Happy Endings S3E11 - English Transcript

1 Well, big news in the Kerkovich-Williams house. Jane's ex, Ryan is coming into town, - and they're having dinner. - Oh. We did a semester at Sea together, and it was ages ago, and I am just following our rule, Brad. - Whatever. - We have this deal that if an ex comes to town, we're allowed one dinner with them, and the spouse can either attend or not. Well, I'm opting not to dine. No offense to Ryan. I just have a groupon for a Ladysmith Black Mambazo concert. - Ooh. - And I hate Ryan, sight unseen. You're going to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo? Yes, I am ♪ Anyway, don't worry about the check, guys. I got this one. - What? - Whoa. - What? I have a little bit of disposable income these days. Max, you cannot have disposable income when you owe us $11,000 and three cats. You'll get those cats when you get those cats, Jane. And the reason I have all this extra cashish is because my new roommate decided to pay me five months' rent in advance. Ah, yes. El nuevo roommate. When are we gonna meet this guy? Oh, no, you won't. I told that guy that we are gonna live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate and get all invested in his personal business. That was me. Yeah. And I will not make that blunder again. Okay, so Ryan is gonna be here any-- what is happening? I'm just doing some 'shups. What do you got going on that you don't have time - to say "push-ups"? - 'Shups for life! Now to bulk up on some of my whey powder. Get here, fluffy stuff. Just like that? It's in my lungs! Anyway-- Ohh! Oh. Listen, there's something I need to tell you about Ryan. I-I wasn't exactly-- Don't care, 'cause I'll be spending my night listening to beautiful African harmonies and forgetting about Ryan, who is A girl? - Hi. - Hi! Oh! Oh! Ryan, this is Brad. Brad, Ryan. - So great to meet you. - Hey. Jane, can I use your restroom before we go? Long flight. Yes, of course. It's right through there. I'm sorry. Okay, I should've told you earlier, but then I didn't, and then it was weird and are you mad at me? - What do you think? - Mm. Hell, no! Wow! It's 2013. This is the new normal. Oh, my gosh. I mean, I knew you dated girls in your experimental phase, but I never got any of the hot details. Okay. Why don't we all stay in for dinner, you know? We'll get some wine out, drink it up, and really dig into your sexy past. It's gonna be an awesome night. We're not gonna have a 3-way. It's gonna be a pretty good night. So besides withholding judgment on your new goatee what should we do this weekend? Dinner with Brad and Jane? Or Max is always doing something weird. Last week, he pretended to be a psychic and assisted the police with a *** investigation. And with his help, they apprehended several innocent people. I thought we'd hang out with my friends. Your friends Dave and Alex? No, the friends I had before we started dating. You know, since we're a real couple now, I thought we'd hang out with both of our friends. Hmm. Still not following. - Sometimes we'll hang out with your friends - Totally get that. Sometimes we'll hang out with my friends. Now here's where you lose me. Okay, Pen, imagine a world where your friends don't exist. Who would we hang out with? Uh - Rachel McAdams? - No. - Sully Sullenberger? - Mnh-mnh. Oh! Your friends! Yes! There it is! Wait. Man, I guess my new roommate Chase is moving his stuff in today. I hope he doesn't try to weasel his way into our group like my last roommate did. Once again, still me. Whoa! Chase's stuff is awesome! Look at these tchotchkes. Whoa! Hi. Whoa! Hey, Max. Hey, Max's friends. I'm Chase. - You sure are. - I'm headed to the gym, but I stocked the fridge with some beers. I also got us a couple of pizzas from Gino's. Oh, and, Max, I hope you don't mind, but I upgraded your cable to include the NBA package. Later. That guy is so cool! Why would you want to live a separate life from that guy? Well obviously, I'm regretting taking such a hard stance on that now. I mean, is this restoration hardware? This is a disaster. We have to find a way to fix this. I got it. It's so simple. All we do is stay here, wait for Chase to come back from the gym, then we show him how cool we are, and boom, he'll wanna be best friends with us forever. Now, everybody, just kind of act cool, you know? Real cool-like. Yes. - What is that? - Yeah, Dave. Don't embarrass us in front of Chase, okay? So that was how I ended up giving my mother a kidney. Classic. But can we be serious for a moment? 