Alton's Countdown to T - Day

GREETINGS, AMERICANS. DID YOU KNOW OF THE HUNDREDS OF OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED PHOBIAS DOZENS CONCERN FOOD AND/OR COOKING? ADMITTEDLY, MOST OF THESE PHOBIAS, SUCH AS CONSECOTALEOPHOBIA, OR LACHANOPHOBIA, AND UH, ALLIUMPHOBIA ARE RATHER FAR-FETCHED. THERE IS ONE WITH WHICH I CAN SYMPATHIZE... DIEMELEAGRISPHOBIA-- FEAR OF THE DAY OF TURKEY. THOSE WHO SUFFER DIEMELEAGRISPHOBIA ARE TERRIFIED OF THANKSGIVING, SPECIFICALLY, THE THANKSGIVING MEAL, THE MERE THOUGHT OF WHICH PROPELS THE SUFFERER INTO A SICKENING, VERTIGINOUS SWOON. HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE I AM A DIEMELEAGRISPHOBIC. YEARS OF THANKSGIVING THERAPY HAVE HELPED ME TO REALIZE THAT WHAT I'M REALLY AFRAID OF ISN'T WHAT LURKS BEHIND THIS DOOR-- IT'S WHAT LURKS BEHIND THIS DOOR. OKAY, I'M TRYING TO FINISH THE PLACE CARDS... NOW, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GLUE ON THE ADORABLE HARVEST SCARECROW? OR, OR, OR... YES-- TURKEY FEATHERS? GEE, SIS, I DON'T KNOW-- WHY NOT BOTH? WE HAVE SO GOT THAT PSYCHIC SIBLING THING WORKING-- MWAH-- HA, HA, HA. (growling) PSYCHO SIBLING IS MORE LIKE IT. ALAS, IT 'TIS THE FAMILY I FEAR. IT'S ALL THE STRESS THAT COMES FROM TRYING TO MAKE ALL THOSE PEOPLE HAPPY AT THE THANKSGIVING TABLE. IT'S ENOUGH TO CRACK THE TOUGHEST EGG. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? (breathes heavy sigh) IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY AND THIS YEAR, IT'S NOT. BEHOLD A SUMPTUOUS TURKEY, LUSCIOUS GIBLET GRAVY, A ROOT VEGETABLE PANZANELLA, THAT'S ITALIAN FOR SALAD WITH BREAD, DREAMY, LIGHT, WHIPPED POTATOES, AND FOR DESSERT, PECAN PIE. A DARN FINE FEAST-- WHICH YOU COULD EASILY AUGMENT WITH GOOD EATS' AWARD-WINNING GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE, OR OUR CRANBERRY SAUCE, DELIVERED TO THE SCENE, PERHAPS, BY A CARING GUEST OR FAMILY MEMBER. YOU COULD EVEN MAKE ROOM FOR YET ANOTHER CONGEALED SALAD, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER SHOW. NOW, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT THIS BASIC MEAL COULD BE YOURS IF YOU JUST FOLLOW OUR SIMPLE, MASTER PLAN, AND, THAT COME TURKEY DAY, THE BULK OF THE MEAL COULD BE EXECUTED IN AROUND 4 HOURS, WITH MINIMAL FUSS, MINIMAL HEADACHE, AND MINIMAL DRAMA, HMM? JUST GIVE US ONE SHORT HOUR OF YOUR VIEWING TIME, AND WE WILL TURN YOUR DIEMELEAGRISPHOBIA INTO... ♪ Closed Captions Provided by Scripps Networks, LLC BEHOLD, OUR TURKEY DAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK WHICH IS SET FOR 4 DAYS. BUT, BEFORE WE CAN SET THAT INTO MOTION, WE NEED TO SECURE THE STAR OF THE SHOW. I SPEAK, OF COURSE, OF A TURKEY, AND LUCKILY, I HAVE AN INSIDE SOURCE FOR THIS SORT OF THING. ♪ (turkey gobbling) REMEMBER MY NEIGHBOR, CHUCK, WHO HAD THIS CRAZY IDEA ABOUT A TURKEY TRUCK BACK IN THE LATE 90s? WELL, IT TURNS OUT IT WASN'T SO CRAZY AFTER ALL. THE TURKEY MARKET HAS CHANGED IN RECENT YEARS AND CONSUMERS HAVE A LOT MORE CHOICES THAN THEY USED TO HAVE. OUR ENTRY LEVEL TURKEY, CHUCK'S ORIGINAL, A BROAD BREASTED WHITE BRED TO GROW FAST AND DEVELOP BIG, YOU KNOW... YEAH, I--I--I KNOW, BUT THE WAY I SEE IT, THE STANDARD-ISSUE, FACTORY-GROWN BROAD BREASTED IS REALLY JUST KIND OF LIKE A BIG CHICKEN, ONLY WITH LESS FLAVOR. A MORE DISCRIMINATING BUYER MIGHT WISH TO SAMPLE A HERITAGE VARIETY. AH, HERITAGE, DIRECT DESCENDANTS OF THE INDIGENOUS TURKEYS OF NORTH AND CENTRAL AMERICA. EIGHT VARIETIES ARE RECOGNIZED BY CHUCK'S, INCLUDING THE BURBON RED, BRONZE, ROYAL PALM, BLACK, NARRAGANSETT, SLATE, WHITE HOLLAND AND BELTSVILLE SMALL WHITE. AND, WE'VE GOT THEM ALL DEEP-CHILLED, NEVER FROZEN. THE, UH, TYPICAL HERITAGE TURKEY HAS A LOWER MEAT-TO-CARCASS RATIO THAN A TRADITIONAL FARM-RAISED BIRD, AND UH, THEY TEND TO BE A LITTLE ON THE GAMEY SIDE. STRONGER FLAVOR, YES, BUT IN A GOOD WAY. IT TAKES 7 OR 8 MONTHS TO REACH MARKET WEIGHT, AND THEY JUST SPEND THAT TIME WANDERING AROUND, EATING BUGS AND STUFF, SO THEY DEVELOP MORE FLAVOR. SPACE, PLUS TIME, EQUALS MONEY. MR. BROWN, CAN YOU REALLY PLACE A PRICE ON SATISFACTION, ON FLAVOR? YES... AND IT'S NOT $8 DOLLARS A POUND. TELL ME ABOUT YOUR KOSHER TURKEYS. AH, TYPICALLY THE SAME BREED AS CHUCK'S ORIGINAL, ACCESS TO OUTSIDE, NO ANTIBIOTICS, AND ALL PROCESSED UNDER RABBINICAL SUPERVISION. AND THEN SOAKED IN A BRINE, WHICH INCREASES THE WEIGHT, WHICH INCREASES THE COST. MR. BROWN, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, I'VE GOT STOCKHOLDERS TO ANSWER TO. YEAH, DON'T-- DON'T WE ALL. ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT, WHAT ABOUT THE ORGANIC TURKEYS? UH, NOT BREED-DEPENDENT... RAISED ON 100 PERCENT ORGANIC FEED, ACCESS TO OUTDOORS, NO ANTIBIOTICS, CERTIFIED ORGANIC. HEY, YOU KNOW, IT SAYS "ASK ABOUT CHUCK'S SELF-BASTING BIRDS." WHAT'S A SELF-BASTING BIRD? WE INJECT THEM WITH A TASTY MARINADE... MY OWN FORMULA-- IT'S PERFECTLY LEGAL. PERFECTLY BIZARRE, UM, IS WHAT IT IS. I TELL YOU WHAT, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FREE-RANGE TURKEYS. ACCESS TO AN OPEN AREA. YEAH, BUT ACCESS DOESN'T MEAN THEY ACTUALLY GO OUTSIDE. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES. OKAY, OKAY, I DON'T EITHER, IT'S COOL. TELL ME ABOUT YOUR ALL NATURAL TURKEYS. NO ARTIFICIAL INGREDIENTS OR COLORS. WHAT KIND OF ARTIFICIAL INGREDIENTS COULD BE IN A TURKEY? AH, GOT IT, OKAY-- WELL LET'S JUST PUT THAT-- LET'S JUST PUT THAT DOWN, AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT THIS "PASTURED" BIRD. AH, A BROAD BREASTED WHITE, RAISED LIKE A HERITAGE, WITH PLENTY OF PASTURE, NATURAL FOODS, NOT RUSHED TO MARKET WEIGHT, RICH FLAVOR, FIRM TEXTURE. NEVER BELOW 26 DEGREES. HELD BETWEEN 24 AND 26 DEGREES. BELOW ZERO DEGREES. SOLD-- I LIKE GOING WITH A FROZEN BIRD BECAUSE UH, THEY TEND TO RESIST MISHANDLING. IF YOU'VE GOT TIME TO THAW, I'D GO FROZEN. IF NOT, DEEP CHILLED WILL DO JUST FINE. AH, GREAT-- NOW THERE IS A NICE 14-POUNDER. 14 POUNDS IS PERFECT... ANY LARGER AND IT TAKES TOO LONG TO COOK-- SO LONG THAT IT COULD DRY OUT. IF YOU NEED MORE BIRD, BUY ANOTHER BIRD, A BONELESS BREAST, A HUGE SELLER FOR US. IT'S BEEN GREAT GETTING TOGETHER WITH YOU AGAIN, MR. B. I WILL. GOBBLE, GOBBLE. (turkeys gobbling) ♪ BEHOLD, MY THAWING RIG... AS YOU CAN SEE, THE FROZEN TURKEY, STILL IN ITS ORIGINAL WRAPPING, HAS BEEN PLACED INSIDE A MEDIUM TO LARGE COOLER, WITH ENOUGH COLD WATER TO COVER BY A COUPLE OF INCHES. NOW, SINCE FROZEN TURKEYS FLOAT, I HAVE PLACED A PIECE OF PLASTIC-COATED METAL CHAIN ON TOP TO SERVE AS AN ANCHOR-- YOU MAY IMPROVISE AS YOU SEE FIT. NOTICE PLEASE, THAT THE COOLER HAS A DRAIN SPOUT, WHICH ALLOWS THE WATER TO DRAIN INTO THIS SINK, INTO WHICH I HAVE PLACED JUST ENOUGH COLD WATER TO COVER THIS $30 DOLLAR PUMP-- UH, TYPICALLY USED TO POWER THOSE ANNOYING WATERFALL DEVICES SUGGESTED BY FENG SHUI EXPERTS. I GOT THAT AT THE HARDWARE STORE. THE FOUNTAIN PUMPS THE WATER BACK FROM THE SINK TO THE TOP OF THE COOLER VIA A PLASTIC HOSE. NOW SINCE IT CAN MOVE ABOUT 200 GALLONS AN HOUR, THIS IS QUITE A BIT OF CONVECTION, AND THE WATER WILL NOT BE WASTED. IF MY MATH IS CORRECT, I FIGURE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO THAW A FULL-SIZE TURKEY IN 6 TO 7 HOURS, A CONSIDERABLE TIME SAVINGS. FOUNTAINS BRING THE ENERGY OF WATER INTO ANY SPACE. AND WATER'S AN ANCIENT SYMBOL OF WEALTH AND PROSPERITY, AND THEY DIFFUSE HEALTHY, NEGATIVE IONS INTO THE AIR. I'M FEELING NEGATIVE ENOUGH ALREADY, THANKS. YOU REALIZE YOUR CH'I IS SERIOUSLY OUT OF WHACK. OH, OH, I'VE GOT SOMETHING OUT OF WHACK, BUT IT AIN'T MY CH'I. FINE-- DON'T MAXIMIZE YOUR ENERGY, SEE IF I CARE. IN ORDER FOR THIS SYSTEM TO RUN UNATTENDED, IT NEEDS TO BE IN EQUILIBRIUM-- MEANING THAT THE PUMP DOESN'T PUMP MORE THAN THE COOLER CAN DRAIN AND VICE VERSA, I THINK. TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING IS, YOU KNOW, HUNKY DORY, I LIKE TO PLACE A RULER RIGHT HERE IN THE SINK. NOW IF YOU SEE THAT THE WATER IS DRAINING OUT OF THE SINK TOO QUICKLY, YOU CAN ALWAYS PLACE A LITTLE CLAMP ON THE HOSE TO JUST KIND OF STOP IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT AND SLOW THE PUMP. IF, ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU FIND THE PUMP CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE COOLER, YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE DIAMETER OF THAT SPIGOT BY JUST TAKING A PIECE OF ALUMINUM FOIL, FOLDING IT OVER, POKING A HOLE IN IT AND STICKING IT BACK BEHIND. WITH A LITTLE BIT OF FINESSING, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH A PERFECTLY BALANCED SYSTEM EVERY TIME. WHILE WE WAIT ON THE THAW, WE CAN MOVE TO YET ANOTHER AQUATIC DEMONSTRATION, ALTHOUGH THIS ONE WILL BE A LITTLE MORE CONCEPTUAL. THIS HAS TO DO WITH MY FAVORITE POULTRY AUGMENTATION METHOD-- I SPEAK, OF COURSE, OF BRINING-- THAT IS, SOAKING SOMETHING IN A SALT SOLUTION. BRINE IS GOOD, BRINE WORKS, HERE'S WHY. THINK OF A TURKEY AS A BIG 'OL SPONGE, ALL RIGHT? IT'S A GOT A GOOD BIT OF MOISTURE IN IT WHEN IT COMES, YOU KNOW, UM, HOME FROM THE STORE. ROAST IT, HOWEVER, AND THE HEAT QUICKLY SQUEEZES OUT THE MOISTURE, LEAVING THE TURKEY DRY AND CHEWY. HOWEVER, IF YOU TAKE THAT VERY SAME MEATY SPONGE AND SOAK IT FIRST IN A BRINE, EVERYTHING CHANGES. THE SALT AND THE SOLUTION WILL AT FIRST PULL MOISTURE OUT OF THE BIRD VIA OSMOTIC PRESSURE-- BUT, GIVEN TIME, A FAIR AMOUNT OF THAT SOLUTION WILL SEEP BACK INTO THE BIRD, MAKING IT ACTUALLY HEAVIER THAN IT WAS WHEN YOU GOT IT. NOW, BESIDES PROVIDING SEASONING TO THE INNER MEAT OF THE BIRD, THIS SALT WILL ALSO DENATURE, OR UNRAVEL SOME OF THE PROTEINS IN THE MEAT, FORMING A KIND OF GEL-LIKE MESH THAT WILL ACTUALLY HOLD