Mad About You S4E11 - English Transcript

YOU READY? YES. YOU SURE? ABSOLUTELY. HUH. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE SATISFYING. [JAMIE] YES! [PAUL] YES! YES! YES! NO. YES. NO. NO? NO. WHAT HAPPENED? MY BACK. REALLY? REALLY? YES, REALLY. YOU'RE ADULTS. WHY WERE YOU DOING IT ON THE FLOOR? NONE OF MY BUSINESS. YOU HAVE TO BE IMPRESSED WITH ME. THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. IT'S LIKE A SPASM. MY LOWER BACK JUST LOCKS. WHAT HAPPENS IF WE LIFT YOU UP? OW! OW! OW! STRETCH OUT. I'M TELLING YOU, I CAN'T MOVE. SHE HAS TO LAY THERE. IT'S THE ONLY POSITION I CAN LIVE IN. YOU POOR THING. IT'S QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. I'M NOT A KID. [TELEPHONE RINGS] I'M JUST SAYING TO HAVE THAT KIND OF STAMINA, THE STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS. WOULD YOU JUST ANSWER THE PHONE? YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A MAN OF TREMENDOUS PROWESS. THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY. HELLO. POP, I WAS JUST GOING TO CALL YOU. ONCE FRAN AND I JUST FELL OFF THIS PORCH, AND WE WEREN'T EVEN HAVING SEX. COULD YOU WRITE THE PRESCRIPTION? GETTING OUT MY PEN. YOU'RE GOING, AND THAT'S IT. I'LL MEET YOU THERE IN HALF AN HOUR. TO GET MY FATHER TO GO TO THE EYE DOCTOR IS LIKE PULLING TEETH. WHAT'S IT LIKE TO GET HIM TO GO TO THE DENTIST? LIKE POKING HIM IN THE EYE, IRONICALLY. ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING? IF YOU CAN'T, TELL ME. I'M GOING TO DROP MY FATHER AT THE EYE DOCTOR, PICK UP YOUR TRANSLATOR AT NYU. WHERE AT NYU? FRONT OF THE TISCH BUILDING. OY. THE TISCH COMPLEX. THE TISCH BUILDING ISN'T THE SAME AS TISCH COMPLEX? NO, THERE'S A TISCH BUILDING, TISCH COMPLEX, AND TISCH ANNEX. WHEW. THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH TISCH. PICK HIM UP AT THE TISCH COMPLEX AND-- THEN I'LL TAKE HIM TO CITY HALL. CONFERENCE ROOM CONFERENCE ROOM "B. " "C"? "B"? "C"? "C. " THAT'S WHAT I SAID. THE TISCH FAMILY ALSO BUILT A YOGA CENTER. MARK. I'M WRITING, I'M WRITING. I'M FINISHED. HERE YOU GO. MAKE SURE SHE TAKES THIS WITH FOOD. YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GET THIS FIRST? NO. TRANSLATOR TO CITY HALL, THEN PRESCRIPTION. WAIT. THERE'S A FOLDER ON MY DESK WITH HIS ITINERARY. YES, SIR. WHO NEEDS A TRANSLATOR? HE'S A DISSIDENT POET FROM CHINA. WHO, NG LIEU CHO? YES. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? THERE ARE THINGS I KNOW. O. K. , THERE'S NO FOLDER. A RED FOLDER IN MY PURSE. YOU DIDN'T SAY PURSE. I'VE BEEN READING HIM FOR YEARS. HE'S NEVER BEEN HERE. HE DOESN'T SPEAK WELL, SURE. HE'S FROM THE LING FONG PROVINCE. THERE'S ONLY 7,000 PEOPLE WHO SPEAK HIS DIALECT. OW! OW! OW! OW! HE'S THE ONLY MAN TO EVER RHYME ANYTHING WITH THE WORD HARRNG. YOU BUY A GREETING CARD FROM HIS TOWN, GUARANTEED, HE WROTE IT. THERE IS NO FOLDER. THERE'S A DATEBOOK, A NEWSWEEK, AND A VERY SAD TANGERINE. IN MY PURSE. YEAH. IT'S IN THERE. OW! OW! THIS RED FOLDER HERE? YES. LET ME SEE IT. [MARK] YOU EVER READ HIM? NG LIEU CHO? I ALMOST DID. WELL, HE'S WONDERFUL. YOU REALLY SHOULD. INDOMITABLE