Legit S2E10 - English Transcript

1 This is stupid. What are we doing here? We're meant to be buying Emily a gift. My waiting period is over. I thought we'd just come in here real quick and I'd buy a gun. Why don't you wait in the car? - 'Cause this interests me. - Hey! This interests me very much. I'll tell you what interests me, man. Georgia has been very nice lately. She called me the other day to see if I wanted to have Emily for the whole weekend, and she was nice about it very nice. Oh, maybe she wants you back. Maybe things are gonna change. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. How big do you think I should go? I think you should go small. In fact, I think you should go really small. I think you should go so small that, indeed, we can't even see it. Radical idea don't even get a gun. You could be the guy without a gun. That would really throw them. I'm getting this for protection. Protection? What a stupid thing that is. You know, you're more likely to be shot by that gun than to shoot someone else. Oh, yeah? What about the guy with the machete? If I'd have had a gun that night, that situation would have been very different. Really, Steve? Because I remember us being *** in our underwear, sitting on the couch. I don't remember you having a holster. You weren't staring at the window with a gun, waiting for guys with machetes to come through. What if what if Emily picks this gun up and shoots herself? I'm gonna keep it in a safe! Then it's no protection! What happens if someone comes through the window with a machete and now you're like, "Wait there, ***. "Oh, yeah. "You've come to the wrong house here. "34, 56. Oh, I'm gonna ruin you, buddy!" That's good. Is that your new routine? It might be. Do you like it? I think it's No, I don't. Why do you have to make fun of me just 'cause I'm trying to better myself? - Better yourself. - Yes! I'm finally taking control of my life. How is this taking control of your life? Jim, you know Afghanistan changed me, right? I mean, I-I haven't had a drink in weeks. I finally have a clear head. So now that you have a clear head, you want to shoot someone? Why don't you shut up? I have a constitutional right to own a gun. Here we go. The second amendment, right? The second amendment, Steve, was written during the time of muskets. Let's check if they have a musket section. - I didn't see many muskets. - You know what? You don't like it here, why don't you go back to Australia? But that's racist! What what are you talking about? I love living here. I just think the second amendment is stupid. And by saying that, you're saying the constitution is stupid. Can I help you guys? Yes, my 10-day waiting period is up. I need to buy a gun. All right, well, you're in the right place. What are you looking for? Something for protection or for sport? - Protection, mostly. - What do you mean, "Mostly"? - What, are you occasionally gonna use it for sport? - Yeah, I might. What, you're a hunter now? How can you call hunting a sport? Sports have winners and losers. When have you ever lost at hunting? When have you come home, one of your kids is missing and your wife's like, "Where's Timmy?" And you're like, "Uh, the duck had a gun"? Does he need to be here? I ask myself that every day. This is a classic 9mm right there. You should get a knife. He's a riot. Yeah, you have no idea. This thing is badass, man. How much? That one's 949 bucks. What do you have in the $200 range? $200 I have I have this . 22 right here. Oh. That's cool. Is this a good gun? No. What's your life worth to you, though? I have something secondhand you might like. Secondhand sounds about right. After you. Thank you. Think I should get a holster? I mean, it's a it's a great purchase, right? It's a good-looking gun. Put that in your jacket! Don't keep it down your pants! See?! - Mommy! - Elaine, come back here! What do 9-year-old girls like? You know, I, uh I have no idea. I know she likes the show with the bunny that, uh, "Hoppinfeffer" or "Poppy" "Hoppy Pops. " I don't know. It's a bunny that hops. I know what we should get her. We should get her something big. Something she can't take back to Cincinnati with her. Something she can only play with at our house. What, are you kidding me? That's 350 bucks. I can't afford