ON TO WATER. THUS, BRINED BIRDS ARE MOISTER WHEN THEY COME OUT OF THE OVEN, AND THEY TASTE A WHOLE LOT BETTER TOO. IS THERE A DOWNSIDE TO BRINING? WELL, ALTHOUGH BRINED BIRDS ARE JUICY, OVER-BRINED BIRDS CAN BE MUSHY. THEIR SKIN RARELY CRISPS UP IN A SATISFACTORY MANNER, AND THEIR DRIPPINGS ARE FAR TOO SALTY TO MAKE GRAVY. IS THERE AN ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM? OF COURSE, GET RID OF THE WATER. FETCHETH FORTH YOUR FAVORITE SPICE GRINDER -- ALL RIGHT, IT'S A COFFEE GRINDER -- AND SPIN YOURSELF UP A DRY BRINE, OR A CURE. NOW WE WILL BEGIN WITH... OKAY, TECHNICALLY, THAT'S 3 TABLESPOONS, PLUS A TEASPOON, PLUS HALF A TEASPOON. SEEMS LIKE A LOT BUT KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE NUMBER TWO INGREDIENT AFTER WATER IN ANY BRINE. WE'LL ALSO BE ADDING... NOW IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED WHY IT'S CALLED RUBBED SAGE, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S PRODUCED BY RUBBING THE SEMI-DRIED LEAVES OF SALVIA OFFICINALIS THROUGH A SCREEN SO THAT THE FUZZY FUR TRICHOMES, WHICH CONTAIN MOST OF THE FLAVOR, ARE REMOVED. YES, I RUB MY OWN, BUT I'M KIND OF A FREAK THAT WAY. WE WILL ALSO ADD... AND... WHICH I PRETTY MUCH USE IN EVERY BRINE I MAKE. PROCESS UNTIL A FINE POWDER RESULTS. WELL, THE THAW IS COMPLETE, AND IN RECORD TIME, I MIGHT ADD. THE DRY RUB, OR CURE, HAS BEEN PREPARED, BUT A CHALLENGE REMAINS. IT IS, OF COURSE, THE COOKING TIME. WITHOUT THE ADDED FLUID OF A LIQUID BRINE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO COOK THE BIRD FASTER IN ORDER FOR IT NOT TO DRY OUT. AND BARRING SOME NEW DEVELOPMENT IN HEAT TECHNOLOGY, THERE IS ONLY ONE SOLUTION -- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DOUBLE THE SURFACE AREA. (imitating hospital intercom) DR. BROWN TO SURGERY, DR. BROWN TO SURGERY. THE FIRST STEP IS TO REMOVE THE NECK FROM THE BODY CAVITY WHERE THE GUTS OUGHT TO BE, AND THEN REMOVE THE GIBLETS, OR GUTS FROM THE NECK CAVITY, WHERE THE NECK OUGHT TO BE BUT ISN'T -- DON'T ASK ME WHY. NOW, FLIP YOUR BIRD BREAST-SIDE DOWN. WHAT WE'RE PLANNING TO DO IS TO BUTTERFLY THE BIRD, OR SPATCHCOCK, USING A SAW OR A SERRATED KNIFE, IF YOU PREFER, OR JUST A PAIR OF HEAVY SHEARS, WHICH IS USUALLY WHAT I DO. IT TAKES A LITTLE MORE HAND PRESSURE, BUT IT'S JUST AS EFFICIENT AS ONE OF THE OTHER METHODS. SNIP DOWN ONE SIDE OF THE BACKBONE, THEN TURN THE CARCASS THE OTHER DIRECTION. KIND OF GET HOLD OF THE NECK AND SNIP UP THE OTHER WAY, BUT DON'T THROW AWAY THAT BACK -- WE'LL BE USING THAT IN THE STOCK LATER. NOW, FLIP THE BIRD AND COMPRESS THE KEEL BONE GENTLY IN ORDER TO FLATTEN. THERE YOU HAVE IT, A BUTTERFLIED, OR SPATCHCOCKED TURKEY. NOW, WE WILL SPRINKLE HALF OF OUR SPICE MIXTURE ON THE INSIDE, OR THE BODY PART, AND THEN FLIP THE BIRD, AND RUB ON THE REST OF THE GOODNESS. DEPOSIT YOUR BIRD, BREAST-SIDE UP IN THE BOTTOM OF THE FRIDGE, UNCOVERED FOR 4 DAYS. NOW THIS IS A MODIFIED DRY-AGING PROCESS LIKE THE ONE EMPLOYED BY PRACTITIONERS OF PEKING DUCK, A DISH KNOWN FOR INTENSE FLAVOR, MEATY TEXTURE AND INSANELY CRUNCHY SKIN. YOUR PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED. AND NOW, FINALLY, WITH OUR BIRD RESTING PEACEFULLY WE ACTIVATE OUR 4-DAY COUNTDOWN CLOCK. ACTUALLY, 3 DAYS, 23 HOURS, 59 MINUTES AND 54 SECONDS FROM RIGHT NOW THE FEAST WILL BE SERVED. AW, IT'S 2 DAYS UNTIL T-DAY AND ALL THROUGH MY VILLA (crashing noise) THE FAMILY'S INVADING LIKE A RABID GORILLA. AND YET, IN MY TUMMY, I DO NOT FEEL HASTY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THE FEAST WILL BE ON TIME AND TASTY. WE'VE GOT A SITUATION, BRO. WHAT, DID YOU RUN OUT OF CRAFT SUPPLIES? NEVER-- AUNT SOPHIE DROVE HER SCOOT-AROUND INTO THE SHOWER. THAT'S NICE. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS AN ELEVATOR, AND KNOW SHE'S STUCK. WELL GOOD, THEN SHE CAN'T DO ANYMORE DAMAGE. LOOK, ARE YOU GONNA HELP, OR NOT? NO. LET UNCLE BOB HELP. SOME HELP HE IS -- HE TURNED THE SHOWER ON HER. (laughs) HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE. YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE -- DON'T WORRY, YOU LAY THERE-- MARSHA WILL TAKE CARE OF IT... AS USUAL. MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA... YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T EVEN LET AUNT SOPHIE IN THE DRIVEWAY WITH THAT SCOOT-AROUND THING OF HERS WERE IT NOT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE MAKES SPECTACULAR SPICED PECANS, A HOLIDAY STAPLE IN THE SOUTH. NOW, UH, SOME FOLKS JUST BOWL 'EM UP AND SERVE 'EM UP, BUT NOT ME, NO -- I ALSO USE THEM AS FODDER FOR THE FINEST PIE THE SOUTH HAS EVER KNOWN. I SPEAK, OF COURSE, OF PECAN PIE. NOW, ON THE PIE FAMILY TREE YOU'LL FIND PECAN PIE UP IN THE CHESS PIE SUB-FAMILY. NOW, CHESS PIES ARE AN INTENSELY SWEET GROUP OF PIES BUILT UPON A BASE OF EGGS, BUTTER, AND