In Living Color S5E14 - English Transcript

[Announcer] She wore a habit in Sister Act one and two. But you've never seen her quite like this. ! Oy. ! Hold on to your yarmulke. ! When Whoopi's in charge, anything can happen. [Singing In Hebrew And English] [Ends] Rabbi Clarence, uh, why have you chosen our synagogue? Rabbi Cl Oh. Oh, yeah, me, yeah. Well, you see, Made in America came out on videocassette and I wanted to just, you know, lay low for a while. [Announcer] She's going from dreadlocks to bagels and lox. [TraditionalJewish] [Ends] [Announcer] She's gone from Snoop Dogg to synagogue. Are you familiar with Rosh Hashanah? Yeah, yeah, Shawna. She lived on 175th Street. No, no, no. Rosh Hashanah. Are you familiar with our beliefs? Oh, well, Rabbi, I know all 11 commandments. Eleven? There are only 10. What is 11? Thou shalt not date a white actor who puts on black face. Ah, that's a good one. We'll keep that. I like it. [Announcer] Sister Act 3: This Ain't Kosher. Coming this Passover to a theater near you. - [Laughing] - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color - You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya How would ya How would ya f How would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete And all mankind danced to the exact beat [Echoing] And at night it was safe to walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan wan - In living color - You can do what you wan wan wan - In living color - You can do what you wan wan - In living color - You can do what you wan wan wan - In living color - [Turntable Scratching] - In living color [Laughing] This is Jennifer Moss, coming to you live from the Green Ridge Forest the center of a brewing controversy between wildlife conservationalists and loggers who would like to have this area leveled. With me now is Park Ranger Dan McDermott. - How ya doin'? - Fine, thank you. Uh, Ranger McDermott, these issues are highly volatile. Can you sort them out for our viewers? Well, Jennifer, it pretty much comes down to your spotted marsh goose. There's fewer than 900 of the geese left out in these woods. When these woods are gone you can pretty much plant a kiss on the *** of the spotted marsh goose. That would be a shame as far as I'm concerned because there's nothing more beautiful than seeing one of them big birds just take off out of the marsh in the mornin'. It would be one thing if they were hunting for food. But it's this senseless killing I got a problem with. Would it be possible to relocate the spotted marsh goose to another area, perhaps? Well, you can't just take out one element out of the ecosystem. You got your fly, your mosquito, you got your elm beetle. [Tarzan Yell] - [Thud] - You take the goose out, you're up to your eyeballs in bugs. That may be. Yet the loggers contend that the economy of Green Ridge is dependent upon the very clearing of the forest. Short term, you're talking maybe 150 new jobs. That's kind of a pain, if you're out of work. But the state also depends on its nature reserves and tourist dollars. You cut these trees back, they're not coming back. This is obviously a very touchy and sensitive issue. Loggers have been clashing with conservationalists here in these very woods. Have there been any outbreaks of violence lately? I ain't gonna lie to you tempers are flarin' high. We've been able to keep things civilized, but I can't guarantee it's gonna stay like that. So the loggers are not going to give up these woods without a fight. Miss, I'm from Green Ridge, and I know lumberjacks. They like to get liquored up and fight. They're Scandinavians and they're mean. Is the Department of the Interior close to making a decision in this matter? Well, tell ya the truth, we're not holding our breath. So you're saying you expect the federal bureaucracy to take its sweet time? [Chuckles] Well, does a bear dump in the woods? [Chuckles] Well, thank you, Ranger McDermott, very much. And through it all, the spotted marsh goose flies peacefully overhead unaware that their fate is being decided in Washington as we speak. For Fox News, this is Jennifer Moss, Green Ridge Forest. [Hip-hop Theme] [Announcer] From Compton, CA, it's The Gangsta Group a dope look at today's freshest issues. Now here's your moderator, Bushwick Bill. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! My name's Bushwick Bill and here's my little cohost partner, Chucky. Yeah! Yeah! N-N-N-Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Yo, yo. Welcome to The Gangsta Group. [Grunts] In the house! All right, with me today is my boy, Tupac Shakur Boss, Ice-T and from Long Beach, Snoop Doggy Dogg. Issue one. ! Violence in rap music. ! Too much? Tupac? You see, that's the thing. We're just a reflection of society, all right? Check it out. Suppose you order a pizza, right? And it's cold. You got cold pepperoni and cold sausage. You ain't gonna bust a cap in him? - Oh, I'm the only one who like hot pizza in here? - I tell ya what you should do. Hold him down, let your boys get a piece. [Shrieking] Ice-T? - Gotta shoot. - Boss? - Shoot him. - I say shoot him! Issue two! The Brady Bill! Five-day waitin' period for your handgun. Those thoughts? Snoop Doggy Dogg! Now, let's say, you know, like, you know, you get out the car, you know somebody step on my AirJordans, right? You expect me to, you know, wait, you know, days to kill the man? I ask you, you know, is that justice? You know what I'm sayin'? I don't know what the hell you're sayin'. Ice-T? That don't really matter to me. Right? I already got plenty of guns. You know what I'm sayin'? - Yeah, me too. - Boss. Man, it'll take you five days just to reach the doorknob at the gun store. Shut up, before I punch you in your kneecap. Next issue! Health care crisis. Ice-T? - Now, that's an important issue. - Uh-huh? 'Cause, I mean, like, just last week my homey, he shot two people and neither one of'em had health insurance. But I mean, you know, what are they supposed to do, just finger a brother? It's almost to the point where you're afraid to shoot people. I mean, not me personally. - 'Cause I will shoot people. - We know that, homeboy. ! Walkin' 'cross the street Pow! Pow! Tupac in town! [All Laughing] Not until we have universal health care in this country will you be able to be free to shoot anybody anytime you choose. Girl, you kinda cute when you *** on your chest. Chucky! Next issue! - Hillary Clinton *** or ho? Tupac! - ***. - All right. Snoop? - Ho. - Boss? - Ho. Ice-T! Aw, damn, see, now I'm gonna have to go with ***. You all wrong. In fact, Hillary Clinton is a skeezer! Right, Chucky? Yeah! Yeah! Next issue. If you could shoot, Bobo one white person who would it be? - Damn! Just one? - [Bill] Mm-hmm. White people are like potato chips, right? You can't shoot just one. Does the Supreme Court count as just one person? No, but the Olsen twins do and them little ho's is my choice. Next issue. NAFTA! Free trade with Mexico and Canada. What impact will that have? Snoop Doggy Dogg! I don't really be knowin', you know, what be up with Canada and Mexico, right? All I know is, some of them Canadians, like, be messin' with me, right when I be in my car, you know, chillin' and stuff, right? So I don't know, I just do what I will do. You been puffin' that chronic, ain't ya? 'Cause you ain't makin' no sense! Tupac! I'll tell you what about NAFTA. All it means to me is that I can shoot cops in three different countries. ***! ***! ***! - Boss! - [Sighs] Well, I mean, hey! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! All right, shut up, shut up. Only one minute left. Predictions! Tupac! I predict this year the cops are gonna insist on harassing me every time I bust a little cap in somebody's butt. I got a prediction Chucky gonna make a new movie! Yeah! Chucky! Snoop Doggy Dogg! I'm predictin' that my album will sell 10 million copies right, when I let this bazooka go off in a crowd you know what I'm sayin'? Boss, lady, come here, girl! I predict, Tattoo, if you try to touch my thigh I'm gonna blow out your other eye. Yo, yo, yo! Watch where you point that thing! Hey, hey, hey, shoot the ***, and you're dead! Don't be pointin' that thing, little man. Understand what I'm sayin'? Drop it, Snoop, or you're six feet deep. That's all the time we got for tonight. Little Chucky, where your gat at? Yeah, Chucky! I'll see y'all next week. Increase the peace! Pow-pow-pow! [Hip-hop Theme] - All right, we're clear! Can I have the props? - Thank you. I was playing golf yesterday, and there was a guy who looked just like you. - I thought it was you! - [All Chattering] Excuse me, I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Snoopy Dogg. It's your stockbroker. Oh, man, what's up? I. B. M. Dropped again? You know, I told him to keep his money in utilities, and he just doesn't