How I Met Your Mother S7E2 - English Transcript

Oh, God, guys, I'm still really hungover. Did I really ruin a wedding? No, you didn't ruin a wedding. Just the reception. And the bar mitzvah next door. And my dress. And your dress. You put on a dress at one point. Okay, you know what, that's it. I'm about to be a dad, and I want to be the kind of man that my child can look up to. So, sweeping declaration-- I am never getting drunk again as long as I live. (laughter) I'm serious. NARRATOR: Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall had a drinking problem. But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that, you pretty much knew... (slurred): I did it again. But I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened to your leg? Oh, nothing. I'm meeting Nora for coffee. She's still mad at me, so I need some sympathy points. She likes musicals, so I'm going to tell her I fell off the stage during a performance of Man of La Mancha. What do you think? Lose the cast. A one-man show-- I like it! Just so we're clear-- this woman is mad at you because you lied to her. So your solution is to pretend you broke your leg? You're right. A neck brace. Thanks, Lil. Man, I wish I'd have talked to you sooner. I've been practicing with these crutches all day and whoever left them in my lobby probably really needs 'em. Well, uh, I have some good news. As you all know, I recently decided to get back out there and start dating again. And, uh, well... Is this you? Uh, yeah. Hi. I'm Ted. - Hi. - Hi. That's great, Ted. Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment of pure destiny. The kind you just can't manufacture. Or so I thought. Oh, no. How did I get on there? Hi. Ted Mosby. Guilty. Hi. Ted Mosby. That is embarrassing. I should be on the cover of Egg On My Face magazine. But I'm not. I'm on the cover of this one. Hi. Ted Mosby. 16 moments of pure destiny in one day, and of those 16, ten were single. Of those ten, seven liked what they saw. Of those seven, four were women. Of those four, two gave me their real number. And I have a date with both of them. Okay. (phone ringing) Guys, it's Garrison Cootes. Kids, Garrison Cootes was a senior partner at Honeywell & Cootes. One of the biggest environmental law firms in America. Marshall would have given anything to work there. If I don't get this job, I might end up working at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere. And nobody wants that. Or maybe you guys want that, because you'll get free tacos, 'cause your my peeps. But right now I need all of you to calm down! (phone ringing) (with British accent): Hello. Marshall, this is Garrison Cootes. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I've just been swamped. (laughing) Which is funny, 'cause I'm literally standing in a swamp. (nervous chuckle) Anyway, I'm just out here, I'm just collecting some samples for this pollution case we're working on. I love the work you guys do. That's a croc... No, I mean it. No, no, there's a crocodile about five feet away from me. So I'm just going to ignore the hot urine filling my waders as we speak, and tell you that we're very interested. He's interested. Obviously we have to do some sort of credit check, you know, a criminal record and Google search, but as long as nothing unseemly turns up, you're good to go, man. That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes! Well, I gotta run. (laughing) This is so funny, because, actually, I physically have to run now. - Croc saw you? - He's advancing, yeah. ♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x02 ♪ The Naked Truth Original Air Date on September 19, 2011 == sync, corrected by elderman == NARRATOR: The next night, Barney met Nora for coffee. Thankfully, without the ridiculous leg cast. Hey, Nora, thanks for meeting me here. What happened to your neck? My wha...? Oh, it's nothing. I was performing in a one-man show of Fiddler. There was this roof. Wow, that one has fantastic ta-tas. What, where? Oh... Oh, damn it. Ta-ta. Wait, Nora, wait... No, look, please don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is the matter with you? What kind of person needs to lie like that. A person who really, really likes you. And suspects, probably accurately, that you're way out of his league, and so he feels the need to... I'm sorry, you were kidding about the fantastic ta-tas, right? 'Cause I'm looking around and I do not see 'em... (groans) I just had two back-to-back dates. That's right, two lovely ladies, four large cappuccinos, and... one sec. (toilet flushing) And I don't know which date was more awesome. Let's meet the girls. TED: Jessica is a Rhodes scholar. She's traveled all over the world. Speaks four languages, is a concert pianist. And Claire reached for the check. So I don't know. It's a squeaker. I mean, both of these girls have the potential to be something really special. They both move on to the next round. Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious? Define serious. Well, that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments... Third base. Seriously, third base. So I can go to second base with both of these girls, no problem? Oh, honk away, my friend. Yeah, honk away. Oh, no. NARRATOR: Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned the background check, Marshall had been scouring the Internet. Most of what he found was pretty harmless. In some cases, really awesome, until... Not good. This-- this is not good. Thanks, Stacy. Wesleyan has a new cafeteria, thanks to the generous endowment from-- Oh, ho-ho! Did somebody say generous endowment? I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me Beercules! (growling and laughing) Well, that could be anybody. Oh, man, I forgot about Beercules. Who made this Web site anyway? - Pete Durkenson. - Of course. Is that the guy who convinced you to run across campus naked? I was pledging his frat, which I gave up on after three days, because frats are stupid and elitist and also I found out he wasn't in a frat. Oh, my God. This is awesome. I just got invited to the Architects' Ball, the annual gala that honors the city's greatest architects. Oh, no, you guys see why this sucks, right? Because it's an annual gala honoring the city's greatest architects? Robin, this is the social event of the year. You take a girl to the Architects' Ball, brother, you're going to third base. Whichever girl I take as my date, she will be Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend by the end of the night. Okay, no more sitting on the fence. Robin, get me my legal pad. It's pros and cons time! (cheering) NARRATOR: And kids, they really cheered. Let me make one thing very clear to you. I don't date guys who lie to me. Well, see, I did not know that. My bad. So, from here on in, no more lies. I will never lie to you again. I'm serious. Ask me anything. Okay. Have you ever successfully gotten a woman in bed by lying to her? Have I ever... If I'm being totally honest... Yes. More than once? More than once... Wow, that's... (clicking tongue) I guess if we're splitting hairs, then, technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex having purposes. What were they? Nines and tens mostly. There was a four once. She was a slump buster. But, Nora, after that, I had a run that you would not believe. Man, honesty feels good. What were the lies? You want me to tell you every lie I've ever told a woman to get her into bed? A bed or any other place you had sex with her. Oh, you're good. (chuckles) Pete, Pete. Hey. Beercules! Bring it in, dude. (exhales heavily) Hey, I've been trying to call you, like, all night. Oh, my God, sorry. I would have answered, but it is Tuesday night. It's Sunday. And you know what that means. "Edward Forty Hands." NARRATOR: Kids, "Edward Forty Hands" is a game that involves taping two 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor to your hands. The object is to finish both bottle-- Oh, my God, why am I telling you this? Let's move on. Okay, you know that old video of me streaking? I watch it every day. Well, I need you to take it down off the Internet. Like, right now. There are two ways that can happen. One, you can give me $4 million, or... you can help me go to the bathroom, because I... I can't... Yeah, those are two non-negotiable no's. Well, I'm sorry we could not do business together. But if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of a game of "Edward Forty Hands," and the competition is fierce. Who are you playing with, anyway? Just myself. Meanwhile, Barney continued listing every lie he'd ever told to get laid. There's no time to explain how I got bit there. I just need someone to suck the poison out. The surgeons gave me a new face, honey. Aren't you relieved I'm alive? Me llamo David Beckham. (with foreign accent): If I were only casting The White Swan the role would be yours. (deep voice): No, I am a lesbian. This thing that I'm wearing is just really lifelike. Okay, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The creme de la creepy? Uh... Oh, I once pulled The Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys... Barnell! Ooh, I knew it! I can't decide. They're both awesome. If only architects had two balls, right, Ted? I got this. Ted, left or right? Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? I will pick left. Just call one of 'em. Ugh! Ted, deep in your heart, you know that you kind of like one more than the other. Trust me-- take the other. Um, maybe I haven't been clear: this is... the Architects' Ball, Robin. It's a star-studded event. Okay, name one celebrity who's gonna be there. Uh... Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there? Yeah. He's there every year. And that guy's a rock star. You know, Ted, I've been thinking-- it's too soon to narrow it down between these two girls. Just take a friend. Like I... I don't know, maybe, uh, a friend who had a poster of Lenny Kravitz on her wall, and may or may not have, perhaps, dated that poster, on and off, throughout high school. This pros and cons list isn't cutting it. I need a color chart. ALL (chanting): Color chart! Color chart! NARRATOR: And, kids, we all really chanted. Pete, please. I'm unemployed. I have a huge mortgage. I have a baby on the way. And now, I'm about to lose a job I really need because of a 15-year-old prank! Ugh! Do you hear yourself? Beercules, what happened? You're like a different person. The guy in that video was awesome. He had potential. He could have been president of the frat one day. There was no frat! Now he's just a bummer. It's not like I want to be a bummer. I just... I have to be. I'm gonna be a dad. You'll have kids someday. You'll understand. Dude, I have four kids. Pete, please take the video down. All right, Beercules, I'll take the video down. If... you can best me in a game of my own choosing. Oh, no... And I select the beautiful game, the sweet science... Pete, please, I'm so hungover... ...the sport of kings... I don't want to play "Edward Forty Hands." I was gonna say darts-- but "Edward Forty Hands" it is! And that concludes all the space-related lies. Let's move on to the world of sports. Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought of another space one. "I've been bitten by a moon snake. You need to suck all the space poison out of my--" Okay, Barney, uh, I have to be at work tomorrow at 8:00, which means I have just about enough time to sit in a shower for 11 hours, hugging myself. So this was fun. Can I call you, or...? Barney, you're funny, handsome and really quite clever. But you're also a sociopath. Well, I count three pros and one con, so... How do you still think you have a chance with me? Because you sat here all night. You could've left right away, but you didn't. Look, Nora, all those lies-- that's the old me. But I swear to you, I am trying to change. You... make me want to change. How do I know that's not a lie? I'll prove it. I will prove how serious I am. I will not leave this diner until I get a second date with you. Good-bye, Barney. I'm not kidding. This is a 24-hour diner. I'll stay here forever, if I have to-- and I will! Just water for me. Thanks. Okay, so red indicates level of attractiveness, blue-- intellectual stimulation, green-- emotional connection, yellow-- compatibility of life goals, and purple-- whether or not she reached for the check. Well, it looks like Jessica's ahead in the first four categories. (sighs heavily) Did not reach for the check... Oh, this? (wry laugh) No big deal. This... This cost three months rent, and, uh, I've never gotten to wear it, because I bought it for that big event that you invited me to, which then fell through. But, you know what? Don't feel guilty about that. What big event? That thing with your uncle. His funeral? It didn't fall through, he miraculously came out of a coma. And I forgive you. Now, can I please meet Lenny Kravitz? (door opening) (slurred): I did it again! Aw, honey. You got drunk again. I can't believe I took the over. Just to be clear, "I did it again" is not a reference... to my current state of inebriation. What's it a reference to? My name is Marshall Eriksen. (on YouTube): I'm 33 years old. And if my potential future employer, Garrison Cootes, is watching this... bow down to Beercules! (hearty, drunken laughter) Well, that could be anybody. (moans) (phone vibrating) Oh, goodness. (voicemail beeps) Pete, this is Lily Aldrin. I'm gonna make this real simple: You're gonna take down that video of Marshall. You know why? Because I'm friends with three girls who dated you in college, and girls tell each other everything. Every tiny detail. Huh. So... tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes the little wee-wee clock. Pete's got a little wee-wee? No idea. What's everyone getting? This was bound to happen eventually. I've been trying so hard to suppress, like, my carefree idiot side, that it just rebelled and came out swingin'! It sure did. MARSHALL (on video): Look at me! I'm a windmill! Who am I kidding? I'm not ready to be a dad. I thought that I was, but it's, like... my dad never did stuff like that, you know? So what if he did? You'd still love him. And be honest-- wouldn't you love to stumble onto a video of him running down the street naked, yelling, "Hey, Marshall, look at me! I got an icicle on my deal!" (Barney groans) Oh! Hey, guys! Ow! My neck! Uh... oh! Hey! Look at that. Barney, what are you doing here? Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave until she gave me a second date, and I mean it. I've already been here nine hours. I still need another minute. I mean... call me crazy, but I'm gonna stay here until I get that girl back. That-- that's what I want. The way Barney feels about Nora-- I want that feeling again. I don't want to be choosing between two girls, I want to be... a complete head-over-heels idiot for one. Yeah, the complete head-over-heels idiot thing's pretty nice. It's not bad. Although, for the record-- sweeping declaration!-- I am never getting drunk again. (laughing) NARRATOR: And sure enough... All hail Beercules! (laughing) Yeah! NARRATOR: But, again, I'm getting ahead of myself. (phone ringing) Hello. Marshall! Garrison Cootes. Yes, Mr. Cootes. Hi. How are you? I just wanted to let you know, we did the background check, and that is some disturbing streaking. Sir, th-th-the thing is, um... The rainbow streaking in this sample is definitely from chemical runoff. Oh, I... (stammers) Bottom line-- we'd love to have you on board. That is fantastic! Thank you, Mr. Cootes! Well, you're welcome. And-- oh, and when you're at the office, try to wear some clothes, okay, Beercules? (laughing) Wow! That's a big snake. Oh, there's a snake in the swamp? No, I'm talking about your ***. See you tomorrow. I got the job. Yay! And I think that my boss already sexually harassed me. But he saw the video and he doesn't care! See that? Maybe Beercules isn't so bad after all. Yeah. (phone rings) Hello? Hey, Marshall, my name is Pete Durkenson. We went to Wesleyan together. Yeah, no, I know. Pete, we... we just hung out yesterday. All right, now Lily's message makes a little more sense. Listen, don't worry, bro, I'm gonna take down the video. You know what? Leave it up. Whatever you say, Beercules. Scalpel. You know what? This is good. I want our kid to see every side of who I am. Yeah. Even the side that runs through the East Village hangin' brain. I'm gonna call Pete back. That's a good idea. NARRATOR: That evening, I took Robin to the Architects' Ball. Thanks again for taking me to this. Mm. My pleasure. And, you know, you might find it interesting. Some of these guys represent the living history of New York-- Yeah, yeah. Where's Lenny Kravitz? Right there. Leonard Kravitz, world-renowned architect. Guy's a rock star. He's gonna be giving his famous 90-minute lecture on crossbeams. Well, great. I'm gonna go find one and hang myself from it. Okay. NARRATOR: Kids, you can't talk yourself into falling in love. It doesn't take days of deliberation. When it's real, you know pretty quickly, and with absolute certainty. I had forgotten that. But I was about to be reminded. ♪ Victoria ♪ ♪ Victoria... ♪ == sync, corrected by elderman ==