that. I spent all my money on my gun. I have no idea why Georgia doesn't want you back. Look, I'll pay for it. Really? Yeah! What's the use of having protection if you don't have a castle to protect. Daddy! Hey, pumpkin! Look what just showed up in our yard! Is it mine? Well, I don't see another princess it should belong to. - Jim! - Hey! What happened to "Uncle Jim"? Hey! I'm the real Uncle here! - Uncle Billy! - Give me a hug. Hey, darlin'. Hey, guys. Nice castle. Where's Todd? Yeah, where's Todd? Todd's not coming today. Really? Steve, can I talk to you alone for a moment? Sure. Yeah, yeah. - Thanks. - Oh! Oh, no! I've got a barnacle on me leg! Come on. I got to go talk to mom for a second, all right? Do you like it? I love it! Don't go in that bit. Look, before you say anything, I just want to tell you I know I'm late on the money and I'm really sorry about that, but I got a couple irons in the fire, so everything's gonna be good, you know? Look, Steve. I didn't come to talk to you about that. Oh, God. This is harder than I thought. Oh, no. You and Todd having trouble? Oh, no. Well, you can tell me. Look, I can see that you have made a lot of changes, and I'm so happy for you. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I can tell you're not drinking as much. Nope. Three weeks. And I know I never say this, but you really are a good dad to Em. Yeah, that means a lot. Thank you. Mm-hmm. I know. You know, things are gonna be different around here now. I promise. And I want you to know that you don't have to worry about the money anymore. No, I'm gonna fix that. I swear. Georgia, don't worry about that. Please. I swear to you. - I'll take care - Okay, look. I'm just gonna come out and say it, okay? - All right. - Okay. Um, Todd and I are getting married and I'm pregnant. Wow. Yeah, and Emily's gonna have a little brother or sister. That's awesome. Because y um Yeah. When the baby comes, I hope it's a girl. No, I hope it's a boy. No! I don't know what I want. I'm just too excited. Are you excited, too, daddy? Oh, yeah. That's really exciting, you know? You're gonna be a big sister! Okay, come down here. Say goodbye to me. Mm! And I'll be back tomorrow. - Okay. - I love you. - Love you. - Bye, Jim. Bye. Thanks, Steve. Sure. Have fun in Santa Barbara. Say hi to your mom and dad for me. Okay. Are you okay, Steve? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna go out. Clear my head a little bit. Hey, Em, you okay being with Uncle Jim and Uncle Billy - for a little bit? - Yes! - You sure you're all right? - Yeah, eh. Dah! I'm out of bullets, man! I need more! Sorry, buddy. We're closing up. You know, I bet I'd be a better shot if you could put my ex-wife's picture on that target. Yeah, Obama made that illegal. But I hear you, man. I got a couple ex-wives. - What the hell? - Last box on me. Thank you. Your chariot awaits, Princess! What is the password? What is the passw Life isn't worth living if Jim doesn't date me anymore! I've already cut myself! Jim! She's a little girl! - Yeah! - Nice shooting. All right! Nice! Hey, you want to have a drink? - Yeah. - What?! - Yes! - Oh. Play inside. Come on. Get on my back. All right. When's daddy coming back? Soon. It's been a long time. Where did he go? Work. Now that ***, Todd, knocked her up. She's pregnant. I bet that *** won't even let you see your own kid. No, I see her a couple times a year. I'm in the same boat, buddy. She's at my house right now. I haven't seen my kids in years. My ex-wife says I can't. She says I can't have plastic explosives in the house because it's dangerous. Well, if there's kids there, that is dangerous. Hello! It's for their protection. From the government, right? Yeah. I just want to see Obama try and knock on my door. I don't like this movie. What time do you go to bed? That's like two hours. She doesn't go to bed at All right, good night, Em. I need a story. Do I have to? All right, come on. Um, there once was a little girl Was she a princess? Uh, sure. Why not? Yeah, she was a princess. Her name was Emily. That's my name. I want a different princess. Okay, her name was Amber. I got to go find a bed. I, too, must find a bed, Gene! After one more. Where the hell have you been? What's up, guys? What are you doing? Taking care of your