Night Court S2E17 - English Transcript

SELMA: Hi. BILLIE: Hey. - Hey. - Hi, Selma. Anybody got change for a 20? - Yeah, I've got two fives and a 10. - All right. - There you go. - Great, thanks. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Wasn't I supposed to get something in return? My undying gratitude. Uh-uh. Listen, I will pay you back as soon as my ship comes in. The ship that's been in dry dock since your IRS audit? I have got to get back in the black, Mac. Don't you people understand what's happening to me? Every time I pass my bank now... ...I can hear the Instateller machine calling my name and laughing. - So you need money for psychiatric help? MAC: Heh-heh. Harry, listen to this. I have a chance to get in on the ground floor of a condo conversion. If I play my cards right, my 2000 could turn into $20,000 by Christmas. I'm only $400 short of my goal. I'll take anything, a buck, spare change. - Loose fillings? - That's the spirit. Okay, fine. - What rhymes with perpendicular? - Why? No, that's not it. - No, Bull, I mean, why do you need one? - I'm writing a poem. - You? - Sure, been doing it for years. Well, let's hear one. - No. MAC: Oh, come on, Bull. - Come on. - Come on. Okay. Page 29. [CLEARS THRO AT] "'Forever Damp' by Bull Shannon." Lethargically, he trudges down [BULL MOUTHING WORDS] To the shore of the big wet sea [MAC STIFLING LAUGHTER] Sensing their fate of impen... - ding mud His feet seem to cry, "Why me?" - Where you going? - Doughnut. The slime rises to his ankle bones His mind flies far away [MUFFLED CHUCKLING] To the time he missed the boat of life Hey, nonny, nonny neigh. [SPITS, LAUGHING] It was about me. - That poor guy. - Yeah. I better go find him. - It was the talking feet that did it. - Yeah. Think we've got trouble. Look what I found in the trash. Bull's notebook. Oh. So the world will never hear "At the Bailiff's Jamboree." - Let me see that. - Mac, how could you be so insensitive? - Why did you laugh? - To prevent internal injuries. - Bail reports. - Thanks, Bull. Right on time. And in perfect order. Billie, look how neat that is. Yeah, I didn't drool on it or anything. Look, Bull, I'm sorry about what happened in the cafeteria. It doesn't bother me that you laughed at my rhyme scheme. You laughed at me. Oh, come on, Bull, that isn't you. You never missed the boat of life. Besides, there is no boat of life. It's called a metaphor, Harry. A literary device used to illustrate... ...dissatisfaction with my current status in the cosmos. - Come again? - My life is poo-poo. Bull, we all feel like that from time to time, right? I mean, everyone wants more out of life. It seems to me like you've got it already. You're a judge. You stand for justice. You're a public defender. You stand for the underprivileged. I'm a bailiff. I stand. Kind of like cattle. Are you feeling any better? Moo. - What have we got here? - People v. Doris McKenzie, Your Honor. The Santini brothers are gonna take care of you. They're gonna break every bone in your body. Please, lady, would you quit hassling me? You're gonna get plenty when the Santinis get revenge. All right, settle down. Is it warm in here or is it just me? You're not alone. Don't usually see something like that without a yoke attached to it, do you? [CHUCKLES] I kid, ask anybody. What's the story, Mr. Prosecutor? The defendant, Mrs. Doris McKenzie, was arrested at Madison Square Garden... ...when she stormed the ring and assaulted... The Klondike Butcher. Klondike here was engaged in a professional wrestling match... ...when Mrs. McKenzie hit him over the head with a chair. - She almost killed him with that thing. - It hurt like the dickens. Jack Delman, Your Honor. Promoter. And I think this crazy broad should be put away. Look at how she scratched up his face. - It hurt, Jack. - I know, baby, I know. Why don't you try to do to me what you did to Little Caesar at the Spectrum? - You cheap-shot artist. - That's enough, Mrs. McKenzie. No, it isn't. This is for Caesar, beef lips. All right, lady, that's enough. Leave the poor guy alone. You're squishing my kidney. Oh, I'm sorry. [SIGHS] - Now you behave yourself. - Muck face. Cut the muck slinging, Mrs. McKenzie. That will be 10-day suspended sentence and a $50 fine. Selma. Come on, honey. Hey, haven't I seen you at the Garden? Yeah, I beat Tunney in 12. Come on. - Anything else, Mac? - That's it for tonight, sir. Then that's a wrap. See you tomorrow, people. Go freshen up and I'll meet you downstairs, okay? - Okay. - Attaboy. [CLEARS THRO AT] Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute? About what? You know, nobody but nobody has ever had the Butcher off his feet before. - Hey, if I hurt him, I'm sorry. - Hurt him? [LAUGHS] Ahem. Listen... ...have you ever thought of wrestling professionally? No. Ho. No? You're perfect. You're big, you're tall, you're ugly. Good Lord, man, use the gifts that