SYRUP-- TO INCLUDE MOLASSES OR SORGHUM, IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM THE STICKS. NOW THE MONIKER CHESS IS A REFERENCE NOT TO A BRAINY BOARD GAME, BUT, RATHER TO THE OLD ENGLISH CHEESE PIE, WHICH ODDLY ENOUGH, CONTAINS NO CHEESE AT ALL, BUT RATHER A FILLING OF SUGAR, BUTTER AND EGGS THAT SETS LIKE A CHEESE CURD. BEST OF ALL, CHESS PIES CAN BE MADE WAY AHEAD. ALTHOUGH MY PECAN PIE CAN BE ASSEMBLED WITH ANY GOOD, SHORT CRUST, SINCE PECANS ARE RELATIVELY HIGH IN FAT, I SEE NO REASON NOT TO INTEGRATE THEM INTO THE CRUST ITSELF. NOW FOR THIS WE WILL REQUIRE 3 1/2 OUNCES, BY WEIGHT, OF NON-SPICED PECAN HALVES OR PIECES, DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL GOING IN HERE. HEY BRO, WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CUTTING TORCH? OH, RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, WE ALSO NEED 6 OUNCES OF ALL PURPOSE FLOUR, 4 TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER, STRAIGHT FROM THE FRIDGE, 2 OUNCES OF ICE WATER, AND A 1/2 TEASPOON OF KOSHER CUTTING TORCH... OH BOTHER. (in deep Southern drawl) OOH, WELL I SUPPOSE THAT'LL KEEP THAT BOY BUSY FOR SOME TIME -- HE DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT NO PECAN PIE NO HOW. YOU COME OVER HERE WITH ME, NOW CHILD. THE FIRST THING WE GOTTA DO IS CHOP UP THESE HERE PECANS -- HE'S GOTTA ALL IN THIS LAWN MOWER CONTRAPTION. I DON'T-- I DON'T QUITE KNOW HOW TO WORK ONE OF THESE THINGS. I SUPPOSE, DO YA THINK IT'S THIS HERE BUTTON THAT SAYS "PULSE" ON IT? WELL, I DON'T KNOW -- I THINK MY PULSE COULD USE SOMETHIN' RIGHT ABOUT NOW THOUGH, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, COLONEL. YOU KNOW, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR NAP. I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY SOMETHIN'? I SAID, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR... IT JUST WENT OFF, I DON'T KNOW, PLEASE DO REPEAT. IT'S TIME FOR YOUR... COLONEL, YOU ARE JUST PLAIN EVIL. AH, NOW, DON'T BE THAT WAY, DON'T GO AWAY MAD. JUST GO ON AWAY THERE WITH YOURSELF. ALL RIGHT, NOW, WE GOT THOSE NUTS ALL TAKEN CARE OF, WE'LL PUT THAT FLOUR IN HERE, SOME NICE, SOFT, SOUTHERN FLOUR. (coughs) BOY, IT'S LIKE A PARTY BACK IN THE 1980s, I DECLARE, ADD SOME OF THAT SALT THERE, THAT JUST MAKES IT TASTE BETTER, ALL RIGHT? AND WE'RE GONNA HIT THAT PULSE BUTTON AGAIN -- THAT'S KIND OF FUN WHEN YOU GET THE HANG OF IT. ALL RIGHT, NOW HERE WE GO WITH THE BUTTER... (coughs) THAT'S A LOT OF FLOUR. ALL RIGHT, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOUR BUTTER BE VERY COLD. YOU DON'T WANT IT TO GET ALL MELTY IN THERE AND MAKE YOUR CRUST TOUGH AND THAT'S NOT, THAT AIN'T NO GOOD. ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO... NOW, WE NEED TO PUT SOME LIQUID IN THERE -- WE GOT SOME 2 OUNCES OF WATER. THAT'LL MAKE YOU RUST, WE GOTTA GET RID OF SOME OF THAT. HOLD ON A SECOND, HOLD ON, HOLD ON. THAT'S A LITTLE MORE LIKE IT, NOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA ADD A LITTLE BIT OF KENTUCKY CORN TO THAT, FOR FLAVOR, AND TO MAKE IT VERY, VERY TENDER. IT'LL ALSO HELP THE AFTERNOON GO BY A LITTLE BETTER. YOU KNOW WE COULD HAVE A GOOD TIME IF THAT WOMAN WOULD JUST RELAX A LITTLE BIT. WHOO, I DECLARE, SHE GOT SOME KIND OF CAT BLOOD IN HER SYSTEM. THERE WE GO. NOW THE KEY TO THIS IS YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO WORK IT TOO LONG NOW, OR YOU'LL MAKE YOUR CRUST TOUGH, SO WE'LL JUST PUSH THAT BUTTON A FEW TIMES... LOOK AT THAT GO. MY GOODNESS THE MODERN AGE IS SOME KIND OF MAGNIFICENT. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO, WE GONNA GO OVER TO THE REFRIGERATOR NOW, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO, COME ON. WELL NOW, WELL... I SEE YOU. NOW, WHEN THAT DOUGH IS ALL CRUMBLY, YOU PUT IT INTO A BAG, AND KIND OF MASH IT INTO A BALL AND FLATTEN IT OUT GOOD LIKE THAT. PUT IT IN HERE FOR ABOUT 1/2 HOUR SO THAT DOUGH CAN HYDRATE, MM-HMM. WHAT'S THAT? TO COME TAKE MY SPONGE BATH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. HERE I COME NOW, COME ON. WHAT WAS THAT OLD GEEZER DOING IN HERE, DID HE... LEMME GUESS, PUT BOURBON IN IT, RIGHT? OH WELL, PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA. FINE, WE SHALL MOVE ON TO FILLING. JUST BARELY MELT 4 TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER, ON HIGH, IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 30 SECONDS. IT TENDS TO POP AS THE SMALL WATER DROPLETS INSIDE EXPAND, SO IF YOU'RE THE CAUTIOUS TYPE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO COVER LOOSELY WITH A PAPER TOWEL. ALL RIGHT, CRANK YOUR HOT BOX TO 350 DEGREES, AND THEN ASSEMBLE THE FILLING BY WHISKING TOGETHER... AND THEN, A SECRET INGREDIENT. ENGLISH BAKERS DON'T REALLY HAVE A TRADITION OF REACHING FOR CORN SYRUPS THE WAY AMERICANS DO. THEY USE