How to Join Team USA - Invade London

Hey beardlovers. Still in London. And I still haven't found my whale. But I've decided today to go right to the source. The reason this whole thing began. What set this whole adventure in motion. The reason I'm here! Hello. Mommy? I still haven't found my whale. I still haven't found my whale. So then after I was done crying on the phone to my mommy for a while, I decided to go right to the source of the reason that I'm here in London. Michael Phelps. You see, a little while ago, my whale, a mammal of the water, was good buds with another mammal of the water, Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps. Seriously, look at my old videos. They really were best buds along with David Hasselhoff. Seriously. Just look it up! Alright, so enough wading around... How do I dive into a convo with the Phelpster? Guess i shouldn't hold my breath. It's not like he floats around information to anyone other than his pool of friends. As if he just logs on to a livestream, waves and says, 'Hello entire world. At the stroke of midnight I'm gonna cap off the night at Dunkin Donuts. Maybe I'll have some cheesy dip.' Nah, this plan doesn't hold water. How do I wet his whistle without risking going off the deep end? I guess I just have to take the plunge. Rather than goggle from afar, I should start training. Be part of the rising tide of Olympic contenders. Then I could be kept abreast of Michael Phelps' whereabouts. Alright, enough treading water. I'm heading over to the Team USA house. Right here in London. Soak up some information. So I went to the Team USA house where they seem to be overly tolerant of graffiti. The coffee was done, though, and I loved it. Then I sensed something behind me. A presence I haven't felt since ... oh, it was just a picture of Michael Phelps. Jenn Suhr talked about winning a friggin' gold medal for woman's pole vault. And I was overcome with emotion. Then later I was overcome with emotion again because I found the free food bar. Then I went and ate some. At first I was very disappointed in these rowing teams until I realized this was a photo and not a window. Then I spotted something suspicious. What was that? The resemblance to the top of a whale was uncanny. And what's worse, it was being hunted. It seemed like Mr. Getty Images had some explaing to do. Very suspicious, Getty. You'll get yours alright. Or maybe I'll just walk away and forget I ever saw this. Then it was time to get talky with an Olympian. - My name is Chris Coleman. And I competed in four-man bobsled. - How could a 31-year old unathletic man like myself get into the Olympics? - You probably should have started about a good 10, 15 years ago. - Time machine. - Yeah, you gotta get into a time machine. Okay? - Okay. - Head back in time. Then start training hard. - So you're telling me it's going to be a lot of work no matter what. - There's no easy way into the Olympic Games. I'm sorry. - Have you hung out with Michael Phelps at all? - I have not hung out with Michael Phelps. - Okay. Because he's the one who's probably got the whale. So.... So if I was going to be on Team USA, I had to train. I headed to the nearest track to begin. What's my sport? Hurdles. Since I can obviously jump really fast to conclusions. Too tall. Too tall. Do a shorter one. Hmm. Might need a little work. YouTube sensation Hannah Hart showed me how it's done. I can't compete with that excellence. So then I decided to try the hurdles without hurdles. Also known as running. But I forgot to bring a pillow so later I got a sore neck. Geez. Who goes running without a pillow? I'm too much of an idiot for this event. So then I decided to try exerball. But before I did that I had to talk to the reigning contemporary exerball champion, Sean Klitzner. - The tip is don't suck. - Okay. Because then the air comes out of the ball? - Yeah yeah yeah. You want to keep them fully inflated. - Okay. I'm doing it. Three exerballs! - Oh. - Yeah! Five balls. - Yeah! - Yes! Exerball was a failure too. But if it's any consolation that's actually not a real sport. This was going nowhere. So I went back to talk to... - Jenn Suhr Olympic gold medalist in... - Pole vault Who should be helpful because... - Really? - I got about, I think, ten... ten and a half feet. How did you do? - I got about 15.7 Okay, pole vault isn't my sport either. New gameplan. - You, as a pole vaulter, have a unique high vantage point in London. because I actually... on my second to last jump, I thought I saw something. - What? Where? Was it in the stands or...? - No. He was, like, over beyond the stadium. - North? South? Which direction? - Like south-southwest. - Okay, I gotta go. And so the journey continues. Or should I say, To Be Continued...s. Or something. While I'm narrating, allow me to narrate at you that my band Driftless Pony Club has some shows coming up. One this Thursday in Chicago. Click on that picture to go to the website for more info. Wow. There's a car alarm during my narration. Also I've started a daily vlog on WheezyNews. Click on that to go to the first vlog. And you should check out these awesome people. Super Jackal Hawk Tiger Explosion. Team Wheezy Waiter. Super Jackal Hawk Tiger Explosion. Team Wheezy Waiter.