Tip: Highlight text to annotate itX
Okay, chess fans.
Wow, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.
Let's hear it for our finalists in this year's Crowley High chess championship, (Atticus) Len Bergman and Hannah B.
Williams.
I want you to murderize him.
Take him apart.
(Curtis) Humiliate his king, gangpawn his queen in front of him.
(Hannah moaning) Uh, good luck, Hannah.
(Todd) You know what's the one thing I hate worse than chess? Watching chess.
You've said that, like, four times already.
(Atticus) What an amazing morning of chess it has been.
We've already seen one Siberian jabb attack, and two, oh, count 'em- Two poison pawn victories.
We just gotta get through this game.
I'm telling you guys, Atticus is a Satanist, we have to watch out for him.
As if a Satanist would know that much about chess.
As if a Satanist would be caught dead in that sweater vest.
(Todd laughing) Look, I've been digging around in the library, and I think I found a clue.
(crowd cheering) (Atticus) Well that has to be a new speed record, (Atticus) Len Bergman has annihilated Hannah B.
Williams.
This must be the worst day of her life.
Len Bergman has the book.
Adriano_CSI Yearbook time, awesome! But I wanna write have a good summer.
This isn't just a yearbook, it's a clue.
Look, this has been Crowley High's logo since 1965, but this is a yearbook from Not only was this the school's original logo, it was the symbol for the whole town.
Point being? It's an occult symbol, it must have to do with the book and why it's here in Crowley Heights.
I was right! Atticus and those old geezers at the retirement home are Satanists! I saw it with my own two eyes.
Your own two baked eyes? How many hash brownies did you ingest, Curtis? Four.
And then four.
So, eight.
Yeah! Who cares about Satanists? Len Bergman has the book! He wouldn't have won if he didn't have the book! No chance.
So you're saying, he used the book of pure evil, a source of nearly limitless power, to become really good at a lame game? YES! Chess, Satanists, yearbooks, you guys handle this one.
I'm on sabbatical.
You just learned that word today, didn't you? Yes, I did because I was on sabbatical in the library this morning because I'd been on sabbatical from my last four English classes, so my English paper was on sabbatical from my English teacher's desk, And sabbatical.
(Len) And it was sudden death.
That's the moral of the story.
(Len) Gather around, my fellow truth seekers.
(Len) Gather around! My children.
I have been given the gift of foresight, and therefore have become a great chess champion.
Yet an even greater prophet.
And I am here to tell you about the pure evil one.
The pure evil one has come to destroy our world! We will all be enslaved by his evil unless- (Todd laughing maniacally) He is here.
The pure evil one! I'm the what with the what? The pure evil one! (Len) You cannot hide from the truth, Todd Smith! (Jimmy) Hey, Todd.
Wanna tell me what's going on with you, boy? Aw, you wouldn't understand.
You'd be surprised.
Okay.
That douchewad of a chess champion, is telling everyone that I'm the pure evil one! Are you the pure evil one? Uh, man, dunno.
I don't even know what that is.
Look it doesn't matter, either you are or you aren't.
Yeah, but what do you think? You're asking a guy who's been cleaning toilets for sixteen years and who's standing here in his man case.
It's up to you.
Why do I gotta figure out everything for myself? I don't even know why I come in here anymore! You don't mean that.
I really think we need to check out the retirement home.
Those old geezers could be planning world domination as we speak! It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that the statistical probability that a bunch of Satanists have taken over a retirement home is slim at best.
So you don't believe me.
I believe you, science doesn't.
Fine.
Let's find Len Bergman.
Found him.
You're awesome.
Right.
Is everything okay between you and me? Of course, why wouldn't it be? Let's just go in.
Okay, you've just been acting a little weird around me.
Let's just go in.
I'm just worried, that I said something, or done something, or- I'm going in.
I guess she's going in.
(Len) That's why I can no longer eat Yugoslavian sausage.
Have you come to hear the truth? Sure What's going on, Len? We are going to destroy the pure evil one.
Cool, that sounds like fun! We should get Todd, this would be right up his alley.
Are you guys okay? Yeah, you know your eyes are real creepy, right? We know you've got the book, Len.
Of course I have the book.
It's shown me the light.
