Tina in The Sky with Diamonds

So how does it work with gay marriage? Do you take his last name, or does he take yours? Or... or do you both hyphenate, 'cause... Right now, I'm honestly just excited that Kurt said yes. Hey, are you looking forward to prom? I fell asleep last night while Tina was texting me about her prom dress. It's really nice that you're going with her, by the way. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, I just... you know, it's my senior prom, so I kind of wish I was going with somebody I really care about. Damn, I have seriously been unlucky in love. Come on, guys, we're back with the Beatles! (students whooping) We're leaving the mop-tops behind and moving into their experimental years. Now, the Rubber Soul album marked a turning point for the group, where they literally and figuratively let their hair down. Now, the Beatles were the biggest musical act in the world. They could have remained in their comfort zones, but instead, they risked everything to explore new musical worlds. They had something important to say, and they weren't going to let something as silly as the fear of failure get in their way. SUE (over P.A.): Good afternoon, McKinley High. This year, the proms are being fused into one giant Brundleprom. I don't get that reference. That's from The Fly. SUE: And now for the moment that will crush 99% of your misguided views about your own popularity. Here are your nominees for Prom King and Queen. First, here are your nominees for Prom King: Blaine Anderson... (whooping) ...Mohamed Omar, Artie Abrams... Yeah! ..."Stoner" Brett Bukowski. Wait, I-I really didn't get nominated for king? And now onto the Queen. TINA: Please let it be me God, please let it be me Yahweh, please let it be me. Kitty Wilde... But I'm a sophomore. ...Aimee Ryan... (whooping) ...Jordan Stern. And, inexplicably, Tina Cohen-Chang. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Yeah! Tina. Wow! Even though I'm not nominated, it's such an honor to be going to prom with a potential queen. Oh... Sorry, Sam. It was so nice of you to offer to go with me, but I'm going to have to decline your invitation. But you already accepted. Yeah, Tina, this is very uncool. Losing is uncool. I need to maximize my odds of taking the crown, so I think I'm going to go with a group of single gals to corner the dejected wallflower vote. And I am going for it. This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus. So can I count on all your votes? (whispering): Awkward. You've got mine. Besides, I've got more shots at Prom Queen. It's Tina's time. I agree. Hit it! (playing The Beatles' "Revolution") ♪ You say you want a revolution ♪ ♪ Well, you know ♪ ♪ We all want to change the world... ♪ (school bell ringing) (music stops) Later. Seriously? Congratulations, Tina. Seriously? CUSTOMER: Uh, do you have... That's it. My dreams of playing *** Brice are over. I'm sure it isn't over. If I got it, I would've heard by now. Okay? And-and-and the thing is, is that I wasn't just auditioning for this for myself. I was auditioning for everyone at McKinley. Okay? I wanted to show that we're talented enough to make it in this insane business. Okay, well, one of us sort of already did. I booked a commercial. It's a little embarrassing, because it was for that yeast infection medication, Yeast-I-Stat. But they sent me a rough cut. Do you want to see? Yeah. Let's face it. There are good kinds of yeast, and bad kinds of yeast. But bad yeast goes scat with Yeast-I-Stat. Burns and itch are a thing of the past. And Yeast-I-Stat's Seven Easy-Step Application makes feeling fresh a breeze. I like my yeast in my bagel... but not in my muffin. ♪ Did you hear the news? ♪ ♪ Let's have a chat ♪ ♪ Bad yeast goes scat ♪ ♪ With Yeast-I-Stat. ♪ I'm free! Wow. That's... that's great. Honestly, if it were anyone else, I'd be so jealous, but I'm-I'm-I'm... really proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. (laughs) Oh, hi, Kitty. Could I talk to you for a second? I was so psyched that a fellow Cheerio! was nominated for Prom Queen. Thanks, Bree. And then I heard that you weren't going to campaign for it, and instead you were throwing your support to that Asian girl from Glee Club because you thought it was "her turn." Now, if that's true, you might want to tie yourself down, because this is gonna be a rough ride. I