SPIRIT. [RECITING IN CHINESE] "CLAMPS ON MY NIPPLES WILL NEVER CHANGE THE TRUTH. " ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? WHAT? NIPPLES WAS WHAT, NUNG NAI? NO, OOK NOK. OOK NOK. I WAS GONNA SAY. MURRAY! MURRAY! WHAT'S WITH HIM? HE THINKS THERE'S A MOUSE AGAIN. [THUD] I THOUGHT HE WAS DONE WITH THAT. HE'S NOT. YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? HE HAS TO BE THERE BY YOU'RE MY PRINCE. I LOVE YOU. WHY WOULDN'T YOU? OW! THAT HURT? YES. OH, BOY. I'M REALLY SORRY. YOU'RE NOT SORRY. YOU'RE HAPPY. I'M NOT. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. LOOK--PERFECTLY GOOD WIFE, I SNAPPED HER LIKE A TWIG. KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF. I--MURRAY! [THUD] THERE'S NO MOUSE. GET A PIG. MUCH SMARTER THAN A DOG. YEAH. MARK, THANK YOU. OH, PLEASE. IT'S WHAT I DO. ARE YOU GOING UPTOWN? YEAH. I'LL GET A CAB. ARE YOU GOING TO BE O. K. ? SHOULD I CARRY YOU SOMEPLACE? NO. BY THE TIME YOU GET HOME, I'LL PROBABLY BE UP AND AROUND. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO GET YOU A SURPRISE TREAT. NO, DON'T. GET THE TRANSLATOR TO CITY HALL AND GET THE PILLS. I'LL GET YOU A SURPRISE TREAT. DON'T GET ME ANYTHING. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO, CONSIDERING WHAT I DONE TO YOU. WANT TO SIGN FOR A PACKAGE? UHSURE. IS SHE ALL RIGHT? WHAT? OH, YEAH. SHE JUST HURT HER BACK. WHAT HAPPENED? IT'S THE DARNEDEST THING, ACTUALLY. PAUL. I KID WITH YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING? [THUD] YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE ON THE FLOOR? SHH, SHH, SHH. NOT ALL THE TIME. IT'S JUST THE WAY IT HAPPENED. SIGN IN. I DON'T NEED GLASSES. MY EYES ARE FINE. I KNOW THAT. IT'S JUST THE DMV, THE DMV-- THEY'RE BEING STICKLERS. THEY'RE ALL ON THE TAKE. WHATEVER. EXCUSE ME. BUCHMAN. WE'RE HERE FOR THE 10:30. THE DOCTOR'S RUNNING BEHIND. THAT'S NOT GOOD. MY SON HAS A LOT TO DO. GOOD FOR HIM. I GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL. HERE, TAKE A SEAT, FILL OUT THESE FORMS. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. COME ON, LET'S DO THIS. I'LL ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS, AND DON'T BE LYING TO ME. HERE WE ARE. ALL RIGHT, "HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANY OF THE FOLLOWING-- ASTHMA"? YES. "ARRHYTHMIA"? YES. "BOTULISM"? YES. YOU HAD BOTULISM? YES. YOU'RE DOWN HERE ALL DAY. WHAT DO YOU DO? OOH. HEY. STAMPS. "TINNITUS"? IS THAT RINGING IN THE EARS? YES. YES. "WHOOPING COUGH"? YES. UNBELIEVABLE. YOU HAVE HAD EVERYTHING. SEE HOW YOU DO AT MY AGE. I'M GOING TO GET THEM ALL. HOW WAS NEURALGIA, PLEASANT? NOT BAD. THE PEPPERONI'S IN THE CRUST. SUCCULENT SHRIMP NOW ONLY $1. 49. GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH. DOGS CAN DO IT. I SAW IT ON 60 MINUTES. [TELEPHONE RINGS] HI. WE'RE OUT. LEAVE A MESSAGE. WE'LL CALL BACK. HI, JAMIE. IT'S PAMELA, IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE. JUST CONFIRMING YOU'RE PICKING UP PROFESSOR GITTELSON AT THE TISCH COMPLEX. HE'S A SLIGHT GENTLEMAN WITH WIRE-RIM GLASSES. HE SHOULD BE WAITING DIRECTLY OUT FRONT. HEY. CHEESECAKE. ARE WE ALMOST DONE? UHLAST ONE. HAVE YOU EVER HAD ZINC DEFICIENCY? YES. KNOW WHAT? WHAT? YOU MAY BE DEAD. A LITTLE CHALKY, ISN'T IT? [KNOCK ON DOOR] WHO IS IT? WHAT? WHO IS IT? I'M SORRY? CAN I HELP YOU? YOU SIGNED FOR A PARCEL. A PARCEL? A PARCEL, YES. A CHEESECAKE FROM ENGLAND. WE HAVE NO PARCEL. MUST I TALK WITH THE DOOR? YES. THERE'S MEASLES. I SHALL HAVE MY PARCEL. NO, YOU SHAN'T, YOU BRITISH FREAK. MR. SWEEDLER? OH, EXCUSE ME, WE WERE DEFINITELY HERE AHEAD OF MR. SWEEDLER. IS THAT MR. SWEEDLER? YES. O. K. , BUT STILL. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN. THEY'RE KILLING ME WITH TIME. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE? IT'S BETTER LIKE THIS OR BETTER LIKE THAT. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. SIT DOWN. YOU'RE STAYING. I PROMISED MOM. I'M JUST THINKING OF YOUR APPOINTMENTS. I GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL. I'LL MAKE A PHONE CALL. CAN I USE YOUR PHONE? [RING] BUCHMAN'S SPORTING GOODS. HEY, SPLINKY, IT'S ME. HEY, PAULIE. WHAT'S THAT BAKERY YOU TOOK ME TO ONCE? WHAT BAKERY? WHERE THEY HAD THOSE-- THE BAKERY THAT HAD THOSE CHOCOLATE-DIPPED STRAWBERRIES. REMEMBER THOSE STRAWBERRIES? YEAH. THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING. UNBELIEVABLE STRAWBERRIES. I WANT TO GET SOME FOR JAMIE. WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING PARTICULARLY WELL. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? TELL YOU LATER. TELL ME NOW. I'LL TELL YOU LATER. ALL RIGHT, YOU BIG BABY. SO, UH, THIS BAKERY, WHAT'S THE NAME OF IT? I DON'T KNOW THE NAME. I JUST KNOW WHERE IT IS. WHERE IS IT? IT'S IN LITTLE ITALY. WHERE? ON THAT STREET. WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT LITTLE STREET? CARMINE? NO. THOMPSON? NO. MULBERRY? NO. HANG ON. UH, DR. MANDEL'S OFFICE. UH TUESDAY, 1:40. THAT'S GOOD. NO, I'M WRITING IT DOWN. O. K. AND, UH, DON'T RUB IT. YOU WON'T TELL ME THE NAME OF THE STREET? IT'S NOT EVEN A STREET. IT'S A LITTLE ALLEY THAT WINDS AROUND. MAYBE I'LL JUST SHOW YOU. BURT BUCHMAN! HEY! THAT'S ME! I GOT TO GO. MEET ME AT NYU. I GOT TO MEET THIS GUY AT THE TISCH COMPLEX. LINE THREE'S GOT A LITTLE PINKEYE. POP, LISTEN. YOU'RE GOING? I'LL SWING BACK AND PICK YOU UP. YOU'LL DO YOUR THINGS AND PICK ME UP. EXACTLY. WISH ME LUCK. GOOD LUCK. REMEMBER, THE FIRST LETTER, IT'S ALWAYS "E. " "E. " "E. " YOU PROFESSOR GITTLESON? ARE YOU PROFESSOR GITTLESON? SORRY. YOU'RE NOT PROFESSOR GITTLESON, BY ANY CHANCE, ARE YOU? HEY! HEY, HERE YOU ARE. COME ON, SHOW ME STRAWBERRIES. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MEETING THIS GUY. HE'S LATE. ACTUALLY, I'M EARLY. I JUST SPRINTED NOT EVEN OUT OF BREATH. YOU'RE QUITE A MAN, PAULIE. TALK TO MY WIFE ABOUT THAT. WHAT'S THAT MEAN? WE'LL GET SOME STRAWBERRIES, THEN, BOOM, WE'LL COME BACK, DELIVER TRANSLATOR BOY, PICK UP MY POP, THEN TAKE CARE OF MY LITTLE WIFE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER? NOTHING. WHAT? SHE HURT HER BACK. DOING WHAT? THE DARNEDEST THING. [TELEVISION] GOT MILK? OH, MILK. WATER FROM THE FINEST COOL MOUNTAIN SPRINGS. ICE-COLD