'Cause I feel like we've been talking, but nobody's really said anything sexy. Okay. Let's not make Ryan uncomfortable. - H-hey. - Ahem. I just want you to feel free to reminisce about your time at Sea. That's all. I don't know, like pillow fights or kissing contests. Maybe somebody's wearing a little skipper's hat? Okay. I have a sexy story for you. - You do? - Yeah. I remember this one time - Ohh. - we were at port at St. Thomas. - Oh, yeah! - Mm-hmm. And we had to camp out in the rain. Yes! Rain. Wet. Go with that. And we were soaked. Oh, I bet you were. We had to strip down to our tank tops. - Paint it. Paint a picture. - Ahh. - And we had to snuggle. - Mmm. To keep warm. - Ohh. - That's when things got pretty intense. - 'Cause we just - Oh. - talked - Oh. all night about feminist theory. The end. The end? There's gotta be more. - Well, there was one other thing. - Yes. Right. That was, uh, when we said that we loved each other. - Right. - What? No. Huh? Love? Well All right. Great dinner. We're gonna call it a night. Jane and I will go to our marriage bed, and, Ryan, you can leave and do whatever, and I don't care, - and good night. - Sorry. I gave away my Ladysmith Black Mambazo tickets for this? Have you been up all night? Uncle Jerry. Yeah, but, you know, it's paid off 'cause look what I can do with the cards. Wait. Did Chase not come home last night? No. No. And I've had a lot of time to consider all of the possibilities of what could've happened. He definitely got eaten by a bear. Okay. In the event that that didn't happen, we should probably get in touch with him, because it's roommate protocol. It's a sacred bond. I do not believe that that is a real thing. Bet you thought it was pretty real when I rescued you from that well. Oh, my God. The well thing again? You saved me from a well once, and now I gotta hear it for the rest of my life? Guys, why don't we just call Chase and make sure that he's fine and that he's not in a bear's stomach. - Did you-- did you hear that? - Did we all hear that? Did you hear that? - There's someone scoring our life. - Somebody's scoring our life. - Someone's scoring our life. - Someone's scoring our life. - Oh, it's his ring. - Oh. Why does Chase have that ringtone? Hello! Dave, I am on record as saying you are an idiot, but in this case, I think you're right. I mean, Chase could be in serious trouble. No one leaves their cell phone. Unless you happen to fall into a well. Okay, a real gentleman saves someone from a well and never mentions it again. - Think, damn it! - All right, guys, - can't we just call Chase's work or his family? - Dave why don't you leave the sleuthing - to the pro sleuthers here? - Yeah. And besides, it is totally obvious what we need to do. So obvious. - We gotta make sure we have, uh - The clue. - The proper DNA samples. Blood. Hair - Get to the right-- find that other path - that leads to that fork in the road. - DNA makes sure that that gets to a lab. Okay, I'm just gonna check Chase's phone for texts. - Check his phone! - Check his phone! Boom! The most recent ones are from a woman named Veronica. You can never trust a Veronica. You know, I had a boyfriend named Veronica. Turns out he was a woman. - Oh. - Okay. What do we do next? - We gotta contact CTU. - First thing, we gotta contact the CTU, the ICU. - Yes. - The ECU. - 'Cause it--'cause there could be an emergency. - We-- we gotta contact TCU-- - Texas Christian University. - And we'll find out through them. Yeah. I just texted Veronica, pretending to be Chase. She's on her way over right now. - Text-- - Text her - Text her as Chase! - As Chase! Guys, come on. Can we just focus? You're acting silly. Are you wearing Chase's jacket, Dave? Where does he get such fine corduroy? so then I just asked her directly, and it turns out it was one big misunderstanding. So nothing else happened? No obstacles you had to hijinks your way out of? No one brought a miniature pig to a car dealership to prove a point about gender roles? No. We hardly ever use tiny livestock to prove points. Mm. Ooh! Check out red shirt diaries over here! Spill much? Have a little cheese with that wine, you stupid clumsy ***! Up top! Oh. Oh. You guys don't do pile-ons? I am so sorry. Let me help you. Uh, uh, wait-- waitress, some club soda! D-did you want my shirt? Or here's-- here's $100. On second thought, the red suits you. You're beautiful. 'Cause you look so good, I'm-a do it to myself. No, no, no. Duh, duh, duh. And here we are in our early days. You can see our love is blossoming. In case you can't, here's a bar graph showing that she loves me more than anyone or anything ever. Look, the numbers don't lie. This is science. It took you five hours to make this, huh? Yep. In between my 'shups. He means push-ups. 