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(GIRLS GIGGLING) Alex. Yeah, buddy? Let me have one of your girls. Um, they're not really mine to give, Sammy. Wait, hold on. Is there something wrong with me? Okay, there's two girls, there's two guys. I have something they don't have. They have something I want You try too hard. What? ***. Actually, she kind of has a point. All you've done since we've been here is talk about how many pushups you can do. Eighty-five. Uh, Sammy, attracting women is like fishing, okay? You can't just dive in and grab the fish. You've got to bait the hook, dangle the worm. But ultimately, you kind of got to ignore them until they're ready to bite. Really? Yeah. Alex, I think you have a nibble. Oh, good! Hey! GIRL: Alex, I think you have a bite. (ALL CHUCKLING) Hey, I think I have a suck. (EXHALING) These practices are so long. I mean, we won on Saturday. Shouldn't we be rewarded for that? All this hard work today will pay off next Saturday. But winning isn't a payoff if it only leads to more work. Why bother? Pride. (LAUGHING) That's a good one. That's funny. What? Is that a book? Yep. We got midterms this week. Right. But we're football players. We don't take midterms. That's what the homework helpers are for. Gary. How's my math paper coming? It's good. The interesting thing about acceleration is the formula. It's fascinating Okay. (SHUSHES) Yeah. You don't need to teach me. Just get me a C. All right, listen up. Coach Daniels needs to see the following players in his office. (SNIFFING) We're failing? How is that possible? Wait, is this Gary's fault? Friggin' Gary. Moran, you're carrying a 1.6 GPA. (TIMIDLY) Yeah. Son, you got to at least take the tests. I take the tests, Coach. Oh, yeah, you do, Thad. And you got a 1.7 to show for it. Coach (ALL LAUGHING) Well, I'm glad you *** think this is funny. But it's my reputation on the line. It's my winning percentage. Because if you guys don't pass, you don't play. Now, I had to go out and kiss some ***, but I got all your professors onboard except one. Holmes. Oh, ***! Yeah, I know, you've got to go and you've got to take that test in person. Coach, can I ask you, what am I doing here? I got a B-plus average. You're gonna help these idiots pass the test. Can I say, "No, thank you, Coach"? No, you can't. Now get out of here. You're making this place smell like a dog pound. This sucks. See, I told you. Hard work leads to more hard work. So come on, teach me. You think you're smarter than me just 'cause you have a higher GPA? Well, newsflash, Shilo. You're smarter than him? Newsflash. It's a newsflash. (SIGHS) Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three Okay, great, Kate. Thank you. Hello, ladies! I'm taking a poll to find out what part of the man women find the most sexy. The ***, the balls or the ***? Ew! None of the above. Gross. Mmm-hmm. How can you be into guys and think all those are gross? Girls don't care about that kind of stuff. Personally, I like a clean-cut guy with a really nice body. I like guys that smell good and can make me laugh, but no body hair. KATE: Yeah, body hair is gross. Okay. So if a guy didn't have any of those things, which would you prefer? The ***, the balls or the ***? THAD: "Yea, O-E-D "O-E-D-pus" "Oedipus." "My so-very-reg-in" "Sovereign." I don't care about these words, team leader. And I never will. A waste of time. It's not a waste of time. MORAN: Actually, he's right. This is kind of a waste of time. I mean, I didn't come to college to study. SHILO: That's not the way it works, Alex, all right? We study, we pass the test, we play football. (WHISPERING) There's an easier way. This place is great, man. All this ***'s free. Free computer. I'm gonna go throw it off a bridge. SHILO: Thad, don't throw that. This is one test way too many. No, it isn't. MORAN: Yes, it is. What are you doing, man? Sit down. Alex, where are you going? Um, I'm gonna study with her. ***, if he's going, I'm leaving, too. You and your team leaderness can suck one. I never said I was the team leader. All right, let me Nerd. * Taking my chest hair off * So the ladies love me * Taking my pubes off (CLIPPERS STOP) (SCREAMING) Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) Professor Holmes, I'm Alex Moran. I'm in your, uh Your world lit class. I've never seen you before. Yeah, that's