listen! Listen to this ***. She's got six condos in Long Beach! Oh, you're flyin'! Who's a guy got to ***-slap to get a cappuccino around this place? I'll ***-slap you, Ice Cream. [Laughing] Someone take this damn doll out of my hand. Please! You know what? This Imperial Class is something else, ain't it? Yeah, I just wish I could enjoy it, honey. It's just this turbulence. I'm just not feeling too well right now. Excuse me. Did I hear you say something about the Imperial Class? - Because it is number one. - Okay. Thanks, man. Hi. My name is Frances, and I'm gonna be your flight attendant for the evening. - Is that okay? - That's fine. I'd like to tell you about our dinner specials. First, would you like something to drink? Yeah. Do you have any juice? We could go for some of that. Uh, we have some lovely, lovely juices. We have a freshly crushed Valencia orange juice - [Sighs] - Served in a tall glass. - It's frosted around the tip. - That's good. A slice of tangerine, put that on the side of that sucker sweet and tangy taste. - That sounds great. Grab me some of that. - You got it. Hey, excuse me, big man. Excuse me, brother. Kinda rainy in here. - Smells like the john? - Yeah. - Um, I gotta tell you about the apple juice. - No, you don't. - Uh, yes, I do, red. - Hey, man Hey, watch your mouth, bro. We took 50 different apples from 50 different states and came up with a combination of apple juice you would not believe. - Can I get just plain orange juice, man? - Sure, man. Excuse me. I'm going to have to tell you about our dinner specials, sir. And please don't razzle me. Look, Jimmie Walker, I've had it. In case you didn't know, your husband's not Denzel! Yes, I know. I'd like to tell you about the dinner special for this evening. Its a wonderful blend of Cajun chicken and crab meat. It comes in small cups. What we do is cover it sort of like a quiche, but we don't use eggs. We use a crème. A "chrème"? Well, look, man, forget the crème. My wife is sick. Just bring us some seltzer water. That's all we need from you. - I can do that. - Just crème your a over there and get me some. By the way, nice wig. You forget the chin strap? Ha, ha, ha. Do you believe that? Do you believe that? Do you believe that? Before we touch ground, you guys would love to know what we're having for dinner. I want to tell you about this really, really nice rice we have. It's from Louisiana, imported from Vietnam. It's a brown rice. It's wonderful. It's like Uncle Ben's uptown cousin. Fine. Look, Jheri curl, all we need is for you to get my wife something. Just bring an air bag for some sickness. - Are you sick? - Yes. Thank you. - Just give me one of these. - Excuse me, red! - Man, you need to - We have the unscented one. - Then we have the wonderfully cinnamon-scented one. - Oh! Uh-huh! - Or we have a transparent - [Vomits] Hey, buddy, this is Hey! [Screaming, Retching] [Screaming Continues] [Screams] Ladies and gentlemen, back up. I think she saw Aliens. I guess you don't cook. I just got this suit out of the cleaners, and you done messed it up. - I'm gonna have to bust you up. - If I were you I wouldn't come from that direction. 'Cause what I can do here is break the elbow from this point. Take it down, take his shoulders from the center, bring them around take his tray to an upright position and slam it in there. Are you happy now, red bone? Huh? Now, I have some choices from this point. I can take my knuckles and put them to the side of his temple or I can take our unkind guest to an exit. I have choices here, here, or to the front. You know what I choose? - What do you choose, man? - The front! What I'm going to do is take the door from here unlatch it and kick this sucker open. Now, as you can see I open the door and we're cruising at an altitude of 40,000 feet. I can throw his *** out of this plane like the white man in Passenger 57 or I can close the door and finish the damn dinner specials. I'll listen, man! I'll listen! Come here, baby! Honey, over here! How do I look? Now, we have a Pop-Tart salad which is delicious. [Man Rapping] [Continues] [Ends] [Growling] [Whistle Tweeting] All right. Real good. Real nice. Looks like he's gonna make a real fine police dog. Good boy, Lucky. All right, Mr. Sullivan, we'll be in touch. You can just step right out. All right. Bring in the next applicant, Mr. Corn Bread Turner. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Turner. Animal homicides are handled by the A. S. P. C. A. Aw, that's all right. We're already down with O. P. P. Well, I'll beJohn Brown! You Goober's boy, ain't ya? - No, sir. - I remember when that train ran into ya. Cut ya clean in half. Split ya wide open like a hot link. - Hot link? - Drug ya all the way down to Chattanooga. But you made good time, though. I often wondered how they put the legs back on your ***. Sir, I'm afraid your dog is not exactly the animal we're looking for. But thanks for coming. We appreciate your support. Get a doughnut on your way out. You just tryin' to keep Duke down 'cause he's a black dog! Black dog ain't never allowed to have nothin'. ! You cops are gonna do 'im like you did that Rodney King fella. Anybody got a video camera up in here? All right. Hold on. Let's give the dog a tryout. Hear that, Duke? You gonna get your chance. All right. What's the dog's name? Well, his real name is JeremyJolly Rancher Remington Steele Louie Cadbury the third to the fourth power. But he'll But he'll just lay there like a worm on a pancake less'n you call him "Duke. " Whoa! Hey, boy! Duke, now Hey! Please! Enough! Well, I'll beJohn Brown! I'll beJohn Brown. - You Doc Pepper's boy, ain't ya? - No, I'm not. Always knew you was gon' be a police officer, 'cause you liked guns. I remember that time you had that. 38 blew the back of your head off. You looked like a *** piñata. I tell ya, Jolly Ranchers was coming out your head crumb cake on down your back. But they put your head together back well. Mr. Turner! We got two suitcases here. One of them has two pounds of marijuana in it. It's Duke's job to find out which one has it in there. Can he do that? Come on, Duke. Sniff out the devil's weed. You got a keen nose. [Singing] Well, thank you for your time, but as you can clearly see I'll be dog Here's the chronic right here! - What the hell? - Straight chronic. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Officer Pratt, isn't that your bag? Bummer. The dead dog narced me out. Drug dealer! Drug-dealin' thief! That's ***! This kind of thing makes me want to retch. Mr. Turner Mr. Turner, you haven't smoked any of that stuff, have ya? - No, sir. I haven't. - All right. I'll grant you one thing. Your dog did find the marijuana. But police work for a dog is very dangerous. You dog might be killed Well, he could be seriously hurt Well, bad things might happen to him. You ain't got to worry about Duke, 'cause Duke ain't afraid of nothin'. Boo! Yes, he seems very calm. But a police dog has to be vicious. He has to be able to attack on command. He has to be able to disable a suspect immediately. That's the kind of dog we're looking for. That ain't no problem! Go ahead! Sic 'im, Duke! Now, look out, Duke! - Get 'im, Duke! - Mr. Turner! - Mr. Turner. ! Mr. Turner. ! - [Imitates Barking] Mr. Turner. That's pathetic. Would you stop, please? A dog has to be able to disable a suspect immediately. Duke couldn't disable his own bowels. Disable? Is that all you want him to do? Come on, Duke. Show him some of them Hong Kong Phooey moves! Look out! Get 'im, Duke! There you go! Get on him, Duke! Subdue 'im, baby! - Get it off me! - There you go! Well, I'll beJohn Brown. - You Carl's Jr. 's boy, ain't ya? - No. ! I like what you did with that chicken sandwich. I'll never forget, the day you was born you was stillborn when you was born. I said get that thing off me! What you tryin' to do to Duke? - Oh! Oh! Oh! - [Gunshots] Look what you done done! You done killed Duke! I'll beJohn Brown. Don't go into the light, Duke! Don't go into the light, baby. Don't go into the light! Don't go into the light! Don't go into the light! Come back to me! Mr. Turner, uh, I'd like to apologize. We're real sorry about your dog. Somebody wanna get a shovel and scrape this thing up? Wait a minute. Lookee there. His tail is waggin'. - Mr. Turner, you're doing that with your hand. - He's coming back to me. Duke, I knew you was gonna come back to me. You shouldn't leave me like this. Sir, I saw you move the tail. We're gonna go to Smith & Wesson I mean Smith and Barney the insurance company. We're gon' get you some money for your pain and your suffering. Come on, Duke. [Singing] Hey! Thanks for joining In Living Color this week. We had a good, good time. Kids, education first. Parents, get into their education too. Peace! [Theme] [Continues] [Continues] [Ends]