BEER. IF YOU WERE LASSIE, YOU'D GET ME A BEER. [TELEPHONE RINGS] HI. WE'RE OUT. LEAVE A MESSAGE. WE'LL CALL BACK. [BEEP] [LISA] JAMIE, WHERE ARE YOU? PICK UP. PICK UP! I SAID PICK UP! FINE. I JUST GOT OUT OF THERAPY, AND I'M REALLY ANGRY AT YOU. YEAH, I NEED THIS. * I'M SO THIRSTY * * AND I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN * * I'M SO THIRSTY ** AHH. OH, COME ON. HEY. THERE HE IS. YOU ALL READY TO GO THERE? COME ON, JAN MURRAY. COME ON, MURRAY SLAUGHTER. [FRONT DOOR CLOSES] HELLO! NAT! YOUNG MAN. HOW ARE YOU DOING? FINE. THERE'S A PACKAGE IN THERE FOR ME. IT'S A CHEESECAKE FROM ENGLAND. WOULD YOU GET IT FOR ME? OH, BOY. I'M REAL SORRY, BUT I CONSIDER THAT TO BE JUST OUTSIDE THE PARAMETERS OF WHAT I UNDERSTAND TO BE MY DUTIES, AS I UNDERSTAND THEM AT THE PRESENT TIME. BUT YOU HAVE THE KEY. I CONSIDER IT TO BE A SACRED TRUST. THE BUCHMANS WERE KIND ENOUGH TO BESTOW THIS UPON ME, AND TO VIOLATE THAT JUST TO RETRIEVE A DESSERT ITEM, HMM BOY, I DON'T KNOW. YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE? YES, MA'AM. MY FIRST, AND GOD WILLING, MY LAST. FINE. COME ON, MURRAY ANTOINETTE. COME ON, MURRAY OSMOND. NOW I NEED TO BE WALKED. TAXI? I JUST CAN'T. [SQUEAKING] THE MOUSE! THERE REALLY IS A MOUSE. OOH. THERE REALLY IS A MOUSE. [SHOUTING IN ITALIAN] EXCUSE ME, SIR. AH, BUON GIORNO. CAN I HELP YOU? WELL, I HOPE SO. DO YOU HAVE CHOCOLATE-DIPPED STRAWBERRIES? CHOCOLATE-DIPPED STRAWBERRIES. YEAH, I HAVE TO MAKE AMENDS WITH MY WIFE. BRILLIANT CHOICE! I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY LATER. I DO THEM IN FIVE MINUTES. MY SPECIALTY. OH, REALLY? FIVE MINUTES? FIVE MINUTES. A LITTLE STRAWBERRY, A LITTLE CHOCOLATE. FIVE MINUTES. ALL RIGHT. FIVE MINUTES. ALL RIGHT. HA HA HA. HA HA HA. [SHOUTING IN ITALIAN] SWEAR TO GOD, I'D MARRY HER RIGHT NOW JUST BASED ON THAT CONVERSATION. SO, UH, ANYWAY, I WAS TELLING MY WIFE-- YOU KNOW THE SECRET? DIP THE BERRY 2/3. NO MORE, NO LESS. THERE'S ONE HERE THAT LOOKS LIKE 3/4. YOU'RE RIGHT. [SHOUTING IN ITALIAN] THERE'S 12 ON THE WALL ALREADY. SCRAPE THOSE OFF, PUT THEM IN A BOX. FIVE MINUTES. IT'S BEEN 25 MINUTES ALREADY. WHAT'S FIVE MINUTES MEAN TO YOU? HALF AN HOUR. HOW DO YOU SAY "POSTAGE STAMP"? FRANCOBOLLO. FRANCOBOLLO. BOLL-O. BOLL-O. FRANCOBOLLO. IS THAT NOT BEAUTIFUL? MAKES YOU WANT TO SEND MAIL ALL OVER THE PLACE. ALMOST DONE NOW? [CURSES IN ITALIAN] FIVE MINUTES. THE DOCTOR SAID THE DROPS WILL WEAR OFF IN A HALF HOUR. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT YOU THERE. MAYBE I DIDN'T SEE HIM. WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE, YOU LIVE BY YOUR WITS. YOU'RE REDUCED TO A STATE OF NATURE. HOW'D YOU GET HOME? I CALLED A CAB. HOW DO THE BLIND DO IT? THEY HAVE BETTER CHILDREN. ALL RIGHT, BILL MURRAY. ALL RIGHT, MURRAY-LU HENNER. NAT. MURRAY. COULD YOU COME IN HERE? I'M IN THE BEDROOM. MS. BUCHMAN? HEY, NAT. HI. HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CALISTHENICS, MORNING CALISTHENICS? UH, NO. ACTUALLY, I THREW MY BACK OUT. YOU ALL RIGHT? CAN I HELP YOU UP? NO, NO, NO. WHAT IF I VERY GINGERLY-- I'M IN A PRETTY