was thinking - if we discount the niceness issue - Sit down. - I think it's a heart defect. - Nothing on the echo. Could be a patent foramen ovale. It explains the stroke, and the syncope, and a PFO wouldn't show up on a routine echo. I'm gonna do a bubble test. You got a minute first? Sure. I think you've shown remarkable strength in a difficult situation. Are you giving me a performance review? A good one. I'm gonna do a bubble test. There was enough blood left over from his admission work-up to run the VDRL. - You doubted your patient. - No, what I thought didn't matter. House said he wouldn't let us go on until we ruled out neurosyphilis. It's not neurosyphilis; it's a PFO. It's neurosyphilis. The tests were positive. It's always the same conversation. They tell you you must be mistaken, which is why I always run the tests twice, and then they blame the other guy, which makes sense if they're innocent, but obviously, half of 'em aren't. They don't seem to get that they're busted. Scientifically proven. Unless your spouse cheated too. Exactly. That's what you're praying for in that moment. That she cheated too. If she doesn't kill you, you know that she did. You know she betrayed you. And then, you realize that that sucks worse. - The test must be wrong. - I ran it twice. Not that test. The one I took ten years ago. What other explanation is there? - He really sees no other possibility. - Did you have an affair? - No. - Then why aren't you angry with him? You ever know anybody who's just too nice? No. It's annoying. Then you realize it's annoying because they remind you of what you are not. That you'll never be as good as they are. And then you think, why can't i? And before you know it, that naive idiot you laughed at has made you a better person. You really think I've been in love all these years with a symptom? If syphilis caused lesions in his brain, and the lesions caused personality changes, you may notice a change in him as his condition improves. I know my husband. He's not gonna change. You should get yourself tested. So much for the bell curve. How can House be an *** without it being an illness, but niceness is a biological crime? You got five bucks? Uh, yeah. Niceness just cost you five bucks. Being an *** generally turns a profit. Kutner, could you excuse us? I need to do Taub's review. You can stay. I think it would be better if this was done privately. This isn't gonna be done. What is it with you guys? I've given you advice before. Not as our boss. What's the difference? Advice is advice. Fair enough. I'll go first. You demonstrate a great air of confidence, - which is really *** me off. - House authorized me How long have you known him? He's using you. - I volunteer cause I knew he wouldn't. - He could care less about paperwork. He's using you to screw with you. He knows it'll annoy us. We'll stand up to you, which will force you to confront the fact that even though you think you're our superior, you're no different from us. He gave you authority to keep you in your place. It's true. Thanks. - Not him, what'd he say? - Nothing, what's true? There's something wrong with this guy, it means there's something wrong with House. Are you trying to get me drunk? - What time is it? - 10:30. Ooh. She'll kill you. I'll get you home before lights out. Great. Then she'll kill me. If I get If I get any more drunk, then I'm It Might not work. If you, uh, know what I mean. Really? You'd think that one or more of your ex-wives - would have mentioned that to me. - They told you? Wait. Why do you want to get Amber angry? - Because I'm your friend. - No, no, no. You said you approved, you said you were taking the high road. For how long, the first exit? Hello, and thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death. - Patient's vomiting blood. - Hematemesis could indicate Don't put it on the board. - You don't think it's a symptom? - I think it's my marker. He has syph. And what? And syph, it can cause hematemesis. Not everyone agrees. How-how could you Cause if you all though it was just syph, you wouldn't have woken me up in the middle of the night. If it was just syph, he wouldn't be getting worse. - He's already on penicillin. - Bleeding's probably from liver damage, probably caused by ethanol in the cleansers or the penicillin. Two more probablys than I like to hear. Liver tests and serologies are gonna take a full day. Full night, actually. Guy might not make it to brunch. Yes, I knew about your issue with alcohol. Yes, I intentionally got you drunk to provoke an argument between you and Amber. Why I would do such a thing is an interesting question. What's more interesting is that you knew as much as I did and you're the one who's pouring down the drinks. Why? Because I thought I was out having fun with a friend. I didn't know the drinks had subtext. I gotta get home. Ggt's normal. Rules out alcohol. How about serum protein? It's positive. Kinda assumed he had protein. It's how much protein he has we care about. It's positive for syphilis. You mind if I give you a performance review? Not the patient. House. He has syphilis. What happened? Every time I searched my soul I found Anna. Are you gonna tell Marie? I have to. It will destroy her. Could it be any worse on her Yes? You might want to turn off the tv. I'm multi-tasking. Also doing my taxes. And Cuddy. What'd you find out? The patient has hepatitis. I assume from your omission of the word "viral" before the hep that