Night Court S2E16 - English Transcript

Anybody read the newspapers today? These aren't bibs, sir. [HARRY SIGHS] I can't believe it. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back. My whole world is just crumbling around me. Harry, what happened? Entertainment Section, Page 9. Little square in the bottom right-hand corner. "Mel Tormé reschedules New York date... ...to give command performance for the royal family." My God. I've had tickets for months. Sixth row, center. I wish I was dead. Hey, what a great day to be alive, huh? I guess he didn't hear, sir. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and IBM just doubled its pretax revenues. No kidding. That's great. - I stand to make a killing. - Hey, I didn't know you were a stockholder. Yeah, I got a share. One share? You're so cute. Well, I just like to dabble a little. Hey, don't dabble. Diversify, like me. I have leaseback arrangements on private jets. I've got foreign exclusions on Brazilian condos. My portfolio just topped 75 thou. And what time is the IRS audit? One hour, two minutes and 40 seconds. - You're being audited? - Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried, though, you know. I've covered myself pretty well. So that's a real receipt, huh? You know, I bet the queen doesn't even appreciate scat. You were mumbling about something, sir? Harry is upset. Mel Tormé rescheduled a concert. Oh, yes, the first sign of Armageddon. If anybody needs me, I'll be in the hallway... ...lying in a pool of blood. I have no reason to live anymore. That's never stopped me. Still thinking about Mel Tormé, aren't you, sir? - He just got married. - Isn't that nice? - I didn't get an invitation or nothing. - I'm sorry, sir. - I mean, we're not that close, but... - Sir. I sent him a dinnerware set. Well, I'll bet he appreciated that. Yeah, he sent me a letter back. See that? That's a genuine facsimile of his signature. Hey, Your Honor. Hey, Art. What can I do for you? I got a work order here for some graffiti eradication. Oh, yeah. Somebody carved some nasty things on that first bench over there. - Really? - Yeah. Some pretty rough stuff about David and Julie Eisenhower. Will they ever get any peace? Three, two, one. We have audit liftoff. Right now, Sy should be dazzling those IRS bumpkins... ...with his tax-loophole expertise. You really think the world of this accountant, don't you? I'd wax his Seville with my tongue if he asked me to. Next case, Your Honor, Herb Gilpin. Breaking and entering and destruction of property. What's the story? Uh, the defendant threw a sofa through the front window... ...of Madam Loretta's Fortune Telling and Spiritual Parlor. Got a little bad news, did we, Mr. Gilpin? The gypsy robbed me blind. I am not a gypsy. I am an independent spiritual coordinator. The woman is a cheat. She ruined my marriage, she stole my savings... ...she terrorized my wife. Don't, Herb. You'll make it worse. How can I make it worse, Norma? I'm flat broke and you're sleeping with voodoo dolls. There are spirits in the house, Herb. Well, if they wanna start chipping in for the rent, they can stay. Order, please. Obviously, there are extenuating circumstances here. Obviously? Madam Loretta persuaded my client's wife that there was trouble with their marriage. I never persuade, I reveal. The hanging man was in her fourth house. And the hanging man is gonna be in your house when I get through with you. - Mr. Gilpin... - And the choking man... ...and the bludgeoning man. - All right, that's enough. - I did it for us, Herb. - Us? The more, the merrier. Our marriage was in the toilet, Herb. It seemed lost. I wanted us to be happy again. I wanted peace, I wanted love. I wanted a Winnebago. Herb, Norma, it seems the magic you need is a little communication. There was a curse. - You really believe that, Mrs. Gilpin? - Oh, yes. Eight years ago, on our 20th anniversary, it happened. What happened? We stopped having sex. Let's see, tenth is tin... ...twentieth is bunk beds. That's right. So I was in a little slump. I don't understand. What do women want? They want magic, Mr. Gilpin. Simple spells you can weave around your own house. A whisper, a touch, a kiss for no reason. Herb. Voodoo, Norma. You squandered our trip to Epcot Center on voodoo. It's over, Mr. Gilpin. Right, Norma? What you're saying is that you make your own magic. Bingo. Mr. Gilpin? I didn't pay her enough attention. It cost me 13 grand. Fine. I'll give her attention till it's coming out of her ears. [NORMA CHUCKLES] Mr. Gilpin, the court finds you guilty and sentences you to one day in jail. One day? And you are hereby ordered to pay for damages. In light of your financial situation now, that sum shall not exceed $300. - Bull. - Come on. I'll be there when you get out. Lucky me. Call the next case. LORETTA: Three hundred dollars? You call that justice? I call it an outrage. - Look, miss... - You have done me great harm. Do you think I cannot appeal to powers