Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps S3E9 - English Transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink # I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now #Just think I'll wait a while # I have a pint of lager, please! # And a pack of flakeys # What are you writing? I'm writing things I like about carpets. So far, I've got "They're nice". - What you doing? - Listing things we need when we're married. What, like confetti, cigars, weeping aunties? - Weeping aunties? - Yeah. Crying-weeping, not leprosy-weeping. That would just be disgusting. Not things for the actual wedding day, things that people buy us for joining in the sacred tradition of holy blah-blah. - Isn't that greedy? - No, not at all. - Do you want to end up with five toasters? - Maybe I do. I might want to have a toast party one day. You won't. Not after the last one. If we make a list, we avoid duplicate presents. - What's on it? - Well, I've seen what we're short of and stuck it on the list. - Are we getting a monkey? - What? We don't need anything. We've picked up everything over the years including scurvy. - Everyone does it. - (SIGHS) What's on it, then? Have a look. A computer? What for? I don't know. I like pressing buttons and things that go brrrr-beep-beep-brrr! Yeah, me too. - What do you need a bread maker for? - Er, I like things that go bee-bee-boop! - Now, that's different. - We're having a list. - But everything is dead expensive. - I think you'll find it's not. Where are people going to find a Hear'Say album? You off out on the pull tonight? - Are you? Where do you go? - Oh, you know. Over here, over there. - What? Widnes? Liverpool? - No, I just mostly walk round the streets. - Where do you meet women, then? - Mum brings scrags round sometimes. - Women don't like being called scrags. - These ones do. Have you got a girlfriend? - Er, kind of. - Kind of? There's a girl who lets me touch her on a Friday night, but the police move her on now. Munch, you've got to get out there. I've tried that, and the police just move me on. Look, after work, have a shower, put a shirt on. I'll show you how it's done. - Gaz! - What? I know how to put a shirt on. You're getting me the Tupperware, then? Well, it seems like a cheapo thing to get you. Oh, don't worry. You're a student. You need your money for caffeine pills and dream-catchers and other studenty toss. Not for much longer. I've got a work placement shadowing a social worker. Watch out, misfits. I'm coming to get you. - Is that a social work motto? - Hello. I've got beer. Aren't I wonderful? Truly. We're going through my wedding list. You've not even set a date. The date doesn't matter. The presents are the important thing. That's why I have six birthdays. Well, there's a lot of It's a bit A coffin?! - Bagsy the Tupperware. - Yeah, right! Like you'd give me Tupperware. Ha. So what have you got me signed up for? - Well, how much do you pay in rent a week? - 30 quid. Some weeks, I get a discount if I don't wash or move. - How much do you get paid? - 150, take home. So if you save, you'll have enough for a washing machine or a freezer. - Yeah, but I need to live as well. - Donna, that's so mean. Well, what are you getting her? Tupperware. But I'm poor. I'm poor! I'm really poor. Sometimes I'm so skint, I have to steal from children in need, and I don't mean the charity. # 'Cause it's ladies' night # And I'm going out # To drink some beer and eat some nuts, eat some nuts # Jonny, what should Donna get us for the wedding? - I dunno. Nothing. - I can't get you nothing. OK a Scandinavian. I was thinking more like bed linen or towels or a fiver. Fantastic. Only could we have the fiver now? There's a Mars bar we've got our eye on. You and Gaz can go in together. That's true, I suppose. Gaz is getting us a tyre to put towards a car. Fine. I'll budget. I'll budget just like those thrifty Ethiopians. - Right. I'm off. - I'll come with. I've got some begging to catch up on, anyway. - Donna earns £150 a week. - I know. She's so mean. I know. If she didn't buy us beer and hand out *** all the time, she wouldn't have to scrimp. Yeah. And she's always sponsoring Africans, puppies and fat kids. - Should I go after her? - No. You stay here. I have some case study pictures of abuse and neglect from the '70s. Oh! You should see the clothes. Hiya! - Munch, I said wear a shirt. - I am wearing a shirt. You're never going to meet women if you're all half-man, half-shell-suit. Though Mel C did all right, I suppose. Maybe I like men. No, I caught you with that picture of Jamie Oliver and we talked, remember? - Disgust, not ***. - So shall I try it, then? All right. See them women? - Do they like me? - There's only one way to find out. OK. Oi! Women! Girls don't like being shouted at. Be more subtle. Like bending me leg round me head? Not supple. Subtle. Say you wanted this amazing pie - Are you holding back pies from me? - No. You're after this pie, right? But the pie's, like it's in a cage. Why? What did the pie do wrong? Nothing. Listen to me. You reach in very gently, so as not to disturb any security devices or snakes protecting the pie. What kind of pie is this? That's not important. Just remember to treat chatting up women as you would stealing a pie. Oh, OK. Oi! Women! Were you not listening? You're thicker than me. - It's really complicated, isn't it? - Not if you relax a bit. Just try smiling at them. OK. Not like that. You smile from a distance, right? If they smile back, you ask what their name is or whatever. - Right. - Remember, if their name's John, walk away. - What if they want a drink? - Buy 'em one. What if they want my drink? I couldn't handle that. 