Hercules The Legendary Journeys S3E19 - English Transcript

[ Low Chattering ] It's closing time. The Quallus Collection will reopen for viewing tomorrow. [ Woman ] How lifelike. You can practically hear him breathe. Don't you understand Greek? Uh? Oh! Come back and ogle tomorrow. [ Guard ] Come on. Come on. [ Man ] We really need to spend an entire day. Nah. Okay, let's lock her up. Yeah. Yeah. [ Laughing ] Oh, one of these days they're going to erect a statue to you, Autolycus. [ Sneezes ] Ooh, that mercury dust. [ Coughing ] Good work. Thanks, Hercules. That would've taken us all day. Well, the day is still young, Hemnor. That old well looks like it could use some fixing. Uh, we're a bit superstitious about that. A few years back a little tyke named Mardus fell in, and, well, it was a real tragedy. We've just left it as sort of a shrine to him. Too bad Serena wasn't here when that happened. Her healing touch might have saved the boy. Hercules, you and Serena lived here such a short while. It's not that we don't appreciate the new bridge, the canal, all you've done for us, but you owe us nothing. Cyrenia was our home. We were-- We were happy here. And we'll always look forward to your visits as a friend, not a laborer. Yeah. Yeah! Ooh! [ Grunting ] No more wasted time slaving over hot cauldrons. The Falafelometer measures the exact boiling time of eggs. Ah, my friend! Why don't you just cook them until they're done? [ All Laughing ] Watch. Precision timing. [ Grunting ] Come to Papa. Hey! Chicken man! I'll take mine barbecue style! Ha-ha. Sorry. These are egg-laying chickens. Yeah? Now they're eating chickens! So start plucking! You know, that's not very polite. Oh, I'm sorry. Allow me to turnyou into an omelet. Why do people have to be like this? [ Spits ] We don't have a statue of Hermes. Guards! [ Laughs ] - Ahh! -[ Guard ] A thief! - He has the crystal! -Really? Huh? Oh, no, no, no, gentlemen. Wait, wait, I know what you're thinking. And, uh, you're right. Your security system failed at our test. Uh-huh. I'm with Autolycus Alarm-- protection without measure for all kinds of treasure. I'll measure you for a coffin! Wait! -Grab him! Come on! - Ha-ha! - Whoa! - You can do it! Thief! He's mine! Stop! This is really weird. I already shaved, thanks. Ho-ho-ho-ho! You must be much more than the precious little gemstone I thought you were. Ooh, what's this? Instructions. This should be fun. Couldn't be in better hands than the King of Thieves. Now, don't frown. You'll get wrinkles. Ha! [ Guffawing ] Someone has stopped time. [ Man Narrating ] This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering. Only one man dared to challenge their power-- Hercules. Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart. He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods. But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules. - [ Screeching ] - [ Roaring ] Hail! Well, even the gods can't interfere with time. I wonder who's behind this. I'm sure it's not you. [ Autolycus ] Okay, let's see. "Frozen time. Time travel. Selective temporal manipulations. " Aha! Now, that's the ticket. Autolycus? Why am I not surprised? Okay. I'm concentrating, channeling my thoughts. Unfreeze and let's-- It's gonna take some practice. [ Groans ] [ Chuckles ] Not even real gold. Hardly worth my attention. Nothing in this poor village for the King of Thieves. I gotta get to Midas's kingdom. Hercules? This little gem is even more powerful than I imagined! Oh, all those years admiring it from afar, never knowing its true nature. Hmm! Who'd have thought this simple-- [ Gasping, Sneezes ] Bless you. Thank you. As I was saying-- Hey! Hello, Autolycus. [ Rueful Chuckle ] I can't believe I fell for that old trick. I invented it. So, that's why everything is frozen. That's the, uh, Chronos Stone. You better hand it over. It was never meant for mere mortal hands. Not so fast. I may be mortal, but I'm hardly mere. - Aah! Oh! - [ Laughs ] -Autolycus! - [ Attacker Shouts ] Nothing personal, Herc. I know you can handle 'em. Just a little something to keep your hands busy and away from my stone. -Get his feet! - Hah! The possibilities boggle the mind. Ha-ha! Oh, time on your hands, eh? - Not anymore. - I'll fix that. Ah, just imagine. I'll travel through different eras, pulling off historical acts of larceny. - Hey, I could get another shot at the Quallus Collection. - You just stole it! Nah, that's just the stone. I'm talking about all of the king's jewels. I actually tried that once in my impetuous youth, when Quallus was still alive. Ah, but stealing from him today when he's not around to see it just doesn't provide the same oomph. Hey. I know. Ha-ha! I'll go back, and I'll get it right this time. That's it. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hoo-hoo. - Show me your stuff, baby. - No! Hey! Hercules. Where'd he go? [ Straining ] [ Approaching Hoofbeats ] - Look out! - [ Whinnies, Snorts ] Oh, no. [ Whimpering ] Ahh! Oh, my stone! The well. Those mountains. We're still in Cyrenia from the looks of it, only earlier. Is this the time you were thinking about? Yes, but so what? We're stuck here. The Chronos Stone is history. Not quite. The undamaged stone should still exist in this time period, right? Of course. All I have to do is steal it again. Ha! That's why you're Hercules! Hey, this should be interesting. Knowing what I know now about Quallus's security, I won't make the same mistakes twice. No, let's just get the stone and go. We don't wanna risk interfering with the time line. Wait a minute. I just thought of something. What? How can I steal the Chronos Stone now if I'm gonna steal it again from the same place later? That's a good question. It'll work out. Now-Now remember, no meddling with the primal forces of nature. All this time-paradox business gives me a headache. [ Woman ] Mardus! Lunch is ready. Mardus. What's the matter? That name. Hemnor said-- Hel-l-lp! Aah! [ Whimpering ] Oh! Oh! Mardus! Are you all right? Kids, you can't take your eyes off them. Oh, thank you, whoever you are. You're welcome. Well, I'm impressed, Hercules. That was very heroic. Only one thing: What happened to "no meddling with the primal forces of nature"? Okay. I was wrong. It's hard to go against one's nature. But that's no excuse. Let's try not to make any more waves than we have to. [ Chuckles ] What? You're just a big softy. Oh, maybe. All right. Just give me till sundown. [ Laughs ] No. You are not going anywhere alone. I always work alone. What's the matter? Don't you trust me? You really want me to answer that? No. Look, Hercules, I wanna get back as bad as you. Besides, I wanna set things right. The first time I went up against Quallus I failed, because I was young and reckless. Now with a little seasoning, it should be a snap. I'm sure it will be, but I'd feel a lot better if we both went together. [ Thunderclap ] Strange weather we're having. That's not weather. You go on ahead. I'll catch up with you later. [ Screaming ] No-o-o! Ooh-whee! Oh! Oh, that was a ***' light show! Hey, remind me not to get on Zeus's smoke list. The irony is the Hinds did nothing to defy Zeus. They earned his wrath only because he fears the blood in their veins. Yeah? [ Chuckles ] Now they're splattered all over the landscape! - Hey, hey. Looks like he missed one. - [ Bleating ] Hey, Unc, what's up? Just the milk of inhuman kindness, Strife. Watch a master. Don't be frightened. Zeus won't expect you in mortal form. I'm Ares, and I'll protect you, Serena. Serena. Go now. You'll be safe in my temple. I'll follow along later. Go. [ Laughing ] Heh! Ha-ha! If only I knew then what I know now. Ha! [ Grunts ] Huh! You. Me? [ Scoffs ] Ohh! - Lovely, isn't she? -She doesn't belong here, Ares. No. Her rotting carcass belongs in that field with the rest of her sisters. But, then, you gave 'em a decent burial. After all, you are Hercules. Or are you? A few more calluses, an extra line or two around the eyes. My guess is you're the Hercules from the very near future. I'm surprised. Time travel's forbidden to full gods, let alone half-breeds. Relax. I'm not staying. Oh, my. We are taken with the little deer, aren't we? Let her go, Ares. She's done you no harm. [ Ares ] Hmm. It's the good she might do that interests me. As well you know, the blood of a Hind can kill a god. I'll be taking very good care of my beautiful, vulnerable, new secret weapon. And if Zeus finds out? Who's gonna tell him? You? No. You won't meddle. And the present-day Hercules is off trapping the Erymanthian Boar. So good-bye, brother. Feel free to leave a donation on your way out. You're forgetting something. I know how things will turn out. I just might be looking out for your best interests. After all, you are my brother. And