greater than your own? Yeah, that would be the appellate court. Two floors down. You spit on the great souls? I spit on your justice. [SPITS] You probably should've waited till you got to the subway for that. - That's a $50 fine. - Patooie. Alrighty, make it 100. [SPITS] - Mac, you keeping a running tab on this? - Yes, sir. If she doesn't run out, we'll be able to afford that new paneling. Infidel! Hey, how about I give you one more chance to get a grip on yourself? [SPITS] - I take it that's a no? - Mm. Enjoy your stay. Contempt of court! I will not stand for this. You have incurred the wrath of the pentacles. I put a curse on this entire courtroom... ...and all who are in it! And just when things were starting to turn around for me. [PHONE RINGS] - Mac, that bell should've been turned off. - I did turn it off, sir. [LORETTA LAUGHING] Hello. Uh, Dan, it's for you. Bad news from the IRS. - Sir, may I? - Go ahead, make it quick. So, what if she's right? Not to worry. Sy has phony documents to back up everything. As for you, Madam Loretta, you've shown nothing but contempt for this court. To stand here and scream about curses. He's dead? Who's dead? - My accountant. - Your accountant died? In the middle of the audit. They were discussing my Schedule C when: I am just warming up. Bull, get her out of here. Bull. - Your Honor, I can't. - Can't what? I can't take Madam Loretta down to holding. Why? [THUD] That's good enough for me. ART: Anything else? - Not right now, Art. Thanks for helping us move Bull into the office. Hey, my pleasure. I'll let you know if he starts... I'll let you know if he starts clamoring for the men's room. Right. I'll park this baby right around the corner. Hey, look at me. [HORN HONKS] I'm Paul Newman. How's he doing, doc? Well, he can't move, but his vital signs are fine. His pulse is good, there's no sign of a concussion. Frankly, it's a little puzzling. Anything unusual happen before he collapsed? Just the curse. Of course. The curse. You made me tell him, didn't you? Doc, what do you make of this? Well, I've only read of one case even remotely like it. - Which was? - Snow White. I understand the IRS needs documented proof, Mr. Birnbaum. I'm telling you, he had it when he walked in there. Are you suggesting my accountant's integrity is in question? The man was a saint. I worshiped the ground he walked on. Then flop him over. Maybe they're underneath him. Hello? Hello? Doctor, is that all you can tell us? Without tests, yes. The fainting is explicable by any combination of factors. Hunger, fatigue, excitement. The paralysis could be an allergic reaction. Or possibly, it's psychosomatic. What do you suggest? Lift the curse. Dr. Fine, if that is your real name... ...that is advice I would expect from Madam Loretta, not a physician. Look, if he believes that she put a curse on him... ...maybe he'll believe in her lifting it too. It makes sense. Well, if there's no change in his condition in an hour or so... ...you get him over to the hospital and I'll run some tests. Rise. No charge. Mrs. Sanderson? Uh, Dan Fielding. Forgive me for calling at such an unfortunate hour. But only we who were closest to your husband... ...can truly share the grief that... Fielding. I'm sure I'm on his Rolodex. Yes, I know, it is a terrible time for all of us. That's why I had to know. When Sy left us, with so much ahead of him... ...so much to live for... ...did they find any papers in his clothes with my name on them? I do, and in return you should have a little respect for the living. Lose weight. I said that to Sy too. She's all yours, sir. Madam Loretta. Judge Swine. You kids have a ball. - Look... - I already know. The giant one is frozen on your couch. Sometimes I don't know my own strength. Lady, you know you're a phony. I know you're a phony. It's just that my bailiff doesn't know you're a phony. So in consideration of, say, a suspended sentence... You want me to lift the curse. I want you to pretend to lift the curse. If it gets Bull up and around, I'm all for it. Don't be so quick to judge things you know very little about, my young friend. Lady, now, I try to keep an open mind... ...but not so open that my brains fall out. You were born upon a Wednesday. I don't know. You do now. Look, Madam Loretta... You are very concerned about your health. Oh, come on, everyone's concerned about their health. I mean, that is your scam, right? You take the obvious... ...narrow it down a little, and feed them what they wanna hear. You doubt my powers? Fix the big oaf yourself. This is personal, isn't it? You just wanna see me cave in. Oh, the powers that be want to see you cave in. You know, you remind me of those monte tossers out on the avenue. You know those kids that will bet you money that you can't find the queen? Have you seen them where they take that game and turn it around... ...so that you've got the advantage? They'll bend the queen so that you can't lose her. There's no way to lose