A Modest Proposal

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Weeds: Ignacio will watch over you for now. You helped Shane rob his teacher? I am so sorry that I exposed him to the world of criminal activities for the first time. I wanna open a store. Medical marijuana. I'm gonna want my cut. Can we have a second? We're new to extortion. I have nowhere to go. Do you think that you could allow me to stay in your garage while I figure out what the *** I'm doing with my life? Two days. I own a house here in Santa Playa. Did you just ask me to live with you? There's plenty of room. Even room for him. Me too. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I got the money. There's a lot. It doesn't matter. We could be more. I would like to try. Write him a note. Leave him a note. Like the olden times. Break his heart in ink. He will understand if he loves you. [♪♪♪] [SHOWER RUNNING] [CHUCKLES] These are terrible names. "Percy. [CHUCKLES] Clifford?" Who would name a son Humphrey? Yes. It's true. You always hear "Bogie and Bacall." You never hear "Humphrey and Lauren." [CHUCKLES] Oh. I've decided that, uh, we will get married. Ha. That is a prized family heirloom. Reyes means "kings." I don't know what Botwin means. Ha. This just isn't how I pictured this going down. Well, I am sorry to disappoint you. [♪♪♪] Oh. Purple. [LAUGHING] [CHUCKLES] Did you like the ring? Oh... It's hideous. Well, that's the championship ring of the soccer team I own. I'm gonna want that back. Are you really asking me? [CHUCKLES] [WHISPERS] Yes. [LAUGHS] Where was that? We're not children anymore, Nancy. We're not playing house. I ask that you give yourself to me to be mine forever. Mrs. Esteban Reyes. Would that make you Mr. Nancy Botwin? [CHUCKLES] No. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. I'll take a bowl of the best you got on the menu, s'il vous plaît. C.P., I'm trying to run a legitimate business. You don't have a prescription. Fine. I'll take it myself, boy scout. No, no, no, don't give me that look. I do the same thing at Pretzel Time. Come on, let's get faded. Uh, Blitt and I need to close early, uh, for inventory. Well, what's left of it. Right? SILAS: Right. So can you get faded somewhere else? I'm hurt that you don't wanna smoke with me, Silas. But, ah, I get it. What really hurts though, is that you've been light these last couple months. Happens again, we're gonna have a serious problem. ***-*** ***. See you. [SIGHS] SHANE: My name is in this book. "Shane: A feeling of guilt." Was I an accident? Who can remember? Honestly, I was hammered. You should get to pick your own name. At what age? If I'd given you that freedom at 3 your name would be Count Chocula Botwin. [CHUCKLES] You notice anything different? About my hand. Ha. SHANE: Oh. Yeah. He said he was gonna ask you. He told you? We had an hombre-to-hombre talk. Mucho respect. I'm cool. [SIGHS] You're cool? And you're guzzling coffee? Ignacio says it puts hair on your chest. Right. Spinach gives you instant muscles and an anchor tattoo. Yes. [SHANE SPEAKS IN SPANISH] Ah, Señora Reyes. Felicidades. [WHISTLES] Did Esteban tell everybody? Everybody except for Andy. You might wanna take care of that one yourself. [♪♪♪] [SHANE SPEAKING IN SPANISH] You wanna buy a Fresca with a credit card? [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] Estupidez, but es on the quiz. School doesn't teach nothing useful. You wanna learn español util? I teach you. Okay. Lesson number one. Ah! Common business transaction. Repeat after me. [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] What does that mean? That means, "Pay up, ***, or I crack your head with an ice pick." Heh. Nice. Sí. Can we ditch school? Yeah. [♪♪♪] What's up? My score, that's what. Three hundred and twelve thousand and counting. Look out, Abner Ashman. Coming to get you. Who's Abner Ashman? Guy from Queens. Holds the record Ms. Pac-Man high score. I'm only behind him, like, 600,000 points, give or take. Wow. Look out. Silas. I know I got a ways to go. I'm in this for the long haul. [SIGHS] It just-- It feels right, you know? She gets me. We're in sync. No words, just a gentle touch of my hand. I move left, she moves left. I move right, she moves right. Should I be worried here? Yes! Power pellet. Die, Inky. Die, Blinky! Come here, Sue, you filthy little ghost ***. I'm worried here. Don't worry about me, worry about you. I'm worried about both of us. You, because you're cracking up, and me, because the cop extorting money from me is cracking up. How much you got left? Of what? Uncle Yitzhak's lost fortune which fell miraculously into your