The Guild - S5 Ep8: Social Traumas

-Tink's name is April Lou? That was super weird to hear. So what spurred me to be a rascally meddler and invite Tink's family, who I just discovered the existence of, to a buffet style intervention? This weekend has been crisis after crisis for me. The guild scattered, The Game threatened. My first impulse was to just abandon everything and run away. But I realized after talking to April Lou that my connection to my guildies is more than The Game. We are friends, and I wanted to reach out humanly to prove to myself that-- wait a second. This was all about me? So much for the profound feel good speech part. April Lou? It's stupid. [MUFFLED VOICES] -Zaboo. Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to see someone I know. This has been the worst day ever. -Oh, well, that's life. And that's the con, and con is life. Life is con, con life. -Everyone in the guild was having fun without me, and I was sad. But then I found those steampunkers and I was happy. -That's good. Good, good, good. -But I couldn't pass their test, and now they don't want me, and I'm sad again because I really want to be part of their whatever it is so bad. -I'll never give in! You tell your goons to back off, little man. -All we need is the whole front row to your panel, talks to hunky legends. Don't make me tell my guys to punch lower. -Oh, like that's gonna hurt. I'm half god from the waist down. -Hold up. What is, what's going on? -Oh, we're just kind having a friendly little negotiation with Kevin Sorbo for the Seat Savers. No problem. No big deal. He's just a brawny, elegant, buff ***. But he'll bleed, just like the rest of them. Won't you, hero? -No, no, no, no, not the fine chiseled jaw! -Un-chisel it. -When was the last time you slept? -Sleep? Who needs sleep? Like 50, 100 hours ago. Good stuff. -Call off your robots. Zaboo, now. Don't make me get out my mom voice. -But-- OK. Master Chiefs, pull the plug. -Pull the plug, he said! If I had my gauntlets on, and my 12 pound leather pants that I did all of my own stunts in, and Michael Hirst, who played my amazing sidekick Iolaus-- -Yeah, oh, he's the best. -You'd be toast. -Totally, totally wrecked my jersey. I got this at the Sundance Film Festival, and now you wrecked it. Wrecked it! -Keep walking, Hercules. Keep walking. -OK. You're coming with me, it's time for bed. Hey! Back! Back! -Let go! I've got to run a secret society. -Hi. You've been in town all weekend, and didn't call. -Oh, now don't nag her. Here, have some of my famous yakisoba. I didn't want her to miss out on her people's heritage, so I just put my own spin on one of their native dishes. It's a little ranch dressing and ham cubes. -Mm, ham. -Go on, you love it. -That looks delicious. So Tink, April Lou. Would you like to tell Edith and John-- -No. -Oh, dude. On the list, we made it. Oh my god, this place is so high class. You know, I bet they do not have any floor beds. -Bladezz, be cool, man. Be cool. Charity. -Madeleine. -Of course. -Well, fancy seeing you here. -I never expected those words to leave your mouth towards my face. -Well, they have. -I hear that. -OK. I think it's time to find my rightful place in the Hollywood elite. You know, get some famous celebrity time. Ciao. Hey, guys. Oh, whoa, hey man, how you doing? Nice movie face. All right, cool. Catch you later, man. Oh my god, no way. You? Touch down, right? High five. OK. -Clara, no. I need to be so many other places. -My Morse code might suck, but whiny babies I can handle. Arms up. -Clara, I've been a bad boy here. Did so many bad, bad things. -It wasn't your fault. It was the coffee and robots that made you do it. -No robots. Master Chiefs good, me evil. -Oh, there, there. Let me sing you a lullaby like I do my kids. (SINGING) My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. -Oh, my empire weighs so heavy on my soul. -Oh, we'll make it better in the morning. -Can you sing me another lullaby? -Sure. (SINGING) Oomp, there it is, oomp, there it is. Boom-shaka-laka- shaka-laka-shaka-boom. Gets them every time. Boop, boop. -It's good to see you. -Yo, dude. Look at this junk. I mean, we deserve caviar and crap, right? -No way. These crackers are my favorite. I buy them in bulk. -Naw, get out, dawg. I mean, famous people don't buy in bulk. -Yeah, we do. You want to see my discount card? -Hey, buddy. So uh, where are you and I heading off to after the convention? Bikini lady-ville? The club [INAUDIBLE] land? Maybe-- -Actually, I got a leak in my roof. So I gotta go to the Depot and get a tarp. And this is sort of-- -Hey, sorry. I can't hear you over all the lame. What do you guys got in there? Pure grain alcohol? How about you sign me up, and we'll get this party started? Aooga! -Actually, it's veggie juice. You know, celery, carrots, [INAUDIBLE] -How is