Blott on the Landscape S1E6 - English Transcript

(MUFFLED EXPLOSION) - What? - (EXPLOSION) They have no right to do this! What is the meaning of this?! Stop it! Stop it at once! You shouldn't be down here without a hard hat! Madam, it's dangerous! What do you think you're doing here? You're not due for several months! Ah, yes, but we're like motorway storm troopers, you see. We go ahead and do the difficult bit. I haven't given permission! We don't need permission. Public property. My family The Handyman family have looked after this gorge for 500 years! Man and boy! Is that your house up there? Time you thought of moving, isn't it? Coming down soon. Who authorised this? The Controller of Motorways, Mr Dundridge. I'm going to see him. And I should warn you to stop work immediately. Hoskins? - Yes, Mr Dundridge? - In here. The plan's worked. The dynamite smoked the old cow out. - Eh? - Lady Maud, she's coming to see me. I want you to conceal yourself somewhere in here. Listen carefully to her. - And appear if she turns nasty. - She hardly has to TURN nasty! If she gets violent. Now, where are we going to put you? - Can't I just sit in a chair? - She wants to see me in private. - Why don't you? - Because I need a witness. I have reason to believe she'll blackmail me. - Blackmail you? - With some photographs. Can you fit in this cupboard? No. What sort of photographs? Obscene. Awful photographs. - Of you? - So she says. She's utterly ruthless. But if she's got the photographs I mean, some real evidence, what'll you do? What would YOU do? Tell her to go jump in the lake. I do not give in to these things. - Could you kneel behind that photocopier? - Why don't I stand outside and listen? Very well. Then you can be a witness in court if necessary. - Can't you? - Yes, I I suppose so. (CAMERA CLICKS) Come on, Bessie. Once again. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes. Me? Who is it? Lollipop. Hope he's got lots of lolly, too. - Yeah, what is it? - Listen, the balloon's going up. The gaff's blown. G for giraffe, A for animal, FF for flaming female! Someone's got the photos! Burn everything - negatives, prints, the lot. You've never heard of me, I've never heard of you and you've never been near a golf club! - Sir Giles, were you thinking of staying long? - Hmm? Staying? Long? - Here? - I do pay the rent. Oh, yes, I know. You always have been very good to me. No, I was thinking about the food. Perhaps I ought to pop out and get some fish fingers. - Oh, for goodness' sake, woman! - I know, I shouldn't. I know it. I just thought you were keen on a divorce. Divorce? You think that's all my bloody wife is after? Well, that's what she That was the conjecture I formed. It's the least of her ambitions. She wants me ruined, destroyed, starving in the gutter! I'm sure she's very fond of you, really. Fond of me (!) You silly, sentimental woman. - Crazed with hatred, sick with malice. - Now you're being a naughty boy, Giles. - Come and tell Nanny Whip - No! Mrs Forthby, I have no home. No future, no income. What can I do for you, Lady Maud? It's time you and I came to an understanding, Mr Dundridge. Really? I think I'd better put my cards on the table. Chair, Mr Hoskins? I can assure you that what I have to say need go no further. Yes. Er, what are these, Lady Maud? Don't you know? Extremely nasty photographs, by the look of it. I'm surprised you carry them about. Who are these people doing these things? I thought those looked awfully like your twinkling little legs, Mr Dundridge. They look awfully like universal little legs to me, Lady Maud. They could be anybody's. - You've not seen these photographs before? - Not to my taste, but if that's what you fancy Didn't my husband try to influence you by using these photographs? Sir Giles? Are you suggesting that Sir Giles used these sickening photographs to blackmail me? Exactly! And I propose to get you off the hook! And get him thrown in jail! Don't you think we can work together? Sir Giles has always treated me with the greatest courtesy and consideration. - Has he? - More than I can say for you! You're trying to save your ugly little estate by blackmailing me yourself. I can only suggest that you take your sickening, vile photographs - to the police. - Huh! - I hardly think that