Spamalot by John DuPrez and Eric Idle - Dialogue and Script

1. Tuning A FAMOUS HISTORIAN: Hello. Are you ready? SOUND PRODUCER: Yes.  A FAMOUS HISTORIAN: Then we begin. 2. Overture [instrumental] 3. Historian's introduction to Act 1 A FAMOUS HISTORIAN: England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons.  To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland.  In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague.  In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague.  In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence  and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.  Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.  A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest.  This man was Arthur, King of the Britains, for this was England! 4. Finland / Fisch Schlapping Dance COMPANY:  Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me! (VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES) MAYOR: Finland is the country where we dance Finland is the country where we play Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance In traditional Scandinavian vay! ALL: Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR: Schlip-a-schlap-a vay ALL: Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR: Schlap away all day ALL: Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR: You simply can't go wrong Vith traditional fish-schlapping song ALL: Finland, Finland, Finland MEN: The country where I quite want to be SOLOIST 1: Pony trekking- SOLOIST 2: Or camping- ALL: Or just watching TV Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me HISTORIAN (spoken): I said, "England." COMPANY (spoken in tandem): What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that 5. Monks' Chant/ He Is Not Dead Yet  MONKS:  Sacrosanctus Domine Pecavi ignoviunt Iuesus Christus Domine Pax vobiscum venerunt ROBIN: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!  LANCE:  Here's one. DAD:  I'm not dead! ROBIN: Here, he says he's not dead! LANCE:  Yes, he is. DAD:  I feel happy. I feel happy.  DAD:  I am not dead yet I can dance and I can sing I am not dead yet I can do the highland fling I am not dead yet No need to go to bed No need to call the doctor 'Cos I'm not yet dead MINSTRELS: He is not yet dead That's what the geezer said Oh, he's not yet dead That man is off his head He is not yet dead Put him back in bed Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead MINSTRELS: Well now he's dad You whacked him on the head Sure now he's dead It makes me just see red You are such a brute To *** that old coot You homicidal ***, now he's really dead Who is the knave who put him in his grave And who needs to manage his anger? LANCE: My name is Lancelot I'm big and strong and hot Occasionally I do Some things that I should not ROBIN: I want to be a knight But I don't like to fight I'm rather scared I may Just simply run away LANCE:  I'll be right with you Robin through and through and through So stick with me and I'll show you what to do ROBIN: We'll remain good chums You can teach me how to dance BOTH: We're going to enlist ROBIN: I'm Robin LANCE: And I'm Lance CHORUS: Oh we're off to war Because we're not yet dead We will all enlist As the Knights that Arthur led DAD:  I am coming too My name will be Sir Fred I'll be your musician  Cos I'm not yet dead CHORUS: Oh we're not dead yet To Camelot we go To enlist instead To try and earn some dough And so although We should have stayed in bed We're going off to war Because we're not yet dead LANCE:  To kill I will It gives me such a thrill ROBIN: To sing And dance And keep an eye on Lance ALL: We're going off to war We'll have girlfriends by the score DAD: We'll be shot by Michael Moore ALL: Because we're not yet dead 6. Come With Me  ARTHUR (spoken): Oh, Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real. DENNIS (spoken): Cor! Blimey! LAKER GIRLS: Ahhhhh... etc. LADY OF THE LAKE: Come with me Come with me Come with me Sweet Galahad You'll be a man Join Arthur's clan Come with me And I will make you glad Galahad Sweet Galahad Be a knight, It's time to take your vow If you come with me now I'll show you how DENNIS: Oh wow! ARTHUR (spoken): Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake  and her Laker Girls welcome your son to my army. 7. Laker Girls Cheer  ARTHUR:  I am Arthur King of the Britons And we're seeking men who are able. And so we're recruiting Dennis  To sit ant our very, very, very round table. Ready? GIRLS:  OK! K.I.N. G.A.R. T.H. U.R. Arthur K.I.N. G.A.R. T.H.  