Home Improvement S7E1 - English Transcript

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! Welcome to a brand new season. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to a new season. I think, therefore I am, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant. He eats, therefore he is, Al Borland. We have a sizzling hot show for you today. So, let's get cooking. It's barbeque week here on Tool Time. Barbequing goes back to primitive times when cavemen rubbed two sticks together to cook their carcass du jour. Nothing like an all-you-can-eat brontosaurus buffet. But stay clear of that pudding. Plonko! Nowadays, you can cook your meat on this three dollar portable unit, or cook like a king with this $35,000 gas cooking unit. Built-in dishwasher, disposal, CD player. And, in a pinch, an automatic hibachi cook. For purists there's nothing like charcoal. They think the true measure of a man is how fast he can light his coals. Yeah. And a woman thinks it's how long a man can keep his coals lit. There's a gentleman in Indiana who used liquid oxygen. He got his charcoal ready in three seconds. There's a handsome guy here in Detroit who says he can beat that record. You may be wondering how Tim's going to beat that three second record. I'm not wondering. I got hold of my buddies at NASA. They gave me their secret. Rocket fuel! Rocket fuel's made with LOX, but this don't go on no bagel, baby. This is liquid oxygen with a skosche of hydrogen, and for fun, a little soup�on of cilantro for flavor. We're trained professionals. Please do not try this at home. Ah, there you go. Heidi, my fire-starting device, please. - There you go, Tim. - Very high-tech. It's a stick. Two-point-six seconds. A new world record! - Tim, it's a little out of control. - Don't worry about it. - Don't panic. - Stay away from the barbeque! It's OK, all right? It's fine. It's done. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. Don't panic. OK. I'm all packed. How was the Tool Time? Amazing. Dad just launched a barbeque into space. Dad has been acting weird lately. Even for him. You're telling me. He woke me up in the middle of the night last night to talk about existentialism, vis-a-vis Tool Time. - Dad actually used the term vis-a-vis? - Oh, yeah. Then he had this great revelation coming out of the bathroom. "If a man flushes the toilet and no one's around to notice it, did it really flush?" Boy, does he need this vacation. I wish we were going tonight. Lauren and her family are there. - Did you talk to her? - Yeah. She says the weather's perfect, the water's nice. The only thing missing is moi. That's French for "me". What's French for "barf"? Mark, did you remember to pack your bathing suit? Let me check. What is the deal with you wearing nothing but black clothes lately? I like black. He's trying to create an image for himself: bleak and desperate. It's working. Boys, go upstairs and get your suitcases. I want to pack the car tonight so we don't have to do it in the morning. - Hi. - Hi. What a great day, huh? I did some soul-searching. I got a brand-new power soaker. And my barbeque grill was spotted over Roswell, New Mexico. Life is good. Life sucks. - What's wrong? - Angela broke up with me. - I thought she was crazy about you. - She was. Now she's crazy about some guy with a brand-new Firebird. Oh, Brad. With a V-8? Mom, I can't go on this trip. I'm too bummed out. Come on, son. It'll do you no good to sit around here and mope. Well, your dad's right. Come up to the lake and mope. You'll have no time to mope. None of you will. I have a big surprise for you when we get up there. Guess what it is. Seeing Angela up there is the only surprise that'll make me happy. OK, hint number one. This surprise won't make Brad happy. Guess what the surprise is, anybody. Once we get there you'll start acting like a sane person? Way off. Guess again. We've spent the last four hours guessing. You're still not even close. - All right. - Oh! Now, Tim, just think about this for a second. If we guess the surprise we will be depriving you of the thrill of surprising us. You'll be depriving us of the joy of experiencing your surprise. Profound, but not profound enough, vis-a-vis the quid pro quo. "Quid pro quo?" Look, it's beautiful. It's exactly the same. Not exactly. They fixed the plumbing. Now, when you turn on the faucet, it doesn't sound like mating whales. I'm going over to see Lauren. No. I want you all unpacked before anyone goes anywhere. And no one's gonna fight over the good bed. What does it matter? I'm gonna cry into my pillow no matter where I sleep. That's the spirit. I get the bed! - No, I'm not