would be wise! Do you? - I do! I am not prepared to be blackmailed by you, Lady Maud. And I am not prepared to be spoken to like that! I only came here You came here to smear your long-suffering husband and to blackmail me! Now I am a busy man. And you are wasting my time. You know the way out. - Ah! Hoskins! Show Lady Maud the exit. - That will NOT be necessary! Yes, Hoskins, you can come in. Shut the door behind you. - That put paid to her scheme, don't you think? - Yes. You heard her. She thought she could blackmail me and incriminate Sir Giles! Cunning woman! - Quite amazing! - Right. Strike now while the iron's hot. - Compulsory purchase order served? - It went out today. - Task force dynamiting in the gorge? - Blasting away! Good man! The key is to keep the initiative, maintain the pressure. So Now we will establish a mobile HQ. Just there. I intend to supervise operations personally from now on. We will shift out into the field. - A mobile caravan with full communications! - Very inconvenient. Warfare IS inconvenient. That is warfare's nature. *** is on the run. Operation Overland goes at full stretch now. We'll have the whole lot down! Everything! Of course, Lady Maud. You're considering the matter again? As I said before, it isn't a simple affair. You'll find it a good deal simpler than it was. - Sherry? - No, thank you. Naturally, my concern is that you retain the house and estate in your own good hands. Your concern would look more impressive if you had stopped them knocking it down. Quite. That has rather spoilt things. - Well, I think I've solved both problems. - You've done what, dear lady? For the divorce, you said you needed evidence of Giles's adultery. - Mm-hm. - You might like to have a look at those. Take another sherry first. They're repellent. I find one grows more and more accustomed to repellent photographs in my profession. I saw some only the other day Oh! These are better. Much better. Quite notable. You - You took them yourself? What setting? - The lady's name is Mrs Forthby. And that's her address. St John's Wood. I used to have a wine merchant there once. Well, well, Lady Maud. Now, you say you're concerned that Giles will claim the estate. There is a document revoking all his rights. - The signature is his own. - Really? And not given under duress? I'd hardly call it duress. He was as peaceful as a baby. Anything else you need? Not at all. You seem to have secured the situation perfectly. Good! I don't think we need show the photos in court. Giles has agreed to everything. Nonetheless, I will look at them in detail. And, er, speaking of photographs - I have some - I must get back, Mr Ganglion. - Animals arriving any minute. - I was wondering whether you were considering marriage aga - A good morning, lady? - Yes, on the whole. Mr Ganglion greatly liked your photographs. Mr Dundridge didn't recognise his. I was sure they were his little legs. Pity. It would've been very nice to stop the motorway and get Giles safely into jail as well. If Giles goes to jail, he don't stop the motorway. Clever Blott. Right as usual. What did you do? Ha! Hello? This is urgent. I want to speak to Mr Hoskins, at once. Then find him. - He's where? - He's out at SHOMOCON. Supreme Headquarters of Motorway Construction. I'll try and put you through on the telephone. (PHONE RINGS) - Deputy Field Commander Hoskins. - (EXPLOSION) - Oh, it's you. - What's going on? Are you playing war games? (EXPLOSION) You could say so, yes. - What the hell was that? - Near miss. Very funny. Now, listen, Hoskins, there's been a change of plans. - The motorway has got to be stopped. - Not a hope in hell! It's got to be! Otherwise I'm finished, buggered. I'll have to take the Chiltern Hundreds! - We're advancing through the gorge! - The gorge?! What the hell is going on? Has Dundridge gone off his head? - You could say so. Yes. - Then stop him! I'll forward your complaint to the appropriate authority. - Do more than that! Use those photographs. - I believe it's a police matter. I suggest you use an incinerator. What the hell do I want with an incinerator?! The best method is to burn that rubbish. The answer's in the negative. - Negative? - It would avoid serious health risks. - Now, if you'll excuse me - Hoskins! Listen! There's another set of