GOLDEN SYRUP, WHICH IS A SUGAR CANE JUICE THAT IS BOILED DOWN AND TREATED WITH ACIDS THAT SPLIT SOME OF THE DISACCHARIDE SUGAR MOLECULES INTO THE MONOSACCHARIDES GLUCOSE AND FRUCTOSE. AS A RESULT, GOLDEN SYRUP HAS A VERY DISTINCTIVE COLOR AND A ROASTY, TOASTY FLAVOR THAT IS PERFECT FOR PECAN PIE. ALTHOUGH IT CAN BE A LITTLE TOUGH TO FIND IN MODERN MEGA MARTS, IT IS OUT THERE, AND YOU CAN CERTAINLY GET IT ON THE WEB. OH, THE DARKER VERSION, WHICH IS CALLED BLACK TREACLE, IS LIKE MOLASSES -- WAY TOO STRONG FOR THIS APPLICATION. STICK TO THE GOLDEN STUFF. AND SO FINALLY, THE 6 OUNCES, BY WEIGHT, OF GOLDEN SYRUP GOES INTO THE PIE FILLING, ALONG WITH... (buzzer going off) PERFECT TIMING -- THE 4 TABLESPOONS, OR 2 OUNCES OF MELTED BUTTER. EXCELLENT. ALL RIGHT, IT IS TIME TO FETCH FORTH THE DOUGH. NOW, YOU ARE, OF COURSE, FREE TO ROLL THIS ANY WAY YOU LIKE, BUT IF YOU'RE IN ANY WAY SQUEAMISH ABOUT WORKING WITH SUCH A DELICACY DIRECTLY ON THE COUNTER, I WOULD SUGGEST ROLLING IT INSIDE THE BAG. THIS IS A 64-OUNCE ZIP TOP AND I WOULD USE AN OLDER ONE BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE TO SACRIFICE IT ALONG THE WAY. IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA SACRIFICE IT RIGHT NOW. USE EITHER A KNIFE OR SCISSORS TO SLIT DOWN BOTH SIDES OF THE BAG. OPEN AND LIGHTLY FLOUR, DISK, THEN FLIP, AND APPLY FLOUR TO THE OTHER SIDE AS WELL -- WE NEED ALL THE LUBING THAT WE CAN USE. THEN GRAB A ROLLING PIN, I LIKE THIS FRENCH STYLE, AND TURN THE BAG, ROLLING CONSTANTLY UNTIL YOU'VE GOT THAT DISK ABOUT 11 INCHES WIDE. THEN, GRAB YOURSELF A 9.5 INCH FLUTED TART PAN -- THESE ARE AVAILABLE IN MOST KITCHEN STORES, AND WE'VE ACTUALLY USED THEM ON PIES BEFORE. PLACE THE BOTTOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DISK, FLIP OVER, AND THEN, USING THE PLASTIC, KIND OF FOLD THE REMAINING OVERLAP ONTO THE DISK SO THAT YOU CAN PLACE IT DOWN INSIDE THE FLUTED PART OF THE PAN. THEN, JUST UNFOLD THE SIDES -- IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PRETTY -- AND CRIMP RIGHT INTO THOSE FLUTED AREAS. THEN, POUR IN 6 OUNCES OF CHOPPED PECANS, SPICED IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, EVENLY DISTRIBUTE AND THEN TOP WITH YOUR FILLING. AND ONCE THAT'S IN, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO GIVE IT A JIGGLE, JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT THERE ARE NO AIR POCKETS. VERY NICE, THERE'S ONE NOW. GOOD. ALL RIGHT, CAREFULLY TRANSFER TO THE MIDDLE OF THE OVEN AND BAKE FOR 20 MINUTES. NOW, YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHY I WOULD USE A TWO-PIECE 2-INCH TART PAN FOR A PIE. WELL, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CUT A PIECE OF PECAN PIE OUT OF A STANDARD PIE DISH? THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME OR YOU... NOT TODAY IT ISN'T. WHEN 20 MINUTES HAS PASSED, GRAB YOURSELF A COOLING RACK AND PUT YOUR HOT PIE UPON IT. THEN, TAKE 2 MORE OUNCES OF SPICED PECANS, THESE ARE WHOLE, UNLIKE THE 6 OUNCES THAT WE CHOPPED, AND SIMPLY RING THE CRUST TO MAKE A PRETTY DESIGN. AW, THAT'S NICE. THEN, BAKE UNTIL THE INTERNAL TEMPERATURE AT THE VERY CENTER OF THE PIE REACHES 200 DEGREES. THAT SHOULD TAKE ABOUT 10 ADDITIONAL MINUTES. NOW, AS SOON AS THE PIE IS COOLED, OR ALMOST COOLED, YOU'LL BE SORELY TEMPTED TO DIVE RIGHT IN. BUT, RESIST YOU MUST -- THIS PIE IS NOT READY TO CUT. FIRST, WE NEED SOME PLASTIC WRAP AND THEN THE COOLER. FREEZE YOUR PIE FOR A MINIMUM OF 8 HOURS, AND WELL, I'D SAY A MAXIMUM OF ABOUT 2 WEEKS. WHEN IT IS FIRMLY, UH, WELL, FIRMED, REMOVE THE PLASTIC, DISASSEMBLE THE PAN, CAREFULLY, AND THEN USE A KNIFE, LIKE A SERRATED KNIFE, TO REMOVE THE BOTTOM ROUND OF THE PAN, LEAVING YOU WITH JUST THE PIE. THERE, WE DON'T WANT TO CUT ON THAT. THEN, USE THE VERY SAME KNIFE TO SIMPLY CHOP DOWN INTO 8 VERY EVEN PIECES -- LOOK AT THAT, NARY A NUT OUT OF PLACE, IT'S A WONDER. PERFECT. REFRIGERATE UNTIL SERVING, OR SERVE AT ROOM TEMPERATURE. AND DON'T WORRY, UNLIKE STARCHED, STABILIZED PIES, THIS ONE WILL NOT LEAK OR WEEP ONE BIT -- NOPE, IT WON'T. ALL RIGHT, IT'S NOW THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING. THE PIE IS DONE -- THE TURKEY, COMFORTABLY RESTING. AND UM, YOU KNOW, BESIDES TRYING TO AVOID MY FAMILY, THERE'S NOT A WHOLE LOT TO DO. WE CAN, HOWEVER, GET A JUMP ON SOME OF THE VEGETABLE ITEMS. SO, UH PEEL YOURSELF... AND SLICE THEM AS THINLY AS POSSIBLE. A MANDOLIN WOULD BE THE BEST TOOL FOR THIS JOB -- YES, MY ATTORNEYS INSIST YOU USE EITHER THE UH, PROVIDED HAND GUARD, OR A KEVLAR-IMPREGNATED GLOVE, FOR SAFETY'S SAKE. SO, ONCE YOU HAVE THEM CUT, YOU MOVE THE POTATOES TO AN 8-QUART CONTAINER, AND COVER WITH AT LEAST A GALLON OF COLD WATER. ALL RIGHT, PARK YOUR SPUDS IN THE FRIDGE OVERNIGHT. THIS WILL GIVE TIME FOR THE WATER TO WASH EXCESS STARCH OFF OF THE UH, THE SURFACE OF THE SLICES -- STARCH THAT COULD, WERE IT TO END UP IN THE POT, LEAD TO GUMMY WHIPPED POTATOES-- NEVER GOOD EATS. NEXT ON OUR ROSTER, CUT 8 OUNCES OF HEARTY SOURDOUGH OR MULTI-GRAIN BREAD INTO ABOUT HALF INCH CUBES. IT'S TYPICALLY HALF OF A STANDARD LOAF AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT REMOVING THE CRUST. THEN SPREAD IN A SINGLE LAYER ON A SHEET PAN AND PARK IN THE OVEN OVERNIGHT TO DRY. IF YOU NEED YOUR OVEN FOR SOME OTHER CHORE, JUST LEAVE IT OUT ON A CLEAN EXPANSE OF A COUNTER, THAT'LL BE FINE. NOW, DO NOT TRY TO USE SANDWICH BREAD FOR THIS APPLICATION-- IT WILL ACTUALLY MOLD BEFORE IT STALES ENOUGH FOR USE IN THIS DISH. NOW, HERE WE ARE AT 23:30, BASICALLY. TIME TO MINCE 2 CLOVES OF GARLIC AND THEN PEEL 1 1/2 POUNDS OF PARSNIPS AND CUT INTO PIECES. THEN REPEAT THAT WITH 1 1/2 POUNDS OF RUTABAGA, 1 SMALL RED ONION, AND 8 OUNCES OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS. ONE NICE, LARGE KNIFE SHOULD DO THE TRICK. THERE. AS FOR THE UH, BRUSSELS SPROUTS, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA. THAT IDEA, OF COURSE, IS THE FOOD PROCESSOR, FITTED WITH A SHREDDING BLADE. I SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO LOAD UP THE FEED TUBE A COUPLE OF TIMES, TO MANUFACTURE PERFECTLY SHREDDED BRUSSELS SPROUTS. YES, YOU COULD DO THIS OF COURSE WITH A KNIFE, BUT, WHEN YOU'VE GOT THIS LITTLE BABY, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU? THE PARSNIPS AND RUTABAGAS CAN BE COMBINED AND REFRIGERATED. EVERYTHING ELSE SHOULD BE CHILLED IN SEPARATE CONTAINMENT. AFTER THIS, THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BUT KICK BACK AND MAKE SOME PRECIOUS MEMORIES WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS... IF YOU CAN. ALL RIGHT KIDS, TURKEY DAY, T MINUS 4 HOURS AND CHANGE. WE ARE IN THE PIPE, ON THE GLIDE SLOPE, ALL IS WELL, TIME TO START THE GRAVY, WHICH WOULD TRADITIONALLY INCLUDE... GIBLETS. I JUST SIGNED GIBLETS. SO, SID THE FOOD SUPERAGENT IS NOW REPRESENTING... GIBLETS. I'VE GOT HEART, A.B., I'VE GOT GIZZARD, I'VE GOT LIVER, I'VE GOT IT ALL. YOU KNOW, SINCE I MET YOU, SID, YOU'VE REPRESENTED SWEET POTATOES, (both) OH, SLIMY. GIBLETS, YES. FROM THE FRENCH WORD "GIBLAH," MEANING, "STEW OF GAME," OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. GIBLETS. AH, PISH POSH. I HAVE 10 POUNDS OF TOP-QUALITY GIBLETS, COMPLIMENTS OF THE GIBLET COUNCIL OF AMERICA. I NEVER KID ABOUT WORK. HIGHLY PERISHABLE, THOUGH. TO MAINTAIN FULL FLAVOR, KEEP TIGHTLY WRAPPED AND STORE IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR REFRIGERATOR. WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 10 POUNDS OF... GIBLETS, HUH? WHAT CAN'T YOU DO? ICE CREAM, SOUP, FONDUE, LOAF... THE SKY IS THE LIMIT WHEN YOU'VE GOT GIBLETS. 4 HOURS. FINE, I'LL BE WATCHING THE GAME. YES. GRAVY, THEN. AT T MINUS 4 HOURS AND COUNTING, WE MOVE TO THE GRAVY PHASE. PLACE A 6.5 QUART STOCK POT, THAT'S BASICALLY A MEDIUM POT, OVER MEDIUM HEAT AND LUBE WITH 1 TABLESPOON OF CANOLA OR VEGETABLE OIL. WHEN THAT OIL SHIMMERS, IN ABOUT A MINUTE, LOAD IN THE RESERVED TURKEY NECK, AS WELL AS THE TWO BACK PIECES AND BROWN THOROUGHLY, TURNING OFF-- SHOULD TAKE 5 TO 6 MINUTES. THEN, WE ADD THE RESERVED... THAT'S RIGHT, THE GIBLETS, ALONG WITH A SMALL ONION, CARROT, AND A STALK OF CELERY, QUARTERED, AND A HEAVY PINCH OF KOSHER SALT. CONTINUE COOKING FOR 5 MINUTES, OR UNTIL THE VEGETABLES START TO TENDERIZE, THEN ADD... THEN... FILTERED WATER IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. PUT ON THE LID AND BRING TO A BOIL. WHEN YOU ACHIEVE SAID BOIL, BACK THE HEAT DOWN TO A BARE SIMMER AND KEEP IT THERE FOR 1 1/2 HOURS. AT T MINUS 3 HOURS AND 40 MINUTES, WE WILL REMOVE THE TURKEY FROM THE FRIDGE. WE WANT THAT TO COME UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE, THAT WAY IT WILL COOK FASTER. ALSO, MOVE THE PARSNIPS AND RUTABAGAS INTO A LARGE ROASTING PAN AND TOSS WITH ... AT T MINUS 2 HOURS AND 5 MINUTES, WE WILL MOVE THE ROASTING PAN OF VEGETABLES TO THE BOTTOM RACK OF A 425 DEGREE OVEN. PULL OUT THE RACK IMMEDIATELY ABOVE AND PLACE THE TURKEY ON THAT RACK, CAREFULLY. MOVE IT TO THE RACK, NO PAN BENEATH IT-- IT'S GONNA GO RIGHT ON THE RACK, JUST BE CAREFUL, THAT IS HOT. THERE, NOW SLIDE IT IN. THAT WAY THE DRIPPINGS WILL GO DOWN ONTO THE VEGETABLES AND WE WILL NOT WASTE THAT GOODNESS. MOVE IMMEDIATELY TO THE COOKTOP, KILL THE HEAT AND STRAIN THE STOCK THROUGH A FINE MESH. WE WILL NEED TO DISCARD MOST OF THE SOLIDS, WHICH HAVE GIVEN UP THEIR GOODNESS... (singing) GIBLETS. NOW AS SOON AS THEY ARE COOL ENOUGH TO HANDLE, GO AHEAD AND CHOP YOUR GIBLETS WITH A VERY SHARP KNIFE. NOW I REALIZE THAT EVEN HARD-CORE TURKEY FANS DON'T WANT TO ACTUALLY WATCH SOMEONE CHOP UP GIBLETS, SO THERE YOU GO. T MINUS 1 HOUR, 35 MINUTES-- IT IS TIME TO ADD ANOTHER DOSE