kid. - Em! Emily! - Hey! Shut up! - Shh! - Shut up, all right? She's in bed. You shut up. Emily! All right, you're too drunk. I'm too drunk. Okay. - Steve. - Do you hear this, Billy? Jim Jefferies is telling me that I'm too drunk. Man, that that's like some kind of crackhead telling a crackhead that he's got crack problems. All right, go to bed. Daddy? Hey, Em! No, no. You don't want to do this. Hey, honey. Honey, uh, the adults are talking. Hop on and I'll take you back to bed. Emily! Look, I know you've had a really *** day, but this proves nothing. All right, go to bed, wake up, and start again. - Get your hands - Steve, do you want to lose the last thing you've got? Least I got something to lose. - What does that mean? - You know what it means. Well, you're not part of this family. You're just some *** that hangs around all the time. I got a kid to lose and you don't 'cause you aborted it when you were 16. Oh! You stupid piece of ***! - What happened? - I don't know. Wow! Turns out someone can dish out the jokes but they can't take 'em! I shouldn't have hit him. No, no, Jim. He deserved it. Yeah, but Emily's here, and I should have gone after him. Nah. He's probably just walking it off. He'll be okay. I've took and I take more than one man need I'm thirsty. Hey, dude. It's Steve. Listen, man. I know we both said a lot of things in there we didn't mean. But you didn't have to hit me. You know that. Anyway, I just wanted to call, man. But you're not answering, so I have to assume that you're probably pissed at me. Bottoms up. Here we go. One, two, three. Yeah! Oh, no. Who wants another? We'll do another. Hey, come on. Pack it up, man. - Hello? - Time to go. I'm gonna pack it in your rear end! Whoo! You're a ***! Is this crack? Hey, who else has a gun? Raise your hand? No ***! Oh, ***! Now I know why people suck *** for this stuff. This is good. I am sorry. Don't tell Georgia that this all happened, okay? - I say we go to a cockfight. - Hold on. What? Yeah, man. Let's go to a cockfight. Hey, who's in charge? I am. You want some action on the ***? Billy, what the hell are you doing here? My name's not Billy. My name's Big Pete. Want action or not? What kind of cockfight is it, anyway? There's no Mexicans here. I want to put $40 on the blue one. Come on, blue! Come on, blue! Come on, baby! Yeah! Fight like my brother, you stupid chicken! I just realized who you are. You're the guy that started Hustler magazine, right? Get spoon face out of here. Okay. All right, all right. Oh! Oh! That one it's snowing in booger town, people! *** line. Best night ever! Ooh. I got dizzy all of a sudden. Uh What?! ***! ***! ***! Oh, ***! Oh, ***! Where's my phone? Where's my gun? Get up! Get up, get up, get up, get up. Wait. What? Get up! Get up! Come on, Princess. Go back to bed. No! Get up! Go see your daddy. He'll help you out. Dad's not here and Uncle Billy needs help, so get up! Hey! Come on, come on, come on! Have you been playing all night? Yes. I need to pee. So, Steve didn't come home. Nope. Perfect. What's your name? Billy. No, it's not. It's Belinda. - Okay. - What's your name? Jemima? No, it's Sally. That doesn't make any sense. Sally, you are my maid. You have to cook me food. Belinda, you're my driver. You have to drive me around. Okay. Hop on board, Princess Emily. Where would you like to go? To Sally's restaurant to eat, please. - What? I'm a maid that has a restaurant? - Yes. - Where is Sally's restaurant? - In the kitchen, silly. I'm an idiot. Of course. Uh Ah, cereal. Okay. Oh ***. Jim! We were going up the ramp and she fell off. I want my mommy! Okay, your dad's gonna be here real soon. - You keep saying that! - All right, okay. - Okay, give me a look here. - I'm sorry. That is just a little, tiny scratch, okay? Okay. Good. It's a big freakin' cut! I want my daddy! You're gonna be fine! Okay, if you could um just fill this out with your insurance. All right. Um, now, I have medical insurance. I'm not sure what the girl's medical insurance She can go on my medical insurance. - Are you the father? - No. Are you related? America. All right. Fine. I'll pay in cash. It's no big deal. Why are you with this child? Okay, this girl needs stitches. - What?! - You need stitches! She needs stitches. I-if you could just give me a