U.R. Arthur Arthur King Arthur King The biggest ad the coolest thing ARTHUR: Who's the King? GIRLS:  U.R. ARTHUR: Who's the King? GIRLS:  U.R. A.R.T.H.U.R. Arthur! Who is next to enlist? Dennis Dennis PATSY: Who is? GIRLS AND PATSY: Dennis The Lady of the Lake will make him a man If she can't do it- nobody can ARTHUR: Who will he be? GIRLS: G.A.L.A.H.A.D. G…A...L…A…H…A… MOTHER:  D 8. The Song that Goes Like This  DENNIS: Once in every show There comes a song like this It starts off soft and low  And ends up with a kiss Oh where is the song That goes like this? Where is it? Where? Where? LADY OF THE LAKE: A sentimental song That casts a magic spell They all will hum along We'll overact like hell For this is the song that goes like this DENNIS: Yes it is!  LADY OF THE LAKE: Yes it is! DENNIS: Yes it is!  LADY OF THE LAKE: Yes it is! DENNIS: Now we can go straight Into the middle eight A bridge that is too far for me LADY OF THE LAKE: I'll sing it in your face  While we both embrace BOTH: And then We change The key DENNIS: Now we're into E! *hem* That's awfully high for me LADY OF THE LAKE: But as everyone can see We should have stayed in D BOTH: For this is our song that goes like this! DENNIS: I'm feeling very proud LADY OF THE LAKE: You're singing far too loud DENNIS: That's the way that this song goes LADY OF THE LAKE: You're standing on my toes BOTH: Singing our song that goes like this! LADY OF THE LAKE: I can't believe there's more DENNIS: It's far too long, I'm sure LADY OF THE LAKE: That's the trouble with this song It goes on and on and on BOTH: For this is our song that is too long! LADY OF THE LAKE: We'll be singing this til dawn DENNIS: You'll wish that you weren't born LADY OF THE LAKE: Let's stop this damn refrain BOTH Before we go insane For this is our song that ends like this! 9. He Is Not Dead Yet (Playoff) LANCELOT: I don't know but it's been said GROUP:  I don't know but it's been said LANCELOT: We're off to war, we're not yet dead! GROUP:  We're off to war, we're not yet dead! LANCELOT: Become a knight and you'll go far GROUP:  Become a knight and you'll go far LANCELOT: In suspender's and a bra! GROUP:  In suspender's and a bra! 10. All For One  HISTORIAN:  And so, King Arthur gathered his Knights together,  bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table.  The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere,  the dasingly handsome Sir Galahad, the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,  Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,  who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.  And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show. SIR NOT:  Sorry. HISTORIAN:  Together they formed a band whose names  and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries...  The Knights of the Round Table. ALL: All for one One for all All for one And one for all BEDEVERE:  Some for some GALAHAD:  None for none ROBIN:  Slightly less for people we don't like LANCELOT: And a little bit more for me ALL: All round this Blightly land We are his mighty band Oooo King Arthur's strongest knights We are prepared to fight Whoooo-ever All for one Two for all Four for some  And free for all 11. Knights of the Round Table  GIRLS: Camelot The town that never sleeps It's Camelot! ALL KNIGHTS: We're knights of the round table We dance when e're we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impecc-able We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam alot We're knights of the round talbe Our shows are for-mid-able But many times, we're given rythmes That are quite unsing-able We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot (dance sequence) PRINCIPAL KNIGHTS: We're knights of the table Although we live a fable We're not just bums With royal mums We've brains that are quite a-ble We've a busy life in Camelot. SOLO MAN: I have to push the pram a lot. (dance sequence) ARTHUR: Ladies and gentlemen - The Lady of the Lake. LADY OF THE LAKE: Once in every show There comes a song like.......this It starts off soft and low And ends up with a kiss Oh, where is the song that goes like this? Goes like this? A sentimental song That cast a magic spell They will all hum along And we'll all overact, overact like hell 'Cos this is the song Yes this is the song Oh this is the song that goes.......like (Lady of the Lake - scats) (Arthur - scats) LADY OF THE LAKE: They're Knights of the Round Table ARTHUR: They dance when e'er they're able LADY OF THE LAKE: They're Knights ARTHUR: Not days, but Knights LADY AND ARTHUR: Not dawn, not dusk Not late afternoon But Knights of the Round Table Round Table Round Table Round Table ALL: Round Table Round Table Round Table So try your luck in Camelot Run amok in Camelot It doesn't suck in Camelot (spoken) WE WON! (sung) We're Knights of the Round Table We dance when e'er we're able We do routines and gory scenes That are to hot for cable We eat ham and jam We eat ham and jam and spam a lot ALL: (spoken) SPAMALOT! 