Tree Trippers

( theme music playing ) - MR. GRAY, GOOD MORNING. - Mr. Gray, Ari? YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO A LOT BETTER THAN THAT IF YOU WANT TO GET VINCE ON "SMOKEJUMPERS." JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU THE RESPECT THAT A STUDIO HEAD DESERVES. WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE, ARI. MAYBE IF YOUR CLIENT HAD DONE THE SAME ON "AQUAMAN 2" YOU WOULDN'T BE IN SUCH A DESPERATE POSITION. COME ON, HASN'T THE KID SUFFERED ENOUGH? ROASTING HIM ON A SPIT WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH SUFFERING - As far as I'm concerned. - REALLY? ALAN, I MEAN, COME ON. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND LEAD HERE. Vincent Chase is not gonna be the second lead nor the third. IN FACT, HE'S NOT EVEN GONNA BE THE TOOTHLESS WAITRESS WHOSE ONE LINE IS, "WE'RE ALL OUT OF BLUEBERRIES." Goodbye, Ari. Vince: WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE THIS LONG? WOMEN AND GAYS. IT'S TRUE. LOOK IT UP. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. "AQUAMAN 2" DID GOOD. YOU'D THINK HE'D GET OVER IT BY NOW. - HE HASN'T, SO WE HAVE TO MOVE ON. - MOVE ON TO WHAT? STEVE PARLES LOVED MEETING YOU. AND HE WAS SERIOUS ABOUT "BENJI." - OH COME ON. - NO, HE'S DEAD SERIOUS. NOW I DON'T NORMALLY SIT HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT AND READ-- WIFE AND THE KIDS ARE UP IN SANTA BARBARA, SO I DID. - Vince: AND IT'S GOOD? - IT'S "BENJI." - IN THE ARCTIC? - IS THIS BENJI THE DOG WE'RE TALKING ABOUT? NO, IT'S BENJI FRANKLIN WHO GOES TO THE ARCTIC, YOU IDIOT. - SO DID STEVE MAKE A REAL OFFER? - IS $3 MILLION REAL? - RUFF RUFF. - THAT'S WHY I HAD TO BRING IT TO YOU. - HOW'S THE SCRIPT, REALLY? - Ari: I CRIED. NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS CRYING BECAUSE OF THE SCRIPT OR THE FACT THAT I'M TRYING TO PUT YOU IN A BENJI MOVIE, BUT I SAT AT HOME ALONE LAST NIGHT IN MY BED AND I WEPT. ( sighs ) WELL, I GUESS I'D BETTER READ IT THEN. YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT, VINCE, BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS. AND IF YOU TAKE IT, YOU'RE TAKING IT FOR THE SAME REASON THAT MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA TAKE JOBS-- BECAUSE YOU NEED THE MONEY. WE'VE NEVER MADE A DECISION BASED ON MONEY ALONE. VINCE, I HAVE CASH TO TIDE US OVER. - OH, JESUS. - WELL, I DO. I HAVE A FEW SHEKELS PUT AWAY TOO, BRO. I CAN MAKE MY OWN MONEY. AND I TAKE CARE OF YOU GUYS WHEN YOU NEED IT. - NOBODY TAKES CARE OF ME. - APPRECIATE THAT, VIN. - ( car starts ) - WHAT THE ***? HEY HEY HEY, ***. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR CARS? - THEY'RE BEING REPOSSESSED. - WHAT? PAY YOUR BILLS, DEADBEAT. WHAT THE *** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU ***? VIN! SO WHAT'S THE ROLE? IT'S THE YOUNG VETERINARIAN MITCH KREEGER. WHO GETS TOP BILLING, VINCE OR THE DOG? - THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION, TURTLE. - IT'S LEGITIMATE. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DISCUSS THE DOWNSIDE. WON'T BE BANGING YOUR CO-STAR. IT IS A G-RATED FAMILY FILM. IF IT'S SOMEHOW "BABE" WE'RE GREAT. AND IF IT'S "GARFIELD" AND IT BLOWS UP LIKE BARRY BONDS'S SKULL WE'RE FINISHED. - I DON'T LIKE THIS. - HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO DECIDE? PARLES WANTS AN ANSWER BY MONDAY. LET'S GO TO VILLA, LOOK AT SOME NICE *** JIGGLE, AND THE ANSWER WILL COME TO US. NO NO NO NO. FORGET THAT. THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE FOR REAL ANSWERS. OH YEAH? WHERE'S THAT, JOHNNY? - JOSHUA TREE. - JOSHUA TREE? Drama: NO PHONES, NO BERRIES. JUST US MEN AND OUR SOULS. AND A BIG BAG OF SHROOMS. - THAT SOUNDS IDIOTIC. - NO NO NO, I LIKE IT. - ARE YOU IN, ARI? - FOR SHROOMING IN THE DESERT? NO, FOR BEING THERE TO HELP GUIDE US THROUGH THIS MAJOR DECISION. OKAY, I'M IN. GREAT. WHERE DO WE GET THE SHROOMS? ERIC ROBERTS, WHERE ELSE? - ( knocking ) - LET ME SEE THEM HANDS. I'VE GOT A SHOTGUN POINTED AT THE DOOR. YO, E.R., CHILL. IT'S DRAMA AND VINCE. I'M JUST PLAYING WITH YOU, JOHNNY. GOOD TO SEE YOU. HEY, VINCE, HOW YOU DOING? - ERIC. - HOW YOU DOING? - TURTLE. - HOW ARE YA? WELL, IF IT'S NOT AN *** WHO NEEDS WIPING, ARI GOLD. HOW'S IT HANGING, PLAYER? - OH, IT'S HANGING. - BEEN A LONG TIME, HUH? - YEAH, WHAT 10 YEARS, HUH? - ABOUT THAT. - HOW ARE YOU? - SOLID AS A ROCK. IN FACT, TAKE A *** SWING, GOLD. ABS OF STEEL. I'D RATHER NOT. - EITHER YOU SWING OR I DO. - OKAY. AND DON'T JEW ME ON THIS, GOLD. PUT SOME MUSCLE BEHIND IT. ( grunts, laughs ) 50 YEARS OLD, I'M STILL AN ANIMAL. ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO POUND THE STONE? - YOU WANT TO POUND THIS STONE? - NO NO NO NO. NO THANKS, WE'RE GOOD. WE GOT A LONG DRIVE AHEAD OF US. WE JUST CAME BY TO GRAB SOME OF YOUR FAMOUS MAGICAL FUNGI AND WE WERE GONNA ROLL. YOU'LL BE THRILLED TO KNOW I JUST HARVESTED A SWEET SWEET BATCH. - AWESOME. - SO WHERE YOU GUYS GOING? - JOSHUA TREE. - JOSHUA TREE? I LOVE THAT PLACE. PEACE, SERENITY, NATURE. SPEAKING OF WHICH, SAY HI TO MARK. - HEY, MARK. - HEY. SO WHAT'S THE REASON FOR THIS JOURNEY? I HAVE A MAJOR CAREER DECISION TO MAKE. OH YEAH? HEAVY. YOU KNOW, I LOVE OBSERVING PEOPLE IN TRANSITION. IT'S GOOD FOR MY WORK. WOULD YOU GUYS MIND IF I TAGGED ALONG? NO NO, YOU CAN COME. IT'S COOL. ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, VINNIE, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN MY CAR. THAT'S OKAY, GOLD. WE CAN TAKE MY ONE- OF-A-KIND WINNEBAGO. Eric: THIS IS QUITE THE RIDE, ERIC. THANKS. BACK IN '91 ME AND THIS BABY HIT EVERY ONE OF THE CONTINENTAL 48 STATES, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MONTANA WHERE I'M NO LONGER LEGALLY WELCOME. - ( laughs ) - SO WHERE WE GONNA SLEEP WHEN WE