'Shups for life! Hey, um, I think that I should probably go. Oh. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Oh, man, she's leaving. No, don't go. I really wish you wouldn't leave. Brad, what is going on with you? You know that Ryan and I were forever ago. We're just friends now. We're like Portia and Ellen. Portia and Ellen are married. What? Portia's a lesbian? - Yeah. - Anyway, the point is, we've dated a lot of people in the past, and we should be able to be adult around our exes. It's time to grow up. You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. Let's have a do-over dinner with Ryan tonight. Okay? I promise to be an adult. - Thank you. - Yeah. - Is that Photoshopped? - Hmm? Uh, no, it's not Photoshopped, Jane. It's Adobe cut and paste. Hello? Oh. It's you, Veronica. We've been waiting for you. And we have some serious quest-- ow. - Damn it. - God! Why'd you guys talk me into this? You know I'm not good at dramatic swivels. Where's Chase? Why don't you tell us, tootsie pops? You were the last person to see him alive. Alive? What are you guys talking about? You sure ask a lot of questions, lady. We found this briefcase in Chase's room. We need the combination to get it open. Did you even check to make sure it was locked? Oh. I'm sure Chase just leaves unlocked briefcases all over the place. I'm sure I'm just gonna press these buttons here - and it's gonna open. - It opened. Bye. Idiots. What's in it? A gun? Cash? Looks like just a bunch of old bills. You know what we need to do. Yeah. Just - We gotta-- we gotta always be closing. - Chase those leads and - We gotta make sure we're always closing. - We gotta close it. We gotta close-- closing those. - 'Cause closing is for closers and coff-- - Exactly. This is Chase Reagan. My credit card was stolen about 20 minutes ago. Could you tell me where the last people it was used, please? - Call the credit card company! - Call the credit card company! Chase's credit card was used at a restaurant downtown. Let's go. You are not leaving the house in Chase's glasses! But I look like Dwight Howard. No. No. He looks like Rachel Maddow with a goatee. Yeah. That's even better. That's why I think we're not worried enough about the debt ceiling. Oh, I get it. You're the Dave of the group, always talking about stuff nobody cares about. We all care about this. Yes. Yes. It is a very, very serious issues. And I was testing you. You passed. Jane and Brad are about to eat dinner with her ex, - who is a girl. - Hmm. And Alex says Chase is missing and bears are involved. - Who's Chase? - Who cares, Pete? He's missing. Okay, look, you put in a great effort today with my friends, and I appreciate it. So would you like to go see your friends now? Please, yes! Although if we leave without an excuse, won't they get mad and then, like, ice us out of the group, and then everybody'll take sides and then it's like, "who gets the friends"? No, Penny, because they're normal. Guys, we're gonna take off. - See you later. - Bye. They're not buying it. - Guys, we must take a flight now to Europe. - Oh, boy. - It's a diplomatic emergency. - No. Time to go. And I will see you all when I'm back from - Later. - the continent. Bye! Brad, I really appreciate you being so adult about this whole Ryan thing. Well, I'm just glad that we're both being adult about this. The both of us. Which I'd why I've decided to invite another adult to dinner. My old friend Melissa who also happens to be my ex. What?! Okay, so you invited one of your exes to dinner? Real adult, Brad. "Real adult, Brad. " So, uh, Brad, you said this was a business school reunion. Is anyone else coming? You know how it is. You know, Rosen with work. Franklin moved to England. - Uh-huh. - Chad and Lisa with the baby. - Chad and Lisa had a baby? - I don't know. Probably. I just feel like we haven't talked in forever. - You know? - Uh Especially for two people who had such a deep, emotional connection. - Mm. - I miss it. See, I can respect a bond that happened in the past. Oh. Jane, you have nothing to worry about. I mean, it was just a fling. Purely physical. Physical? Totally in the past. A lot has changed for me since then. Physical? Oh, it was real physical. Real physical. Talking about sex kind of physical. - Mm-hmm. - With socks off. - Okay. - Yeah. And to completion most of the time. Correction-- all the times. It was so hot. But I'm sure you can be an adult about it. Right, Jane? Of course I can. Let's pick a new topic. Have they come up with any new