Do you wanna hear the truth? Okay.
The book is the light, the light has a voice, and the voice is the truth.
Whosa, whatsa? The book is the light, the light has a voice, and the voice is the truth.
The book is a light, is a light is the what? The book is the light.
(Light!) The light has a voice.
(Voice!) The voice is the truth.
(Truth!) The book is the light.
(Light!) The light has a voice.
(Voice!) The voice is the truth.
(Truth!) Excellent.
Now we have to destroy the evil one.
(Len) We have to kill Todd Smith! Okay.
Hey.
Hey, Todd Smith.
We're your friends.
I know.
Your friends were wondering if you'd like to meet them somewhere later for a lot of fun.
What's wrong with you guys? If you ask that we're supposed to say, we're so wasted.
We're so wasted.
Right.
Why do your eyes look so weird? If you ask that we're supposed to say, we've got migraines.
We've got migraines.
We're so wasted.
Len Bergman did this, didn't he? If you ask that we're supposed to say, do you mean Len from the chess club and when you say yes, we're supposed to say, you haven't seen me all day.
Then Len said no, don't say you haven't seen me all day, say you haven't seen Len all day.
We're so wasted.
Tell Len Bergman that I'm on sabbatical.
So I won't be going anywhere near him.
What do you mean he's on sabbatical? Didn't you use the frying pan? You said to hit Todd Smith with the frying pan if he resisted, but he did not resist, he is on sabbatical.
We're so wasted.
All right.
Let's try a different approach.
(screwdriver whirring) Clink-clink Jeez guys, you scared me! What's with the frying pan? Jenny! Jenny! (on phone) Okay, so you're not here.
So if you get this, be careful, Hannah and Curtis have been brainwashed and they have a frying pan.
(Todd's phone beeping) (Todd's phone beeping) (Brody) Yo, don't you have some unfinished business with Len, little dude? I'm on sabbatical.
(Eddie) You can't take a sabbatical from your destiny, LOSER.
Just because Len says that I'm the pure evil one, doesn't mean it's true.
All I have to do is stay out of his way, and he'll realize he's wrong.
Isn't he turning your friends against you? And didn't he kidnap your loser girlfriend? Len has Jenny? Yeah, imagine what dastardly deeds he's doing to her right now? Yo, he's got the balls to call you the pure evil one? (Brody) Damn.
You should go in there and show him who's not the pure evil one.
Damn straight.
Too easy, bros.
Ha ha ha ha ha! That was sweet.
(heavy metal music playing) Jenny? (Jenny) It's a trap, Todd! I know it's a trap, Jenny! Are you okay? Len! I've got a shotgun! A really big one! I know you're controlling my friends somehow, so you might as well come out! (Curtis) It's not a trap, Todd, put down the really big shotgun.
Curtis, I know Len's telling you what to say! (Hannah) We're so wasted.
I know, Hannah! (Curtis) Come further into the room, Todd.
Further into the trap, you mean.
(Curtis) There's cake- Ow! She bit me.
(Jenny) There's no cake, Todd! (Curtis) Shut up! (Curtis) Jenny wants all the cake for herself.
(Curtis) It is your favourite kind.
Really, Len, what's my favourite kind of cake? (indiscernible whispering) (Curtis) Hey, Todd, we found something.
(Curtis) Further in the Chessasium.
Past the cake.
(Len) Now! Nice trap, chess nerd! That wasn't the trap.
You're pure evil, Todd Smith.
Looks like you're the evil one from where I'm standing! Evil is your destiny.
You will bring evil to this world whether you like to or not.
Curtis.
Kill her.
Yes, kill me, Curtis.
No, you idiot.
He means me.
(Todd) Curtis, don't do it! Surrender or your girlfriend is gonna get her throat sliced.
We're just friends.
Just friends.
Perfect.
Now we're going to teach the pure evil one a lesson.
I'm not the pure evil one! Hannah, Curtis, you guys know I'm not the pure evil one, right? I've seen your future.
And I'm evil? In the future.
You are the future, and it's awful.
Tie him up! Hey! You said you'd let her go! No, I said she wouldn't get her throat sliced.
Check mate.
The voice is the truth! (Truth!) The book is the light.
(Light!) The light has a voice.
(Voice!) The voice is the truth.
(Truth!) The book is the light.
(Light!) The light has a voice.
(Voice!) The voice is the truth.
(Truth!) I have seen the future.
Behold.
The future of the pure evil one.
(Todd laughing maniacally) Don't believe him, Todd! It's just some sort of bad trick! (Todd laughing maniacally) What if he's right, Jenny? (Len) Then I'm going to save the world! I guess this is checkmate! You already used that one, ***! How 'bout this? DIE, TODD SMITH! Checkmate.
I thought that would get a bigger response.
Len Bergman has the book! No ***.
Not anymore he don't Okay, move it, people! Do you want a piece of this? HUH? YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? (Curtis) What happened? The usual.
You and Hannah were hypnotized and then you tried to kill me.
Then you tried to kill Jenny.
Then Len Bergman showed us a vision of the future where I destroy everything.
Oh, that last part's new.
I've got the book.
(Len) AHHHH! (heavy metal music playing) I will make you mine! The book is the light! The light has a voice.
And that voice is the truth! The book is the light! The light has a voice! The voice is the truth! Go *** yourself! Can't Your mind Too much Chaos.
AHHHHH! That's right, chesswad, I can't hold a single thought for more than one second.
AHHHHHHHH! SPLAT! (Todd) Yeah, that's right! You're good at flying away, you chicken *** book! Did I save the school? I'm starting to think that the school can't be saved.
Huh.
Oh, wow.
That, uh, Len.
He's a total nut job, right? Yeah.
Nut job.
(Todd) I mean, all that stuff about pure evil.
Total *** right? Yeah.
Total ***.
(Atticus) Oh, movie night.
What are we watching? (Hannah) Jenny found this film in a time capsule.
(Curtis) Right before we knocked her unconscious.
Sorry about that, it won't happen again.
I hope.
It's okay.
I think we're ready.
Lights.
Hey, thanks for saving the day, Mr.
Murphy.
You would have done the same for me.
Right? Maybe I was wrong about you.
(Atticus) How so? I thought you were a Satanist.
(all laughing) Hello, I'm Atticus Murphy Senior.
And if you love Satan like I love Satan, then Crowley Heights is the place for you.
Fifty years ago Crowley Heights was founded by Satanists fleeing persecution for their misunderstood beliefs.
Today, it's a thriving community.
The perfect place to raise a family, start a new business, or carry out the dark lord's darkest desires without fear of humiliation or recrimination.
As if that wasn't enough, it's also currently home of the Book of Pure Evil.
And everyone knows, where the Book of Pure Evil goes, the pure evil one can't be far behind.
A new millennium of evil will soon be upon us, don't you want your children to be part of it? I know I do.
(Atticus Senior) Hail, Satan! (all people in video) Hail Satan! Well *** me.
That was your father! (Hannah) That baby was you! That baby looks nothing like me.
Yes, he is my father, and a Satanist, but I haven't seen him in years.
(Curtis) I saw you with him at the retirement home! I dropped by to say hello, he's all alone.
He was surrounded by other Satanists.
And he said to destroy us if we got in your way.
Yeah but you didn't hear the rest of the conversation.
Okay, where I said now I'm a gang member, and being a gang member is more important to me than being a Satanist.
(Hannah) My trust in authority has been shattered.
For the record, I never trusted you, Atticus! I bet you're the reason for my father's disappearance! Kids! It's me, Atticus.
Sure I may have deceived you, I, I spied on you and perhaps turned the other way when you were in mortal danger, but, I'm a gang member.
Not anymore.
What if I am pure evil? Then I'll be the pure evil guy's best friend.
And that doesn't bother you? Todd, this year has been awesome.
We've been kicking major ***, we're hanging out with two chicks we never would have met if it wasn't for the book.
And yeah, we've lost some battles and sure it's been scary at times, but dude, I wouldn't change a second of it.
You don't get it, Curtis.
If I'm the pure evil one, I'm going to destroy the world.
I'm responsible! Not you, ME.
Just because Len says you are, doesn't mean you are, dude.
Doesn't mean I'm not.
Todd? (Todd) Can't hear you, I've got my headphones on.
It's time