12. Find Your Grail  LADY OF THE LAKE:  If you trust in your song Keep your eyes on the goal Then the prize you won't fail That's your grail That's your grail So be strong Keep right on To the end of your song Do not fail Find your grail Find your grail Find your grail Life is really up to you You must choose what to pursue ohh yeeeah Set your mind on what to find And there's nothin' you can't doooo So keep right to the end You'll find your goal my friend You won't fail Find your grail Find your grai-a-a-a-ail Find your grail COMPANY:  Find your grail Find your grail ARTHUR: When your life Seems dejeffed When we all need a lift Tell yourself you won't fail Find your grail Find your grail Life is really up to you You must choose what to pursue Set your mind on what to find LADY OF THE LAKE: And there's nothin' you can't do You can't do Dooooo!! COMPANY: So keep right (so keep right) to the end (to the end) You'll find your goal my friend  Find your grail! You won't fail Find your grail Find your grail Find your grail!! LADY OF THE LAKE: Ohhhh You'll find it! You'll find it! YEEEEAH! You gotta keep on Goin round!  Goin round! Cause I know  YEEEEEEAAAH! 13. Run away! FRENCH GUARD: Fetchez la vache! ARTHUR: Run away! ROBIN: Run away! LANCELOT: Run away? BEDAVERE: Run away! KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run Away! ARTHUR: Run away from the stench and the trenchies! KNIGHTS: Run away! Run Away! BEDAVERE: From these horrible, nasty old Frenchies! ROBIN: These frogs and their terrible prattle, are fighting a battle with cattle! LANCELOT: We're all full of fear so let's get out of here! KNIGHTS: Run away, run away, run away! FRENCH GUARDS: You English all are buggerfolk Your mothers all are ruggerfolk Your army is a bloody joke You couldn't beat an artichoke If battle you choose to renew We'll taunt you 'til you all turn blue We turn our *** as you part In your direction we all fart! *French National Anthem plays* FRENCH GUARD: Fetchez can-can dancers! ALL KNIGHTS: *To the tune of a can-can* Run away! Run away! Run away! Run-run-run-run-run-run away! Run away! Run away! Run away, run away! Ruuuuun a-waaaaay! Run away! Run away! ARTHUR: It seems like a helpful solution KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! ARTHUR: To avoid this French revolution! We're stuck in a nasty position Why don't you take a short intermission? Have a drink and a pee, we'll be back for Act Threeeeeeeee... LANCELOT: Two, sir! ARTHUR: Twooooooooo.... KNIGHTS: Run away run away run awaaaaaaaaay! 14. The Intermission [instrumental] 14. Historian's Introduction to Act Two  HISTORIAN:  Defeat, at the castle in Act I, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.  The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.  King Arthur and his knights fled for their lives,  and were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest... 15. Always Look On The Bright Side of Life  PATSY: Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best. And...always look on the bright side of life.  Always look on the light side of life...  If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing. And...always look on the bright side of life...  Always look on the light side of life...  For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. ARTHUR: So always look on the bright side of death  Just before you draw your terminal breath  Life's a piece of *** When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. PATSY: You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughing as you go ARTHUR: Just remember that the last laugh is on you. ALL: And always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the right side of life...  17. Brave Sir Robin  MINSTREL:  Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die,  O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils *** and his bottom burned off And his *** split... ROBIN:  That's... that's... er... enough music for now lads.  18. You Won't Succeed On Broadway  ARTHUR: Have you heard of this "Broadway?" ROBIN: Yes sire...and we don't stand a chance there. ARTHUR: Why not? ROBIN: Because...Broadway is a very special place,  filled with very special people,  people who can sing and dance, often at the same time!  