soups lately? Thank you for coming to Brad and Jane's. I'm sorry we left your friends early, but trust me, we are in for one crazy roller coaster ride. Whee! Okay, gang, whoever abducted Chase is here and using his credit cards while he's probably off in the desert, alone and scared, begging God for death. The vultures are picking at him. There he is. Well, well, well! We have been searching all over town for you. Worried sick, mister. And we find you having a fancy steak dinner with one of your floozers! - Um-- - I'm sorry. Who are you? - I'm his roommate. - And who are you, lady? I'm his wife. Whoa. God. You gotta be kidding me, Chase! A roommate? Are you really renting another sex shack in the city? He is so cool! I knew you wouldn't change. You know what? Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with your brother. Oh. Ya see there's a roommate protocol, and I believe that that leads to a sacred bond - Mm-hmm. - between two people under one-- Yep. Uh, you see, uh, one time, Max was caught in a well. I could've gotten out of that well. - Yeah, but you didn't. You didn't get out of it. - But I-- Wait. Is that my jacket? Yeah. And that's why I think everyone's just overreacting to the debt ceiling. - Ugh. - Speaking of the debt ceiling Mm-hmm? Ryan, I remember, uh, when you used to write me those love notes. What does that have to do with the debt ceiling? Shh! Bad transitions means the excitement's about to start! Well, Melissa left me a lot of notes, too. Sex notes. Some were even sent through the federal mail, so it was basically a sex crime. No. No. No. That is something completely different. Regardless, it was hot. I guess you were just pleasuring women all over the place. And I guess you were just lovin' everybody you meet! Here we go! Ooh! That's a nice deck. I love a-a good deck. I'm gonna go check it out. Oh, uh, I-I'll join you. I think we should go, too. What?! No! I mean, you're probably right, but I'm telling you, Max's thing is not gonna be better than this. What?! It was Chase's wife?! And your place is his sex shack?! And he works out?! This is so much better! Well - she's definitely leaving me. - Oh. And since I work for her dad, I've also lost my job. Ohh, that's messed up, man. I bet your brother gets that job. It's been a tough day. What do say we all get back home to that nice, buttery leather brown couch and just chill out? No, I'm not living with you. - And I'm also taking my stuff back. - Man! And just so you know sometime in the near future, I am going to ruin your life like you ruined mine. That guy's so cool. I know! I'm totally shaking in my boots. Do you think that that's gonna come back to haunt me eventually? - No. - Yes. Penny, I gotta admit, your friends are a lot of fun. Yay! Then it's settled. We'll only hang out with my friends. - Come on. - I'm kidding! I'm kidding. - We'll hang out with your friends - Okay. when mine are busy. Mmm. Congratulations. Crack the whip, girl! You always said it was just an experimental phase. Well, I'm sorry that I forged such a deep connection with Ryan that she never got over it. Well, I'm sorry I gave the good stuff to Melissa in a way that no man could ever repeat! Oh, come on! Is everybody a lesbian now?! Fudge! Fudge! Fudge! Fudge! Brad, I'm so sorry. I mean, we could've avoided all of this if I had just told you the truth about Ryan. Well, I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I don't know. I just thought I was gonna hear about all the fun, sexy stuff, and then she said all the love stuff, and I wanna be the only person you ever loved. Aw! Boo! Mmm. You're the person I love the most, and I always will. A-and just so you know, sex with Melissa wasn't even that great. I mean, she never really seemed that into it. Oh! Right. Right. Yeah, she does not enjoy my anatomy. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Hey, just to avoid any future confusion, which of your other exes were girls? Oh. Yeah. - Well, uh, Sydney was a girl. - Mm-hmm. Tracy was a guy. - Aaron was a girl. - Jordan was a guy. Lane was a girl. - Uh, Morgan was-- - Stop. Just no more, please. It's just, uh And Brad is a man. - The man. - Mm-hmm. Mmm. My man. Mmm. Okay, Brad, that's enough. Aw! Just five more minutes. You said that five minutes ago. Time for bed now. Oh. I hate bed. Mm. Say thank you to the nice ladies. Thank you, nice ladies. Okay. I never get to have any fun. Ohh. We're about to go upstairs and have sex right now. Ooh! Can you check my pants for monsters? I always do. Mmm. - Mm-hmm. - Mmm. - Eyes forward. - Okay. Eyes forward. Left, right. Left, right.