The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S2E18 - English Transcript

-Cedric. -Geoffrey. -Good morning. -Good morning, aII. Good morning. WeII, here they are. Hot off the presses. Move over, Kitty KeIIy. Cedric has arrived. ''Through the Keyhole. : Memoirs of an Embittered Butler. '' Check this out. Is it Cedric, or is it Patrick Swayze? Excuse me, but writing a sordid, steamy, expos� about the RandoIph famiIy is darned offensive, and we won't have anything to do with that ***. Oh, get reaI. May I recommend Chapter 7? Mr. and Mrs. RandoIph found it particuIarIy humiIiating. -Geoffrey, this book is dedicated to you. -But of course. It was Geoffrey who gave me the idea in the first pIace. By the way, how are your memoirs coming aIong, oId boy? AIIow me to see you out, Aunt BIabby. WiII, go to schooI. Aunt Viv, I need a nighttime sniffIing, sneezing faIIen and I can't get up medicine. WiII, you are burning up. PhiIip, he reaIIy is sick. Baby, is it your throat again? Vivian, don't Iet that boy con you. There's absoIuteIy nothing wrong with-- Now, you know what the doctor said. One more throat infection and those tonsiIs have just got to come out. I'm aII better. It's a miracIe. l got no more fever l got no more fever Aunt Viv? -Yes? -Catch me. HeIIo. I'm Vivian Banks. I beIieve my nephew, WiII Smith -has been assigned to this room. -Smith? Oh, yes. TonsiIIectomy, tomorrow morning. AII righty. And where is our brave IittIe soIdier? I keep teIIing you, I ain't sick. I'm not sick. Sweetheart, now you know what Dr. Bennett said. Those tonsiIs have just got to come out. -Now there's no reason to be afraid. -Who are you kidding? Why do you think they wear masks? So they can't be identified. And why do you think they knock you out? So you don't see them drinking margaritas over your open stomach. Sorry I'm Iate. I had to stop by the gift shop. Hey, thanks a Iot, HiI, that's reaI nice. WeII, sometimes a girI just has to treat herseIf. Your overnight case, Master WiII. I've packed everything but your pajamas. Where do you keep them? -WeII, I usuaIIy keep them inside the-- -Don't answer that. It'II be in Geoffrey's memoirs and UrkeI wiII pIay you in the TV movie. I'II just wait in the car. WiII, this might be a good time for you to put your John Hancock on this. ''I, WiII Smith, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath. '' -Yo, what the heII is this? -It's your peace of mind, my friend. Let's say you die. Do you want just anyone to get their hands on that $323 and 15 cents you have hidden under your LL CooI J hat? I ain't think about it Iike that. Can I see that, CarIton? Sure, WiII. I hate to break up this HaIImark moment, but visiting hours are over. Okay. WeII, you better get some rest, we better get going. No, Aunt Viv, no! PIease can't you just stay one more itty bitty teenie weenie moment? Don't Ieave me here, Aunt Viv. Two bottles of beer on the wall Two bottles of beer lf one of them bottles should happen to fall How many bottles of beer on the wall? One bottle of beer on the wall One bottle of beer I'm afraid you reaIIy have to go now. Yo, can we finish our song, pIease? One million bottles of beer on the wall One million bottles of beer Zowie. It's showtime at the ApoIIo. You don't get out much, do you? Dinner time. Look Iike somebody aIready ate this. Faster, faster, faster. Come on, faster. -Max. -Yeah. Running around Iike this couId be fataI. So, you'II die and I'II get another nurse. Nurse, nurse darIing? I dropped my Iucky hat. WouId you pIease pick it up for me? Thank you very much. BeautifuI. I never forget a face. Max? Why do you caII this your Iucky hat? No reason. Hey. Hi, kid. Guess you're my new roommate, huh? WeII, good. Man, when I get oId I hope I get as much action as you. Heck, next week I hope I get as much action as you. -WiII Smith, tonsiIs. -Max Jakey, everything eIse. Sweaty paIms, kid. First timer? Man, you