just wanted to remind you that a Cheerio! has not won Prom Queen for several years now. We've had Prom Queens from Glee Club, including the Jewish girl and a gay dude. And if we're not careful, I swear to God we're gonna have a black *** named Unique as Prom Queen before we have a Cheerio! as Prom Queen. Now, I know you're thinking to yourself: "But O.M.G., Bree, I love the Asian girl from Glee Club." Well, punch yourself in the face so I don't have to. I do not give a flying fart, and the Cheerios! do not give a flying fart, about how much you love your sisters from Glee Club. You have 51 weeks out of the year to love your sisters from Glee Club, and this week is not-- I repeat, not-- one of them. This week is about winning Prom Queen for the Cheerios!, and that's not gonna happen if you're off campaigning for Kimchi Cohen-Barf or whoever. Are you an idiot, Kitty? That's not a rhetorical question. I literally want you to tell me if you're mentally slow, so I can be sure you're not nominated for future prom courts. Sam. I didn't know you were gonna be in here. Oh. Hey, Mr. Shue. Yeah. You know, a lot of people say the Beatles were the, like, the best band ever, right? That's right. Well, what if I told you that the Beatles wrote exactly zero songs about what it feels like when you tell a girl that you don't think is hot you'll go to prom with her because you feel bad, and then you think you're gonna get nominated for Prom King and then you don't, and the not-hot girl says, "I don't want to go to prom with you anymore." Would you still say they were the greatest band ever? SUE: Hey there, Buttchin. Ah, Samgelina Jolie. Oh, I hate to interrupt the blatantly homoerotic overtones of whatever the two of you are on the verge of crying about, so I will be brief. Now, seeing as how your students in the glee club come and go for weeks at a time with no explanation whatsoever, I'm sure that it will not come to you as a surprise that we have an abysmal attendance record at this school due to illness. Therefore, I am instituting mandatory vaccinations at this school, starting with your pansexual *** of future patient zeroes, the glee club. When you say vaccinations, do you mean shots? That's right, Imbecile Homeless Teen Drifter. And we will begin with the polio vaccine. WILL: Sue, polio was all but eradicated in the 1950s. Or so they'd have us believe. I saw a documentary last night on FDR, and it made me very suspicious about that glee kid in the wheelchair. Artie? He was in a car accident when he was a kid. Fact: there is a meningitis outbreak in Los Angeles. Fact: Mercedes Jones recently returned from Los Angeles... Wait, I cannot get a vaccination. Sue, I'm all about keeping the kids in this school healthy, but this is ridiculous. Hey, I would watch your tone with me if I were you, Busted Timberfake. I'm not your coworker anymore. I'm your boss. And what I say goes. And if you and Nipples the Strippin' Clown don't get your shots by the end of the week, you're fired. (school bell ringing) (several pianos playing different music) What's going on in here? Carmen Tibideaux needed volunteers for the annual NYADA piano tuning. So, did you hear about Santana's good news? That she doesn't have a yeast infection? I'm really happy for her. Okay, what's wrong with you? Because the Rachel I know would be furious at Santana for breezing into town and beating us at booking the first gig. You have lost your mojo obsessing over this part. We can't let our feelings of self-worth be determined by some part in a play. That's easy for you to say; you just got engaged. True, but I'm not pinning all my future happiness on it. I'm telling you, you have got to get your mojo back. Right here, right now. This second. ♪ Jo Jo was a man who thought he was a loner ♪ ♪ But he knew it couldn't last ♪ ♪ Jo Jo left his home in Tucson, Arizona ♪ ♪ For some California grass ♪ ♪ Get back ♪ ♪ Get back... ♪ ♪ Get back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Get back ♪ ♪ Get back... ♪ ♪ Get back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Get back, Jo Jo ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ Ooh... ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Go home! ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Sweet Loretta Martin ♪ ♪ Thought she was a woman ♪ ♪ But she was another man ♪ ♪ All the girls around her say she's got it coming ♪ ♪ But she gets it while she can ♪ ♪ Oh, get back ♪ ♪ Get back ♪ ♪ Get back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Get back ♪ ♪ Get back... ♪ ♪ Get back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Get back, brother! ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ Back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Oh... ♪ ♪ I'll get back ♪ ♪ Yeah, get back ♪ ♪ Get back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Yeah, get back ♪ ♪ Get back ♪ ♪ Get back to where you once belonged ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh... ♪ (cheering) (muttering) No, no... (crashing) Hey. Oh! Are you here for your polio/meningitis cocktail? I wasn't sure if I should call it polingitus or meningiolio. I like the second one; it sounds like Italian food. (imitating Marlon Brando): I'm going to give him a shot he can't refuse. (laughs) Anyways, yes, I am here for my shot. To be honest, I'm kind of freaked out by needles, and even if I wasn't, I'd kind of be freaked out by you with a needle. I saw you kill that sausage. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that, I know. I had kind of a... an extended panic attack during the two weeks we studied injections last semester. Wait, are you not a real nurse? I'm a sophomore in college. This is kind of an internship to help me get into nursing school. Okay. Ready for our shot? Is that the same needle you put in that sausage? Good eye. You know what? I'm-I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna come back later, okay? It was cool meeting you. (chuckles) Penny Owen. Sam Evans. (school bell ringing) Here are the latest prom poll numbers. And your 3:00 coffee. I said no caffeine until prom. I can't afford to look tired like some sad, anemic dishrag. Oh, my God! What is with these numbers? There's been a sudden spike in Kitty's popularity. TINA: Kitty? This is unbelievable! Unbelievable. Tina, I didn't put these up. That's not even me. That's my head Photoshopped onto Olivia Munn. Oh, please. I should've known that when you weirdly said you'd support me, it was just some classic backstabby, gaslighty Kitty mind game. Hey, uh, what's with these posters? I thought you were supporting Tina. And why is your head Photoshopped onto Olivia Munn's body from February 2011? What? I read Maxim. Don't worry, Tina. Come on. This is Tina's one big chance to finally get what she wants. Why does no one believe me? Oh, right. The habitual lying. (grunts) SANTANA: I dig your name. So, do you think that your parents, like, knew that you were gonna grow up to be a lesbian giving you a boy name? Oh, uh... You just wear so much eyeliner... I don't... I'm totally kidding. I love lady parts. Dani is short for Danielle. And, no, I don't think they knew. My parents are actually kind of d-bags. They caught me making out with a girl in the basement and all hell broke loose. I grabbed my guitar, and never looked back. What about you? My parents were pretty cool. Grandma not so much. I had a girlfriend. And she was bi. Any chance of you guys getting back together? I love her, but, um, it's over. It's probably for the best. I think you need a 100% Sapphic goddess. Um... I think I'm gonna go get the salt... the salt sh-shakers. Shakers... Oh, my, God, I am sensing some serious energy exchanges happening over there. No, no, help me, okay? (nervous laugh) I'm getting that stinky panic sweat under my ***. Why? She's cute, she's sweet, she's gay, ask her out. Okay, I've never been with an actual lesbian. It's been all bisexuals like Brittany or college girls trying to experiment. You're scared. I've never seen you scared before. It's so cute! You tell no one of this. Seriously. I think that I might like her, and it is terrifying. Listen. She seems like a really smart girl. And if she's a smart girl, then she's not gonna miss out on an opportunity to be with someone as amazing as you. Okay? Okay, go clean up. Okay. Mmm, mm-mm. Hey, Sam, we're gonna go pick up our tux rentals. Uh, could you guys grab mine for me? I need to, uh... go to the nurse's office-- snake bite. That looks like a human bite. From a really big mouth. You sure you didn't bite yourself and pretend it was a snake? Why would I do that? Oh, I don't know, maybe... maybe for the same exact reason why you left math to get a Band-Aid