sleeping on this. - Boys! Boys! Just put the spring back in the mattress. Put some duct tape over it, all right? Any more lip, you'll just have to wait longer for that surprise. Hey, are you relaxed? Boy, am I relaxed! No, I'm a wreck. My oldest son is heartbroken. And my youngest son is dressing like Johnny Cash. They're teenagers, doing the same stuff we used to do. No, it is much harder to be a teenager nowadays. It's more competitive, peer pressure's more intense. Jill! Jill! We're on vacation. More importantly, I'm on vacation. Hello? - Oh, hi, Lauren. - Is Randy around? Randy? Oh, for the love of Mike! I knew we forgot something! - Hey, I missed you. - Hi. I missed you, too. I came by boat with my friend and my little sister. - Do you want to go for a ride? - Sure. Whoa. Friend? Sister? You know we have extra boys around here. I don't think Brad and Mark are gonna be in the mood for that. Brad, Mark, there's girls down at the lake that want to meet you. - All right. Hey, Lauren. - Bye, Brad. - I love being with you on the lake. - I love being with you anywhere. You're really different from your brothers. - You're so - Dark? Yeah. I like dark. How do you feel about "dork"? Jenny, I'm not just interested in looks. A girl's gotta have a personality. That's why Angela was so perfect. That's nice to hear. Again. I'm sorry. I'll stop talking about her. I don't know what's so great about Angela, anyway. As I recall, she was a blonde goddess who cleaned your room and worshiped the ground you walked on. You're right. She was awesome. This is so much fun! So I'm told. - Are you tired of driving yet? - Nope. - Are you gonna let me drive? - No. Do you want me to drop my pants and moon Rev. Hicks in cabin four? Yep. This is so peaceful. Yeah. I just can't wait until we get to be alone. Alone. I guess when it comes down to it, all of us are alone. Will you shut up? - Slow down! - What? Slow down! Look out! That wasrt the surprise! Wow. That's a big piece of meat. Good thing they re-did the plumbing. How come your girls didn't join us for dinner? Oh, probably 'cause they're still picking kelp out of their ears. Jenny hated me. You think I talked about Angela too much? Brad, you did 20 minutes on how nice her teeth were. I loved to watch her chew. - Will you shut up? - Guys, come on. Let's not fight. We're in a place we all love. It's almost time for that surprise. Thank God. I'm so sick of the surprise. I don't care what it is. I don't care what it cost. I want it over. It will be. All I gotta do is light these coals. No! No peeking. Follow me. Watch your step. We're almost there. Watch yourselves. OK. Uncover your eyes. This is the big surprise? - This is the old lodge. - They haven't used it in 10 years. You can tell. There's broken windows, cobwebs everywhere. A moose with one antler. I know it doesn't look like much, but it will after we fix it up. We? We're gonna buy this place. We're gonna what? We're gonna buy this, sell our house, say good-bye to Detroit, move up here. Surprise! - We're really gonna move up here? - Yeah. Re-do the lodge, fix up the cabins. Next year we'll be living here. It'll be a whole new start for us. I'm 15 years old. I haven't even finished up my old start. Tim, you can't be serious. Why not? Everyone in this family has told me they want to live up here. Yeah, when we're 80. Eighty's just around the corner, little man. What's the difference where we live? I carry my emotional baggage with me. Boys, um, will you leave us alone for a minute? I need to talk to your dad. Talk may not do the trick. Go with electroshock. I know you're thinking this is gonna be rough on the boys. - You and I can get them over the hump. - Honey. Did it ever occur to you that we have this little thing back in Detroit called a life? That's moving too fast, you said it. The boys are too competitive. Too much peer pressure. I don't want to leave it. What about my psychology degree? - I'll get my Masters this year. - So we don't move till next year. I've done all the legwork, honey. There's plenty of nutcases up here you can shrink. Louie at the bait shop. Flonko. What about Tool Time? It's time for a change. It'll be the best year ever. Then I'll just hand my tool belt down to Al. I'll have to add a few more notches. Listen, this whole plan is just insane. I don't want to be uprooted from my home and everything we've worked so hard for. - You don't like this idea? - I hate this idea! Oh, come on, Tim. You didn't consult any of us. You didn't consider our feelings. That's the surprise! The surprise will be the day you do. I was just trying to do something for my family, and you don't