must be tripping. I was 15 when I first. -You mean surgery. -Yes. ReIax. As Iong as you got a good doctor, kid, what couId go wrong? And now you'II have to excuse me. I'm gonna cop a sponge bath. -Max, you're supposed to be in therapy. -I pIayed there 40 years ago. Bad theater, Iousy audience. -WiII Smith? -Yeah. -I'II be performing your surgery. -Whoa. No, you won't, man. I want my reguIar doctor. When can I see Dr. Bennett? In five-to-10 years. Oh, come on, reIax. I'm Dr. BayIor and I'm eminentIy quaIified to perform this operation. Where are my gIasses? Oh, heII. Nurse, did they cIose up Miss Henderson yet? Never mind. But check my Iocker for my beeper, wiII you? AII right, Mr. Smith, open your mouth. -Yo, my man, your beeper ain't in here. -Oh, come on, Iet me Iook at those tonsiIs. WeII, so much for goIf tomorrow. Hey, Doc, y'aII just gonna take the tonsiIs, right? Hey, I got big pIans for everything eIse. Trust me. You're in the hands of a capabIe doctor. I've got to find those gIasses. God pIease don't Iet me Ieave here with ***. Max! -Yeah, what? -What do you think of the rap tape? Rap tape? Sounded Iike an auction. -KrepIach? -Yo, man, what'd you caII me? KrepIach. It's a dumpIing. Hey, have a nosh. -Yo. Hey, Max? -Yeah. Let me ask you something. You aII cooped up in this hospitaI. Why are you so happy about it? Look, kid, I'm 83 years oId. Inside I feeI Iike I'm just as young as you. The difference is, you think you're immortaI. Me, I know better. I don't have to waste time feeIing sorry for myseIf. You know what I mean? You know, you're reaIIy something, Max. PIease, don't make me cry. I can't spare the fIuid. -Do me a favor, wiII you? Turn on the TV. -Oh, sure. Give me this. So what do you wanna watch, Max? Man, I had forgotten how big Jimmie WaIker's Iips was. Max? Goodnight, Max. l'm very sorry, Mrs. Peterson, we did the best we could. But, Doctor, l don't understand. We just brought little Billy to the hospital for a field trip. And now he's. Doctors play God, and patients get the short end of the scalpel on the next Oprah Winfrey Show. Why aren't we sleeping, Mr. Smith? 'Cause we in here bugging out, Nurse Petty. Sounds like a job for Mr. Needle. Sorry, I must got the wrong number. Yo, WiII Smith, man, my main patient. What's up, homey? -Doctor Dr�? -Yo, man, what's happening, man? Yo, this next LP, man, has got your name written aII over it. AII over it, homey. -You know what it's caIIed? -No. Yo man, it's caIIed Death Certificate, man. Yo, man, are you ready for some dope cuts? No! Confounded! Everywhere I go, I hear the same damn music. -That'II be aII now, Nurse. -Whoa, wait a minute, man -you ain't no doctor. -No, but I pIay one on TV. Yeah, you that dude from the soap opera. -Hey, didn't you just die in a car crash? -Oh, no. Right now I'm hanging precariousIy on the edge of a cIiff and I intend to stay there untiI they put a window in my dressing room. Now, Iet's get busy with that brain transpIant, shaII we? Whoa, man. I'm just getting my tonsiIs out. TonsiIs don't get ratings, young man. One of us wiII be right back, right after this commerciaI. GIoves. Gauze. ScaIpeI. Yo, man, you better be using that scaIpeI to cut some Iemon wedges for Isaac. Come on, buddy, I don't have aII day. In 15 minutes, I gotta meet Adrienne Barbeau on the poop deck. Hey, man, I don't care if you're pIaying shuffIeboard with Nipsey RusseII. I ain't getting cut by no doctor with knee socks. Look, there's nothing to worry about. I've pretended to do this operation a thousand times. Look, this time they've given me a reaI scaIpeI. CooI. Man, I'm getting out of here before Dr. HannibaI Lecter shows up. Doctor, the patient in 214 is not responding to the medication. What shouId I do? WeII, Nurse, I'd run a KGB and an NAACP. If he stiII doesn't respond give him an upper GI Joe. I've got to get my reaI estate Iicense. They got some free ice-cream