for your hangnail? She's gonna be at the prom chaperoning. You can always just take it slow and ask her for a dance. She'll stop liking me, okay? The key for me is to only spend a few minutes with a girl and then get away. My personality is like a radioactive asteroid. Spend too much time with it That's insane. You have an amazing personality. You have all of your... impressions. And-and all of your... impressions. I was thinking of doing my Denzel impression for her. (imitating Denzel Washington): All right, all right. I'm coming for you and when I do, she didn't drink the ***, I drank the ***. Remember those Titans. All right, training day. You better come correct 'cause I'm coming for you and when I do, it's your day to train. Training day is here. (laughs) My man, all right. Embrace the Beatles mantra. "Charge forth fearlessly." You may get hurt. Some girls are worth it. And I have a feeling you think she is. Go get them, Denzel. (The Beatles' "Something" begins) ♪ Something in the way she moves ♪ ♪ Attracts me like no other lover ♪ ♪ Something in the way ♪ ♪ She woos me ♪ ♪ I don't want to leave her now ♪ ♪ You know I believe and how ♪ ♪ Somewhere in her smile ♪ ♪ She knows ♪ ♪ That I don't need ♪ ♪ No other lover ♪ ♪ Something in her style ♪ ♪ That shows me ♪ ♪ I don't want to leave her now ♪ ♪ You know I believe and how ♪ ♪ You're asking me will my love grow ♪ ♪ I don't know, I don't know ♪ ♪ You stick around now, it may show ♪ ♪ I don't know, I don't know ♪ ♪ Something in the way she knows ♪ ♪ And all I have to do is think of her ♪ ♪ Something in the things ♪ ♪ She shows me ♪ ♪ I don't want to leave you now ♪ ♪ You know I believe and how. ♪ (music fades) Why are you packing up your things? Sue fired me for incompetence. I was giving one of her Cheerios! a urine test and another one a vaccination, and I got my vials all mixed up, and, well... you can guess what happened. Well, y-you can't leave. Why? Because we only hung out once so far. And-and it wasn't for long, but, you know, I had a great time with you. And you're, like, almost totally normal and cool. Really? All right. I want you to give me my shot. If you can get me to take this shot, Sue will have to see how great of a nurse you are and keep you. One of these days, I'm gonna get this right. Might as well be today. (gasping) You can't fire her. Who? Nurse Penny. You can't get rid of her. I mean, I've been terrified of needles my entire life. And she just used her impressive nursing skills and nurturing bedside manner to give me a meningitis shot in my butt. I'm sorry, but your mouth is incredibly distracting. Please put a pair of white cotton *** over your head and cover up that horizontal talking moose knuckle. Just promise me Penny still has a job here. Oh... I believe someone's got a little crush. No, I don't. I don't have... Fine. You've convinced me. Nurse Bumble McQuirkypoops will remain at McKinley High. I could use a new plaything. You know, yesterday, I asked her for two aspirin, and she accidentally gave me steroids. (laughs) Which means I can finally finally stop buying from Mark McGwire. (groans) He always wants to hang out, and I just want to get the hell out of his house. Why are you still here? Get the hell out of my office. (school bell ringing) Tina for Prom Queen. Don't be racist. Vote for Tina. Vote for Tina. Don't be racist. If you don't vote for Tina, you're a racist. Ooh. How do you know my name? Come on. Everyone knows Dottie Kazatori. Tina Cohen-Chang's personal slave. Break it down. You hate Tina, don't you? I do wish she'd hurry up and graduate. How would you like to be on the Cheerios!? That's, like, my life's dream. BREE: That's why you're perfect for our little plan. Uh... Mazel, Berry. Looks like you're gonna make it through your first graveyard shift without collapsing. What is that? The latest edition of Backstage. Hot off the presses. "Hot off the presses"? I'm over my fear of rejection. And I'm no longer afraid of failing. I'm auditioning for everything I'm remotely right for. Including but not limited to the role of Bottom at the Cape Cod Players production of Midsummer, and also Annie Sullivan's landlady in The Miracle Worker now casting at the New Jersey Theatre for the Deaf. Where do you think you're going? You still have ten minutes and two dozen sugar caddies to caddy. See, I thought that