photos in my safe at Handyman Hall. Get them and use them! This material is far too dangerous. There's serious risk of widespread contamination. Oh, cheer up. Look on the bright side. The bright side (!) - I'm finished, Mrs Forthby. - Well, you know what I say. When you're down in the dumps and it looks like it's the end of the road, there's nothing puts things right like a lovely warm fire. Eh? Mrs Forthby, you sit there in your sentimental ignorance and speak more truly than you could ever know. And a lovely cup of tea, of course. Rot the tea! I'm damned if I'll take this lying down. The question is, do we give in or fight back? - Damn bad show all round. - For 30 years I've fought everything. Chewing fescue, brown top, velvet bent! Even my wife in her high heels! - He has. - And this year my lawn is perfect! - And then I get this! - Bloody compulsory purchase orders! - We've just had the bathroom decorated. - The most glorious pastel pink suite. Birds have all gone. Anyone noticed that? Machines move in, little fellows all bog off! - Fitted shower with floral curtains. - Low-level suite with Miss Percival, please! - I have called this meeting of the Save - (EXPLOSION) Save the Gorge Committee to see if somebody can save us. The gorge has nearly gone. Now it's our houses. What's happening politically? What does Sir Giles say? He's promised me very faithfully that he'll do everything in his power to stop it. Hasn't he, Blott? But he and I have agreed on what I think is called an amicable separation. Oh, my dear. Bed, was it? Don't gloat, Ivy. And we have to help ourselves before it's too late! - Any suggestions? - Ah - Well, now - What sort of suggestions? Tactics, strategies. Here you are, military men. General, Colonel. I don't mind to admit it, I have some trainings in those things. - Always thought as much, Blott. - Yes, and one thing I have learned. It is not always conventional things that succeed, the plan of the military academy. It is what men also do for themselves. (GUNFIRE) (BLOTT) The counter raid. The tactic of the guerrilla. (MAUD) Exactly, Blott! Blott, what lot were you in? Well, something a little special, you know. Really? Welcome aboard, Blott! Hear, hear! Never mind, Maud. I'm sure we'll think of something. Give it some thought, come up with a few plans. You do that, Colonel. In the meantime, I've got some plans of my own. (MISS PERCIVAL) Have you really? What are they? I'm turning Handyman Hall into a wildlife park. By heavens, Maud! Do you know these things are dangerous? Well, that is rather the point! One doesn't want workmen wandering about just anywhere, does one? Oh! Don't quite get the general idea, Lady Maud. Appeal to public conscience. They may not give a fig about some landowner losing her house, but they're not going to stand for cruelty to animals. God! What on earth's that? Sounds like more of this damn nature to me. You know what nature needs, Hoskins? Discipline. And that is what we're bringing to it. (MAUD) Aren't they lovely? - They do give one a sense of security. - Yes. Nobody will come - the milkman, the postman. They're too frightened. The thing about rhinos, Blott, is to show them who's boss. Shoo! - See? - Yes! Well, at least the giraffes are behaving themselves. Oh, yes, sure, what is left of them. - Before there were two. Now only one. - What happened to the other one? Better ask the lions. Be off with you, you lazy beast! Oh, what a woman! Right. Hello, Mrs Wynn. Oh, it's you, Mr Blott. I thought you'd completely given me up. Oh, did you think it? Really? No! You haven't been around much lately. Oh, well, that's because I am very busy lately. I've been to London, the capital, you know. Really? Was it fun? Not bad, but no food. Only sandwiches to eat. I see. - And now I'm so busy with the animals. - You've got some stock now, have you? Oh, yes. What is that creature with the long neck that reaches to the very tops of trees? Woodpecker? No. No, no, no. This is a very large animal, white with the brown spots and two prongs. - A giraffe? - So. - You've got a giraffe? - Yes. Some lions and some rhino, so I'm quite busy. Well, I should think so, Mr Blott! No wonder I haven't seen you. - And you, too, are busy. - Well, I am. Quite rushed off my feet. These men from the motorway. Here