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(TV) ".
.
break free of the atmosphere,
a rocket ship must attain speeds
of 25,000mph.
" Bull! If they went
that fast they'd be squashed
in the back of their seats!
They wouldn't float around!
You're confusing acceleration
with velocity.
You feel it at first,
but once you're up to speed,
you don't notice.
Right now
we're on a planet spinning at
We're also travelling around the sun
at almost 67,000mph.
The solar system
is hurtling through the galaxy which
is hurtling away from other galaxies
cos the universe is expanding.
Wee-ee-ee-ee!
# Yes, no
# Maybe
# I don't know
# Can you repeat the question?
# You're not the boss of me now
# You're not the boss of me now
# You're not the boss of me now
# and you're not so big!
# You're not the boss of me now
# You're not the boss of me now
# You're not the boss of me now
# and you're not so big!
# Life is unfair! #
'(RUSTLING)'
Did you hear that?
(MUMBLES) Firing jets, Captain.
Somebody's breaking in!
I'll do it in the morning.
'(BANGING)'
(GASPS) What was that?
Oh, my God! Hal!
I'll get him, Lois!
Ah! Argh!
(GRUNTS / WHIMPERS)
(CLANGING)
Got him!
(PANTS)
(POLICE RADIO) What would've happened
if Reese didn't knock him out?
He would've seen our TV and stereo
and known he'd made a mistake.
Let go of my arm!
He came through the window right
in front of us! I can't explain it.
It was like we were paralysed.
My
son Reese came in swinging this bat!
He saved us all! Yeah, it's a good
thing Reese got to him before I did.
And, er, where were you, sir?
I was in bed.
Trapped in bed.
My wife insists
on tucking in the corners.
I mean, really
tucking them in!
I saw his head.
It looked like
a fat pitch sitting over the plate.
If only there were more
kids like you
our streets would be a lot safer.
Thanks.
You look familiar.
Did you ever participate
in our ride-along programme? Sorta.
It's like being in a straitjacket!
You twist, and twist, and you can't
shake the damn sheets loose! The
important thing is we caught him.
Let me show you.
Follow me to the
bedroom and I'll tuck you in.
Sir!
You don't tuck
in police officers.
Craig, I got your lunch.
Sorry
I'm late.
I picked up the burgers.
I had to drive across town to get
your chicken from Nugget World!
I thought you said you wanted
to help me lead a normal life!
Did you get the extra mayo?
Yes! From which place?
When are you getting a nurse? Well,
it's just that I've been so busy
with having my arms and legs broken
when your kid's dog chased me
out in traffic(!) I can't sleep
knowing the trauma my cat suffers
staying at mother's.
And all the forehead sticks I used
learning to go to the bathroom.
Craig, the insurance company gave
you money for a nurse! Oh, Lois,
poor, sweet, money-wasting Lois.
I've got something better.
Oliver!
(TITTERS)
Oh, my God! It's a monkey!
It's a helper monkey.
They're highly trained.
They donate
them to the permanently disabled.
You're not permanently disabled!
(For six weeks he thinks I am!)
Craig, I am not taking care
of you and a wild animal!
It's not a wild animal.
It's a capuchin monkey.
They're nature's butlers.
I've got a good one, too.
His
brother worked for Stephen Hawking.
(TITTERS)
When was the last time
this thing was cleaned?
(ALL SCREAM)
This is the worst
job in the world!
Why do we put up with this?
I'm still paying off law school.
Everybody, clear out.
You're fired.
What?! The camp's closing.
They cut down the last tree.
Anyone want a picture with it?
A mining company bought the land.
You gotta leave today.
We're out without notice?!
It's the circle of life here.
They cut down the trees, then
the mining company strips the land.
Then they'll turn what's left
into a nuclear waste dump
to wean ourselves from our
unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!
Well, I guess I'm gonna have
to move back in with my parents.
They gave me a tour of the station!
The mirrors in the interrogation
room are two-way!
It's good thing they
didn't have that before!
"For heroism and meritorious
action.
" I'm so proud of you!
Dewey, are you gonna be able to go to
sleep now? You saw all the policemen
and how strong the bars are!
Yeah, but - And the police station
is too big for a helicopter to carry
it away to a hideout under the sea!
But - No buts, Dewey! That guy is in
a jail cell.
He's not going anywhere.
With our legal system, he's probably
back on the streets right now.
(GASPS) Dewey!
Mom, Dad, this has got me thinking.
Usually those cops are throwing me
in the back of their squad cars.
But today they were clapping for me.
You're a real hero! It was
really cool! Protecting you guys!
Saving your lives.
Thanks
again.
It's made me realise
for the first time in my life
I know what my purpose is.
I think I've found my calling.
Mom, Dad, I wanna be a pig.
'Go to sleep!'