that was something that you and Dani could do alone. Okay, no, come on. You are not playing Yente the lesbian matchmaker. I'm so tired. No, you're not. You have to... Bye, Rachel. See you tomorrow. Good-bye, Dani. Aren't you heading out, too? No, not yet. I like to watch the sun rise over that building. I just love how the diner goes from being quiet and dark to suddenly just... glowing. I've never seen it. Well, stick around. We'll watch it together. Okay. (The Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun" playing) ♪ Here comes the sun ♪ ♪ Doo, doo-doo ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun ♪ ♪ And I say it's all right ♪ ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ ♪ Little darling ♪ ♪ It's been a long ♪ ♪ Cold, lonely winter ♪ ♪ Little darling ♪ ♪ It feels like years ♪ ♪ Since it's been here ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun ♪ ♪ Doo, doo-doo ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun, I say ♪ ♪ It's all right ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da ♪ ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ Little darling ♪ ♪ The smiles returning to their faces ♪ ♪ Little darling, it seems like years ♪ ♪ Since it's been here ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun ♪ ♪ Doo, doo-doo ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun ♪ ♪ And I say it's all right ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da ♪ ♪ Sun, sun, sun, here it comes ♪ ♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪ ♪ Sun, sun, sun, here it comes ♪ ♪ Oh... oh... ♪ ♪ Uh-huh ♪ ♪ Ah-oh... ♪ ♪ Little darling ♪ ♪ I feel that ice is slowly melting ♪ ♪ Little darling ♪ ♪ It seems like years since it's been clear ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun ♪ ♪ Doo, doo-doo ♪ ♪ Here comes the sun, and I say ♪ ♪ It's all right ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da ♪ ♪ It's all right ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da ♪ ♪ Sun, sun, sun, here it comes. ♪ Well, this is where I get off. So I guess that's good-bye? For now. See you around. (crowd cheering) (The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" plays) ♪ It was 20 years ago today ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play ♪ ♪ They've been going in and out of style ♪ ♪ But they're guaranteed to raise a smile ♪ ♪ So may I introduce to you ♪ ♪ The act you've known for all these years ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪ Stick with me, dateless ladies, and you'll have a great time. Hope I got all your votes. ♪ We're Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪ ♪ We hope you will enjoy the show ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪ ♪ Sit back and let the evening go ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪ Oh, hey, didn't see you there. It seems like someone convinced Sue to un-fire me. That person must really like you. Hey. Were you faking being sick all week? I even bit myself once. ♪ I don't really want to stop the show ♪ ♪ But I thought you might like to know ♪ ♪ That the singer's gonna sing a song ♪ ♪ And he wants you all to sing along ♪ ♪ So let me introduce to you ♪ ♪ The one and only Billy Shears ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ♪ ♪ Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. ♪ (music ends, crowd cheering) ♪ Caught up in the moment... ♪ You know you don't have to just stand here, right? Oh, I know. But as a minor-league nurse, I figured I should be on standby for any dancing-related injuries. I'm the one who's most likely to go out there and hurt myself on the dance floor, so as a minor-league nurse, it is kind of your responsibility to dance with me. (chuckles) God, I don't know. I bust moves, literally. (laughs) I'm taking those. (chuckles) Your dress is so pretty! Thank you so much. It's designer. I hope you guys voted for Tina. You guys look beautiful. Psst! Come here! Everything set? Yes. Did you add extra shards of ice? Yes, and I bought the slushees in Toledo so no one could link me to the crime. Oh, my God, I just remembered, I've got a viola lesson tonight. Oh, I know you're not backing out at the last minute. I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life being a pathetic bottom-feeder. Fact: you wet your bed until seventh grade. Fact... Stop, stop! Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Showtime. SUE (over speakers): Congratulations, New Directions, on accomplishing the impossible: you've made me hate The Beatles. Your nominations for Prom King are: Stoner Brett, Blaine Anderson, Artie Abrams, and that Radical Cleric kid. And now your nominees for Prom Queen: Neck-brace Cheerio!, Asian number one, Kitty I-forget-your-last-name, and... some other chick. And now here's the moment you've all been waiting for because your lives are so devoid of meaning something like this seems very important. This can't be right. Okay, what the hell do I care, huh? Your Prom King and Prom Queen are... (drumroll plays) Stoner Brett and Tina Cohen-Chang. (cymbal crash, crowd cheering) ♪ ♪ (cheering continues) (cheering continues) No...! (cheering stops) (panting) (slow-motion): What the hell? (laughing) (laughter) TINA: This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus. This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus. This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus. (laughter continues) MARLEY: We need to get you out of those wet clothes and into something dry. Just leave me like this! (sobbing): I swear, I just thought for one lousy night of my life, I could be that girl. But who am I kidding? I'm not that girl, and I will never be that girl! Tina, where are you going? (sobbing): I'm going home, Sam! Okay, Tina, stop. You have two choices, and whichever one you pick, we will be supportive. But we can either drive you home, or we can clean you up, and you can go back out there and own that prom. This is your prom, Queen T. I can't go back in there. I don't even have a dress to wear. You can have mine. Or mine. Or mine. Although it would be a crime to break this look. Come on, Tina. We're all with you. You want to be that girl? Then go be that girl. (sobbing) (The Beatles' "Hey, Jude" plays) ♪ Hey, Jude, don't make it bad ♪ ♪ Take a sad song and make it better ♪ ♪ Remember to let her into your heart ♪ ♪ And you can start to make it better ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude, don't be afraid ♪ ♪ You were made to go out and get her ♪ ♪ The minute you let her under your skin ♪ ♪ Then you begin to make it better ♪ ♪ So let it out and let it in ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude, begin ♪ ♪ You're waiting for someone to perform with ♪ ♪ And don't you know that it's just you ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude, you'll do ♪ ♪ The movement you need is on your shoulder ♪ ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah-nah-nah-nah ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude, don't make it bad ♪ ♪ Take a sad song and make it better ♪ ♪ Remember to let her under your skin ♪ ♪ Then you'll begin ♪ ♪ To make it better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better, better, better ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪ ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ (applause, cheering) ♪ Nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude ♪ ♪ Jude-Judey, Judey, Judey, Judey, Judey! ♪ ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ ♪ Sing a sad song ♪ ♪ Nah-nah-nah, hey, Jude ♪ ♪ Jude, hey, Jude, yeah... ♪ ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ ♪ Nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude ♪ I'm Tina Cohen-Chang. I accept your crown! Long live prom! ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ ♪ Whoo, yeah-yeah! ♪ ♪ Nah-nah-nah, nah ♪ ♪ Hey, Jude. ♪ (song ends) (giggles) Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, get in this office and sit down! Ow! Ow! Bree. This is the girl responsible for the giant slushee bucket at prom. No, I mean, literally, who is this? She's in a Cheerios! uniform, but I swear I've never seen her before. You put me on the team. Black Cheerio!