at lunchtime, back again at night. And they're moving into the village tomorrow, they say. Starting here. Well, you must be very tired. - Tonight I help you wash up. - What about your animals? - They are fed. They need no more till morning. - Oh. Well, Mr Blott. I'll see you later. Yes. See YOU later. - I see you before. You work at the gorge? - Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Ah, you came down with that bad-tempered lady, didn't you? Yes. - But she is nothing to do with me. - No. You come to work here now? Well, er it's a bit hush-hush, like, you know. Random sorties, you see. But we're going to be here tomorrow. Tea, darling! For God's sake, Ivy! Get off the lawn in those shoes! (MIMICS TRUMPET AND DRUM) Very nice! Know something, squire? You're a real card! Yes, of course. But you know, I like to know more about your work. To knock down such a great building like Handyman Hall, you must be real expert, yes? Bigger they are, harder they fall. That's what I've always said. Yes, but to knock down such a building is an art, no? - Well, it's your cornerstone, isn't it? - That's it. You see, you find that and you pull the ball back, you let it go and then Bob's your uncle. - Bob is my uncle? - Whole place falls down like a pack of cards. I've done that more times than you've had hot dinners. - You go to some school to learn this? - Nah, experience, innit? - You up for a job, are you? - No, but I like to learn always these things. Looks like the landlady's got her eye on you. Eh? Yes, well, I like to help her here sometimes. Aye? - I must go and do with her some washing-up. - That's what you foreigners call it? Not foreigner. - See you. - See you, squire. (*** CROWS) Oh, Mr Blott, you're not going, are you? Sorry, Mrs Wynn. I have to feed the lions. The what?! Oh, Mr Blott, you're having me on, surely. Oh, no. I know what's going on. You're after your mistress. That never does any good. Listen, I really have the lions. Now, please, go to sleep. I will. I'm tired out. Of course. So much to do, hm? Listen I have such a good idea. Take off tonight and go to your Worford sister. - Oh, yes, Mr Blott, and who'd mind the pub? - I do it. I did it before. - You've got your lions. - Not all the time. It would be nice. I do it. For you. (HUMMING) Blott! Blott! There's a camel in the camellias! Yes, lady! You know, Blott, I think these animals might be more trouble than I thought. Thank goodness I've got you. Well, I do like to ask a request. Please. The afternoon off. - You, Blott? You've never - I know, but it's very, very important. It's not the animals? No, not really the animals. You want the afternoon off. Also the evening. Also the Land Rover. Also a note to the manager of the Handyman Brew. - A note to the brewery? - I like many bottles of Very Special Brew. Blott, that's for very special occasions only. Royal weddings and coronations. But this is a very special occasion indeed. Not sure that I like the sound of this, Blott. (EXPLOSION) I'm not sure I like the sound of that either, lady. I also try to do something. All right. No questions. - Carry on, Blott. - Thank you, lady. (MAN) No, you can't have that. It's much too strong. 11.25. We're not allowed to sell it. Against the law. - Lady Maud instructs. - Oh, very well, if she's the boss. - I think you forget you ever see me. - Oh, yeah? - Mr Edwards. Seen the plans for tomorrow? - Yes. Good. Demolition starts down that end. - As little disturbance to the village as possible. - Yes, well, that's understood, isn't it? OK. - Here I am. You can go now. - Don't you want a cup of tea first? Oh, no. - I have to show you where everything is. - I know everything. Go. The bus is soon. - There we are. - Oh, no, no. - Oh, yes, yes. - I never drink. - You did the other night. - Don't remind me. I'm trying to forget. Exactly. What you need is a drink. Ohhh. I mean, like What are we doing, exactly? Are we celebrating something? Well, my dear, since we're together now, I thought it was time we had a night to remember. You know me. I forget everything! Even nights to remember. I'm sure you won't forget this, this marvellous evening we're having together. - Tuesday 23rd. - Well, if you're not going out tonight Going out tonight? I'm not going out tonight. I'm in all night till