Beavis and Butt-head S9E4 - English Transcript

[Helicopter rotors whirl] Okay, class, the purpose of today's field trip, which I'm conducting under protest, is to acquaint you with the potential careers in the U.S. army. Mm-kay? Now, according to their well-orchestrated propaganda campaign, this is the place where you can "be all that you can be." Hey! Uh, aren't there, like, more people in this class? - Yeah, where's the rest of 'em? - Huh-huh. How come they didn't have to go? Well, the evaluations made by the guidance counselor indicated that they would be better served by visiting Hewlett-Packard. Class, this is Second Lieutenant Decker, our guide today. Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. Mm-kay? No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit. Right, well, killing them with kindness. Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles. Yes, which are fired only in self-defense. Uh, sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the *** in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise. Hmm. Um, how 'bout we take a look at the barracks? Huh-huh. He said, "bare racks." [Both laughing] Yeah, the bare racks. Let's take a look at those. [Both laughing] Where's the bathroom around here? Uh, I don't know. Huh-huh. I think they call it something else in the army. Like the mess hall, or something. - Heh. - Huh-huh. Really? That's disgusting. Heh-heh. Uh, I think he said the mess hall is that way. - Huh-huh. - Heh-heh. [Techno music] Uh, is that deadmou5? Oh, yeah, he looks like Eminem without his mouse helmet. Heh-heh. Yeah, really. Huh-huh. Whoa, check it out. Deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned. Heh-heh. Uh, remember that time that kid at school died? - Huh-huh. - Oh, yeah, yeah, um, heh. Yeah, who was that? Heh. Uh, hmm. Was it Stuart? No. Stuart's still alive. We saw him yesterday. Oh, yeah. Uh, oh, we did? I usually don't notice. Heh-heh. I know daria killed herself. I remember that. Eh she didn't kill herself. She just moved away. Whoa! Really? Wow. Heh. That's kinda surprising, you know? I thought she killed herself. Remember when they sent that grief counselor to talk to us? Right after, uh, whatever-his-name-was died? Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. Yeah, he was cool. Heh-heh. He let us call him Rick. Heh-heh. Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards, and rolled up his sleeves. Huh-huh. You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti, too. Yeah. Heh-heh. Uh, that's kinda weird. - You didn't go, did you? - Um, maybe, um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and, um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge. Uh, are you just making this up? You never told me about this. Huh-huh. Now, see, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. They would say I made it up, see? Heh-heh. - Uh - Heh. Smart guy, that Rick. Heh-heh. Uh, okay, Beavis. Huh -huh. - You know, I think he can see into the future, too, because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple days. Heh-heh. And it did. You see that? Heh-heh. Amazing. Heh-heh. Heh. Hey, um, heh. General? Heh-heh. - Where's the bathroom? - Yeah. Huh-huh. I need to pee all I can pee. [Both laughing] Real funny, kid. Hey, Jim, I'm hittin' the head. Yeah, I gotta pee all I can pee. [Laughter] Huh-huh. I'm funny. [Both laughing] Yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah. Heh-heh. This room is off-limits. From the command center inside, our soldiers can control unmanned planes all over the world. Hmm. For for food drops, or Well, the army does have a popular phrase, "eat lead." So I guess you could look at it that way. How are things in the Kooshon pass today? Any terrorist activity? Nope. It's been pretty quiet, so I've been paying bills online. We're doing Tammy's birthday down the hall. - You want to get some cake? - Hell, yeah! I could use some R and R. [Yawning] This war is startin' to get to me. - Uh, drr drain central? Huh-huh. This must be the bathroom. Huh-huh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. - Huh-huh. - You know what I'm saying? Drain central. Yeah. Heh-heh. Whoa! Are these videogames? Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Heh. Me first! [Computer beeps] Heh-heh. Heh. Yeah, yeah. Heh. I hope this game is unrated. Heh-heh. That would be cool. Heh-heh. [Ominous music] Well, check it out. Heh-heh. I think this is Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with airplanes. - Cool. - [Both laughing] - Where are the prostitutes? Yeah. Heh-heh. Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first. Heh. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Heh-heh. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes. [Both laughing] [Sheep bleat] [Distant airplane] [Both laughing] Hey, whoa! Check it out. Heh. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. Bah! Whoa! Heh-heh. Damn it, Butt-Hole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. Huh-huh. Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. Damn it, Butt-Head, cut it out! ***. Oof! - Huh-huh. - I was here first. Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ***! [Beeps] Whoa. Huh-huh. This one's cooler, anyway. Huh-huh. This is gonna be cool. I'll show you how to find some prostitutes. Huh-huh. And four cases of M.R.E.S Hey, I thought you said we had three training drones. I only count two. Uh, just write down two. And for computer printers, put down five. I'm shipping a couple home to my mom. Heh. Now, how do I get back to San Andreas? Heh-heh. To find some prostitutes. Heh-heh. I'm goin' back to college. [Indie rock music] Uh, this is like those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at Ikea. - Huh-huh. - Oh, yeah. Heh. See, a bed shouldn't have instructions. Heh-heh. Except for like, "sleep." Yeah, heh. And "get it on." Yeah, really. Huh-huh. That's why I stole this couch. Huh-huh. Uh, remember when you were little, and your mom tried to lose you at Ikea? Huh-huh. Heh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh-heh. Yeah, she was like, um, heh. "Just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis." Heh-heh. "Everything's gonna be fine." Heh-heh. And then she couldn't find her way out, and she kept running into you again. [Both laughing] Oh, yeah, heh-heh. Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers. - Yeah, heh-heh. - Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot. [Both laughing] Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh-heh. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um, the fosters. Heh-heh. Uh, is that a lesbian or a Mexican? - Huh-huh. - Heh. You're not supposed to say those words, Butt-Head. Heh-heh. Uh, really? Huh-huh. Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words? Uh, oh, yeah. He said those words were like, "in-toler-ble," or something. Heh-heh. Uh, I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works. [Both laughing] Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. Heh. I mean, ah, oh, damn it. Heh-heh. Whoa. They gave a poopsicle to that kid. [Both laughing] Whoa. Heh. Hey, Butt-Head, check out my score. Yeah, heh-heh. I'm already up to 15 and 5,035 points. [Both laughing] I still can't find any prostitutes. [Both laughing] [Giggling] Heh-heh. Yeah. Heh. Yeah! Heh-heh. I didn't get any points for that? Oh, yeah. There we go. [Both laughing] Uh, this sucks! I don't have any bullets. How am I supposed to shoot prostitutes? Need an ammo icon. Yeah, heh-heh. Uh, okay. Huh-huh. I think I see one. Huh-huh. But remember, class, you still need to study, mm-kay? Because the basis for a successful career in the army is a solid high school education. I wish that were true. But statistically, we find juvenile delinquents make the best warriors. - This is cool. - Yup. [Both laughing] Look out, prostitutes, here we come. [Both laughing] - Oh, yeah. Space means like guides, juiceheads, gorillas. Sexy, tan, sweaty boys. Guides, juiceheads, and gorillas, oh, my. Huh-huh. So, like, um, what's the difference between a juicehead and a gorilla? Heh-heh. Uh, I think all juiceheads are automatically gorillas. But you can be a gorilla and not be a juicehead. Um, heh. Okay, but then, um, so are all guides gorillas and juiceheads? Uh, I think to be a ***, you have to at least be a gorilla or a juicehead, but you don't have to be both of 'em. Okay, so um, heh. Okay, so so everybody who's a *** is, um, either a juicehead or a gorilla, and then all the juiceheads are gorillas, but you could be a gorilla and not be a *** or a juicehead, but you could be two. Heh. Is that right? Heh-heh. Uh Yeah. Huh-huh. I think you figured it out, Beavis. Huh-huh. Yeah. [Both laughing] Now repeat it. Huh-huh. Um, heh. Okay, um, heh. Let's see, um, a gorilla and, uh, a ***, is not Damn it, I think I forgot. Heh-heh. So is snooki a gorilla? Damn it, Beavis! You've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. Huh-huh. What a waste of time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I need to watch them again. Heh-heh. So, like, where do you find the prostitutes? Huh-huh. Gym, tan, laundry. Gym, tan, laundry. Huh-huh. Whoa, heh. Is she on a leash? - Heh-heh. - Uh, oh, yeah. I think that's to keep her away from all the gorillas and juiceheads at the gym. Yeah, otherwise, she'd just go do 'em all. Heh-heh. Heh. She's like, um, heh, "can't seem to get to the top." They should've told her there was a juicehead up there. Then she'd climb faster. Huh-huh. [Rock music] Heh. My hair is getting stronger. My hair is getting stronger. Heh-heh. Oh, my God, I'm so itchy! Ow! I wanted to get, like, really, really dark. So I just decided to use lotion. I put a glob on my ***. It's so itchy, it's on fire. This feels good. Just your leftover lasagna. [Both laughing] You know, it's kind of, um, yeah, it's like, convenient, 'cause she has, like, you know, she has food. And some, uh, something to drink. Heh-heh. And her Ronald McDonald socks. Huh-huh. No, no, you're thinking of the hamburglar, Butt-Head. I have to poop. Tune in next week. Huh-huh. Will Snooki poop? Huh-huh. And if so, where? [Both laughing] Whoa, hey, check it out, a reservoir. Heh-heh. I'm gonna blow it up. Yeah, yeah. Whoa, heh. Somebody shot at me. [Both laughing] - Now I have bullets, Beavis. Huh-huh. This is cool. Huh-huh. Sir, we got a saboteur. A rogue drone just did a kamikaze into a school bus on the base. Let's do this. Uh, hey, Butt-Head, I'm getting kinda dizzy. And these planes fly too fast to get prostitutes. Heh-heh. Yeah. These army games suck. I heard somebody say something about birthday cake. Let's go get some. [Both laughing] - Yeah. Heh. [Warning beeps] What the hell? You're under arrest, saboteur! - Gah! - Oh! Oof! Stop, please. Ooh! Ow! Ah. Oh, why? Why are you doing this? - Uh, hey, Beavis? Huh -huh. I think I saw some nuts on your ice cream. [Both laughing] - I don't see any nuts. [Both laughing] Uh, well, they were there earlier. When you weren't looking. Huh-huh. - Mmm! - Huh-huh. - Mmm. - ***.