when Zeus turns his fury on one, the rest of us have a way of getting caught in the backwash. So you think about your plans for her. You think hard for all our sakes. [ Whimpering ] Ha! Here we go. Come on. Huh? What did I tell ya? See? Huh? If you had bothered to study the plans, you would know that there was already a tunnel here. All right, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight. You're supposed to be me from the future? I'm the walking, talking proof, junior. Better believe it. [ Scoffs ] And I failed this heist? And now you've come back to help me get it right? Oh, please. Was I ever this pigheaded? Well, I'll give you this. You're a handsome devil. Stop doing that. Doing what? This, this, this! I'm not a mirror. I'm you-- separate but equal. Younger and sharper. No, wilder and stupider. At least you finally see what's plain as the nose on your face. Yeah. Okay, okay. You're me and I'm you. Whatever. You gonna help me get this stone or not? Of course. Only this time we're gonna go past the traps we didn't know about last time through this tunnel, genius. I like the way you think, old man. Sure, they'll never know what hit 'em. Ha! The two Autolyci! Nothing'll stop us! [ Both Laugh ] [ Guard ] Hold it right there! [ Autolycus ] Uh-oh. [ Sniffling ] Why? [ Groaning ] Help! We were hunting! My brother got slashed by a wild boar! Help! Oh, it hurts! [ Gasps ] By the gods! It's a miracle! - How can we ever repay you? - You said you were hunting. What? Golden Hinds-- horns and hooves of pure gold. Why would you possibly want to kill creatures so gentle? I'm sorry. If it means that much to you, I promise we won't. [ Bleating ] The Golden Hind! Aah! Oh! Don't even think about it! - Now get out of here! Go! - [ Both Yelping ] Serena-- Easy. When you calm down, you'll be able to change back. How do you know about me? Do you serve Ares? Never. You don't have to either. But he offered to help me, protect me from Zeus and men like those. - You don't need his help! - Whose then? Yours? I can't stay. Not here. Not now. But believe me, you don't need Ares. You have the strength inside of you. [ Guard ] On your knees, ***! Hey! So, my not-so-secret passage has proved an irresistible lure yet again. You'll show me the way, right? Either I'm seeing double, or it's time to start cuttin' wine with breakfast. Uh, actually, we're twins. Look, the name's Autolycus, King. Down! - Naturally, you've heard of me. - Us. No. And somehow, you don't look exactly identical. Ho-ho! That's because my brother's lived a hard life, as you can see. He's paid the price in bad skin and-- [ Whispering ] premature hair loss. - You shut up, or you're gonna suffer premature teeth loss. - Ooh. Your duality must prove handy in the alibi stakes. I salute you. Thank you. - Thank you. You know, I'll never forget the time I-- - Shut up! - Yeah, shut up. - Huh. No bags, so you must have been after something small, easy to carry, [ Farts ] like my new acquisition, the Quallus crystal. - Oh, that's original. - I take it you don't know its pedigree. [ Quallus ] Oh, I know its history. The more men *** to steal it, the greater its legend grows. Well, in that case, why don't you let us go? We'll gladly add to its history. I think not. Guards, lock 'em up! [ Guards ] Okay, let's go! On your feet! I'm going, I'm going. Quit shoving. [ Bow Snaps ] [ Screams ] [ Bleating ] Easy, easy. Just lie still. [ Gasping ] Now that you're the last of your kind, I'm afraid you're a prize trophy for poachers. I always had my family to protect me. You're gonna have to learn to defend yourself. I could teach you if you let me. That other man said I had the strength inside me. True. You merely need someone to bring that to the surface. If he plans to stay on and become your benefactor, then so be it. But if not, I humbly offer my services. I would decide quickly though. These woods are full of predators. It's too bad we can't use this against Hercules without upsetting the other gods. Yeah. But, uh, why-why do we wanna use it against Hercules? Why do you think? Well, uh-- Well, it'd-it'd be cool? Or he's come back to get the Hind's blood to use against us in the future. Yeah, you're right. That wouldn't be cool. Ah, it's a pity I can't do unto Hercules before he does unto us. But I'm afraid my hands are tied. [ Creaking ] [ Groaning ] Aah! Serena. Next time you feel the need to