God is Not Enough

Hi everyone. A lot of people seem to think I've got something in particular against religion, but the truth is I would take exactly the same attitude towards any evil life-denying crackpot ideology. Show me another dangerous death-embracing crock of supernatural ***, and I would give it exactly the same treatment, I promise. It's just that I believe religion is God's way of telling us that he doesn't exist. People often say to me: "What if you're wrong about that and God does exist, and you have to face him on judgment day? What will you say for yourself then, big mouth?" Well, what can I say? If that happens I'm screwed, aren't I? Let's be honest, I'm damned for all eternity. I'm going straight to hell. I know I can't expect any mercy, because we all know what a nasty piece of work he is. And it's unlikely that I'll be able to talk my way out of it, because God isn't stupid, unfortunately. He's many other things, including petulant, callous, vindictive, spiteful, heartless, petty, cruel, and egotistical to a fault, but not stupid, so that's me down the chute, no question. But if by some miracle I did manage to get in a word before the trapdoor opened, I'd probably ask God what kind of third rate operation he thinks he's running here on earth, and why he allows himself to be represented almost exclusively by gangsters, perverts and frauds into whose care you'd be as well advised to entrust your soul as you would your children. I'd also remind God that 6000 years ago he threw us out of paradise for obtaining the knowledge of good and evil. So why don't we have it? We paid the price. Every child is born guilty. I couldn't imagine a higher price than that, could you? Yet we still don't quite seem to know the difference. Maybe the people of Burma could help us out with that one. But I wonder what went wrong. Was the fruit of the tree of knowledge faulty in some way? Or is this just a straightforward case of out and out fraud? Either way, I'll be demanding from God retrospective reinstatement in paradise for the entire human race, along with 6000 years of backdated blessings and a full apology. Well, why not? What have I got to lose? I'm already going to hell. I expect I'll end up in Catholic hell, which I understand is a large black hole of guilt at the end of the universe from which nothing escapes, not even light, mainly because no light has ever got in. Although apparently anything passing by too closely is liable to be sucked in and baptised. But just because I believe that religion is a cynical perversion of the human spirit that exists purely for the benefit of the parasites that we know as clergy doesn't mean that I'm not looking for answers to the big questions just like everybody else. You know, the questions religion pretends it has answers to because it knows that for some people any answer is better than no answer at all. Questions like: Why are we here? Where do we come from? Where are we going? That sort of thing. Is there an afterlife, and if so is it fully licenced for alcoholic drinks? That last bit might seem like a trivial concern to you, but not to me, because I live in a society where many people enjoy a social drink from time to time. Not a huge amount, just enough to kill a horse. And in these enlightened days of the 21st century where everyone's human rights and cultural identity are so very important, I don't see why I should have to abandon my culture just because I'm dead. It's only the afterlife, not Saudi Arabia. Let's keep things in perspective. Of course in reality we all know that there will be beer in heaven, and lots of it, otherwise it wouldn't be heaven, would it? It's almost not even worth pointing that out, but I thought I would anyway, just in case somebody wants to take the opportunity to be offended. People say to me: "You just don't understand the joy that a believer feels when they give their heart to God. You just don't get it." Well, maybe that's true. But I do understand the desire for such a joyful heart, and I've got no problem with anyone who seeks it. I wish them well. I can even understand how this joyful feeling could easily lead to a perfectly natural urge to share it with, or even, dare I say, impose it on others for their own spiritual good. And that I do have a problem with, as you probably know. However, it occurred to me that I've been alive on this planet now for over half a century, and I still haven't got a clue what I'm supposed to be doing here, and frankly, yes, I am beginning to find that a little embarrassing. So I'm open to offers, broadly speaking, on the meaning of life. But a word of warning, it's going to have to be something that I can reasonably talk myself into without too much embarrassment, which means it's going to have to be fairly plausible, unfortunately, because that pretty much eliminates all religion, especially our three old friends the desert dogmas. I couldn't possibly have anything to do with them partly because I don't want to belong to a death cult, obviously. But also I'd just like to find something with more of a spiritual dimension, like, I don't know, morris dancing perhaps, cheese rolling... I'm sure something will turn up. It might actually help if I could narrow it down in advance and decide what kind of believer I'd like to be, in broad terms. Would I like to be, say, open-minded, compassionate, joyful, optimistic, flexible, tolerant and wise? Or would I prefer to be closed-minded, bigoted, intolerant, dogmatic, gloomy, judgmental and censorious. That's quite a difficult one. I can actually see both points of view there. Obviously if I go with the first option I'd be very popular, have a lot of friends, everything would be great. But if I go with the second one, people would quite rightly despise me, but then I'd be able to claim persecution, and maybe even get a couple of laws changed in my favour. I think I'll give that one a little more thought. In the meantime I'll keep looking, of course. I'll try to keep an open mind, because I think it's important to keep an open mind, and you won't convince me otherwise no matter what you say, so don't even try. I'm not too fussy about what it is that I end up believing in, as long as it's the truth. Or, if not, at least something that doesn't make me want to laugh out loud with derision whenever I think about it. In fact the way thinks are going, I'll probably settle for that. Peace, and happy springtime to one and all.