hands. Right, that's how it happened. How much do you have left? Couple thousand maybe, if that. What? I thought you said there was like a hundred and eighty grand. Was. Look. Look around you. SILAS: Jeez. You blew all that money on this crap? This crap and General Lee. [HORN PLAYS "DIXIE"] Oh. ***'s sake. AUTOMATED VOICE: Please step away from the car. [HORN PLAYS "DIXIE"] Please step away from the car. [HORN PLAYS "DIXIE"] ***. God. Damn it. Why do I have to do this? Because you're the only one I could trust not to get turned on. Doug. Ooh, Doug. Thank God you're still here. I need a ride to the mall. No can do. Gotta dry. If I smudge, people will know it's fake. Yeah, that's how they'll know. I did. Conflicting engagement with Ms. Pac-Man. Well, have a nice walk to the bus stop. Christ, I need a car. My *** feet are killing me. Maybe if you wore your sneakers to work instead of changing into them there... CELIA: Sneakers are the footwear of my corporate oppressor, Isabelle. I thought you might as well be comfortable. Think it's comfortable for me to work at Super Sneakers? Well, it's not. But I will suffer for my beliefs. You wanna know who else did that? Jesus. I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks. Is she gone? Make sure you get it even. [CELL PHONE RINGING] Yeah. Hi, Andy, it's me, Nancy. I thought maybe you'd pick up this time, but you're probably really busy. I gotta say, it kind of sucks that you've been avoiding me because I miss you, despite what you might think, and I hoped that maybe by now you'd understand that I'm doing the best I can to deal with everything. Maybe that's asking too much. Oh, yeah, guess what. Esteban asked me to marry him. I know, right? No more Nancy Botwin. Mrs. Esteban Reyes. Mrs. Somebody-Somebody-Else. Isn't that weird? This is the part where I thought you'd laugh and make a joke about outlaws and in-laws and a fajita bar at the wedding. Anyway, call me, come and see me. Hope you're good. And please don't have a scraggly moonshiner beard unless you plan on starting a cult, in which case, go beard. Bye. [GAME ENDS] ***. Do I look even to you? I'm working on my tan. I found this George Hamilton autobiography in the ***. This guy's a *** genius. You know he doesn't live anywhere? His rich friends put him up wherever he goes. And he's constantly banging, like, Britt Ekland or Anita Ekberg. And you know what, Silas? I wanna be like this. And to be like the G. Ham, I need the tan, man. I need the deep, dark, savage tan. C.P. came by today. He threatened us because his take's been light. Of course it's been light. The *** guy's always around. No one's gonna wanna buy weed in front of bacon. Skeeves people out. Like midgets. He pulled a gun on me. Just messing around, but still. What a ***. Power corrupts, Silas. We need to fight the power. Great. How do you propose we do that? We ask ourselves, "What would George Hamilton do?" What? Why? The man slept with his stepmother when he was 12 years old. Clearly, he can do anything. [♪♪♪] [HORN HONKS] [HORN HONKS] [BOTH LAUGHING] [HORN HONKS] Okay. Next lesson. Greetings and salutation. Repeat after me. [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] Means "Go *** yourself in the ***." [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [SHOUTS IN SPANISH] [SHANE & IGNACIO LAUGHING] [HORN HONKS] This is fun. [HORN HONKS] Hey, *** you, man. No, this is fun. [IGNACIO LAUGHING] [♪♪♪] [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] What? [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [GOLFER GROANING] [GRUNTING] [♪♪♪] [DOOR SLAMS] You with the *** names. Yeah, new name. Comes with a prize. You like it? Turns out you were wrong. It wasn't Ms. Dead Puta *** after all. It was Mrs. Esteban Reyes. Though I might hyphenate. Botwin-Reyes. Just to keep my old self alive, being a modern woman and all. I'm impressed, blanca. You know, you remind me of my cat, Rosita. I use to throw her off the porch and damn if that little *** didn't land on her feet every time. Of course, then I threw her off the roof and she went splat. So why you come here? Invite me to the wedding? I wanted to share something with you. The other day my fiancé, [CHUCKLES] he said the funniest thing. We were eating breakfast-- He has brioche made for me every morning, it's my favorite. --and he said, "Mi amor, do you know that I would do anything for you? Do you know that I would even kill for you?" He just kicked. [CHUCKLES] And you know what I said? I don't know, maybe you asked him to kill some loco DEA agent? Did you do that? Because if that was you, then, gee, thanks, you did me a