share your gift of wisdom and experience, don't! You know, if you'd look before leaping, we would not be in this mess. It's a little more than a mess. In case you haven't noticed, we're in a dungeon! That chopping block outside is being expanded for two heads. - Well, it's gonna have to be big as a house just for yours. - Oh, you know what? You're pathetic! You're cynical, cautious. What happens to me that turns me into you? It's a wonder I ever survived my reckless youth to become the master knave that I am. I'd hang myself if it would just put you out of my misery! Hang yourself with what, junior? They took our grappling hook, our cables, all our tools. Has your memory gone too? We keep extras in a secret place. Sheesh! I didn't forget. I just stopped keeping them there, because it started to make me limp. Hey, someone's coming! Throw me a line. [ Forced Laughter ] Ah, what are you two so happy about? Ah, well, it's the company. You see, uh-- Heh! - He's a very witty guy. - Of course, I've heard all of his jokes before. Yeah, but, uh, you hear the one about the tavern? Oh, it's a screamer! - Go ahead. Tell him. - Uh, yeah, yeah, um-- An Egyptian and a Sumerian go into a tavern. -The Egyptian's got a monkey on his shoulder. - [ Mouths Word ] - He, uh-- Now! - Huh? - [ Whistles ] - Whoa! What the-- - All right, I got him. - O-O-Oh, no! I got him. Oh, no! I got him. Give those back! Gaah! [ Softly ] Here you go! [ Laughs ] [ Moaning ] [ Moans Loudly ] Serena. I thought I was dreaming. Thank you. [ Gasps ] My touch won't hurt you. It's okay. [ Sighs ] You're not like the others. Trust me. I'm a friend. I sensed when I was healing you we'd met before today, but that's not possible, is it? No. No, we've, uh-- we've never met before today. Somehow, I feel if you'd arrived sooner, my sisters might still be alive. I-I wish I had. I-- No, I'm not blaming you. Oh, I'm grateful for your kindness, but I can't explain it. But after healing you, feeling your anguish, it's almost as if I now realize I have a destiny; a-a path I must follow, wherever it leads. You're right. You, uh-- You do have a destiny, and it's not my place to stop you. I have to go. Ares is waiting. Wait! Do one thing for me. Sleep on it tonight. Whatever you decide about Ares, it can wait till tomorrow. All right. Tomorrow. [ Angry Grunt ] Hey, are you sure this "hide inside till everybody leaves" gambit worked last time? Once the guards lock up, we'll have the whole place to ourselves. - Yeah. - [ Guard ] Come tomorrow. Come on! The twins are loose! Triple all patrols! Yes, Sire. I want a human net thrown around the crystal! I told you we should've made the *** before closing! This would've worked if you hadn't gotten us caught in the first place. "This would've worked"-- Ooh! Come on! Before we're locked in. There they are! Get 'em! [ Autolyci Yodeling ] - Ha-ha! -[ Guards ] Come on! Over there! There he is! Ooh! Yodelayhee! Alley-oop! [ Groaning ] Are the words "stealth, plan, think before you act" in your vocabulary? Are the words "over the hill" in yours? Why don't you go back to that old has-beens' home where you came from, Pops? All right. Okay. That does it! Come on! You want a piece of me? Huh? I'll show you who's a has-been. This oughta be interesting. Ho! Hey, hey! Pretty quick for an old guy, huh? I'll drop you like a sack of fool's gold. You and whose army, Grandpa? Huh? I'll show you who's a has-been. Autolycus? Talking to himself? Hoo! Hey, hey, hey, hey. Not the face, not the face. You got a point. Ohh! [ Laughing ] Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Oh, look. What? I'll show you to mess with me, whippersnapper! Not the hair! Now break it up! Both of you, just, uh-- - Yeah! - [ Grunting ] I've heard of being your own worst enemy, but this is ridiculous. Come on now, Hercules. Is that any way to treat your partner? "Jerkules" is your partner? Ohh! - What kind of Goody Two-Shoes did you turn into? - You watch your mouth. Oh, why? Is little Goody Two-Shoes embarrassed, huh? dd Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Mr. Goody Two-Shoes dd Oh! [ Thuds ] I ain't that good. I know this is a huge shock, Hercules, but at one time I was actually obnoxious. [ Ares ] Do you have any-- anyidea what Zeus would've done to you if you'd succeeded? Oh, come on, Unc. You practically jammed the arrow in my hand! I bet you wouldn't be all bent