appreciate it. Any normal person would see why I don't! - Well, maybe I'm not normal. - Maybe! I'm going for a walk. Whoa. What a beautiful sand castle. Why, thank you, my beachcombing neighborette. Wilson! What are you doing here? I got a call last night that cabin number four had opened up. Apparently, Reverend Hicks checked out in a huff. Something about a full moon. Tim. So, where is your splendiferous spouse? I don't know where he is. Lately, I don't know who he is. Yesterday when we got up here, he announced that he wants us all to move here. Now that you mention it, he has been acting odd. He told me he was considering becoming a part-time physicist. - Tim? - Mm-hmm. Said he wants to contemplate the origins of the universe. Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other Friday. What is the deal with him? He's all over the place lately. Yeah. Tim reminds me of the poet, Lord Byron. - Byron? - Mm-hmm. Nah. The only poem Tim knows starts with, "Hickory, dickory dock". No, Jill, see, Byron noted that men of Tim's life experience suddenly go through difficult times and they respond in strange ways. Byron said, "Of all the barbarous middle ages, that which is most barbarous is the middle age of man". So, you're saying that Tim's having a mid-life crisis? I'm not sure about that. I do know he is at an age where he has to come to grips with his own mortality. I don't know. It's not like Tim's wearing gold chains and has a blonde on each arm. Yet. Well, the truth is that every man struggles with middle age in his own unique way. Whoo-hoo! This thing is great! - That was nice. - Yeah, it was. - I'm a little choked up myself. - Me, too. - Hi. - Whoa. - Cool castle. - Yeah. Well, I'm just killing time. I've been waiting for your father to come out of the water. Yep. We always wait for the ones we love. Brad, you're still young. You'll meet other girls. I know, but how will any of these other girls measure up to Angela? Honey, I know this sounds trite, but it does happen to everybody. You're gonna find your true love, just like I did. I'm back and I've got crabs. If that's true love, I'm better off alone. They're actually crawdads. - I don't care. Get them away from me. - Oh. I messed up again? Tim, wait, hold on. I want to say something to you. OK, go ahead. Give it to me. Uh you know your whole dream about moving up here? I shouldn't have dismissed it out of hand. So, you don't think it's such a bad idea? Yeah, I do. But you don't, and I should respect that. You obviously want to make some pretty big changes in your life. I feel like wiping the slate clean and starting over. Does this have anything to do with us? Oh, come on. No, not at all. I just need new challenges. Nothing wrong with challenges. You have to trash what's working? I just know that there's a lot of things I want to do. If I don't start doing them now I'll never get them done. Tim, sometimes when a guy gets to be your age, he goes through this, um mid-life crisis. Stop. I'm not going through a mid-life crisis. If I was, I'd be driving a Porsche with a blonde named Chrissie. Which doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to date Chrissie to go through this. - There are other symptoms. - Like what? Like wanting to give up Tool Time to become a physicist. That's only part-time. Wh You see how the boys are growing. You've got a new job. I'm just left in the dust, using foreign phrases ad nauseum. You feel like everyone else is moving forward and you're standing still? Maybe. Like life is just meaningless, without hope - A shell of the man you once were. - I'm not a shell. - Full of desperation, pain. - I'm not full of desperation! I get the point. - It's not quite that bad. - OK. I'm going through a tough time and I'll figure out a way to deal with this. Can you deal with this without buying a lodge? I'll try, but I want to leave that option open. OK. And you know, it's not like you're gonna have to go through it alone. - I'll be with you. - Yeah? Yeah. I want you around when I start going through those hot flashes. Oh. - I hope you'll be sensitive. - I'll try. I'll try not to burst out laughing when you wake up with a goatee. I appreciate that. I love you. - Oh. - What? Did you shave this morning? It is so beautiful here. It would be nice to live here someday. Lou at the bait shop's counting on you. Did you really go around looking for crazy people? I don't have to. They find me. Well, we should go back and start dinner. OK. Oh. Ooh. Something smells so good. Somebody's barbequing. Does ever Let's hold. More. Boys! Boys! Just shove, uh, that spring back in the mattress, put some duct tape over it.