your money. But what I've learned is that when you've got that advantage... ...that's when you've gotta be careful. Because if you put your money on the bent card... ...then the queen's not there. Then she's over here. I mean, she's over here. I believe this belongs to you. And I believe this belongs to you. [CHUCKLES] Okay, you guys know what's going on? Yeah. I'm paying a drunk who's wearing newspapers for shoes... ...10 bucks to wait by the phone for me... ...while forced to watch something juvenile and embarrassing... ...to cure Bull of his delusions. Yes. Just checking. Hey, Bull. Don't get up. Ha, ha, just kidding. How's it going, big guy? What is this all about? I demand an explanation. Don't get your crystal ball in an uproar. You'll find out soon enough. Madam Loretta, fellow believers, welcome. What's going on? Bull, Harry's found a way to get you out of this. He got her to take the curse off? Nope. I am going to take it off myself. [LORETTA LAUGHS] Oh, this is nonsense. You don't have the power. Oh, no? HARRY: Ha. MAC: Ah, ha, ha. Your Honor, I hope this gets better. I hope this gets faster. Give me a break. I am in mourning. Mac, bring forth the ceremonial sacrifice. The Empire State Building. A symbol of all things really, really big... ...of all things tall, a symbol of Bull. You can say that again. And now the magic book. MAC: The magic book. Thank you, Nani Darnell. "O spirits of darkness... ...reveal to us your sacred presence." Somebody call me? DAN: Would you hit the street? BILLIE: No. Try that again. "O spirits of darkness... ...present to us your sacred form." DAN & BILLIE: Ooh! [DAN YAWNS] HARRY: "O spirits of the great beyond... ...I beseech you, bestow upon me the power... ...to rid this poor soul of his dreaded curse. In your name... ...I banish all evil spirits from this room." DAN: Ooh! That's it. I lifted the curse. Bull, stand. [BULL GASPS] [BULL EXHALES] [BULL GRUNTS] [BULL CHUCKLES] [HARRY GRUNTS] Hey, a thank-you note would have been plenty. Don't believe it. You don't have the power. Well, for once, Madam Loretta, you're right. Bull, I hate to tell you this, but... Let me, Harry. I'm better at explaining trickery and deceit. Bull, it was fixed. - Fixed? - It was a hoax. - Hoax? - Yeah, big guy. We just wanted to show you it was all in your head. Art rigged up a flash pot and some effects. He's hiding under the table. He pulled the building down there. Come on out, Art. Art, you can come out. - Art? - Sorry I'm late, sir. I got stuck in the elevator when the power went out. I think I got everything you asked for, though. Here's your magic flash powder, your comedy tubing... ...your novelty burning book. [LORETTA LAUGHING] Oh, I thought you could use a little help. Excuse me, do you mean that you? - Exxon's earnings, where will they level at? - Oh. May I be of any further assistance, Judge Stone? No, you're free to go. I knew you'd say that. Here. - What's this? - A phone number. It will soothe your troubled spirits. - Madam Loretta. - You're welcome. - Booga, booga! - Aah! Just kidding. [CLICKS TONGUE] Dan, you okay? Dan. Dan, I can't talk to hair. A receipt from the IRS? "Seventy-four thousand, 861 dollars. Paid in full. Thanks for stopping by." They took it all? Well, what did they disallow? Everything? Even contributions to charities? Yeah, right. What was I thinking? You mean to tell me you're broke? Wiped out? Flat busted? Bereft of funds? Oh, Dan, I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do... Oh, no, Dan, I make it a policy never to loan money to a friend. I hate you! You're ***! We were never friends! Nice try, amigo. I got it. I got it. The air was particularly dry. A wire from the ceiling lamp brushed up against a metal pipe... ...causing the explosion and flash. An unsuspecting janitor passing by, heard the noise, rushed in, saw the smoke... ...came into the room without our even seeing him... ...grabbed the model of the Empire State Building and left. Okay. Aliens took it. Billie, let's face it, I don't know how, I don't when, I don't know where... ...but somehow, Madam Loretta outfoxed me. - You still think that was a trick? - Had to be. If I can do something like that... ...she's certainly capable of performing the same illusion. Maybe, but... Oh, come on, you don't still think she has real magical powers, do you? No. Yes. Billie, I'm surprised at you. Harry, what about that phone number she gave you to call? What, this? That's probably some recorded message. You know, dial-a-curse, something like that. She said that it would ease your troubled spirit. Okay, I'm up for a good laugh. O ancient specter from beyond... ...reveal to me the voice that will soothe my troubled spirit. [LINE RINGING] [O VER PHONE] Hi, this is Mel Tormé. I can't come to the phone right now, but I'd like to know you called. So, uh, please leave a message at the sound of the, uh... [TORMÉ CLEARS THRO AT] [TORMÉ SCATTING] The beep. [MACHINE BEEPS] [ENGLISH SDH]