GOOD POSITION HERE. WHAT I NEED IS, UM IS WHAT? WHAT DO YOU NEED, MA'AM? I'M SORT OF DESPERATE TO, UH I REALLY NEED TO OH, I SEE WHERE YOU'RE HEADED HERE. WELL, YOU KNOW, SO I ALLAY YOUR TREPIDATIONS HERE, I AM THREE CREDITS SHY OF BEING CERTIFIED AS A NURSE-- A MALE NURSE, I MIGHT ADD-- WHICH MEANS I'M QUALIFIED TO HELP YOU OUT WITH WHATEVER YOU MIGHT WISH TO DO IN HERE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF WHATEVER THEY COVER IN THOSE LAST THREE CREDITS, OF COURSE. ACTUALLY, I'M FINE. WELL, YOU MAKE THE CALL, MRS. BUCHMAN. [TOILET FLUSHES] [BODY THUDS] [JAMIE] OW! HELLO. LISA, IS THAT REALLY YOU? YAH. THANK GOD. WILL YOU HELP ME? I THREW MY BACK OUT. HAND ME MY BLANKET, WILL YOU? IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT? I'M IN PAIN. [MIMICKING JAMIE] I'M IN PAIN. OW! OW! YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT TODAY? MY THERAPIST TOLD ME YOU'RE THE REASON FOR ALL MY PAIN. SHE TELLS YOU THAT EVERY WEEK. YEAH, BUT THIS TIME, I REALLY GOT IT. GOOD. HAND ME A BLANKET AND PILLOW. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? I'M SORRY. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. MY THERAPIST SAID YOU'D SAY THAT. LISA, I'VE BEEN CRAWLING AROUND ON THIS FLOOR FOR FIVE HOURS. I NEED TO TAKE A NAP. WILL YOU PLEASE GET ME A WARM BLANKET AND PILLOW? LISA! PLEASE GET ME A WARM BLANKET WHO? REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS, I'D SIT ON YOU AND MAKE YOU CALL ME IT BEGINS WITH A "P. " PRIN PRINCESS LISA. PLEASE HELP ME, PRINCESS LISA. VERY GOOD. GO ON. PRINCESS LISA-- THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF ALL THE STEMPLE GIRLS IN THE WORLD. OR ANY OTHER WORLD. FINE. THAT WASN'T VERY HARD, WAS IT? [HUMMING] HERE YOU GO, LITTLE SWEET ANGEL. PROFESSOR GITTLESON! PROFESSOR GITTLESON! YOU PROFESSOR GITTLESON? IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. I THINK WE LOST THE PROFESSOR. HOW IS HE NOT HERE? WE'RE JUST-- SURE YOU GOT THE RIGHT PLACE? AT THE TISCH COMPLEX. NOT THE TISCH BUILDING? TISCH COMPLEX. I ASKED. THERE'S ALSO A TISCH ANNEX. SAY TISCH ONE MORE TIME WHAT DO WE DO NOW? I WOULDN'T MIND GOING BACK TO THE BAKERY. JAMIE'S GOING TO KILL ME. GIVE HER THE STRAWBERRIES. THE ONE THING SHE ASKED ME TO DO, I DIDN'T DO. THERE'S NOBODY ELSE WHO CAN DO THIS TRANSLATING? THERE'S NO ONE ON THIS CONTINENT WHO SPEAKS THIS LANGUAGE. [CHO SPEAKING CHINESE DIALECT] THE SKY AND ALL AROUND, THE SKY MOSTLY BLUE. AND--AND--AND MY CAR, MY AUTOMOBILE [SPEAKING CHINESE] MAUNGM. AND THE CAR OF MY MOM UH GOES FAST . MEE YAU. LIKE A CAT. HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER [CHO SPEAKING CHINESE] UH, ALL THE LEAVES, ALL THE LEAVES AREBROWN. AND THE SKY IS GRAY. OOK NOK. UH, AS ARE THE NIPPLES. HERE. HAVE A STRAWBERRY. [SPEAKING CHINESE] WE STARVE IN OUR HEARTS. ISN'T IT ALWAYS THE SAME, HUH? EVEN--EVEN A SISSY BOY EATING HIS MASHED POTATOES ALONE IN HIS ROOM SPITS ON STATUES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE. AND ON OTHERS, OTHERS AS WELL. THE GERMANS DID SO MUCH GOOD, TOO. YOUNG AND OLD. THAT YOU COULD JUST CRY.