God gave you. I'll think about it. Think about it hard and call me. Stars make $ 10,000 a night. And you... ...are a star. [SNAPS FINGERS] - What did he want? - He thinks I'd make a great wrestler. - Oh... - Ha-ha-ha. You, a wrestler? That's the craziest thing I have ever heard. Ha-ha-ha. I'm starting to like the idea. That's what I meant, it's crazy but I like it. Bull, I know you're a little upset about this poem thing, but... He said I could make $ 10,000 a night. Ten thousand dollars? Ten thousand American dollars? Well, Bull, you're not serious about this? You know, you people always assume you know what's best for me. Well, I'll tell you something, you don't. Maybe it's time to shake up my life. Bull, you don't just become a wrestler overnight. It takes a lot of time and training. If you decide to take up wrestling, you're gonna have to quit your job here. Now, I want you to take some time and really think about this. Okay. I quit. Oh. He's not serious. Well, I mean, he'll cool down and then he'll change his mind. I hope he's wearing boxer shorts. [WOMAN SCREAMS] Briefs. This is ridiculous. Bail reports don't just vanish into thin air. Bull has been gone a week and this place has already turned upside down. Yeah, and it doesn't just stop with the paperwork. It's open season on us in the courtroom. Well, word's out on the street Bull's gone. Somebody's gotta keep order around here. Well, that's Dirk's job. Hi, everybody. ALL [IN RESIGNED VOICE]: Hi, Dirk. - Bail reports. - We thought they were lost. Sorry, there was a holdup at the Xerox machine. - Something get jammed? - No, a real holdup. - And you got involved? - You bet. Gave him my wallet. Oh, there you are. - Parole forms. DIRK: Thank you, Selma. I'll be in the court. Fill the room with your presence. Bye. ALL: Bye, Dirk. - Boo. DIRK: Aah! [LAUGHS] What a mealy worm, huh? [DAN CHUCKLING] - You sure seem chipper. - Why shouldn't I be? Just this afternoon, I found a benevolent and wise man... ...who had the vision to loan me the final $200. - What did you hock? - My mother's wedding ring. - Dan! DAN: Ha-ha-ha. I'm just kidding. It was just her engagement ring. So why all the long faces? - We miss Bull. HARRY: Yeah. Nobody to carry the heavy files. Or walk us to our car at night. Hey, wait a minute. Listen to the way we're talking. All we care about is how this affects us. We're supposed to be his friends. Let's back him up. I mean, maybe he's made the right decision. That's a lot of buffalo chips. No, Selma, I think Harry's right. We've gotta support Bull. We can't let him know how we feel. I will not participate in this charade. The man is making a fool of himself. Somebody should tell him. All you have to do is have the guts to stand up to him and say, "Bull..." I'm behind you all the way, you big Greco-Roman nut, you. Heh-heh. Thanks. I knew you'd come crawling back here where you belong. - I just came back to clean out my locker. - You should clean out your head. - You know... - Hey, Bull, good to see you. You too, sir. So, Bull, I guess you've been at the gym pumping things, huh? Yeah, they keep us pretty busy. I just came back from body-slam class. Do they grade that pass-fail or is it on a curve? There's a few things I would like to know... - Yeah, like, when's your first match? - Next week. - I've got passes if you're interested. - Interested, are you kidding? - He wants to know if we're interested. - Wouldn't miss it. - Oh, boy. MAC: Ha-ha. Selma? I'd rather eat linoleum. What's with her? - Well, she got some bad news. - What? Uh... The Dodgers left Brooklyn. Say, that is bad news. Yeah, yeah. Well, I gotta get back to work. You go get them, tiger. [CHUCKLES] [SNORTING] Bull, Bull, Bull. Aah. [CHUCKLES] - Break a leg, big guy. - We're supposed to. [CHUCKLES] So, uh... ...guess you're having the time of your life, huh? Yeah, going to Akron next month. Wow. Be sure to hit that tire-tread museum. [LAUGHING] You don't think I'm doing the wrong thing, do you, Harry? Listen, as long as you're happy, Bull, that's all that matters. It's your big shot. You gotta take it. Don't look back, we're behind you. Do your own thing and... And... And stuff like that. Well, I guess, we'll see you next week, huh? I know you won't let us down, big fella. DIRK: All rise, rise. Criminal court, part two, city of New York is now in session. [MOUTHING] Now in session. - Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding. - Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding. [CROWD BOOING] [MAN GRUNTING] Mandinka. I am Mandinka. I am king. [MANDINKA GROWLS] Do you realize that you came this close to hitting me out there? Gosh, Ed, I'm sorry. - I'm really miffed, Alan. - My mind wasn't on it. I was thinking about that Donahue Show I gotta do tomorrow. He's ruthless. Ed, Ed... BILLIE: No, I don't want... No... - Just look at him. When they dragged him out, his face looked like a