morning. Well, in that case, I think I had better change. Ohh. - What do you say? McTavity the cat lady? - Yes, yes. Miaow! Miaow! - You don't think so? - No, it's not the same, somehow. - Well, it's a new barrel of the brewer. - It's just like you don't look like Mrs Wynn. Well, I am not. She liked the night off. I'd rather look at her than look at you. - That bird over there, you're gonna pull that? - I well fancy that. - How is that? - I don't know. I drive a cement mixer! Out the way, sunshine. Hello, darling. That's better, really. More body. I Sorry. I go to make quieter. McTavity's a naughty cat. I hardly need to tell you that. She likes to scratch and tease and play And please herself all Ohh! Why don't you bring the bottle into the bedroom? What a good idea. (MIMICS TRUMPET AND DRUM) Hey-ey! Watch it! (CONTINUES TRUMPET AND DRUM NOISES) (CHEERING) Hey! Hey! Come here. That's amazing. Could you show us how to do it? Oh, yes. Yes. She loves to curl up in her bed, Waiting - Mud in your eye. - Oh, down the hatch. Mmm! Oh, Sir Giles, this is nice. It's quite like old times. And the old times are the best times, I always say. - A night to remember. - We can have a night A night And you see that you do remember, Mrs Forthby. Bom! Bom! Bom! Bom! (ALL) Bom! Bom! Bom! Bom! (ADDS DRUM SOUND) Tsss! Tsss! Tsss! Tsss! (MIMICS TUBA SOUND) (WHISTLING) (CHEERING) Very good, very good! Good! Now You teach me something. You know I like to learn. - You swing back the ball - Yes, yes, and then you let it go. - And Bob is my uncle! - Yes, if you've aimed it right. - And it puts down the whole house? - Only if you've aimed it right. See, that That's your skill, you see. Your aim. Come on, Mr Edwards. Up you get. Come on. Get up, come on. Come on. I'm telling you, one swing, that's it. It's down. - You pull the other one. - I'll show you if you want. (EDWARDS) If you wanted to see, you only had to say. Right. Now Now, this is how we start it. All right? (ENGINE STARTS) - There, see? - Yes. That's how we start it. Now, then Then you've got all these other controls which you could never understand. - Of course, I understand all of them. - What makes it swing? Ah, makes it swing? Now, there's your art. Ah, you said you'd do it in one! One? That was a practice swing, see? - For demonstration purposes. - Ah. - What? You wanna see a real one?! - Yeah, that's it. Right. - That's not right. - What?! Looks pretty damn all right to me. No, it doesn't all fall down. You said one house, one blow. It's only a cottage. You can't expect great things from a little cottage, can you? Perhaps you don't aim it right. All right. All right. - You find me something bigger, right? - Yes. A proper house, with a proper cornerstone. I'll show you. (SLURRED) # Show me the way to go home I wanna go home - I wanna go home! - Not yet, my friend. Not yet. - (CRASH) - Noisy tonight. Pub coming out. They ought to close it down. People walking on other people's lawns. And show me the way to go home - # I'm tired and I wanna go to bed # - Not yet, my friend, not yet. I had a little drink about a quarter to nine and it's gone right to my head No matter where I roam (CRASH) That sounded like an explosion. The motorway. - The fuse is gone. - More like a power cut. Wherever I may roam O'er land or sea or foam Show me the way to go home! I wanna go home! Show me the way to go home I wanna go home! I wanna go ho-o-ome! I wanna go home! What's going on? My God! They're on the lawn! I'm going down! You stay here! Get off my lawn! Aaaaiee! Aaaah! Aaaaiee! (CRASH) There you go. I told you I could do it. Mr Edwards? Mr Edwards? My goodness. (LOW GROWL) Good God! (ANIMAL NOISES) What the devil? (GENTLE SNORING) By heaven! Oh, well. They say there's nothing like a good fire. Hmm. Giles Lynchwood! What the hell are you doing?! Ooh! ***! You wanted to break my career with your filthy photographs! Giles, you ***! - You were going to burn down Handyman Hall! - Yes! - Lynchwood, I - You cow! Get off! - You ***! - You! I know you, you vicious ***! - You ***! - You Handyman cow! How dare you treat me like this, Giles? (SHOUTING) ***! You ***! ***! Ah! (SHOTGUN BLAST) Bloody cow! ***! Blott! Blott, let me out, for heaven's sake! There's ferocious animals in here! They'll kill me! Blott! Blott! Blott!