OF VEGETATION TO THE ROASTING PAN. SO, CAREFULLY POSITION THE PAN FOR EASY ADDITION, AND IN GO THE ONIONS. TOSS THOSE AROUND NOT ONLY TO INTEGRATE, BUT ALSO TO COAT WITH OIL, THEN RETURN TO THE OVEN. WHILE YOU'RE HERE, DROP THE HEAT FROM 425 DOWN TO 350. NEXT, FETCH FORTH THE POTATOES FROM THE REFRIGERATOR AND STRAIN THEM. DO NOT JUST DUMP THEM INTO THE STRAINER, LEST YOU DUMP THE STARCH THAT SANK TO THE BOTTOM RIGHT BACK ON TOP. RINSE, AGAIN, TO REMOVE STARCH, AND IF YOU'VE GOT A SALAD SPINNER, RUN 'EM THROUGH THAT TOO. AGAIN, REMOVING MORE STARCH-LADEN WATER. THERE. NOW, MOVE THE POTATOES TO A LARGE STOCK POT, OR IF YOU'RE ME, DUMP HALF OF THEM ON THE COUNTER GETTING THEM IN THERE-- DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. THEN POUR ON A WHOLE GALLON OF WHOLE MILK AND BRING THAT UP TO HIGH HEAT, OR MEDIUM HIGH IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE BETTER-- WE DON'T WANT IT TO SCORCH. I KNOW IT'S A LOT OF MILK BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN SAVE IT LATER FOR CHOWDER OR SOME SUCH THING. 1 HOUR AND 30 MINUTES REMAINING. THE TURKEY IS A GO, THE VEGGIES ARE A GO. THE POTATOES, A GO. THE PIE, ALREADY GONE, FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING. SO, WE MOVE NOW TO THE GRAVY... WHAT'S GOING ON? I WAS COOKING. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, COOK BETTER? ALTON, WHY ARE THESE HIDEOUS BALLOONS ALL OVER MY BEAUTIFUL TABLESCAPE? OH, THOSE ARE GIBLET BALLOONS. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT GUTS ARE NOT TODAY'S THEME. GUTS. GUTS. GUTS. GIBLETS, GIBLETS. GIBLETS! STOCK TO A 4-QUART PAN, OR A SAUCIER, PREFERABLY, AND PUT THAT OVER MEDIUM HEAT. THEN, PLACE ANOTHER HALF CUP OF THE STOCK INTO JUST A SMALL JAR, OR SOME OTHER SEALABLE VESSEL, ALONG WITH A TABLESPOON OF ALL PURPOSE FLOUR. I'M GONNA SHAKE TO SUSPEND THE PARTICLES THUSLY... AND THEN VERY SLOWLY WHISK THE SLURRY, WHICH IS WHAT THIS IS CALLED, INTO THE POT. NOW, AS THE LIQUID REACHES A BOIL, THE FLOUR GRANULES WILL SWELL AND THICKEN. BY FIRST SUSPENDING EACH OF THE FLOUR GRANULES IN COLD LIQUID, WE ENSURE THERE WILL BE NO LUMPS. NOW THE SWELLING, OR GELATINIZATION WILL ONLY TAKE ABOUT 4, MAYBE 5 MINUTES. NOW THIS IS JUST ENOUGH FLOUR TO CREATE A NICE VELVETY, SOFT MOUTH FEEL, ALL RIGHT? IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY THICKEN THE GRAVY, OKAY? BUT, YOU KNOW, IF WE WERE TO USE ENOUGH FLOUR TO THICKEN THE GRAVY, THEN 10 MINUTES AFTER SERVING WE WOULD HAVE... GIBLET PASTE. THAT'S BECAUSE FLOUR IS HIGH IN A-- IN A.... WELL, COME HERE. AH, MY SISTER'S SEASONAL PIPE CLEANERS FROM HER CRAFT KIT. LET'S SEE IF-- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SAY THAT THESE STRAIGHT PIPE CLEANERS ARE A KIND OF A WHEAT STARCH CALLED AMYLOSE. AND IN A GRAVY, THEY SPREAD OUT AND THICKEN IT. THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN IT COOLS, THEY RETROGRADE... OR THEY LINE BACK UP, FORMING A VERY STRONG GEL-- THAT'S BAD. WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS TO INTERRUPT THAT WITH ANOTHER KIND OF STARCH, SAY AMYLOPECTIN, WHICH PREVENTS THE RETROGRADATION FROM HAPPENING SO THAT WHEN IT COOLS, IT DOESN'T GET SO STIFF. GOT IT? AH, SHE CAN CLEAN THIS UP LATER. WHERE, PRAY TELL, CAN WE FIND SUCH A MOLECULE? WHY, OF COURSE, INSIDE A TABLESPOON OF POTATO STARCH, AVAILABLE AT MOST MODERN MEGA MARTS. SO, ADD ANOTHER 1/2 CUP OF COOLED STOCK TO YOUR SHAKING VESSEL, ALONG WITH A TABLESPOON OF THE POTATO STARCH. CAP UP, SHAKE UP, AND THEN POUR INTO... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. NOW, IF I POUR THIS INTO A LIQUID RIGHT AT THE BOIL, ALL THE STARCH GRANULES ARE GOING TO GELATINIZE... BURSTING THEIR GOOEYNESS INTO THE GRAVY, WHICH WILL BECOME GLUEY RATHER THAN THICK. SO, KILL THE HEAT, AND STIR THE GRAVY UNTIL IT DROPS BELOW 190 DEGREES. OUR MEAL IS AT T MINUS 1 HOUR, 20 MINUTES, AND THE GRAVY BEGINNINGS ARE WELL BELOW 190-- SO WE WILL RETURN TO LOW HEAT, THERE WE GO, AND THEN ADD THE POTATO SLURRY, WHISKING ALL THE WHILE. AND FOLLOW THAT WITH... THE OFFICIAL HERB OF THANKSGIVING. ALSO ADD... SORRY, SIMON AND GARFUNKEL, THEY'LL BE NO PARSLEY HERE TODAY. BUT THERE WILL BE SOME KOSHER SALT, OF COURSE, BECAUSE I'M INVOLVED-- THERE YOU GO. THEN, LAST BUT NOT LEAST... ONCE IT COMES TO A SIMMER WE ADD... YES, THE GIBLETS. AND THEN TURN OFF THE HEAT, OKAY, WE DON'T WANT TO OVERCOOK THEM LEST THEY BECOME GRAINY. STIR UNTIL THEY ARE JUST HEATED THROUGH. MMM, DARN TASTY STUFF-- (Sid) GIBLETS! ARE HEATED THROUGH, MOVE THE GRAVY INTO A THERMOS UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO SERVE. AT THAT TIME, YOU CAN GO TO THE GRAVY BOAT, BUT NOT BEFORE. FOOD FANS, WE'RE NOW AT T MINUS 45 MINUTES. IT IS TIME TO EVACUATE THE TURKEY. I LIKE TO DO THIS WITH A HALF SHEET PAN AND A COOLING RACK, IF