Men in Trees S1E15 - English Transcript

Previously on "men in trees" To the happy couple on their engagement. We're both moving in together. George is my son. I have a brother? He was just a baby when i left. I want us to be a "we" again. Marin's moved on. Why can't we? So do you always fly in to put pressure your writers? No, just the ones i wanna have dinner with. To be continued. Oh! Yeah! * just a bunch of guys getting in the car * * no matter who's driving or for how far * * feels so good, yeah, it's been so long * * no fancy drivers tell us how to drive * * me and the boys * * just me and the boys * * me and the boys * I was flying. Me, marin frist. Yeah. Trying to concentrate. Just a few short months ago i couldn't drive a stick shift, And now i'm flying a plane? Oh, you remember that. Yeah. Yeah, i remember. Now be quiet. Oh. You rattled me. * me and the boys * Pay up, sucker. Two out of three? You rack 'em. I'll crack 'em. All i'm saying is, what started as research about the differences between men and women has turned out to be very ego-Gratifying. Apparently, i make a hell of a guy. You're a guy now? At the very least, i'm a guy's girl. I can fish. I can fly. I can drink. I can ping-Pong, and, uh, let's not forget who's kicking whose butt up and down this table. There's a lot more to being a guy than fishing and drinking. There aren't as many differences as you think. Well, there are just enough. Such as? Um, women obsess. They have to dive completely into everything. That was a lousy shot there, jack. Yeah, thanks. I would rather immerse myself in a situation than run from it. We don't run away from it. We just kinda hang back, test the water. It's all or nothing with women. I can hang back. I don't know, marin. You still dress like a girl. You smell like a girl. What does that mean? I smell all flowery? Like daisies? With a hint of *** You're a girl, not a guy. That's a good thing. Well, this girl needs a beer. You want one? 'Cause you're buying. Yeah. Hey. You winning, honey? Of course, which is making jack insane because he's a guy, and guys hate to lose, especially to a girl. Two beers, ben. Stereotype. Oh, please. Competition completely stokes men's furnaces. But sometimes there are things men are better at. You did not just say that. No, i guess i did not. I have to say, i never expected to spend my vacation watching my best friend become a pool shark. It's research. I'm getting a lot of insightful stuff. So my bar is your petri dish? Mm, more like my wildlife preserve And i'm jane goodall Or, uh, dian fossey. Did you just call me an ape? Honey, just be careful you don't become one of them. Not that you aren't all lovely gentlemen. Hi. How was lunch? I can't believe i got beat by a girl. Ooh, marin's still on her hot streak, huh? Well, maybe this will cheer you up. "55,000 baby names. " I've already picked out my faves. Are those the ones you highlighted? Oh, oh, no. Those are the names that will get your child made fun of. Alice? Malice, callous Phallus. Lawrence? Borence, whorence, hairy larry, scary larry. You're good at this. Thank you. I was "stinky ***" annie. Thanks, but i probably think It's a little early to be thinking about baby names. Well, lynn is five months along. Before you know it, you're gonna bring a person into the world. It should have a name right away. I was "baby girl'donnell" for three weeks after i was born. Really? Three weeks? Mm. You don't want to leave a little boy or girl slattery out in the cold, do you? Or whatever lynn's last name is. Just food for thought. Hey. Hey. Pump's broken again. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Someone forgot the 3-Sheets rule and put too much toilet paper down the head again. Do i get any credit for using a teeny, tiny boat bathroom? What can i do to help? I'm little miss 3-Sheets, after all. Don't sweat it. You're on vacation. Besides, this is man's Uh, what? What was that? Nothing. You were gonna say it's "man's work," weren't you? Do you want to fix the pump? A woman could do any of this stuff if she wanted. Do i take that as a "yes" to fixing the pump? No But it's a yes to rewarding you afterward. We have to build a conservatory. Really? Yeah, with a secret passageway to the kitchen. Patrick, are you designing our dream house after the house in "clue"? Maybe. I love it. I love talking about our future. You know what would go so great in that house? Kids--Such a statement of our love, a little piece of both of us. Yeah. Pieces. I always imagined having four. What about you? Patrick? They're happy, and we're thinking a big fall release. Fall release? I've always been a summer beach read. This is so exciting. Yeah. So what else is exciting in your life? Uh, i'm 18 and 0 on the chieftain pool table. I have to say, that's that's impressive. Sounds like you're holding your own against the men of elmo. And writing my next chapter. Jane's worried about me, though. She thinks i might become one. Uh one what? A man. Yeah, well, i'm fairly certain