GET THERE? THEY HAVE LIKE A B&B OR SOMETHING? - HA! - HA WHAT? WHAT'S THE PLAN? YOU EAT THE SHROOMS, YOU TRIP, YOU LEAVE WHEN YOU COME DOWN. TRANSLATION: YOU'RE SLEEPING, YOU'RE SLEEPING IN THE DIRT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M GONNA BE TAKING SHROOMS, OKAY? LET'S COMPROMISE. I CAN GET US A PHAT HOUSE AT THE MADISON CLUB. WAKE UP, PLAY A NICE ROUND OF GOLF IN THE AM. - WHAT DO YOU SAY? - COME ON, ARI, IT'S MAN AND NATURE. YOU KNOW HOW MANY GOOD TIMES THIS CREW HAS HAD WITHOUT A REAL PLACE TO SLEEP? REMEMBER LAKE BARRINGTON? ALL WE HAD WAS SIX BAGS OF DORITOS AND SOME SLEEPING BAGS. AND DRAMA BROUGHT THE EXTRA BAGS, HE WAS STILL WETTING THE BED AT 14. LIAR. I STOPPED WETTING THE BED WHEN I WAS NINE. THAT EXTRA BAG WAS FOR WARMTH. YOU WERE STILL WETTING THE BED AT NINE? A LOT OF GREAT ARTISTS ARE LATE TO POTTY-TRAIN. I WAS HOUSEBROKEN AT 16 MONTHS. TRUE STORY. TRUE STORY, WE COULD BE AT VILLA TONIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO AT VILLA? THE ONLY THING I CAN DO, E-- FIND A NICE IMAGE TO WHACK OFF TO. - ( phone ringing ) - NO PHONES ON THIS TRIP, ARI. I NEED A DOG-SITTER, ***. MAKE IT FAST OR I'M GONNA CHUCK YOU AND THAT DEVICE OUT THE DOOR WHILE WE'RE MOVING, ARI. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, LLOYD? IT'S SATURDAY, ARI. I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF YOUR CONCERN. YOUR WHEREABOUTS ARE MY CONCERN 24 HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. - SO SAYS YOU. - WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT ON A SHOW TO IMPRESS TOM? - NO. TOM'S NOT EVEN HERE. - Really? - TELL HIM TO SUCK IT. - SHH. TELL HIM I HEARD THAT AND TELL HIM I WILL SEAL UP YOUR *** WITH CEMENT IF I AM DISRESPECTED. STOP IT, ARI. STOP IT. IT'S SATURDAY AND I WORK 80 HOURS A WEEK AND I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO THIS KIND OF TALK ON MY WEEKEND. YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. LLOYD, I AM SORRY, OKAY? THIS IS NOT WORK RELATED. I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR. - WHAT KIND OF FAVOR? - I need you to watch Lily tonight. - WHERE IS YOUR FAMILY? - AUNT PEARL'S 75th IN SANTA BARBARA. - And where are you? - I AM AWAY ON BUSINESS. WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS DO YOU HAVE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? I GOT NONE OF YOUR *** BUSINESS. I GOT A WIFE WHO THINKS I'M UNDER A PILE OF SCRIPTS - AND A DOG THAT NEEDS SOME LOVE. - WE HAVE PLANS TONIGHT. WELL, BREAK YOUR *** PLANS. I OWN YOUR ASIAN ***. I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FAVOR. IT IS A FAVOR TO YOU. A favor to keep you employed. YOU ARE A MANIPULATIVE MEANIE, ARI. - ( horn honking ) - ( women cheering ) IT'S KATIE MORGAN. YO YO, WHAT'S UP, LADIES? HEY. MY REGARDS TO TOM. CIAO. HEY, VINCE, ARE YOU COMING TO VEGAS FOR THE A.V.N.S? ACTUALLY, WE WERE GOING TO