out of shape if it had done its job! It didn't! You failed! I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for little Miss Heal-it! I don't know why you wanna keep that doe-eyed bleeding heart around anyway. The plan was to use the Hind's blood to keep the other gods in line. Well, it's a good plan. Could still work. Do you want I should rope her? Bring her in? You know, a corral in the dungeon'll hold her an eon or two. [ Laughs ] That was not my intent. I was looking forward to cultivating her warrior spirit, releasing the rage within. I'm afraid I now know what must be done to ensure my future longevity. It is the Hind who must die. [ Muffled Speech ] Well, now we have to get that stone and get out of here before it's too late. Have you got a plan? Have I got a plan? It's so simple, it scares me. Naturally, I'll have to do it alone. Naturally. And what I have to do, I have to do alone as well. So we'll meet up here later. That's got to be a little weird. You have no idea. [ Mocking Tone, Muffled ] The collection will stay closed until the twin Autolyci are recaptured. I expect your swords to make the two of them into 50. But stay alert! Watch every trapdoor, every hole! You snooze, you lose your head! - My ears are burning. -[ Guard ] There he is! Wait! There's only one of them! It could be a trick! But, Sire-- The other one's gotta be around here somewhere! Keep searching! Sire-- Quick! Don't be distracted! That's what they want! - Huh? -The other one's somewhere in this building. [ Yelping ] Confounding, aren't I? Ha! [ Yelping ] -[ Guard ] He has the crystal! - Autolycus! You're alone! Ah,nowyou've heard of me. Let this be a lesson to you, Quallus. Two of me is just too much of a good thing. Get him! Yeah! Come on! [ Overlapping Shouts ] Sorry, junior, but taking you along would've been like tripping over my own four feet. You idiot! It probably took you twice as long. Admit it-- without me, you're nothing. You're a washed-- [ Muffled ] Hercules tells me you won't remember me when I'm gone, so this is good-bye. You're going to age like a fine wine, Autolycus. Bon app?***. [ Huffing ] Please, don't make it any harder. So you've made your decision. I have to follow Ares. I have no other choice, not now. You're right. Be well, Serena. I feel we'll meet again. I know it. No. [ Groans ] [ Strife Laughing ] - Ares! - Whoo! - [ Bleating ] - It's not supposed to happen this way! You've only got yourself to blame! Messing with the time line, that's nasty business! This is Hind blood. You know what it can do. You're bluffing. She's dying anyway! What is the point? It's in your power to take the Hind, but spare her human half. - Do it! -You'd kill me over that pathetic creature? She was my wife! You happy? The Hind is no more. There's nothing more for you here, Ares. It's all right. It's all right. Ares won't hurt you anymore. It's okay. It's okay. Look, I've-- Whoa! Hey! [ Chuckles ] Oh! [ Gasping ] Aah! Ow! My knee! Are you all right? Their touch won't hurt me? No. They can't hurt you anymore. Look at that. Are you all right? Autolycus, did you get the stone? Did you ever have any doubts? After all, I am the-- The King of Thieves, yes. Why, thank you. We better go. There now. You'll be fine. All right. Let's go play. I couldn't heal him. I've lost the touch. You made him feel better. That in itself is an incredible gift. [ Coughs ] Oh, look at the time. You have to go, don't you? Uh, yeah, yeah. I don't even know your name. It's Hercules. Hercules. A strong name. I won't forget it. Yes, you will. Good-bye. Uh, come on, come on. Yah! Ha-ha! Back home again, thanks to my handy little Chronos Stone. Hmm. Oh! Careful, careful! I went to a lot of trouble to steal that. I'm sure you did. Oh! You'll always have the memory. Haahh! You'll get over it. Oh, that was so rude. Oh, uh, this must be yours, huh? What do we say, honey? -Thank you, Mommy. -No, not me. It's the nice man we have to thank. Thank you, sir. Good girl. Why don't you go help your daddy pack a lunch for our picnic? Ah! There you are! Ha-ha-ha! [ Giggles ] She's shy. Sh-- She's beautiful. She is, isn't she? Well, thank you again. Good-bye. Hi. Hi, honey. You gave Serena her life back. [ Man ] Are you ready to go home? Too bad to do it, you had to wipe out everything the two of you would have shared. Yeah. The best thing that never happened to me. Closed-Captioned By