solid. Maybe soon we won't have this glass between us no more. You're not going anywhere. [DOOR BUZZES] [♪♪♪] IGNACIO: Hey. We had some fun at the driving range yesterday. What do you wanna do today, tennis? [GRUNTS] Hm. CELIA: Wait! Wait! God! [GRUNTING] God. ***! Ah. *** shoes. [POP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO] ♪ Have a great day ♪ ♪ Have a great day ♪ [SIGHS] ♪ Every possible way ♪ ♪ Have a great day ♪ Love your shoes. Thank you. I may work in casual but my heart is in couture. Heh. Oh, honey, I've been there. Raylene Reynolds. Regional sales director, You're Pretty! Cosmetics. Nice to meet you. Hop in, darling. You look like you could use a ride. How much weight can that thing hold? If that fat-*** costs us our security deposit... Growing up, young George lived by one rule: What? He'd get himself into trouble just for the thrill of weaseling his way out of it. I wanna be that weasel. Doug. Wait, no. Wait. Get out. Get out of my store. Right now. Get out of my store. I've had enough of you driving customers away, and *** me in the ***. I don't care, I don't take it in the back. Not from you. No more. I'm not gonna take it. You're making a big mistake, Wilson. Big. You know what else is big? My Johnson. And you can suck it. [GRUNTS] Oh! Oh, ***. What would George Hamilton do now, you ***? You gonna put on a Zorro mask and *** him? Oh, there you are. [NANCY SIGHS] I was gonna take a walk. I made it from the bedroom to the patio. God, I'm huge. [CHUCKLES] Not for much longer. No, soon I'll be a new mommy. Again. And married. Again. Again-again, actually. And you are ecstatic. Yeah. And beautiful. And radiant. What does this Mrs. Esteban Reyes do? Whatever she wants. I know I'm pregnant and hormonal, I just keep thinking this Mrs. Esteban Reyes person is going to kill Nancy Botwin. Why must you always think someone's trying to kill you? [CHUCKLES] It's just a name. I'm not marrying the name, I'm marrying you. You wanna be Nancy Botwin, keep your name. Really? I'm still going to brand you, of course, [CHUCKLES] [♪♪♪] Time to go fence. Have fun, d'Artagnan. See you next time. ANDY: Wow. This is... Got a pool and everything, huh? No peacocks, but I suppose they could be roosting. You don't look so good, my friend. Right on. Well, Ignacio said he thought Nancy might be down here, but, uh, she's not. You fence, huh? Tool. I fence a bit. You? I have no formal training, per se, but, uh, I was Ren Mar JCC light saber battle champ '79 to '82. That brings back some memories. [IMITATING LIGHT SABER HUMMING] So congratulations. Thank you. You're a lucky man, Esteban. Just thought I'd come down, give you and Nancy my blessing. Say there's no hard feelings. Hard feelings? About what? Nothing. Forget it. [IMITATING LIGHT SABER HUMMING] Tell me, what is that strange sound you're making? That's not how it's done in Mexico? You guys don't have sound effects? Well, if you care for a friendly bout, I will show you how it's done in Mexico. Oh, well, yeah. Heh. Yeah, all right. Yeah. En garde. [GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] [GRUNTING] Okay. [BOTH GRUNTING] *** it. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on? Oh, uh, Andy is giving us his blessings. So you and Esteban tying the knot, taking the plunge, buying the cow. Yeah. Seems kind of sudden. Well, it's not. Which you would know if you called back. Did you get my messages? I got your note. It said everything I needed to hear. [SCOFFS] A note, Nance? Seriously? A note? So is this what you want? Should have known. You always seem to get what you want. Uh, I wanted Judah to outlive me. Yeah. So my blessing, you want that too? No. Great and careful work, Nance. [SPEAKING IN HEBREW] I know the God part. What's the rest? "Blessed are you who has kept us alive, "sustained us, and, uh, enabled us to reach this season." [CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, Andy. I'm sorry that everything-- Don't, okay? Don't. And, hey, God bless. But when Esteban dies, which in his line of work will probably be sooner rather than later... When he dies and you're once, twice, three times a widow, don't expect Uncle Andy to stop by and make pizza eggs. Because I won't do it. You know what I'll do? Send a note. [DOOR CLOSES] [♪♪♪] What the hell are you doing? Trying to get this damn tan off. *** George Hamilton. He can Love at First Bite me. You are a sad, sad man. WOMAN: Esteban. [WOMAN SPEAKING ANGRILY IN SPANISH] [ESTEBAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [DOOR CLOSES] What the *** was that? We cannot get married. Excuse me? Things have changed. I'm sorry. [♪♪♪]