JOSHUA TREE. COOL. I DID A GANG-*** SCENE THERE LAST YEAR. YEAH? YOU WANT TO DO THE SEQUEL THIS YEAR? YOU GUYS SHOULD JUST COME TO VEGAS WITH US. - YEAH. - NOT THIS TIME, LADIES. - WE'RE STICKING TO THE TREE. - AW! OKAY, BUT IT'S GONNA BE LONELY OUT THERE. WE WILL BE THINKING OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME. YEAH, WELL THINK OF THIS. ( shouting ) LET ME GET YOUR NUMBER. THERE'S YOUR IMAGE, ARI. Lloyd: STOP BEING A BABY. I'M BEING A BABY 'CAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA HAVE TO CALL OUR FRIENDS AND CANCEL AGAIN. - IT'S JUST GAME NIGHT. - MAYBE TO YOU, LLOYD. BUT FOR SOME OF US IT'S A NIGHT WE LOOK FORWARD TO ALL WEEK. WELL, DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL EVERYONE? NO, I DON'T. I WANT YOU TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO SAVE THE EVENING. THERE'S NO WAY, TOM. - WHY DON'T WE DO IT AT ARI'S? - OH, PLEASE. COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT. IT COULD BE YOUR OWN PERSONAL "*** YOU" TO ARI GOLD. *** YOU TO YOU, TOM. THERE'S NO WAY. DON'T BE A ***, LLOYD. COME ON. ALL RIGHT, I WILL BE RESPONSIBLE. IF I DON'T MAKE THE PLACE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, EVEN MORE PERFECT THAN WHEN WE ARRIVE, YOU CAN TIE ME UP AND PUT ME IN THE KENNEL FOR THE DAY. YOU ALWAYS SAY I CAN'T. WELL, I WON'T FAIL, BUT, YOU KNOW, IF I DO... ARF! OH YEAH. THIS IS WHERE WE'LL FIND ANSWERS. EVERYONE OUT. PHONES AND BERRIES IN THE HAT. - EVEN YOU, ARI. - I'VE GOT KIDS, ***. YOU KNOW, YOU BRING ANY NEGATIVE ENERGY TO THE TREE, ARI I'M GONNA CRUSH YOUR LARYNX AND LEAVE YOUR ROTTING CORPSE HERE FOR THE COYOTES TO EAT. ( laughs ) WE GOT TO HANG MORE OFTEN, E.R. LET HIM KEEP HIS PHONE, JOHNNY. WHATEVER. YOU GOT THE BAG? BAGS-- JUST IN CASE. UNO, DOS. WE'RE GONNA TAKE 'EM RIGHT NOW? YOU WANT TO SAY A FEW WORDS FIRST? NO, I JUST THOUGHT WE'D SETTLE IN FIRST, YOU KNOW? E'S NERVOUS. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ONE FOR BABYSITTING, SO IF IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME, I'M RECOMMENDING HALF AN EIGHTH. - IT'S NOT MY FIRST TIME. - UH, YES IT IS. NO IT'S NOT. I ATE A STEM ONCE. YEAH, BUT YOU THREW IT UP 30 SECONDS AFTER. WHICH IS WHY I MADE YOU A PEANUT BUTTER AND SHROOM SANDWICH THIS TIME. - THANKS, DRAMA. - YEAH. YOU PACK A LUNCH FOR THE REST OF US OR JUST JUNIOR? YOU WORK FOR US, ARI. WE DON'T WORK FOR YOU. SORRY. Vince: ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT. NOT HERE. WHERE THEN? - HERE. - I LIKE IT. - ( laughs ) - HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT, COME ON. LET'S EAT. HERE WE GO. WHAT, PEER PRESSURE? FINE. ( coughs ) IT TASTES LIKE ***. - THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE GROWN IN ***, - OH. THIS YOUR FIRST TIME TOO, ARI? I THOUGHT EVERYBODY ATE SHROOMS IN THE '60s. - I WAS BORN IN '67, FATBOY. - OH. I NEVER WANTED TO DO A DRUG THAT MADE ME LOSE CONTROL. YOU DON'T LOSE CONTROL, ARI, JUST ALL OF YOUR STRESSES. EXACTLY. AT THIS MOMENT NONE OF US HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD. ( laughs ) - ( dance music playing ) - EVERYBODY, WELCOME. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING. IT'S COMING, ARI. IT'S COMING. FEELING ANYTHING, E? CAN WE PLEASE LET TURTLE FINISH HIS STORY? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS FIRST HAND-JOB. - AT LEAST IT WAS A JOB. - WELL, SOME OF US ARE INTERESTED, ARI. REMEMBER, THE JOURNEY BEGINS AT THE BEGINNING. SO, TURTLE, PLEASE, GO ON. ANYWAY, SHE WAS SLAMMING. I MEAN, EVEN VINCE THOUGHT SO. - REMEMBER, VINCE? - ( phone ringing ) LISTEN, I HATE TO MISS THIS, BUT IT'S THE WIFE. HOLD ON. HELLO. WE COULD KILL HIM AND NO ONE WOULD KNOW. - HELLO? - HELLO? - HEY, BABY, IS THAT YOU? - I can't really hear you. - CAN YOU HEAR ME? - Hello? - ARI? - YEAH, I CAN HEAR YOU, HONEY. HI. LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I think we're coming home tonight. YOU'RE COMING HOME TONIGHT? - Hello? - NO, HONEY, WHY-- HONEY, WHY WOULD YOU COME HOME TONIGHT? - HELLO? - HONEY? HELLO? ***. ***! - SHE'S COMING HOME TONIGHT. - SO WHAT? SO I'M HERE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. I DON'T HAVE ANY RECEPTION. Roberts: YOU'RE WALKING AROUND IN CIRCLES, ARI. I'M TRYING TO GET A SIGNAL. I UNDERSTAND. THAT'S WHY I WAS GONNA TELL YOU TO HEAD UP. - UP? - UP. I'D HURRY THOUGH. YOU'LL BE TRIPPING SOON ENOUGH. - CHRIST. - DON'T TELL HIM THAT. HEY, DON'T WORRY. YOU'RE FINE. IT'S A SLOW-ACTING BATCH. YOU'VE GOT 10, 15 MINUTES. - CAN HE REALLY GET SERVICE UP THERE? - I HAVE NO IDEA. ( laughing ) I THINK I FEEL SOMETHING. MAYBE IT WAS A FAST- ACTING BATCH. ( all laughing ) MAYA, GET OFF. MAYA, WOULD YOU LEAVE YOUR COUSIN ALONE? SARAH, COULD YOU DO SOMETHING? - LIKE WHAT? - ( phone rings ) - HELLO? - HEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? WHY ARE YOU COMING HOME TONIGHT? I'M COMING HOME BECAUSE YOUR SON IS THROWING A FIT. BUT IT'LL BE NIGHT SOON. ARI? HELLO? - IT'LL BE NIGHT SOON. - YOU JUST SAID THAT. IT'LL BE NIGHT SOON AND IT'S A LONG DIVE. YOU WAIT TILL MORNING. I WOULD LOVE TO. JUST GET YOUR SON TO AGREE. Let me talk to him. JONAH, IT'S YOUR FATHER. - ( crying ) HELLO. - Hey, buddy. LISTEN, DON'T CRY. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE DADDY CRY. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME. I KNOW. TELL MAMA TO TAKE ME HOME. BUDDY... I'LL GIVE YOU $100 IF YOU STAY TILL TOMORROW. - REALLY? - REALLY. - AND A TRANSFORMER? - YOU GOT IT. NOW WILL YOU STAY? - OKAY. - BUDDY... I LOVE YOU. I BUGGED CHEWY TOP. WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT? I SAID I LOVE YOU A LOT. - Bye. - BYE. OKAY, WE CAN STAY. ( blows raspberry ) MY HANDS ARE HUGE. WHY ARE MY HANDS HUGE? WHERE THE *** AM I? VINCE? OH NO NO NO NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. ( blows air ) BENJI. BENJI. BENJI BENJI BENJI. HEY, SAY IT. BENJI BENJI. NO NO, LIKE THIS. BENJI BENJI. - BENJI BENJI. - IT FEELS NICE TO SAY. MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN. THE SCRIPT FLOATS. MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN. - SHOULD WE READ IT? - NOW? I COULDN'T READ IT NOW. MAYBE E COULD READ IT. E CAN'T READ IT. THE ANSWER'S NOT IN THAT SCRIPT. THE ANSWER'S OUT THERE, HEY! ARI'S STILL OUT THERE. HE'S BEEN OUT THERE A WHILE. MAYBE HE FOUND THE ANSWER. I WISH HE'D COME SHARE IT WITH US. I DON'T. I LIKE US. WE SHOULD FIND HIM, THOUGH. Roberts: I DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE. IF VINCE THINKS WE HAVE TO MOVE, WE HAVE TO MOVE. I DON'T WANT TO MOVE. I WANT TO CREATE. DO YOU WANT TO MOVE, E? I WANT TO MOVE. ( wind blowing ) SEE YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE, KID. WAIT UP FOR ME. I'M GONNA PEE. I FEEL COLD. I DON'T LIKE BEING COLD. MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN. MAYBE WE SHOULD KEEP A LIST OF POSSIBLE SIGNS. E, CAN YOU KEEP A LIST? - Drama: NO! - JOHNNY! WHAT'S UP? I THOUGHT I PULLED MY *** OFF. OH, JESUS! IT'S OKAY. I DIDN'T. Vince: THIS WAY. Turtle: WHERE'S AHNOLD? HE'S RIGHT THERE. I'VE BEEN WATCHING HIM. THAT'S A ROCK. - REALLY? - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - AHNOLD! - AHNOLD! AHNOLD! VINCE! E! DRAMA! ANYBODY! LLOYD. LLOYD. LLOYD. ( cheering ) OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP. SO REMEMBER, THE CATEGORY IS FACT OR FICTION. - I WANT TO BUY A VOWEL. - ( phone ringing ) OH NO. EVERYONE, QUIET. - AN E. - IS THERE AN E, VANNA? TOM, IT'S ARI. SHUT THE HELL UP. HELLO, ARI. LILY IS GREAT. THE HOUSE IMMACULATE. I LOVE THE NEW FABRIC ON THE DINING ROOM CHAIRS. FABRIC? NO NO NO, FABRIC. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? OH GOD, NO. - ARI? - LLOYD? CAN YOU HEAR ME, ARI? YES, I CAN HEAR YOU. AM I NOT HEARING YOU? I'M FREAKING OUT, LLOYD. NO NEED TO. EVERYTHING'S FINE. NO NO, IT'S NOT FINE, LLOYD. I AM ALONE, AND I AM LOST, AND I AM HALLUCINATING. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I HAVE SEEN YOU, LLOYD? CAN YOU COME TO WHERE I AM? ARI, WHAT IS GOING ON? I HAVE EATEN SOME MUSHROOMS. MAGIC MUSHROOMS? I hate magic AND MAGICIANS, LLOYD. ONE TIME THIS MAGICIAN MADE MY WATCH APPEAR IN A BOTTLE OF BEER AND I DID NOT LIKE IT. ( whispers ) I DON'T TRUST MAGIC, LLOYD. OH NO, ARI. YOU SHOULD NOT HALLUCINATE ALONE. DON'T BE MEAN, LLOYD. THE FIRST RULE OF TRIPPING IS STICK TO THE BUDDY SYSTEM. Who is watching you? I HOPE NO ONE IS WATCHING ME. THE BIGGER THE SHOE SIZE THE BIGGER THE ***! - WHAT WAS THAT? - WHAT WAS WHAT, ARI? I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMETHING. WAS THAT THERE OR WAS THAT HERE? IT WAS NOWHERE. DON'T BE PARANOID, ARI. SHUT THE *** UP! NOW START FROM THE