That's because I'm a football player. Ah, well, that would explain things, wouldn't it? Look, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. I don't want to study for your test. And I need to pass it so I can stay on the team. So I was wondering if there's some way we can, like, work it out. Peter, come on! Mother, what are you doing here? You promised me a movie. Mother, I told you this morning I had to cancel. I scheduled a meeting with students tonight. I know what's going on. I'm embarrassing you. (HOLMES SIGHS) You're embarrassed by your own mother. I'll just be over here, waiting to die. (COMPUTER CHIMES) GIRL ON COMPUTER: Hey, Professor! Christy and I got our bras tangled together. Can't wait to see you tonight. BOTH: Hello! So these are the students you're meeting up with? You better believe it. Well done. (GIRLS GIGGLING) Who are you and why are you here again? I'm Alex Moran and I don't want to study for your test. Listen, I'm free tonight. So, how about I take your mother off your hands just for a little while? (SIGHS) This is what loneliness must feel like. How does an A-minus sound? All I need is a C. Okay. Okay, Samson, well, we've got your *** all stitched up. Okay? Now, just remember that erections will tear the stitches. So you've got to avoid any *** arousal for the next couple of days. No ***? No. Starting when? Doctor, the patient in Room 3 is ready. (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) All right, all right. Oh, God! Get back down. Yep, yep, yep. (GROANING) You were right. That is how I found out raw eggs work as well as any *** lubricant, man. Just a happy accident. What's up, guys? We gonna meet up to study a little later today? Uh, we studied yesterday, remember? Eddie-*** Rex eats his mom or some ***. How can you teach me when I already know more than you? Seriously, man, be at the library at 6:00 sharp. Seriously, man, be at my *** 6:00 sharp. Oh! Can't learn that joke in a book. What's up with Sammy? Why isn't he staring at us? I don't know. Hey, Sammy. Is everything okay? Everything's fine. Don't talk to me, okay? Looks like somebody has a case of the grumpies. And you know what happens when a teammate is grumpy. Come on, girls. Sammy needs a hug. SAMMY: No, please don't. No. We love you. (CHEERLEADERS COOING) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (SIGHS) Okay, guys, let's crack open those books. Gonna be babes sucking hard *** bald. Damn it, time out, you just got butter in my eye, Larry. Whoa, whoa. What do we have here, man? THAD: Is that Moran? Who's he with, his grandma? Nice, two shows for the price of one, you know what I'm saying? (WHISPERING) Yeah. Sit, sit, sit. This movie sucks. I don't understand anything. Well, it's just the previews. Well, they suck. Okay. Um (CLEARS THROAT) How about I tell you what. I go get some refills for the soda I have everything I need right here. Come on, don't you want to show a nice old lady a good time? (STAMMERING) Patty, I Patricia, I really I think there's been a I'm tired of Peter always having all the fun. What's the problem? Nobody's looking. It'd be a plus if they caught us. It'd be more exciting. Ordinarily I would agree with you, but I really don't think that this is what Look, do you want the grade or not? Just be gentle. (CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Alex's grandma's got some mad hayjay skills. Look at that technique, man. It's like the grip of an orangutan. Okay, think of things that won't give me a ***. Sandwiches, nickels, the dictionary, mosquitoes, other people's *** (KNOCK AT DOOR) Please be my father. Please be my father. Please be my father. Oh, no! Is Alex here? No, Alex isn't here. Okay, bye-bye. Why are you kicking us out? For the love of God, do you girls have any idea what you're doing to me? Get out! But what if we want to stay? No. Yeah. We promise not to hurt you. (GIGGLING) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) Can I ask you a question? Sure. Are you at least having sex with these girls? No. THAD: Everybody, who is this? Hey, guess who I am right now. Oh, yeah, Grandma! Don't stop! Oh, yes! Your wrinkled hand feels so good on my ***. You saw that? Everybody saw that. When did you have the time to make a doll? Moran got a *** from his grandma in a movie theater. Thad Moran got a *** from his grandma. It wasn't my