I'm still scared.
Read me a story.
Please?
I've already read you every book
in this place.
Please?
(SIGHS)
"Aardvark, a burrowing mammal
of Southern Africa.
"
"Myocardium, the
muscle tissue of the heart.
"
(SCREAMS) It's
alright! It's alright!
It was me turning off
the light.
Where are ya?
(CRASHING)
I knew you'd be back!
Come on, you sonofa-!
(CRASHING)
(WHIMPERS)
Sorry.
Go back to sleep.
(SIGHS)
Come and go.
(CHUCKLES) It turns out it was
all a simple misunderstanding!
(LAUGHS)
It's Larry who should've gotten
the spin-off show, not the Ropers.
Huh, Oliver? (CHUCKLES) Oh, Lois,
you're not drinking your tea.
Oliver, Lois takes
sugar in her tea.
One lump.
I usually like to thank him
when he does something right.
Um, thank you, Oliver.
(TITTERS) Isn't he amazing?
He makes the bed, does dishes,
even changes his own diaper! Oliver!
Temple massage.
(TITTERS)
Ahhh!
Ah! This is about
as good as it gets!
Lois, you want some
of this? I have to go!
Ahh! Ahhhh! He's like a
frail geisha.
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
Chah-bloogh! Hey,
what's going on here?
We're playin'.
It's getting a little
loud.
This is a nice neighbourhood.
Let's keep it that way.
Stay in school.
Hey! Where are your helmets? That's
not safe! Who the hell are you?!
(GRUNTS)
Ouch!
Ow!
See? You should be more careful.
Play safe.
Be smart.
Did you get the job? It was a dumb
idea auditioning for a cruise ship.
What kind of piano player can't play
Cabaret?! This is useless!
We have to go where there's work!
No! Something will come up.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) (We're not here!)
What?! We know you're in there!
What's wrong? We served your
eviction notice 30 days ago.
You must leave.
What? Why didn't you
tell me? Because it's not happening!
The tribal council made a deal.
You're getting a settlement.
Part of a settlement.
One-fifteenth
of your property is on tribal land.
We'll live in the other part
of the house.
You can't do that.
This area's gonna be
an arsenic containment-basin.
Nobody's stealing my property!
Let's just all cool down.
Er, you may actually not wanna touch
her.
Don't tell me how to do my job.
Alright, missy, let's
get one thing straight.
(GRUNTS)
What time is it? Ah, damn!
It's too dark
to see my Rolex!
No matter, I'll just take out
the maximum amount
and everything will be fine.
Yeah, that ought to do it.
Now, where did I
park my Bentley?
Damn, my inability
to see in the dark! Hey!
Can I help you
with something?
Your money's hanging out of your
pocket.
This is a bad neighbourhood!
Thank you.
(CLANGING)
(CLANGING)
You know when your cat
doesn't want to know.
You'll know when he doesn't
want to be disturbed.
And you'll know when he
wants something he really likes.
Like new tastier
Whiskas pouches.
Gently steam-cooked
for total satisfaction.
Ohh, that lasagne smells good!
It took you long enough.
Did you have to fly to Italy to get
it? Never mind.
Let's dig in.
(SIZZLING) Argh!
Ohh! Hah! Hot! Hot!
Hot! Let's just let it cool down
a little bit.
Ow! Oh!
What is this?
(TITTERS) (SPLUTTERS)
Oh, hot! Tongue!
Please, God, no! Water!
(TITTERS)
Water! Good monkey!
Closer.
Closer!
(CHOKES)
Ahh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
(You're out!) (I was
safe!) (Out!) (Safe!)
(CLANGING) It looks like someone
smashed up your trash cans
pretty good.
If you brought them in
on time it wouldn't happen.
Oliver! Is my
milk shake ready?
It was supposed to
be ready an hour ago!
If it's warm, you can go ahead
and drink it cos I won't!
Alright, I will! Where is it?!
Oliver?
(TITTERS)
You know, I've changed my mind.
I'm
not in the mood for milk shake now.
(SCREECHES) Oh, well! Since you did
go to all that trouble! (SOBS)
Mmmm! Good!
(TV) "Another perfect landing -
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)" (SOBS)
Well, I've been awake
for a week straight.
The first 96 hours were tough, but
I'm starting to get my second wind.
Who needs sleep anyway?
It's just a waste of time.
They say that Tommy Citizen,
he only got, like,
.
.
well, he didn't
What was I talking
about? Never mind.
Craig, I can't stay long.
I've got your mail.
Jeez, it's boiling in here! Really?
I hadn't noticed anything!
Ah-hah! I'm just having a pleasant
afternoon home here with Oliver!
(Lois, that monkey
is out to get me!)
What?! He tried to poison me! He's
trying to cook me alive! He's evil!