minute. I-I need to talk to someone else. - Jim? - Please Katie? It's okay. Um, I know him. This is Steve and Georgia's daughter, Emily. I just got to get her fixed up before either of them get back. Where are they? Well, Georgia is in Santa Barbara and Steve My dad's at work. - Is at work. - Oh. Hey! Hey! Hoppin' Boppin'! Hoppin'! Oh, my God! Hey, you sick ***! A kid died there! Screw you! How do you know I'm not putting it up, you ***?! Son of a ***. You're not gonna need stitches. See? I told you. Yeah, just a couple butterfly bandages, and you might have a tiny scar. Ah, scars are good! Scars make you look tough. - Scars give your face character. - Girls don't like that. - They don't like to have character, girls? - No. I wouldn't have picked that. Seems odd. Katie, why are you here? Um, actually, we moved here a couple years ago to be close to my parents. But at the reunion, you said you were living in Sacramento. Yeah. Um, I didn't want to complicate things. Ah. All right. Well, it looks like we are done. Thank you. You're welcome. Good to see you, Jim. - You too. - Beautiful makeup, by the way. I Why didn't you tell me I still had makeup? I really like her. Me too. She really likes you. I think what I want to do is I want to have the ceremony at the church, and I definitely want to have the reception - at the Four Seasons. - Four Seasons. But this is the last one, right? Oh, Harold. It'll be the last one. I promise. Oh, my God. Look at that guy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no! Oh Ohh. Is that Steve? My God! God, I've always hated him. Steve! Oh, my God! Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Handler. Oh, my God. Hey, Steve. Hi. How was Santa Barbara? - Great. - Oh, shut up, Todd! What are you doing out here? Oh, just a second. Sorry. Let me get in. I'll explain. - Oh, no. No. No, no. - No. No. Can we watch "Despicable Me" or something? I am bored out of my mind. I hate video games! No. Pbht. Daddy's home! Hi, Emily. Katie Knox. Hi. How did you find us? Oh, I've I've been here before. Hey. I just, um, wanted to stop by and see how Emily was doing. Do you want to see my castle? I do! Em, don't do Don't run. You'll trip o What's going on? Well, Georgia should be back at any minute, and as for Steve, who the hell knows where Steve is? He's not at work? No, Steve doesn't work. Georgia is pregnant. Steve freaked out and went out on a bender. God, how does he do this? He ruins everything! - What is that smell? - Everything! Where's Em? She's at home. She should be fine. See? This is my castle. Wow! That is a great castle. I want one. Where'd you get it? Uncle Jim and Uncle Billy got it for me. That's not true. Your dad got you that castle. Then why didn't he stay and play Princess with me? Come here. No. Come on! Come here. Fine! Looking good, Steve. Shut up, Todd. Now, your daddy really wanted to be with you this weekend. But he couldn't 'cause he's working really, really hard at the moment, and so he made sure that me and Uncle Billy were here to play with you. Yeah, I'm sure if he could be here, he would be. Why does my dad get drunk? Um Your your dad gets, um Okay, you know when you're spinning around and you're spinning and you're spinning and you're spinning? Mm-hmm. And we tell you not to do it but you do it anyway, and then you fall on the ground, and you're really dizzy, and you can't get back up? Yeah. That's why your dad drinks. Why doesn't he just spin around? Um, sometimes adults have so much You know what? That's a really good question. Hmm. Do you want to spin around? I don't know. Do I? - Yes. - Yeah. Yes, I do. Whoo-hoo! Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Jim, you handled that really well. Good save. We would have made a good team. Whoever's last wins. Go! Whooooo! Oh, say it's me It's not you Whoooooo! I win! Is there any winners in this game, really? Yes! All right, just pull over. I'll jump out and I'll get her. You want a hand, sweetie? Shut up, Todd. Okay. See you later, Steve. Thanks for the ride, ***. Yep. Any time. You ready? Mm-hmm. Just keep walking. Hoppin' Boppin'! - Don't touch the bunny. - Okay. Bye, kiddo. Love you. I love you. Yeah, I love you, too. Did you at least have fun? Oh, ***. - What? - I lost my gun. Bye. Hope you have a miscarriage.