They are a different people, a multi-talented people,  a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry sire, but we don't stand a chance. ARTHUR: But why? ROBIN: Well...let me put it like this. In any great adventure, that you don't want to lose, victory depends upon the people that you choose. So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news: We won't succeed on Broadway, If you don't have any Jews. You may have the finest sets, Fill the stage with penthouse pets, You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes. You my dance and you may sing, But I'm sorry, Arthur king, You'll hear no cheers, Just lots and lots of boos. ENSEMBLE: Boo. ROBIN: You mahve have butch men by the score Whom the audience adore, You may even have some animals from zoos, Though you've holes and krauts instead, You may have unlevened bread, But I tell you, you are dead, If you don't have any Jews. They won't care if it's witty, or everything looks pretty, They'll simply say it's *** and profuse. Nobody will go, sir, If it's not kosher then no show, sir, Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose! Put on shows that make men stare, With lots of girls in underwear, You may even have the finest of reviews. CRITIC: You're doing great! ROBIN: The audience won't care, sir, As long as you don't dare, sir, To open up on Broadway If you don't have any Jews. You may have dramatic lighting, Or lots of horrid fighting, You may even have some white men sing the blues! Your knights might be nice boys, But sadly we're all goys, And that noise that you call singing you must lose. So, despite your pretty lights, and naughty girls in nasty tights, and the most impressive scenery you use... You may have dancing mana-mano, You may bring on a piano, But they will not give a damn-o If you don't have any Jews! You may fill your play with gays, Have Nigerian girls in stays, GIRLS: You may even have some schizas making stews! ROBIN: You haven't got a clue, If you don't have a Jew, All of your investments you are going to lose! There's a very small percentile, Who enjoys a dancing gentile, I'm sad to be the one with this bad news! But never mind your swordplay, You just won't succeed on Broadway, You just won't succeed on Broadway, If you don't have any Jews! Arthur, can you hear me? To get along on Broadway, To sing a song on Broadway, To hit the top on Broadway and not lose, I tell you, Arthur king, There is one essential thing... There simply must be, simply must be Jews. There simply must be, Arthur trust me, Simply must be Jews. 19. Diva's Lament (Whatever happened to My Part?) LADY OF THE LAKE: What ever happened to my part? It was exciting at the start. Now we're halfway through Act 2 And I've had nothing yet to do. I've been offstage for far too long It's ages since I had a song. This is one unhappy Diva The producer's have deceived her. There is nothing I can sing from my heart. Whatever Happened to My Part? I am sick of my career Always starting second gear Up to here, with frustration and with fears. I've no Grammy no Rewards, I've no Tony Awards, I'm Constantly replaced with Britney Spears Whatever Happened to My Show? I was a hit, now I don't know. I'm with a bunch of British Knights, Prancing 'round in woolly tights. I might as well go to the Pub They've been out searching for a shrub Out shopping for a Bush Well they can kiss my *** It seems to me they've really lost the plot Whatever Happened to My I'll Call my Agent, Dammit Whatever Happened to My Not Yours, Not Yours, By My, Part! 20. Where Are You?  PRINCE HERBERT:  Where are you? Where are you? Where are you, my heart's desire? My heart is true, but where are you? Only you can quench the fire.  Where are you? Where are you PRINCE HERBERT'S FATHER:  Stop it! Stop that! Stop all that singing! PRINCE HERBERT:  I knew someone would come.  I knew that somewhere out there, there must be... Here are you! Here are you!  Here are you, Sir Lancelot!  PRINCE HERBERT'S FATHER:  Stop it! Stop it! Who are you? PRINCE HERBERT:  I'm your son. PRINCE HERBERT'S FATHER:  Not you! 21. His Name Is Lancelot  PRINCE HERBERT:  Lancelot you might as well just fess up Really you're a different kind of guy Move aside your scabbard For underneath your tabard There is waiting to escape a butterfly MEN:  His...name...is Lancelot And in tight pants a lot He likes to dance a lot You know you do LANCELOT:  I do? MEN:  So just say thanks a lot And try romance, it's hot! Let's find out who's really you. His name is Lancelot He visits France a lot He likes to dance a lot and dream No one would ever know That this outrageous pro Bats for the other team. PRINCE HERBERT: You're a knight who really likes his night life And by day you really like to play You can all find him pumping at the gym At the Camelot Y.M.C.A.! MEN/WOMEN:  His name is Lancelot La, la, la Just watch him dance a lot La, la, la He doesn't care what people say La, la, la LANCELOT:  No Way! MEN/WOMEN:  For when he starts to dance La, la, la Just grab your