it's not another STD. Put him on steroids and test him for sarcoid before the liver failure becomes liver failed. We're all doing this. There's more? You have syphilis. No, I don't. One of us found a vial of your blood in the lab Which one of you? It's treatable. We filled a prescription. You okay? So this is why he is who he is. - We don't know. - We know. It's not just a coincidence. Wilson says he's always been a jerk. - But he got worse. - After his leg. The leg was a coincidence. Did you sleep with him? So what's gonna happen? What's gonna change? - Maybe he'll be less of a jerk. - Or less of a doctor. You gotta be a jerk to be a good doctor? I don't know. Maybe House does. Why aren't you answering me? Because it's none of their business. It's none of your business. I think the STD makes it my business. Humans are complicated. Humans are simple. A million different things make us who we are. You change one, you change everything. If Mozart was better adjusted, decides to play catch one day, maybe there's no "Magic Flute". You did, didn't you? There's something I need to tell you. You returned him drunk. On time. - Drunk. - On time. No tag backs. The purpose of the time was to give me time. So you didn't have sex? - I like sex. - Then you can have it tonight. The L Word is on. You don't get to decide what matters. Either you're genuinely afraid i'm gonna make him miserable, or you're afraid i'm gonna make him happy, or you simply can't stop screwing with anything that moves It doesn't really matter because whatever the reason, you'll only get worse. Until either I stop seeing Wilson, or I stop you. What do you think i'm gonna choose? If you terminate the agreement, it's not gonna bring peace in the mideast. I'm not terminating the agreement. I'm amending the agreement. I'm adding penalty clauses. Fine. Whoever violates it gets their finger cut off. - I'm serious. - So am I. You want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour. - I'm not cutting - We'll figure it out. On your time. You know she's certifiable, right? I got the forms in my desk. Where is she wrong? What were you gonna tell me? Nothing. You're punishing me? I needed to tell you something privately. I'm not gonna tell her. You'll tell her. She's your girlfriend. - You should tell her. - You're my friend. It's not the same. Don't sulk. Where am I wrong? Your management style is counterproductive. You gave me authority over the team, just so they could undercut Ticking the clap-addled? That's sort of tasteless. I didn't feel like waiting until your genitals cleared up. You need to formalize my authority over the team. - No, I don't. - You don't think I'm qualified? Compared to those three? You wanna punish Cuddy for hiring me without I like Cuddy. I like parts of her. You wanna crush the team by crushing me? I want to empower them. Those three idiots need to respect you. They should respect you. They should be afraid of you. So I have to humiliate you. If the team fears you, they won't question you, if they don't question you, they won't get answers if they don't get any answers, they're useless. Mocking me saves lives? The hospital will probably build you a statue one day. You know, with a "kick me" sign on the back. When you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it shows I have respect for you. Or you made up that b. s. Because you like humiliating me. Wouldn't rule that out completely. - You busy? - Almost done. So just remember, the rabbit goes around the tree and jumps down the hole. Negative for sarcoidosis. Run him for everything you can think of. Lepto, schisto, hemo, and the fourth Marx Brother nobody ever heard of. You ***! I just went to get us some lunch, you were asleep. You moved my book. Jeff. Calm down. It's just the drugs. The drugs didn't move my book Jeff? My husband's having a heart attack Can somebody help me, please? Somebody help me, please! She saved his life. Or she scabbed. Depends on your point of view. So what do we think? New symptom? Or just a wife ***? Hey. Time for you to take this baby for a spin. We, loaded him full of prednisone to try to fix the liver. Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail. Prednisone could cause 'roid rage, which could cause hypertension, - which results - 'roid rage after six hours? At that rate, by sundown, he'll have eaten most of us. It still could be penicillin. Allergic reaction How does a fried liver put him into a rage? It's not frying his liver, frying his syphilis. The penicillin's working. The real patient is emerging. So syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be more attractive to the ladies. I was gonna test for a heart issue before the syphilis. PFO could explain the heart attack and reduced blood flow to the brain could explain the rage. Well, all good ideas. Okay, let's take a vote. How many think it's the'roids talking? And who's for the penicillin? And how about whatever she said? Someone hasn't raised their hand. Whatever I decide? You're setting me up. Why would I do that? PFO. The PFOS have it. I just hope the bubble test is positive. Or it's no more mr. Nice guy. We gave van gogh chelation therapy. Turned him into a house painter. Maybe not. Maybe we just put hitler on ritalin. Are you comparing House to Hitler? Oh God. Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than hitler. Maybe Taub is right. Maybe this is good. This is not good. Well, he respected our opinions, he mocked himself, he was civil, he shared. He didn't care. He never cares. He didn't vote. He always cared about one thing. Solving the puzzle. But he was irrelevant to that diagnosis. He had no opinion of his own. He now cares about nothing. You had no choice; you had to treat him. What's done is done. You know that thing I was gonna tell you, I gotta tell you. I gotta tell someone. You've got to swear not to tell c. b. Whatever. That's not swearing, that's shrugging. It's actually the opposite of swearing. I won't tell amber. My team thinks that I have syphilis. - Do you? - Not yet. Why do they think you do? 'Cause i knew that they had access to an old blood sample, and I knew they'd test it sometime for something. Why would you swap your blood? What are you afraid they'll find? Shut up, ou're missing the point. Now, they think that I'm on penicillin. Is this some clever practical joke that I'm not aware of? And as I get better, I get nicer. That's brilliant. Foreman thinks I actually value his opinion. Thank god he said PFO, or I'd have had to do some dancing. You got time for bowling? Come on, it's work hours. I'll get my shoes. - So we don't need to talk about - No. - You're gonna keep screwing - Yeah. You're gonna keep talking about it. We are who we are. I'll get my shoes. Okay, got a good view of the heart. What if we lower House's dosage? Maybe stabilize him, he doesn't get worse, he doesn't get better. Quite the line to walk. If we're wrong, he dies of neurosyphilis. If we don't, other people die. Other people who aren't our boss. People. This sucks. The guy had a gift. I'd kill. Hi, what? House doesn't have syphilis. He switched the blood samples. - How do you know? - House told Wilson. I wanted to ruin House's day. See ya. - We're idiots. - We're not idiots. Positive blood test means positive blood test. Apparently not. There they are, let's see if they What are you doing? We're not done. He doesn't have syphilis. I know. Patient tested positive for syphilis, right? Is this some sort of recap? But why did he test positive for syphilis? Oh, I know this. Either, one, he has syphilis - I was gonna say that. - Or two, the test was wrong twice, or three, he gave us someone else's blood. - Who? - Amber. Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I gotta go on a killing spree. Or, four, he has something that tests positive for syphilis. It's not Chagas. He worked in Costa Rica before he was married. Is two a spree, or do I have to kill you too? Chagas wouldn't explain the niceness. I've heard of remote tribes that actually practice acts of kindness. Or the Chagas caused encephalitis. The MRI showed no sign Until we started him on steroids, compromised the immune system, and let the infection flare up. I did another one. It's not much. It's plenty. You figured this out because I don't have syphilis? Damn. That should have been my epiphany. Good news, bad news. Good news is we know what you have, it's treatable, you're gonna live. Really? What's the bad news? The cure is a grueling course of pills. It's like one a day for a month. Now you're just trying to make me laugh. Yeah, like that's a challenge. You have Chagas disease. It's a parasite. It's been asymptomatic for ten years. Not quite. Your brain's been swollen. Not enough to see, but enough to alter your personality. We're back to that. He screamed at you. You don't think he could change? That was because of the drugs. So you think drugs are more powerful than parasites? I mean, the ones we're gonna give you to treat the parasites obviously are I stand by the principle. I'm not worried. Neither am i. Neither am i. But that's because I don't care. Reviews? It was brought to my attention that on occasion, I am not respectful of hospital hierarchy. The word was "contemptuous. " Well-phrased, thoughtful. Identically phrased. - These are all the same. - Because, underneath it all, we are all the same. And Foreman refused to type his up. Well, it's more than I expected. There's an extra one in there. "Your treatment of patients is non-existent because you're not a doctor, you're an administrator. " Foreman convinced me that these could be helpful. "Your management of employees is well, let's face it, they're outside carrying signs. " The strike ended. The nurses have been back for two shifts already. You'd think I'd have noticed. What exactly did they do around here? "You act like employees should fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us but your eyes tell us nothing 'cause we're looking at your ***, which tell us that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. " "What you want, you run away from" "What you need, you don't have a clue. " "What you've accomplished, makes you proud. But you're still miserable. " Please sign. I got a call from Amber today. Says there's been a violation of your contract. You've been seeing Wilson on her time. She breached confidentiality. You can let it slide, officer. We're even. Yes, you are. You're both losing fingers. Look what I found. Nice. They think you might be able to come home tomorrow. Oh, yeah? That's good. What's the matter? The ketchup. There's something wrong with that. Tastes fine. - Anything else? - Everything else is great. I'm just I don't know. I guess I don't like ketchup anymore. Wonder what else I don't like. Roll over. We need a tougher punishment. Come over to the poopy side. Where are you two going friday night? Dinner at L'Auberge. You're lying. Of course I am.