BEGINNING. HOW DID YOU GET YOURSELF IN THIS PREDICAMENT? IF WE COULD ONLY FIND ONE OF THEM, ARI OR AHNOLD, WHO WOULD YOU PICK? YOU CAN'T ASK QUESTIONS THAT CAN'T BE ANSWERED, JOHNNY. I COULD ANSWER THAT. AHNOLD. - WHY? - YOU CAN REPLACE AN AGENT. YOU CAN'T REPLACE A BEST FRIEND. WHAT IF WE COULD HAVE AHNOLD'S SOUL IN ARI'S BODY? THEN MY AGENT WOULD HAVE THE SOUL OF A DOG AND WOULD WANT ME TO DO "BENJI." HOW DO YOU KNOW AHNOLD'S SOUL EVEN LIKES BENJI? I DON'T KNOW. I JUST KNOW. UNLESS HIS RUNNING AWAY WAS A SIGN. WRITE IT DOWN, E. GOT ANYTHING YET, E? WHY ISN'T HE SAYING ANYTHING? YOU OKAY, E? "MY MOUTH WON'T TALK." TRIPPY. TOTALLY. - Turtle: AHNOLD! - Vince: ARI! - Drama: AHNOLD! - Vince: ARI! WHEN IS IT GONNA END, LLOYD? SOON, ARI. SOON. DO YOU SEE ANYTHING YET? JUST ROCKS AND DUST AND TREES AND TINY LITTLE GOBLINS. IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER WHAT'S REAL AND NOT REAL, ARI. YOU KNOW WHAT, LLOYD? I'VE ALWAYS MOCKED IT, BUT NOW I KNOW IT. YOU ARE CONFUCIUS. I THINK YOU'RE BECOMING YOURSELF AGAIN. NO NO NO, CONFUCIUS-- CONFUCIUS SAY ARI GO... - ARI-- - No no, come on. CONFUCIUS-- CON-- ( with mock accent ) CONFUCIUS SAY ARI GO... CONFUCIUS SAY ARI GO... GO WHERE? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY GO WHERE. ( owl hoots ) SOMETHING IS COMING FOR ME, LLOYD. NO, NOTHING'S COMING FOR YOU, ARI. NO NO NO, I'M SERIOUS. I JUST HEARD SOMETHING. ARI, JUST COUNT TO FIVE AND YOU'LL SEE IT'S JUST IN YOUR HEAD. - ONE TWO THREE FOUR-- IT'S COMING CLOSER. - ARI? I'M LOOKING AT TWO EYES, LLOYD. Ari, are you sure? OH GOD. OH GOD. ( with mock accent ) CONFUCIUS SAY, ARI, YOU ARE SURE? - POSITIVE. - THEN RUN, ARI, RUN. ( shrieks ) AHNOLD! WHERE ARE YOU, BOY? I CAN MAKE HIM LIKE ME IF I DO THIS. I LIKE YOU. IT WORKED. WHO DO YOU WANT TO LIKE YOU? EVERYBODY ALREADY LIKES YOU, VINCE. HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED DOES NOT LIKE ME. I WAS MEAN AND I DIDN'T DO "AQUAMAN 2." AND NOW I CAN'T BE A FIREFIGHTER. WHY ARE YOU SO ATTACHED TO THIS "SMOKEJUMPERS" THING? BECAUSE E FOUND THE SCRIPT AND IT'S GOOD. AND I WANT TO BE GOOD. AND I WANT US TO BE GOOD TO MAKE UP FOR THE BAD. EVERYONE MUST KNOW THAT E MAKES VINCE GOOD. YOU AND E REALLY HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL, VIN. E IS A TRUE FRIEND. WHAT DO I GOT? YOU'RE A TRUE FRIEND TOO, TURTLE. I GOT NO JOB, NO PURPOSE, - NO DOG. - OH, TURTLE. I HAVE NO E. E CAN'T TALK AND IT'S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT! - I CAN MAKE E TALK. - I WANT TO CALL MY MOM. MAKE E TALK, JOHNNY. OW! E, ARE YOU BACK? CALL YOUR MOM IN THE MORNING, TURTLE. OKAY, E. YOU DON'T WANT TO DO "BENJI," VINCE. I WANT A TRUE SIGN. I WANT TO FIND TURTLE'S DOGGY. AHNOLD! ( panting ) - Drama: AHNOLD! - DRAMA! LLOYD, I THINK I JUST HEARD DRAMA. CONFUCIUS SAY RUN TO HIM. DRAMA! Ari: DRAMA! AHNOLD? AHNOLD CAN'T TALK, TURTLE. MAYBE ONLY I CAN UNDERSTAND HIM. Ari: DRAMA! NO, I CAN UNDERSTAND HIM. HE'S TALKING TO DRAMA. - Ari: DRAMA! - THAT'S ARI. - ARI! - ARI! - ARI! - SOMETHING'S AFTER ME! OH MY GOD! AHH! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO *** FREAKED OUT IN MY LIFE. ( laughs ) I'M HAPPY! I'M EVEN HAPPY TO SEE E. THANKS, ARI. - IT'S AHNOLD! IT'S AHNOLD! - ( barking ) WHERE WERE YOU, BOY? WHERE'D YOU GO? - ( barks ) - BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN. - THAT'S IT. - WHAT'S WHAT? ARI. WHAT, VINNIE? NO NO. ARI, YOU'RE IT. NOW VINCE IS FREAKING ME OUT. NO, TURTLE, AHNOLD FOUND ARI. Turtle: YEAH? AND ARI FOUND "BENJI" AND THEY FOUND US. - E GETS IT. - Turtle: GETS WHAT? GET'S WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANS. HE MEANS THE TREE HAS SPOKEN. WE'RE DOING "BENJI." ( howling ) ( Ahnold howling ) ( all howling ) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE THESE, E.R. YOU LIKE 'EM? I LOVE THEM. ( chuckles ) YOU'RE STILL TRIPPING. YOU'RE NOT? ARE YOU GUYS? I DON'T KNOW. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S OVER? IT'S OVER. IT MIGHT NOT BE. WE MIGHT BE HALLUCINATING THIS. WE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HERE. NO, WE'RE HERE. ( phone rings ) IS THIS REAL OR IS MY WIFE CALLING ME AT 2:00 A.M.? YOUR WIFE IS CALLING YOU AT 2:00 A.M. HEY, BABY. EVERYTHING OKAY? - WHERE ARE YOU, ARI? - I'M HOME, HONEY. - WHERE ARE YOU? - I'M HOME. - I WENT FOR A JOG. - At 2:00 AM? YEAH, I COULDN'T SLEEP. WELL, HOW COULD YOU WITH 25 MEN FROLICKING NAKED IN OUR POOL? - Baby-- - ( dance music blaring ) I DON'T KNOW WHO'S MORE DEAD, ME OR *** LLOYD. HEY, E.R., I KNOW YOU HATE ME, BUT IS THERE ANY WAY YOU COULD DRIVE REALLY FAST? NOT MUCH FASTER I CAN GO, GOLD. SOMETHING HAS OCCURRED. LOOK. ( police radio chatter ) HOLY ***! WHOA. Drama: YOU THINK THAT'S THE VICTIM'S GIRL? GREAT RACK. I DON'T KNOW, GUYS. I THINK I AM STILL TRIPPING. SNAP OUT OF IT 'CAUSE I NEED FOR YOU TO COME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT AND DO SOME REAL ACTING FOR THE WIFE, OKAY? YEAH, SURE, ARI. BUT FORGET "BENJI." I'M NOT DOING IT. - REALLY? - WHAT HAPPENED, BRO? I DON'T KNOW. SUDDENLY IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT. YEAH, WELL I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT 'CAUSE I COULDN'T. SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW? WING IT. I'LL GET A JOB. HELP US OUT. TURTLE'S GONNA GET A JOB. IF THAT'S NOT THE BIGGEST SIGN OF ALL. LISTEN, YOU MAY BE DEAD AS A DOORNAIL RIGHT NOW BUT WE WILL GET YOU A JOB BEFORE TURTLE. THAT I'M SURE OF. - ( laughs ) - THAT'S GREAT, ARI. BUT GET ME "SMOKEJUMPERS." VINNIE, I GOT A BETTER CHANCE OF GETTING IN MY HOUSE TONIGHT THAN YOU DO OF GETTING IN THAT MOVIE. JUST TRY, ARI. I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING'S GONNA CHANGE. WOW, YOU REALLY ARE TRIPPING, HUH? ( rock music playing )