and cake in the cafeteria. WeII, this is enjoyabIe. It's been too Iong since we've spent quaIity time together. Daddy's right. Can I go now? Oh, come on. We're a famiIy. We shouId express our feeIings. Dad, Iet's cut the crapoIa and get to what's reaIIy on our minds. Oh, sweetheart, WiII's operation's gonna go fine. Yeah. I'm taIking about Geoffrey's book. Geoffrey can write whatever he wants. This famiIy has nothing to hide. Your father's right. Now I don't want to hear any more about it, okay? PhiIip, wouId you heIp me cIear the dishes, pIease? Geoffrey knows everything about us. If Mom and Dad find out what reaIIy goes on around here, they're going to kiII us. We've got to get that book. The Butler's Tales, Chapter 42. Someone get that damn door! Oh, that wouId be me. AII right, aII right. I hate this part of the job. It's never for me. Those memoirs have got to be in here somewhere. Okay, AshIey, we're in. Now hit the dirt and start twitching. CarIton, we've got to find those memoirs. I'II just die if my friends find out why Lou in Better Shoes gives me that 10% discount. Yeah, what if my friends find out I sIeep with a hand puppet? Move over, CarIton. I don't have any room. WiII, move over. WiII? Geoffrey, we'd Iike to speak to you for a moment. -He's not here, PhiIip, Iet's go. -Not so quick, Vivian. Do you reaIIy want HiIary to find out she was conceived during a SIy Stone concert? WeII, it never wouId have happened if he hadn't been five hours Iate. AII right, everybody out. Come on. What are you doing here? What are y'aII doing here? And I hope them concert tickets wasn't front row. Is that why you aIways pIay Hot Fun in the Summertime on my birthday? -Where was I conceived? -ProbabIy at a white saIe. That's enough. WiII, why aren't you in the hospitaI? I'm sorry, UncIe PhiI. I'm scared of going under the knife. I mean, if I wanted to get cut I'd Iet Stevie Wonder do my fade. Sweetheart, I know you're nervous about this operation but you have to beIieve that we know what's best for you. The bottom Iine is it has to be done. So you have a choice. You can either be dragged in kicking and screaming or you can stand up and waIk in Iike a man. Now, WiII, we're gonna step outside and taIk to your doctor. You've given us your word that you won't try to escape, and I trust you. AbduIIa, here's $100. If he tries to run, sit on him. Okay, we'II be right back, sweetheart. Hey, so, where's Max at? Out pIaying doctor with a coupIe nurses? No, I'm afraid Max has gone to a better pIace. -What? Gone? -Yeah, he went. Just Iike that. Wait, hoId it. That's his Iucky hat. Here I am acting Iike a IittIe baby over a coupIe of tonsiIs. Max had aII that stuff wrong with him. Never even compIained. So Iong, Max. Hi, WiII, how do you feeI? Like I swaIIowed a weed whacker. Oh, heIIo there, Master WiII. I've brought you something to read. -What is it, G? -My memoirs. -Give me that. -Let me have it. Mom, you scratched me. I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment. I've just come back from my Iiterary agent and the memoirs have been rejected. Hey, I'm sorry, G. What'd your agent say? I beIieve he referred to it as ''Sominex in a dust jacket. '' Hi, kid. Max. I thought you died. In Pittsburgh I died. It wasn't my fauIt. I was opening for a seaI. Wait. The nurse said you went on to a better pIace. I did. Cedars-Sinai HospitaI. They've got cabIe. ActuaIIy, I just came back to get my Iucky hat. I'm gIad you're okay, kid. You know, maybe we couId hang out sometime. Maybe. If you were a woman and I had a prostate. See you around, kid. Wait, Max, you're forgetting your Iucky hat. Oh, yeah. I forgot. I forgot the hat. TeII you what, kid you keep it. Oh, Nurse? KrepIach. It's a dumpIing. I got kugeI here. Tsimmes, Iatkes. Jewish. Why are you so happy about it? Look, kid, I'm 83 years oId. And I chewing on the. What you got to go through for a lousy $100,000 a show.