you're all woman. Really? Mm-Hmm. No man can wear a dress like you do. Stuart maxson, are you flirting with me? I may have been. I'm sorry. That's, uh, completely inappropriate. Don't be. I-I kind of miss being flirted with. Well, dresses are underrated, especially on a woman like you. Well, i'm sorry to tell you, but i am not wearing a dress right now. Um What are you wearing? Not much. Honestly, the things that were coming out of my mouth I mean, i've always been a good phone flirt, but last night, i was practically a Phone ***? Yes! I'm lucky i stopped when i did. How long have you been talking dirty with your publisher? We speak a couple of times a week--Just talk. Last night was the first time it got dirty. Will you quit bragging about all this phone sex you're having? Have you been listening this whole time? We all have. Ugh! You say the word "sex" around here, and ears perk up. It's like church bells ringing. Just so it's out there, i did not have phone sex. At the most, i had phone third base. Oh, there she blows. Come on. Come on. Come on. All right, all right. Now we had a bet going. I said it would be spring before you let one go. I don't burp. Jane, i don't burp. I know you don't, sweetheart. And i don't have phone sex. Guess you do both now, huh? Welcome aboard. It's happened. I've become one of my subjects. I'm a gorilla in the mist. You smell better than my lunch. I thought i was your lunch. What is that? It's just my moisturizer. It's infused with honey and mango. You know about moisturizer, right? For dry skin? I wasn't born yesterday. My skin gets all torn up being out in the cold all day. That's why i use petroleum jelly. What?! Petroleum jelly? Do you have y idea what that does to your pores? You might as well use caulking. Oh, wow. Right? This formula is also firming and nourishing. What else you got over there? All kinds of stuff. Why? You wanna try some of it? I don't know. Maybe. I'll tell you what. You teach me the secrets of life on a boat, And i'll teach you the secrets of soft, supple skin. What do you say? You tell no one of this-- not marin, not anyone. Of course. It's our little secret. Okay. You got a deal. Looks like someone could use a little cuticle softener. Hey, buzz. Hey. What's up? I need a favor-- A huge favor. What's that? I need a lift to anchorage. Anchorage? What's in anchorage? Annie and i were thinking about the future-- You know, about having a house and kids and stuff. Yeah. I need to go to a *** bank. Oh, hell, no. You don't have to go to a *** bank to have a baby. You know, your mom really should have talked to you about this. Yeah, i know about the birds And the bees. Paick, are you and annie that hard up for money? I mean, i know i told you to man up, but you don't have to man up all over the place. I'm not gonna donate. I'm gonna "de-Donate. " Huh? There was this time in college. I needed some money, so i sold some ofmyself. No, you didn't. Only once. I never really thought about it again, but now annie wants to make these little pieces of us, And i can't stop thinking I might have little pieces of me just running around. We'll go tomorrow. Oh, that's so great. Thank you so much Dad. Hey. Come on. Get a hold of yourself. So sweet. Oh, right, right. Come on. Yeah, good stuff. Hey. Oh. What's with the hugging? Oh, that? Uh, nothing. Just guy stuff. Yeah, you wouldn't understand. Right. Because i'm a woman. Well, maybe. Well, i think i've hung around you guys long enough to get the language. Well you're on. Hello, elmo. You are just in time to join my colleague and me in a friendly debate over the great divide-- That being the man-Woman divide. So are there really that many differences between us? Yes. Vast biological differences. Is that it? Is it biological, or is it a mind-Set? Maybe a little of both. Help me out here, elmo. What makes a man? So i think if it's a boy-- Michael. Mike. Mikey. Yeah. And if it's a girl-- Isabella. That sounds good. You're not even listening. Yes, i was. Uh, michael and isabella. So i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Okay. And theresa was gonna go, but if you want to, that would be great. You could meet the doctor. I'm just really swamped with work. Okay. Can i take a rain check? Yeah, of course. How about this? Is this a bowline on a bight? No, that's not a bowline. How long do i need to leave this on? I feel like my face is gonna break off. That means the mask is working. It's drawing the toxins out of your pores. It's drawing the eyes out of my sockets. I can't move my lips. I can't tie a friggin' knot. Ugh. This is stupid. Can't i do something better, like rebuild the ship's transmission? I'm starting you off on the ground floor. Today--Ropes. Tomorrow maybe i'll teach you how to drive this thing. Seriously? No. You look ridiculous. Hello? Before you say anything, could i please apologize for anything that i might have said last night? Anything Unladylike? And i'd like to apologize for anything that may have been untoward. I'm pretty sure