-- you think I'd remember a black Cheerio. It's not like we get a lot of them. Sue Sylvester, this girl needs to be punished. Now, I'll admit that when the bucket of goo hit the Asian girl in the head, it was hilarious. Then the bucket itself fell and hit the stoner kid in the head, knocked him straight to the ground. Priceless. Top-notch entertainment. But that does not change the fact that this girl right here needs to understand that pulling hilarious, top-notch pranks has consequences. She should be suspended. Bree... I'm promoting you to captain of the Cheerios! and buying you a Le Car. What? Chocolate Cheerio!, oh, that evil glimmer in your eye reminds me of a young Sue Sylvester. You found a brand-new way to go after the glee club, and I want you to keep at it. ROZ: I thought you said you wanted the glee club to win nationals. I do, but the glee club needs an enemy. The only time they were any good was when I was hell-bent on destroying them. Plus, I once sang onstage with them in plaid pajamas, and ever since, I don't think they find me quite so scary. I want you to go after the glee club with all you've got. I want it to get weird. I want you to pull something so psychotic that they can't help but start crying when they think about it in the middle of the inevitable Journey song they'll sing to win at nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment. You got it? I think I need an agent. I guess those contracts I signed for those commercials said that I waived my right to residuals in exchange for a lifetime supply of Yeast-I-Stat. Though I don't know whose toxic *** would need that much of that stuff. I mean, if you're producing that much yeast, you should probably start a bakery. (sighs) (gasps) Sorry. What is Lady Hummel doing here? Working. Vogue.com doesn't pay, and I need some seed cash to start my Madonna cover band. You guys, this is so great. I feel like I'm on Smash, season one. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, because soon you'll be dumping us to play *** Brice. Oh, no, that ship has sailed. If I got it, I would have heard by now. Rachel, be positive! I am positive, okay? My whole life, I've been looking to be a part of something special to feel special, but the truth is, is that I am special, okay? And I don't need producers to tell me that. I'm gonna play this part, and if it's not in this production, then that is their loss. Isn't it amazing how life seems so easy when you just don't give a fart? I mean, look at this. Hummel is getting married, Berry is just full of confidence, and I finally have a girlfriend who I don't have to worry about straying for ***. Then let's make a pledge: we stay in this town together for two years, all right? For soaring success or miserable failure. None of us bail Okay. Okay. Pinky swear. Come on. Put those long fingernails in there. (laughs) (mimics explosion) GUNTHER: Someone in booth 14 is looking for the short one. Go. I take this. Gunther, that's my Yeast-I-St... What the hell? Mr. Campion. Do you have any whole cakes, Rachel? Just a whole cake? Mm-hmm. I'd like one. Okay. But I need you to write something on it for me. Can you do that? Good. I want you to write, mm... "Congratulations, Rachel Berry. You are *** Brice." (voice breaks): Are you serious? Are you serious?! Really?! Oh, my God! Really?! Thank you so much! Thank you! I got ***! Oh, my God! Thank you! What? She got the part? Whoo! Whoo! (applause) (squeals) Thank you so much! I got it! Yeah! I can't wait to take this off! (The Beatles' "Let It Be" playing) ♪ When I find myself in times of trouble ♪ ♪ Mother Mary comes to me ♪ ♪ Speaking words of wisdom ♪ ♪ Let it be ♪ (shrieks) ♪ And in my hour of darkness ♪ ♪ She is standing right in front of me ♪ ♪ Speaking words of wisdom ♪ ♪ Let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, let it be ♪ ♪ Whisper words of wisdom ♪ ♪ Let it be ♪ ♪ And when the brokenhearted people ♪ ♪ Living in the world agree ♪ ♪ There will be an answer ♪ ♪ Let it be ♪ ♪ For though they may be parted ♪ ♪ There is still a chance that they will see ♪ ♪ There will be an answer ♪ ♪ Let it be... ♪ ♪ Let it be, let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be ♪ ♪ There will be an answer ♪ ♪ Let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be ♪ ♪ Whisper words of wisdom ♪ ♪ Let it be... ♪ ♪ Ooh... ♪ ♪ And when the night is cloudy ♪ ♪ There is still a light that shines on me ♪ ♪ Shine until tomorrow ♪ ♪ Let it be ♪ ♪ I wake up to the sound of music ♪ ♪ Mother Mary comes to me ♪ ♪ Speaking words of wisdom ♪ ♪ Let it be... ♪ ♪ Let it be, let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be ♪ ♪ There will be an answer ♪ ♪ Let it be... ♪ ♪ Let it be, let it be ♪ ♪ Let it be, yeah, let it be ♪ ♪ Whisper words of wisdom ♪ ♪ Let it be... ♪ (song ends) (all cheering) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org