An animal with a brain the size of a
piece of gum is running your house.
You're paranoid!
I am NOT paranoid!
I've seen him staring at me
when I'm pretending to be asleep!
(He's chewed my brake cables!)
(You must get me out of here!)
You are not staying with me!
That monkey is not -
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Lois, you tell
such amusing stories!
Shhh! You are getting
a real nurse tomorrow.
(TYRES SCREECH)
(HORN BLARES)
What are ya doin'? I was waitin' for
that spot! Ohh, you got a problem
with me, pal?
Oh-hoh! Bring it on!
You want it, you've got it!
I'll kick your ***!
You think I'm afraid of you?
I am NOT afraid!
No-one's tucked in now!
Just give me 30 seconds!
I'll beat you like I was your daddy!
I am gonna pound your head
out through your butt and
then I'm gonna make you kiss it!
I am very sorry, sir!
Oh, yeah, you're gonna be sorry!
Where ya goin'? You
running away, little girl?
Come out here and
fight like a man!
Hey, Mom, what are you doing?
Unloading the groceries.
You're a little far on the sidewalk,
aren't you? Who cares? Grab a bag.
You have to leave the sidewalk free.
Stop stalling and help unload.
Are you walking away
from me?! Excuse me?!
You can't leave your car here.
I'll
leave it wherever I wanna leave it.
Well, I'd hate to see
anything happen to your car.
Just bring in
the bags, Reese.
(SIRENS WAIL)
Officer in need of assistance!
QUICKLY! OFFICER
IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE!
(SNORES)
(CREAKING)
(SNORES VIGOROUSLY)
(TITTERS)
(SNORES / WHIMPERS)
"(DIALLING TONE)"
Ohhh! "(RINGING)"
"911, emergency.
"
(This is Craig Feldspar.
)
(You've got to help me! My monkey
butler is trying to kill me!)
(I don't know
how much time I have)
(GASPS)
That lawyer was an idiot! Are you
kidding? A $50 fine was a bargain!
It cost ten times that to wire the
deputy's jaw shut.
He deserved it!
This is not helping.
Here's the
settlement.
Use it to pay your fine.
I'm not paying a fine! I'm getting a
real lawyer and taking it to trial!
That'd take months! There
is a bulldozer in the yard!
It's gonna flatten this house!
I'm not scared of a bulldozer.
The bulldozer doesn't care if you're
scared! It will still crush you!
We have to leave! I can't.
Why are you so scared to leave?
I don't know!
Francis, I've been on
this reservation my whole life.
I don't know anything else.
I'm just a hick.
I'm not like you!
I can't just pick up and start
a new life whenever I need to.
I'm not as brave as you, OK?
Brave?! (LAUGHS) I'm not brave!
I just didn't know any
better! What? If I had had any idea
of how horrible it was up here,
I never would've come!
And I never would have met you.
I'm not brave.
I'm stupid and lucky.
You're with me now so my
stupid luck will take care of you.
Hopefully one-fifteenth of
a share will pay off our fine
and maybe buy us a bus
ticket.
Oh, my God! What?
Oh, my God! That's more
than I made all last year!
See, this is what
I'm talking about! Oh!
(WHIRRING)
Craig, are you in there?
Craig?! What happened?!
Behind you!
(CLANG) Urgh! Huh? Oh! What the hell
is wrong with that monkey?!
He's crazy! Well, he picked
the wrong guy to mess with!
(CRASHING) OH!
Oh, no! God, please, no!
(CRASHING) Pick up Craig!
No, leave me!
Save yourself!
I am not gonna leave you, buddy!
(CRASHING) Ah! (GRUNTS)
You'll be safe here.
Oh!
(CRASHING) Oh!
(WHIMPERS) Dammit!
(CRASHING) > Ow! (CRASHING)
(CRASHING) Not my Romulus!
(TITTERS) (CRASHING)
Hah!
(SCREECHES)
(SPUTTERS) Oh!
Oh! Ohh! Ooomph!
(SOBS) I wouldn't have
pictured it ending like this!
Huh?
'(SCREECHES)'
Take that, you damn
dirty helper monkey!
(SOBS)
So, where do you wanna go?
I don't care.
All I know
is we've got $2,000 left
and a car pointed south.
(GIGGLES)
# Dah
# Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah
# Dah-dah, dah, doo-doo do
# Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah
Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah #
(YAWNS) Read it
to me again, Dad!
(CHUCKLES) OK, son.
"Local man subdues monkey.
"
"A disabled man
was saved by a local hero
when he was"
Oh.
I can't believe it!
Dewey's finally fallen asleep! I'm
At least some
good will come of
"Expert say the capuchin monkey
can weigh up to nine pounds!"
"He's a real hero, said
victim Craig Feldspar, age 36.
"
A real hero!