pizza. Come on, come on, he's right over here. Look at him, he's fine. Hi, ***. - Hey, you're not allowed in here. - We've got passes. - We're looking for Bull Shannon. - Who? He's a big guy. Kind of weird-looking. All right, let's have your attention. Gents and ladies, meet the next wrestling champion of the world. [WHINING] Hey, you promised me I'd be champ next. Don't get ***, Ed. [NORMAL VOICE] I'm sorry. I've been on the edge lately. This new fabric softener isn't working out at all. All right, here he is. Bull, the Battling Bailiff. Ta-da. Well? What do you think? Spiffy, real spiffy. It's the first time I ever bought off the rack. Bull, it's almost time. Boy, is this great or is this great, huh, Bull? Center ring, 20,000 screaming fans. This has to be the greatest night of your life. Where's Selma? Oh, traffic out there is so bad and... She's not coming, is she? No, Bull, she isn't. Bruiser, you're on. - How do you feel? - Like I'm gonna throw up. [GAGS] All the great ones do. Bull... ...I believe it was the Apostle Paul who said that: "Faith is the substance of things hoped for... ...the evidence of things not seen." Now, go out there and rip his lips off. MAC: Go get them, Bull. - You can do it. Whoo. Did you see that arena out there? Twenty thousand drooling maniacs at 12 bucks a head. - We're going to be rolling in it. - We? Yeah, I dumped that whole condo scam, I put all of my money into Bull. I'm his syndicate, 25 percent off the top. - Does he know that? - No, Delman and I made a deal. Look, what the hairless wonder doesn't know can't hurt me. - You wanna look at the carnage? - Yeah. - No, I am not going out there again. - You can watch it right here on TV. What? Great, great. Keep an eye on my investment without having to sit with the riffraff. Ha, ha. [CROWD CHEERING O VER TV] Been playing with the knobs, haven't you? Look. Look, there he is. Wow, they love him. Crowd's going crazy. ANNOUNCER [O VER TV]: Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Introducing on my left, weighing in at 245 pounds... ... from Vatican City, the Choirboy. [CROWD BOOING] [HISSING] Excuse me, they're booing a choirboy? They hate his guts. He stabs guys with his candles. And his opponent in the opposite corner... ... tonight, making his professional debut... ... weighing in at an even 250 pounds, the Battling Bailiff. [CROWD CHEERING] Boy, what a moment this is for Bull, huh? They love him. I'm getting chills. - I'm getting nauseous. - I'm getting rich. Come on, I told you it's all an act. There's nothing to it. It's all fake. See? This isn't real wood, it's fake. [BELL RINGS O VER TV] There's the bell and we're under way. Come on, Bull. Come on. - Pulverize him. - Use your footwork. He's not moving. [CROWD YELLING, BOOING O VER TV] Come on, Bull. Do something. The Battling Bailiff has yet to come out of his corner. - You're very calm about all this. - It's all part of the act. No, this isn't in the script. Wait, wait, he's moving. I told you, it's a sure thing. The only way I can lose is if he left the ring. He's leaving the ring. Bull, what are you doing? I could have burned the money. It would have been quicker. It's that kind of performance that gives this game a bad name. [SIGHS] It wasn't fulfilling. It wasn't fulfilling? Ha-ha-ha. It wasn't fulfilling. It wasn't anything! We don't want any violence in here, do we? Go ahead, kill me. I don't care. Come, take me, Mr. Death. I felt like an *** out there. But, Bull, you were so excited about wrestling. You were the one who was excited. I came back to the courthouse hoping you'd ask me back. Instead you gave me a pat on the back and sent me on my way. - I thought it was what you wanted. - Heck, Harry. I made a stupid rash decision and you backed me up into a corner... ...in front of 20,000 people... ...dressed like this. What you're saying is that we... - That I made you feel... - lf I didn't wrestle, I'd be letting you down. I'm sorry, Bull. - Nobody tried to stop me. SELMA: I tried. But I was outmuscled. - Selma, you came. - Oh, I wouldn't miss it. Violence, stale beers, sweat. Reminds me of my prom. - I looked pretty stupid out there, didn't I? - Yes. But it took a lot of guts. You know, while I was out in the ring, I started thinking about things. The old courthouse, the food in the cafeteria. The Ping-Pong tournaments in the guards' lounge. The way the air conditioning hits me in the summer if I stand in the right place. And I thought, "Hey, I really miss those things." - What about us? - Yeah. I miss you guys most of all. There's no place like home. And starring Dan Fielding as the scarecrow. Promise if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack. I promise. Come on, let's all go out and get some dinner. BULL: Heh-heh. - Bull, aren't you gonna change? - We're not going anyplace fancy, are we? - No. [READING SILENTLY] - Thank you. - My pleasure. [ENGLISH SDH]