'Ere. Practise on her. She looks desperate. She looks like she went to school. I don't like the brainy ones. - It's only practice. - OK. D'you want to see me ***? - What do you think of the list? - I don't have a lisp. - No, your wedding list. - Janet's department, in't it? Wedding lists and cleanliness, I leave well alone. What do you want out of the wedding? Chocolate gateau would be nice. Other than that, I just want to marry Janet. That's nice. Every time I say that, a woman comes on to me. - Would you ask for expensive stuff? - No. I don't know anyone who can afford that stuff. A steam cleaner? - You can't clean steam. - That's exactly right. I'm skint and have to buy the biggest present. You're rich. You work in the bucket factory. Yeah, I'm on the machine between Richard Branson and Donald Trump. - I'm on minimum wage, Jonny. - Are you? I get more on Jobseeker's. I only do colouring in. You see? - Doesn't Janet know you've got no money? - Yeah, I think so. 'Cause I buy beer and ***, she thinks I'm loaded. Curse my generosity! Actually, curse the RSPCA for making me send them money. I never received my signed photo of that Dobermann. Couldn't you just make something for us? That'd go down a storm. "Congratulations! "Here's my representation of Easter in a shoebox. " - I might be able to help. - You'll lend me the money? No, you'd spend it on that Dobermann. - Then, what? - Meet me at Picot Farm Road tomorrow. I have a secret plan. - Oh, my God, Jonny. We're not - Shh! Didn't I just say it was secret? Hello, David. What was so urgent? Hello, Louise. Oh, God. Not again. Is this another woman you've slept with? Yadda, yadda, yadda. Louise, this is KP. She's my cousin from Widnes. - And by the way, she's deaf. - What? - Don't do that. It's not a joke. - You poor thing. (SHOUTS SLOWLY) Are you all deaf with no ears? Louise! I'm being empathetic. You're not. If you can't be normal, go home. I'm a social worker now. I have to be empathetic all day. I like to shake my thang in my time off. (SHOUTS SLOWLY) I like to shake my thang in my time off! See? I'm poor. Poor, poor, poor. - What? - My catalogue bills, bank statement All as red as a post box with a period. - This one isn't. - That's my savings account. My gran gave me that money for university. There's 200 quid in it. You're not going to university. You're as thick as me. I might. I might be looking into night schools in salsariziology. Come on! You're never going to college! Stop being mean. You're trying to make me feel bad. My best mate wants to ruin my happy day. Salsariziology! OK, fine. I'll see what I can do. - There you go. Don't you feel better? - Tons. - Oh, Don? - (DOOR SLAMS) Night school "Study salsariziology with Dr Martinino Salsarino. " Does she have to sign so loudly? Everybody's looking. She was just telling me about her ex-boyfriend. Total moron. She has boyfriends? - Yes, she has boyfriends. Why? - Because so do I. We've got so much in common. Oh, KP, did he dump you because you're deaf? Look, you're being embarrassing. Just talk normally. She can lip-read well. Hmph! Not if I do this. Hello, David. I'm bored and I want to go home. Stop that. Jesus, you're worse than her ex. No, I'm not. I'm very sensitive. And bored! You have to be a bit more considerate around my family. Why? What's wrong with the rest of them? Oh, God. The genetics! Oh David, don't walk off on me. Oh! I think I'm going blind! Isn't it cool? What else do women like? Do they like crocodiles? Well, they like it when you lie to 'em about their hair and clothes and their big fat ***. - I don't understand. - Say you're with a woman with a dress on. - What do you do? - Grab them. No, you'd say"You look lovely. " "You look lovely and pretty and beautiful. " Yeah, that's it. Just try saying it without spitting. No, hold on. I've got a better idea. Pretend I'm a woman. Wait, wait, wait! Don't grab! Just be nice. Compliment me. Go on. Oh, um You're a nice lady. Why, thank you, sir. Do you like my hair, perhaps? Yes. Can I have some, nice lady? No. See, you're offending me now. When all I wanted was some chocolates and bras. I've got Marmite. You can touch me shoulder in a flirtatious manner if you like. That would get me all dirty. Is your *** on your shoulder? I've searched for that woman, man. She doesn't exist. I think now you should probably offer me a drink and compliment me. (GIGGLES) Want a drink? I like the way you fix cars. Remember, lie to me. Flatter my worst feature. That always gets them. Oh, all right. Um Nice Gaz lady? Why, yes, gentle mister? You don't have a funny-shaped head at all. And now perhaps you could compliment my sense of humour, even though I'm a woman and don't have one. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like jokes, but the shape of your head is the funniest. Well done, woman. Oh, Munch. My lovely chap. You haven't even asked my name. It's Gaz. - How many women do you know called Gaz? - Four. Oh My name's Stephanie. (LAUGHS) - What? - Your name's got a *** in it. All right. Fine. My name's Melanie. Because your head's shaped like a melon? - You're not taking this seriously now. - I am. I've got to lie. - I'll go and practise. - We've got work. Where you going? - Meeting women. - You can't go now. The only women about now are eating from bins. (DOOR SHUTS) - Ready for the bargain hunt of your life? - Not talking about skips, are you? - I don't see an IKEA, do you? - Skips, Jonny? Those places where they keep syringes and condoms. - You're thinking of Courtney Love, but, yes. - It's filthy in there. - This is Janet's wedding list. - Keep it away. It's evil. All these things are things that people have to buy. - So? - So if they have to buy them, they have to throw them away. I admire your logic. Now let's leave. - Look, you couldn't afford a big present. - So? Why don't you get us the biggest gift of all? The gift of people's rubbish. This is bad. I can feel it in my thumbs. Welcome to the world of Jonny. - Jesus, Jonny! - Ooh! A Sally Army bin. We can find you something to wear. Quality! I'll give you some advice. Don't eat anything and don't sit down. - Why not? - Just trust me. What's wrong with these people? They're not like the last ones? - I'd hate to see another *** today. - Wendy? Wendy, it's me. I've brought you some ***. Louise, you wait in the kitchen. She likes poking people. Woman! Hello. Would you like me to social work you? Too bloody right, I would! - You live here? - A lot of the time, yes. But sometimes I live in the garden. And how does that make you feel as a person? I like your head. OK. Would you like me to lie? Women like that. - Er - Chickens have got teeth! - Would you like a drink? - Oh, thank you, but I believe you've dripped some disease in there, so Can I touch your bottom now? Look, give me a second. It's in my booklet somewhere. I find your advances abusive and threatening. Please desist at once. Cool! Are you a robot? "Please desist. Deactivate! Deactivate!" Why are you saying these words to me? Because I'm in love with you. - This isn't the way to pick up girls. - My brother said it was. He has a girlfriend. And once I sucked her toe while she was asleep. Look, I don't know if this is real social work, but I could help you. Really? My last social worker just ate all the Hob-Nobs. That wasn't a metaphor for something morbid, was it? "Metaphor! Deactivate!" You're funny. And you're stupid! I think that we should establish that you need a very special girlfriend. One with a *** on her shoulder? Ho-ho-ho! Merry Thursday. - Where did this washing machine come from? - I meant to hide that. It's from Donna. - She said she was skint. - Yeah. - She made me feel terrible! - That's what you wanted. Now she's trying to make me feel worse. - But - She's not getting away with it. If she can afford that, she can buy a bloody - Name something more expensive. - Er Stoke-on-Trent? - She can buy Stoke-on-Trent. - Don't you want to see what's in here? It looks like rusty old ***. Would I be right? In one way, you are. In many wonderful ways, you are not. - What is it? - You know your list? - Oh, God. - I, Stig of the Dump, have got everything. Don't forget little old me. Hey, Janet, why would someone throw a dead duck away? - What? - That's one of the questions I asked as my index finger went through its back. - Ooh! Look at this. - What's that? It smells of ***! Well it may look like ordinary carpeting, but if you roll it out We think it's blood, you know. Actual human blood. It's modern. OK, what else? Look, look. It's "Horse And Hound" over and over again. See? Art prints. You wanted pictures of dogs and horses. - Why have you done this? - It's what you wanted. I wanted you to buy things. I was going to feel terrible but then get over it and enjoy my new stuff. - We worked hard for this. - Well, take it back. No way. You're such a snob. You only work in a cake shop. We sell gingerbread men too, actually. They have Smarties on them. Well, whoop-de-do! Excuse me while I *** myself with envy! Look, leave her alone, Janet. She's worked dead hard. I'm scared of polythene, but Donna was right in there. Just leave. You're both stingy. - I'm off. - You can go too, Jonny. Someone probably has sanitary products you can use as a draught excluder. See, that wouldn't work. Mice are attracted to the smell Just go, Jonny. Leave me to clear all this junk up. God! Oh! Oh, my God! Hold on! (SLOWLY) KP, I bought you a pressie. Hiya! This is your new boyfriend. He's differently-abled too. He's poor. - Louise, this is really bad. Take him away. - Hey, back off, Skippy. Ah, they like each other! Look! She's getting away. God, Donna! (SNIFFS) You smell rank. Really? Usually, after a day at the tip, I smell of Häagen-Dazs and baby powder. - Where did you get that? - The wonders of the dump never cease! Jonny! Donna! Look what was in those boxes. - What are they? - Footie programmes. Loads. These are from, like, 50 years ago. And they're signed. - We're rich! I can get the whole list! - Martinino Salsarino, here I come! - These are from the 1950 FA Cup. - So? When Arsenal beat Liverpool 2-0. - They'll be worth a fortune. - To an Arsenal fan. - Shall we? - Yes. Let's. No, but my presents! # Walk on, walk on # With hope in your heart # And you'll never walk alone # You'll never walk alone # - Does Jonny go through secretive patches? - Is Gaz being all closed off? Sort of. Something's wrong, but when I ask him, he gets all snippy with me. Jonny I've found a lump. I've completely fallen out of love with Jonny. - What am I going to do? - Go to the doctor. I wanted to talk to you. - Well, that sounds serious. - It is.