that a party drink? -Party for our colons. -And then we're going on a charity retreats. It's um, it's a summit about homeless youth. -So that's another way to say going to rehab, right? -Um, no. -Hey. Come on, you two. Let's get this party started. -I got a touch of sciatica. -Recent breast reduction. -That's us at the doggy park. Look at that smile. I'm telling you. This is us in Maui. He loves surfing. Loves surfing. This is his new collar I just got him. -OK, so we're not hot tubbing with stanky chicks later? -Well I don't-- I mean, I usually turn in around 9:00. And hot tubs give me eczema. Skin condition. -You people are effing boring. -Hey. Sweet collar. -Hey thanks, yeah. I just picked it up. -Oh, do you do Pets Without Borders? -Seriously. -Buddy of mine in security got us some passes to this, whatever this is. Personally, I don't have any use for all this experimental comics and gaming. -Devil spawn. -But Lara and Tara, they wanted to see the parade of weirdos. Wow. What a lot of freaks. -OK, well, it's been great catching up. -So Lara and Tara. Did you go to high school with April Lou here? -Yeah. We were in glee club together. April, let's do that DeBarge harmony that we do so well. (SINGING) Mi. -Time to go, dead walking aka Codex. -No, I'd rather stay here and learn more about you. Friend. -Real smart mouth on her. Lot of sass. Always loved that about my little girl. -Once she slashed the principal's tires because he took jello salad off of the cafeteria menu. -And one she firebombed the janitor's closet because she caught her boyfriend making out with another girl in there. -I hate you so much. -And once-- -I'm not premed anymore. For five semesters I've been studying something else. I didn't tell you because I did it. Happy, Codex? -Uh-oh. -What are you studying now? -Fashion design. -That thing you're wearing. Did you design that? -Yes. -Sure is pretty. -It's beautiful. -Are you a turtle? My baby's an artist. -That's it? No rage, no screaming? You're not going to have me arrested? I've been staying up every night for months dreading this, and you're totally cool with it? -Totally cool. -I just have one requirement, honey. You've got to design Lara's wearing dress. -Ted proposed to me! -Ridiculous. How did I survive childhood? You people are unreal. -Oh, she used to always stomp off like that when she was a little girl. That's just more Salisbury sushi for us! -Well, I-I don't want to be a burden. -I insist. I can do a WordPress install, design a scalable local based on your [INAUDIBLE] profile. You'll have a custom vlog in a week. -Oh, I appreciate that so much. I really do feel like I have something to share. I'll get photos and bios to you by tomorrow. -Well, I think Vork already has most of that stuff, right? I mean, you were the head of her fan club in the 1890s. -1990s. And yes, your talent is immeasurable. -That is so lovely to hear. When I quit "Time Rings," I lost a lot of support. Those were hard times. -Your betrayal was monumental, but you can do nothing but move on. -Well, I don't think of it as a betrayal. It was merely a job I quit. "Time Rings" wasn't a job to the fans. It was a religion. When I watched you disembark the Brave Hunt time vessel, season two episode 16, knowing you would never again grace the vehicle or the Thursday 8:00 PM time slot, I sobbed for weeks like a baby. -OK, well, Vork, look at the pretty lady's nice hair. -Yes, her hair's extraordinary. The color of expresso and rich Belgian chocolate. In the middle of a season. To abandon your character Charity at the height of her conflicted feelings about the professor? -OK. I'm off this train wreck. -That story line was going nowhere. I mean, Charity was a, a prop for the writer to hang his sick fantasies. -Sick fantasies? Is that what you call "Imagine That?" That seminal episode of television, season one, episode 14 that dealt with the issue of mixed race couples long before its time. -If you call me mixed race an alien gang ***. -The Lovanza mated in groups. With probes! It was their way! -Pardon me. I have found a headache. -I am entitled to my opinion. And we haven't finished talking about your vlog yet. Oh, god! God. Jesus, gah, gah, gah. -So uh, why are you guys famous? Oh hey, Madeleine. -Hey. We've been downstairs for an hour. -Oh, sorry about that, guys. I'm just busy as a bee up here, hanging out with some people you might imagine. Hey, guys! Awesome. -Oh my god. You're partying with him? What a playboy, right? -As long as you catch him before 9:00 PM. -You said you'd hang with us tonight. Can we come in? -Oh, invite only, [INAUDIBLE]. Really sorry, but I've kind of got a better deal here, so I'm going to have to see you in line tomorrow. But you look great, I love seeing you guys. Good, happy-- Oh my god. No wonder celebrities have reality shows. Drama.