most of that conversation was untoward. And unladylike and fun. Hey, um, can i call you back? I gotta check in. I'm in idaho, actually. The parent company is on a retreat, and attendance is mandatory. Sounds important. Uh, not really. It's more of a glorified ski trip. We'll talk for an hour in the morning and then hit the mountain for two days. That sounds like my kind of retreat. Hey, um do you want to join me? In idaho? They got a hell of a bunny slope here. You're asking me to go on a ski trip? An overnight ski trip? Well, you could come up in the morning, and, uh You can have your own room, if you decide to stay. Nothing untoward? Exactly. Come on. It'll be fun. Please don't make me hang out here with the rest of the muckety-Mucks. You are aware that This is a very bad idea? Really. It could get messy. Yeah, it could. But we're professional. And intelligent. This is true. Look, marin, i like you. I know not to let an incredible opportunity pass me by without at least taking my shot. You think i'm an incredible opportunity. I think getting to know you better is. What the hell. Really? Okay, great. Um, there's a little airfield in sitka. I'll send a plane. I do believe i'm being whisked away. I don't condonthis. He's your publisher. Jack. Hi. Hi. Hey, you seen patrick? I have to give him back his juicer. Oh, he went out earlier. Why do you have a juicer? Oh, uh, lynn--She wanted juice the other day. You going away? What? Oh, um, i'm driving to sitka to catch a plane To go skiing with a friend. It's a ski date. Oh. Okay. Good for you. Um Well, uh, i'll, uh, see you at the pool table for our rematch. Mm-Hmm, yeah. Have fun. Ski date? What? He's making juice for his pregnant girlfriend. I owe you big-Time for this, buzz. You don't owe me nothing. If anything, i owe you 26 years' worth of "big-Time. " It's weird to think i might have fathered a child out there. Could be worse. How's that? Well, you could have fathered a child and then walked out on him and know he's out there. You've been thinking about george a lot lately, huh? What happened? I mean, why didn't you man up? Patrick, i tried to keep in touch with him, but nell--That's my ex-- She sent back every card, every letter i'd written to him. And by the time he was 12, I gave up writing and just sent checks. So it's not all your fault. I could have pushed harder, But after a while, somewhere along the line, I just gave up, and george grew up, And that window closed. Marin. Oh, hi. Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting. I had to take a test run. It's okay. It gave me a chance to put this together. What do you think? Is it, uh, "bunny" or "bunny slope"? Definitely bunny. Oh. So you ready to hit it? I should warn you, i will probably fall And turn into one of those giant cartoon snowballs, so it's best to keep your distance. I'll catch you. Hi. Can i help you? Yeah, uh, i'd like to make a withdrawal. Excuse me? I was a donor here. It was a while ago. I was wondering if it was possible to check on my donation, maybe even get it back? Well, i can't promise it hasn't been purchased already. I know. Okay. Name? Patrick bachelor. Well, mr. Bachelor your sample was challenged. What?! Well, what do you me? What's the matter? Patrick, you all right? They didn't use my ***. That's good, right? No, they didn't use it because my sample's rotten. Uh, i didn't say rotten. I said, "challenged. " What's going on here? And who are you, sir? I'm this man's father. Biologically? Is this our bad? What's wrong with my son? Well, mr. Bachelor's sample had very low motility. Huh? They swam too slow. It would be almost impossible for him to produce a viable pregnancy. Oh, man. We tried to contact you four years ago. I moved unlike my ***. You know what i like better than skiing? Apr�s-Skiing. Oh. Is that a verb? You writers--Always such sticklers for the words. So i made a reservation at an excessively fancy restaurant for tonight. Are you trying to impress me? And it's obviously not working. What dashing man are you checking out? No, no, i'm just trying to see the tv to catch the score. Rangers/penguins-- It's a big game. What? Um, i've been trying to listen to the game this whole time. I can't believe you follow hockey. I didn't used to, But now i live in a town where eight out of ten conversations are about sports, and the rangers are my boys. You are now insanely sexy to me. You know that, right? Hey, would it be really wrong if we forgot about the fancy restaurant And just ordered room service and watched the rest of the game? Sounds like a plan. Face off-- My room, 20 minutes. Cross the blue line. Jagr picks it up oh! How could he miss that?! Well, in all fairness, the man's got more points than any other ranger in history. Yeah, but what has he done lately? This is gonna go into overtime. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Jagr jagr shoots. Mmm. Go, rangers. Mm, mm, marin? Just a minute. Just a minute. Wait a minute. Are you okay? Yes. Uh You know, i respect you. Back at ya. And because i respect you, I feel i should be honest with you. Oh, god. You're married. Oh, no, no, no, no, single as they come. But, uh You're not the only woman. Okay. My life is nuts. You know, i'm all over the place. I don't have time for any kind of intense relationship, So i have a few unintense ones-- The kind with no strings attached. Right. Are you okay with this? You know what? I am. Who needs strings? Hey Morning. You want some coffee? Absolutely. Shouldn't you be out retreating? I think i can miss a few trust exercises. Hey, um things are gonna be crazy for me the next few weeks, but, um I might be able to meet you in chicago. Stuart The rangers are playing the blackhawks. You don't have to do this-- make plans. We're good. We have an agreement. We've agreed on what this is. But Thanks. This was a lot of fun. It was. You're one hell of a snowball, marin frist. How's your chicken? Oh, it's delicious. What's in this? It's a family secret. I'm not telling. Damn it. We should be able to tell each other anything. We're getting married. That's what married people do! Ginger. I-I put ginger in it. My *** is challenged. So you can't have ginger? No. I can't have children. Oh I have low motility. Bad swimmers. Oh. I am so sorry, annie. I know you want kids. I know you want a family. And that's why i wanna give you this opportunity. Wh--What opportunity? To go off and find a real man. Because i don't want you to close the window on having a family. Patrick, stop! Didn't you just hear what i said? Doesn't that bother you? I heard what you said, and It bothers me, but not nearly as much as you even thinking about leaving. Yeah, but the window. Is something that we will open and close together. Talking about our future is fun, but we're not ready for the dream house or the kids or--Or any of it yet. And i don't want any of it at all if i can't share it with you. Me neither. So, later When we get to the window of children, whether it's an adoption window or not We'll open the window together. Now are you gonna finish your chicken? Ginger, huh? Mm-Hmm. Okay. Hey. What you doing there? Practicing tying the boat to the dock. What do you think? Let's have a look. It's a little loose, but you're getting better. You are, too. Nice nails. Thank you. I buffed. So you gonna keep at this while i'm gone? For a little while, then i have editor's work to do. I need to read 15 chapters before my conference call. Well, happy editing. Happy plowing. Mwah. Ah, miss frist. Hey. Hey. Where were you? The pool table was lonely. Oh, i was, uh, out researching. What can i get for you? I will have a glass of white wine and a house salad, please. Off the burgers, huh? Just switching it up. Can i ask you a question? Mm-Hmm. How do you feel about sex with no strings? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and speak for all the guys. It's awesome. My sentiments exactly. Oh, so it's unanimous then? Yeah. Does this have anything to do with, uh, where you were last night? Yeah, what kind of research were you conducting? The kind that is confidential. Come on. You're a guy's girl, right? So spill. Okay. I was, um Conducting Research with no strings. Nice. And just so we're, uh, clear, "Research" is, uh, sex, right? I went to idaho and skied and Watched hockey and I may have had sex. Just sex, with no expectations. Mm-Hmm. I was going with the flow. And it was good, and i'm glad i did it. Oh! Now that's hot! See, now that's why i don't tell you guys. I should be talking to aoman about this. So talk to a woman. Where's jane? I don't know. Oh, my god. Oh, my god! Oh. Oh, my god! Help! Help! The longest i ever waited is nine days. You waited nine days to call a woman after you slept with her? Why did you wait so long? I had to wait until i could remember her name. Oh. Well, that's thoughtful In a thoughtless sort of way. Thank you for sharing. We have a caller, suzy, from "parts unknown. " Oh, mysterious. She would prefer to talk to you off the air. Oh, uh, come on, suzy. Try and share with the rest of the class. Uh, i need to be rescued. Jane? I need to talk to you off the air. Um okay. We'll be back in two and two, people. Why did you turn your cell off? Because i'm on the air. What's going on? Oh, i thought i was so smart, and i thought i could tie a stupid knot as good as sam, and now i'm washed away. Where are you?I have no idea. Everything looks the same. There's mountains, birds, gray sky and water. Lots of water, marin. Okay, okay, i'll call the coast guard. No! Then sam will find out. Uh, can't you figure out how to get me? Well, if you were stuck in the bronx, I might be able to tell you how to get on the subway, But this is alaska. There's no subway. There are boats. I'm well aware that there are boats. I am on a boat in the middle of nowhere. I miss the bronx. Okay, okay, hang tight. Wait. How do i know where to find you? Look for a lonely houseboat with a woman screaming and flailing her arms on it. Got it. Okay. Don't worry. Please hurry up, and--And, marin? Yeah? Please don't tell sam. What was that about? Oh, girl talk. Listen, uh, we're gonna need to end the show a little early today. No problem. And i'll need a boat. You got it. Wait what? Hey. Hey, yourself. Cucumber? Sure. Jack Do you have a problem with me having another man's baby? What? I never said that. Well, you didn't have to. Look, um, i'm here. I'm with you. But are you with the baby? Jack, you can be mad at me if you want. You can even be mad at some guy that you don't even know. But you can't be mad at this baby. I'm not mad. I just need some time, that's all. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Oh! Oh, my god! Is that a fin?! Hey! Help! Oh, thank you! All right! What do you want me to do with this? Tie up to the bollard. You know what a bollard is, don't ya? What's that? I believe that's called a bowline on a bight. Thanks, boys! This woman's day of man's work is over. Okay, so you slept together. What?! You and stuart. You always do this after you sleep with a guy. You obsessively check your messages. So did he call yet? No, but it's cool. I mean, it's only been a day. Plus, we have an understanding. Right. No strings attached. You got it. You like him now. No. We have a good thing. I'm gonna go shoot some pool. You wanna come? Maybe later. Right now i'm gonna take a shower And thank god i'm alive. You don't have to be okay with things the way they are, marin. You know that, right? How was your conference call? It was fine, good, great. Mmm, jane, i really like that perfume. Actually, it's my calming aftershave balm. You smell like apples, man. Let's see who's laughing in five years when i still have my baby face, hmm? Mm-Hmm. You didn't have to tell him. I can't live a lie. Sam, did you catch anything today? Catch any what? Fish. I saw your boat going out earlier. I don't know. Did we catch any fish today? Okay, so i still have some work to do on the knots. Who wants another beer? Hey, slattery, rematch time? Uh, no, that's okay. I'm not really up for pool tonight. Oh, what, are you still sore about our last game? All right, one game. Ha ha. Great. Here you go. Hey. Call me a mind reader. Thanks. So are you guys gonna let the doctor tell you? Tell us what? About the sex of the baby at the ultrasound tomorrow. Theresa told me. Oh, yeah, no, we, uh, haven't really decided yet. Well, tell lynn to come by here the second she finds out anything, okay? Okay. Is it--Is it weird that i really wanna know? No. No, we'll let you know. What? I haven't really been involved with the doctor appointments. You don't have to explain it to me. I mean, theresa's taking her. That's nice of her. So go ahead, say it. You think it's weird that i haven't gone with her to the doctor. I wasn't gonna say that. Your break. Well, lynn's starting to think it's weird. I shouldn't be talking to you about this. I'm cool. Let's just play pool. Jack, i may not be one of the guys, but i'm a friend. You can talk to me. Um Lynn's scared. She thinks i'm only halfway in. I guess you can't be halfway in when there's a baby. Well, if i've learned anything, it's that You can't really be that way with any relationship. All or nothing, huh? Seems that way. Wouldn't it be great if there could be relationships with no strings? No. There are always strings. Hey, you. Hey. You know that it's been, uh, one day and nine hours since we last spoke? I didn't. I hate that i know that. And i hate that i'm the kind of woman that knows that. You remember that agreement we had-- the one i was so okay with? I'm sorry i haven't called. It's No, don't apologize. This is all on me. I just can't be a guy about this. I'm a girl, stuart. I believe i have empirical proof of that, yes. If i'm sleeping with you, i'm gonna want more, know more. I guess i can't be half in. I get it, marin. I'll miss you. We'll still be chatting But not that kind of chatting. But you're still my publisher, after all. And you are my author Who still loves the rangers, right? You know it. It's impossible to define what makes a man Because no two men are the same, But you can learn a lot when you walk a mile in their shoes. * steal your heart away * Men can be incredibly strong and soft at the same time. They can be generous, sharing everything Some, at least the good ones, Tend to posses something that makes them ready for great responsibility Even when that responsibility is someone else's. Hi. It's a girl. * oh, now, child * * there ain't nothing i can say * * you have to learn just like me * * and that's the hardest way * * so, ooh, la, la * * ooh, la, la, la, la * Sometimes the one thing harder than taking responsibility for another man's mistake is taking responsibility for your own. Uh Everything okay? I just wanted to say thank you for, uh ah. Making me feel good about someday being a dad. Mm. And, uh I wanted you to feel good, too. Patrick, what did you do? Come on down. Hi. I'm george Your son. * when i was younger, i wish that i know * Huge. * what i know now when i was stronger *