underpants La, la, la PRINCE HERBERT:  He can finally come out and say that he is G.A. ALL:  Y.M.C.A. ALL:  He's Gay! LANCELOT:  Ok! 22. I'm All Alone  KING ARTHUR: I'm all alone all by myself there is no one here beside me im all alone quite, all alone no one to comfort me or guide me why is there no one here with me on the long and winding road to lift my heavy load if there were someone here with me how happy i would be but im alone quite all alone all by myself im all alone PATSY: I'm all alone He's all alone All by myself Except for me I cannot face tomorrow He cannot face it I'm all alone Though i am here So all alone So very near No one to share my sorrow PATSY:  You know it seems quite clear to me Because i'm working class I am just the horses *** He sells me down the river So what am i, chopped liver? ARTHUR: PATSY: But i'm alone Oh no you're not! So all alone I'm here you ***! All by myself im all alone KNIGHTS:  He's all alone ARTHUR:  i'm all alone KNIGHTS:  All by himself ARTHUR:  All by myself KNIGHTS:  There is no one here beside him,  He's all alone ARTHUR:  So all alone KNIGHTS:  Apart from us, No one to comfort him or guide him ARTHUR:  Each one of us is all alone So what are we to do In order to get through We must be lonely side by side It's a perfect way to hide KNIGHTS:  We're all alone ARTHUR:  We're all alone KNIGHTS:  Yes all alone ARTHUR:  So all alone,  Each by ourselves  We're all alone. 23. Twice In Every Show  LADY: But you're not alone, Arthur! Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time! Who gave you the sword? Who made you king? Who helped you find the quest? Sure, I've been offstage for far too long But, we had that great lounge number in Act One. And, oh! We do scat great together! No, no, I'm no Patsy  But I am here to help you And I always have been! ARTHUR: And you really want me? LADY: More than ever! BOTH: Twice in every show! There comes a song like this! It starts off soft and low And ends up with a kiss. Oh, this is the scene That ends like this. LADY: Find the grail, Arthur! And when you do,  I'll be there Waiting for you! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 24. Act II Finale  ARTHUR: Lady, will you marry me? LADY: I thought you'd never ask. (Scene changes to the Vegas Drive-Up Wedding Chapel  and the Girls enter in short Wedding Dresses.) GIRLS: We are not yet wed And we're nearly at the end It is time that we Went and found a friend Is there someone who Can help us in out quest? We're already dressed Although we're not yet wed. (Enter the boys with top hats and tails.) MEN: We are not yet dead That’s the best thing to be said We are not yet dead So we might as well get wed Could it be much worse Is marriage such a curse? Might as well get married  Cos we are not yet wed (Wedding Match. Enter Lancelot and Herbert married. In great fasions.) HERBERT: So you see it’s all a show, happy ending and all And that just makes me want to sing… (They all look for Father but he doesn’t come on so Herbert starts to sing) HERBERT: When you’re lost On life’s trail  And you feel doomed to fail Do not fail Find Your Male Find Your Male That’s your Grail LANCELOT: Just think Herbert, in a thousand years time this will still be controversial. (Enter Robin, suitably dressed in white tie and tails.) ROBIN: And I too have found my grail. ENSEMBLE: What’s that? ROBIN: Musical Theatre! (singing) ROBIN: You can sing You can dance And you won’t soil your pants In your white tie and tail Find your Grail Find your Grail CHORUS: Hallelujah a Broadway wedding! (Enter Arthur and Guinevere married. Guinevere is in a gorgeous wedding gown.) ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE: CHORUS: So be strong Here comes the bride Keep right on. Here comes the groom To the end of your song Hallelujah GUINEVERE: Do not fail Find your Male ARTHUR: Dressed in вЂ�mail’ Find your Grail CHORUS: Sing Hallelujah they’ve found their grail. ARTHUR: Life is really up to you You must choose what to pursue CHORUS: A Broadway wedding GUINEVERE: Set your mind on what to find And there’s nothing you can’t do ALL: Go and find your grail ARTHUE AND GUINEVERE: So keep right to the end You’ll find your goal my friend CHORUS: Find you friend! ALL: Then the prize you won’t fail Find your Grail Find your Grail! FATHER: Stop that. Stop that. Stop it! No more bloody singing… (Lancelot whacks him on the head) CHORUS: For this is the Show that ends like this! 25. Always Look On The Bright Side (Company bow) ALL: Always look on the light side of life...  If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing. And...always look on the bright side of life...  Always look on the light side of life...  Company bow!