YOU HAVE IT. THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THE BIRD'S TEMPERATURE-- WE'RE LOOKING FOR 155 DEGREES IN THE DEEPEST PART OF THE BREAST, CARRY OVER WILL TAKE IT THE REST OF THE WAY. TURKEY LIFTERS COULD REMOVE THE BIRD, BUT I FIND THAT GRILL SPATULAS ARE FAR MORE ADEPT AT THIS TASK. JUST SCOOT UNDER BOTH ENDS AND EVER SO CAREFULLY MOVE TO THE RESTING AREA-- THAT IS WHERE THIS BIRD IS GOING TO STAY UNTIL IT IS MOVED TO THE PLATTER AND TAKEN TO THE TABLE. THERE, VERY NICE. OF COURSE WE STILL HAVE THE VEGETABLES TO WORK ON-- WE STILL HAVE SOME ADDITIONS TO BE MADE. SO REMOVE TO A SAFE SPOT AND ADD THE BREAD, THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND FINALLY, THE GARLIC, WHICH, BEING VERY SMALL, DOESN'T NEED TO COOK VERY LONG. BE SURE TO TOSS THAT IN WELL-- YOU ESPECIALLY WANT TO GET THE GARLIC WORKED IN THERE, AND RETURN TO THE OVEN, 350 DEGREES IS STILL OUR TEMP. T MINUS 30 MINUTES AND ALL IS WELL. IT IS TIME FOR OUR ROOT VEGETABLE PANZANELLA TO RECEIVE ITS FINAL DRESSING, AND THAT WILL COME IN THE FORM OF... WE'LL ALSO GIVE THE SALAD A LITTLE FINAL, FRESH, HERBAL HIT WITH... AND OF COURSE, IF YOU LIKE IT, BLACK PEPPER, AND I USUALLY DO LIKE IT. THERE. NOW TOSS UNTIL THE BREAD STARTS TO SOAK IN THAT GOODNESS, THEN YOU CAN MOVE THAT TO THE SERVICE VESSEL OF YOUR CHOICE AND JUST PARK IT ALONGSIDE THE TURKEY-- YOU DON'T WANT TO SERVE IT PIPING HOT. T MINUS 25 MINUTES-- TIME TO DRAIN THE POTATOES. PLEASE RESERVE THE MILK, WE'RE GONNA USE SOME RIGHT AWAY AND THE OTHER, YOU'LL WANT TO USE FOR LIKE TURKEY CHOWDER LATER ON. THE POTATOES USUALLY COME OUT ALL AT ONCE-- PLOP. NOW, HERE'S WHERE SO VERY MUCH CAN GO SO VERY WRONG. AT THIS POINT, ALL OF THE STARCH GRANULES IN THE POTATOES ARE SWOLLEN AND FIT TO BURST, LIKE VERY FULL WATER BALLOONS. EAT YOUR HEART OUT, DAMOCLES. NOW AT THIS POINT, OVERAGITATION WOULD BE A VERY BAD IDEA BECAUSE, UH, ALL OF THOSE LITTLE GRANULES COULD BURST, THROWING THEIR STARCHY, GOOEYNESS EVERYWHERE, A RICER. DUNGEON MASTER... WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING UPSTAIRS? OH, YOUR WONDERFUL, BEATIFIC, GOOD-SMELLING SISTER INVITED ME TO FEASTES. MARSHA INVITED YOU, HUH? I ALSO BROUGHT THE WINESES... A LOVELY CHAMPAGNE BUBBLYSES, FOR STARTERS, AND OOH, A SHIRAZ FOR THE TURKEYNESSES. WELL, THEY'RE--THEY'RE ACTUALLY BOTH WONDERFUL CHOICES. ALL RIGHT, SO THE RICER EMPLOYS A PISTON TO PUSH THE POTATOES... OR HAMSTERS-- OOH! I'LL GO POUR THE WINESES, HEH, HEH, HEH. THROUGH A SERIES OF HOLES, BREAKING THEM DOWN WITHOUT BURSTING ALL THOSE BUBBLES. NOW IT'LL TAKE A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME AND EFFORT TO RICE YOUR POTATOES, BUT THE RESULTING DISH WILL BE LIGHT AND FLUFFY, NEVER, EVER GUMMY. SIMPLE FILL UP WITH POTATOES AND THEN SQUEEZE DIRECTLY INTO THE SERVICE VESSEL. DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE GONNA GET A LITTLE BIT OF JUICE AND THAT'S OKAY. IT'S PROBABLY GONNA TAKE YOU ABOUT 3 MINUTES TO RUN THE WHOLE BATCH THROUGH, BUT YOUR PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED. THERE. NOW, SINCE WE DON'T CONSUME WHIPPED POTATOES EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, I WOULD ENDORSE CERTAIN AUGMENTATIONS-- SAY... AND 1 CUP OF THE RESERVED MILK, WHICH WILL ALSO SERVE TO HELP WARM THINGS UP. I WOULD ALSO ADD... BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT SALTED THE SPUDS THUS FAR. THEN THE FINAL TOUCH, JUST WHIP WITH A HAND MIXER FOR 15 SECONDS, JUST TO SMOOTH THINGS OUT. ALL RIGHT, 15 SECONDS, NO MORE, NO LESS. THERE, NOW WALK AWAY-- JUST WALK AWAY. (alarm going off) AND SO, WE REACH T MINUS ZERO-- WITH NO DRAMA, NO FUSS, AND NO... CRAZY BUSINESS. IT IS A MIGHTY FINE-LOOKING MEAL, EVEN IF NONE OF MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS DECIDED TO, YOU KNOW, PITCH IN AND BRING ANOTHER DISH. (yelling) COME AND... GET IT. IN THE FINAL MOMENTS, JUST LAY THE BIRD OUT ON A CARVING BOARD OR PLATTER, RING WITH SOME HERBS, GREENERY, AND MAYBE SOME CITRUS FOR AROMA AND FOR COLOR CONTRAST. SPEAKING OF CONTRAST, MARSHA, JR., I LOVE THAT SWEATER. MY MADE IT, AND, SHE MADE ME WEAR IT. (laughing) YOU GOTTA LOVE FAMILY. WELL, AMERICA, I HOPE THAT WE HAVE HELPED YOU WORK PAST YOUR DIEMELEAPHILIUSGRIUSPHOBIA, OR WHATEVER IT IS. YOU KNOW, A DELICIOUS THANKSGIVING FEAST REALLY HINGES ON ORGANIZATION, GOOD INGREDIENTS, SIMPLE COOKING TECHNIQUES, AND OF COURSE... (sighs) INNER CALM. REMEMBER, THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT GIVING THANKS AND WHAT I AM MOST THANKFUL FOR IS NOT LOSING THE LAST VESTIGES OF MY SANITY WHILE COOKING THANKSGIVING DINNER. NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA GO BASK IN THE GLORY. SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "GOOD EATS." (laughing) WHOA, WHOA,WHOA, WHOA. (dishes smashing)