grandma. It was actually the lit professor's mother. And that *** got me a passing grade. So, have fun studying tonight. SHILO: Oh, wait a minute, where you going? Getting a beer. All right. Meet me at the library. Uh No. All right, who's ready to pass this test? I am. (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) My boy. (MOANING) (EXCLAIMS) Donnie! Mother? Mother, are you home? Mother? (HARMON MOANING) Oh, yeah. Yeah. What the hell are you doing with my mother? Getting a C? HOLMES: This is an institution of higher learning. You are the coach responsible for these little stunts and their behavior Nice going, moron. I had a deal with the professor. What in your right mind made you think that getting a *** would magically get you a passing grade? Shh! (MOUTHING) She is 83 years old, for Christ's sake. I'm at a loss for words. I really am. I mean, I've seen some sick, twisted *** in my career. I mean, I played for the Cowboys. But this is Shilo, all you had to do was help them study. You're blaming this on me? Hey! Okay, so now you're all gonna show up and take that exam tomorrow. And I don't know how, but you're gonna find a way to pass. Or else we can just kiss the season goodbye. ***. So what do we do now? I'm brainstorming here. We could kill the professor. I heard if your teacher's murdered, everybody has to get an A. It's the law. Yeah, Harmon, I don't think that's how this works. I've got an idea. Maybe we can make the professor sleep with his mother like in .Oedipus Rex. The professor's a creep. I know at least seven girls that *** him to get good grades. (EXCLAIMING) I got another brainstorm. We bone the professor. That's enough! I'm tired of this. We're gonna do what we should have done in the beginning. We're gonna study and we're gonna pass that test. We can do it. We're football players. We can do anything. You're right. Finally. Thank you. No, not you. Harmon. You're onto something. Who wants to do something crazy? (COMPUTER CHIMES) (GIRLS GIGGLING) GIRL: Hey, Professor! (LAUGHING) (BOYS MOANING) (EXCLAIMS) Eyes on your tests. (CELL PHONE RINGING) (ON PHONE) Ooh, she looks good, doesn't she, Professor? Who is this? Turn around. (LAUGHS) That's a live video feed. So here's the deal. You either give us all C's or my teammates are gonna screw your mom. Are you out of your mind? I'm calling the police. What are you gonna tell them? Tell them that your mom's having the time of her life with three young, hot studs? Or that you're giving out A's in return for sex with your students? MORAN: .They're gonna start screwing her, Professor. (GASPS) And then we're gonna broadcast it all over campus. (CHUCKLES) You're bluffing. Well (CELL PHONES RINGING) (MOANING) PATTY: .Very sexy, Harmon. LARRY: .Like butter, isn't it? Just give us C's, Professor. That's all I'm asking. In your dreams, you little worm. (SIGHS) You know, I was worried you were gonna say that. (PATTY MOANING) (MOUTHING) (MOUTHING) (BEEPS) SAMMY: Okay, guys. Operation Screw the Professor's Mother has the green light. HARMON: Don't have to tell me twice, man. Consider it executed. (PATTY MEOWING) (HARMON BARKING) (EXCLAIMING) Christ, they're not Are you getting this? This is awesome. Listen to me, you scumbag. (TUTTING) Camera rolling. (WHIRRING) Don't you dare. Just give us the C's, Professor. I'll have you expelled. Give us the C's. Never. And action. Oh! I told you, Peter. All I wanted you to do was take me to the movies. No! Oh, you're sick! You're all sick. Make it stop! Just give us the C's, otherwise this is gonna be broadcast all over campus. Fine, fine, you all get C's. Whatever you want. Just tell them to stop. Okay. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) PATTY: Oh, yes! SAMMY: Okay, guys. Operation Screw the Professor's Mother is over. Guys! Hello! Guys, Alex says (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) (ALL CHEERING) Yes. I got a C. I'm a *** genius! Yes! Yes! C-minus? I got a C-minus. You need to listen to me more often, man. (SIGHS) That Patty is a special old lady. I almost feel bad she won't be getting that kind of attention from us anymore. Thank you for the flowers, sweetheart. They're beautiful. Not as beautiful as you are, Miss Patty. They're not as beautiful as you. Oh! (PANTING) Yeah, oh, here it is. (EXCLAIMS) You are magical, Miss Patty. You are made of magic.
