Telephone

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health line If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly If you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6 If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want Stay on the line and we'll trace you call If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press If you are depressive, it doen't matter which number you press no one will answer you If you are dyslexic press 696969 If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash (#) key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later And if you have low self esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy