Cougar Town S2E2 - English Transcript

Imase! Hey! Irasshaimase! What just happened? Remember the other night when we had sushi? I just loved the way the chefs greeted us, so I thought we'd start doing it here. Hey! Irasshaimase! Hey! Irasshaimase! I like it. I hate it more than anything ever. Oh, cool. Then we'll just do it to you. Hmm. Should I bring this shirt to college? I mean, I've been working out a lot, so I'm not sure that it's obvious anymore that it's supposed to be ironic. It's still pretty obvious. I'm gonna miss you the most. Mm. I can't believe you're leaving in a week. Mm. Andy, do I look old enough to have a kid in college? Not unless you had him when you were 9. Thank you. And then they kiss. Mwah! That tickles. Oh, my God. You know what I loved most about college? Oh, jelly bean. Are you confusing college with that management training course that you took at the waffle house? Fine. I didn't "go to college," but I still used to like to hang out and pretend I was a student and go to all the awesome parties. I even joined a sorority, but the politics drove me crazy. So Kelly archer gave Suzy whitley's boyfriend a whoa-oh! I'm not supposed to go on her parents' boat for spring break? That, my friends, is horse crap. So I packed Laurie, sweetheart, I think your point's over here somewhere. Remember, there was something that you loved about college Okay, I'm lost inside my brain again. Oh, jelly bean. Drinking games! I loved drinking games! Wine up, everybody! Wine up! Yay! Yeah! Ohh! Ohh! All right. Get it in! Ohh! Uh-huh! Chug it, loser! Ooh! But don't drink in college. You're not of age yet. It doesn't even look like fun. Oh, it's it's really hard to chug Pinot. Man, I love fishing off the boat. I mean, I still have to run over to the beach to cast, plus you gotta wait for a break in traffic to reel anything in And even then you gotta real it in quick. I like being your son. Oh, hey, I got a new laptop for college. Thought you might want the old one. Hot damn, buddy! My first computer. Yeah. Hey, you know how much I'm gonna miss you, right? Same here. Whoo! Fish on, baby! I got a big one! Whoa. Nope. Just another bus. Hey! Irasshaimase! Why do you keep doing this when you know I hate it? You just answered your own question. Ellie, why is Tom mowing your lawn? He feels bad for me. I-I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because he thinks that your son died. Satan will now explain. Do you guys remember yesterday when I was really upset because Andy threw away my latte when it still had a sip left? I'm still mad about that. Yeah. I feel bad, too. Anyway, Tom came up right after and said, "who died?" And I said, "Stan," but I was talking on my Bluetooth. I wasn't talking to him, and before I could explain, he started crying and talking about God's plan, and then he started doing things for me, and, well, you know, I went with it. You're okay with this? I don't wanna mow the lawn. It's, like, a thousand degrees out there. Ellie, no-look. Whoo! Hells, yeah. I forget you even have a kid. I mean, you never talk about Dan. Stan. Who cares? Is there anything worse than an intelligent woman who squirts out a baby and then just talks out every boring detail of its life? Andy, tell him what you think about that. T might be the most unsexy thing in the world. Okay, I heard what you said about boring baby stories, but I don't care. Check out this macaroni necklace that Travis made me when he was 1. 1? Fine. I made it. But I used his hands, like he was just a little puppet. Hey, guys. Hi, Tom. You want me to get your lawn, too, Jules? Oh, God. Thanks, Tom. It is a tough time. I-I can't imagine. You're all going to hell. So are you. You ate his lasagna last night. I ate deaby lasagna? And you loved it, so put on a sad face, 'cause tonight Tom is makin' Mexican. Ooh, Mexican! Yeah! Ooh! So good. Mnh. Unh. I'm sorry. I can't believe Travis is leaving home. Oh, it feels like just yesterday okay, I shouldn't have to say this to a girl. I'm right here. I can't help it, honey. You are rocking major cleave today. Travis used to eat out of these. Oh, boy. You are really gonna lose it when he splits, aren't you? No, 'cause I got a whole week to deal. I've already started my coping process. Getting nostalgic day one. Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna spend every waking second with him. Oh. I already have a list of stuff we're gonna do. Oh. What's so fun about a motorcycle ride? When I go too fast, he's gonna be afraid of dying, and he's gonna hug me so tight. Ugh. Poor Trav. I know. He's screwed. Hey. Do you want me to teach you how to use that bad boy? Please. I've mostly been using it like a magazine you know, hitting flies with it, using it to scratch my engine room. You should start a blog and share your cracker lingo with the world. What the Fudge is a blog? A blog is like a diary, but you want everyone to read it. Like, if you get bad service at a restaurant, you blog it, and then you get a free meal at that restaurant, but then you wonder, did they just lure me back here so they could spit in my food? So you blog that, and then they take you to court. I wish I could take everything in your head and put it in mine. Are you sure you have room for all her blink-182 lyrics and her fascinating ideas on homemade birth control? Just f. Y. I. Plastic wrap is, like, Oh, God. There's Barb. Please save me. What? You are a coward! Hi. Well, I hear your son is heading off to college. I actually just finished a very private meeting with the dean and the Chancellor. Let's go, dean. You, too, Chancellor. You know, when Travis was a baby and someone like that came up and bugged me, he would just cry on command and then they would leave. All I had to do was give him just a little pinch. He wasn't crying on command. You were hurting him. You shut up. I'm a good mom! Ow! You know what Stan does that's even more amazing than your abuse story? Andy, we decided. No baby stories. No, we didn't decide. You decided. When I decide, we decide. Not in front of the guys. I'm gonna tell a Stan story. I wouldn't. Sometimes when Stan smiles, little bubbles come out. How adorable is that? So adorable. I will decide your punishment later. Oh, gosh! Oh, it's like a motorcycle hug. Come on. Tighter! Vroom, vroom, vroom! So, mom Yep. I think I'm gonna leave for college tomorrow. Oh. Oh. We're still hugging. Cool. Okay. I know classes don't start for a week, but I just I want to get a head start, you know, get acclimated. By all means, you should go and get acclimated. I mean, God knows, you don't want to start college off if you're not acclimated. You're awesome. Laters! Later! You're never gonna leave me, are you, buddy? Ow! You used to do that to your baby? It was a little pinch. Ow! Jules, you okay? Honey why don't you go to your crazy place? I don't wanna. Come on. It'll make you feel better. You know, Travis was born eight days late, so he's already stolen one week from me. Oh, that little *** is trying to do it again. Welcome to crazy town. Here. I got her some coffee. That's so nice, sweetie. Oh, my God. Is my punishment for telling a Stan story no eye contact? It is. But I love your eye contact. I crave it! Well, that's why I took it away. Hey! Irasshaimase! Don't make me hate the Japanese. How ya doin'? Crappy. I've just- I've gotta slap out of it. Snap. It's "snap out of it," not "slap out of it. " "Snap" doesn't make sense. How is this gonna get you out of a funk? I mean, but this see, that gets your attention, right? Really does. Jules, slap out of it. I will. Travis doesn't leave till tomorrow, so there's plenty of time for mother and son bonding. I'm gonna have to whittle down this list. Let's see. Oh, we don't have to fly a kite together. I'll just have to cancel that photographer. All right. Travis! Aah! You're mine today. This can't be good. Okay. Let's start class. Now where can we plug this in? Ay, let's start class. Now the Internet is like a series of spiderwebs that connects us to each other. Oh, except that the webs are invisible. Oh, and the spiders are nerds. Ooh. Look at 'em all. Okay, there you go. You're online. Now I assume you know some basics, you just enlarge it. Make big. Really? Oh, do you remember this little bear? Oh, it's so cute. You loved it. Oh! Doesn't smell good. Sweet. Eh. What? We just spent the last hour sifting through a shoe box containing a lock of hair from my first haircut, all my baby teeth, and something that looked like a piece of dried apricot. It's either a part of his umbilical cord, or the tip of his umbilical cord. Let's just stick with umbilical cord. Oh, well, only mommy knows. Jules, make Ellie look at me. Ellie. No. I gave it a shot. Okay. Let's go, Trav. Where are we going? Oh. We're going to get matching toe rings. Maybe I'll just stay here, play with my umbilical cord. Let's go. Oh. Come on! Just gimme a taste! I'm tweakin'. Since you won't accept your punishment, you will now watch whilst I give eye contact to Another man. Oh, no. How do you like it, dime eyes? It's cold. Brr. I can't look away. And he gets it All The way Out. Whoo. It's like a-a ghost passed through me. The only way I'm gonna get this to end is if I can get Stan to do something so amazing, she can't help but tell a story about it. Like what? We can get him to pee on you. Keep spitballing. How about on your shoes? Slap out of it! Ooh! We'll get him to walk for the first time. This'll work. Mnh. I can't believe this is our last family dinner. Are we playing tag? It's just a mom touch. I've gotta bank some. Oh, I forgot to get garlic. Do you want to go to the store with me? Not after last time we went out. Oh, my God. Are you even watching where you're going?! I love you, too! Aah! You're alive, you big baby. This is a family dinner. Where the hell is your dad? I love the web. I mean, look at this little kitty right here play the piano. He's just like Bruce rnsby. And have you ever heard of the term "nip-slip"? Bobby! It's a Laurie Keller signature move. I just drop my shoulder, like so You're welcome, nerds. So when I pull on the line, Stan will stand up and walk like like a puppet with a really bad father? Like a baby taking his first steps. When Ellie sees it on the monitor, she'll have to rush out and tell everyone. Perfect plan, huh? You don't even know how dumb you are, do you? Uh oh-ho! Yeah! Think Ellie will buy it? I don't know. Ellie? No. Babe, come on. It's it it's not that bad. Who would ever believe this? Ghost baby. Well, we finished all the steak, so when your dad shows up, I guess I'll have to give him dead baby tacos. I'm probably gonna head out. It's my last night in town, so I'm gonna go meet up with the boys and rage. We're going to get froyo. I'm glad I get to start over in college. I'll come with. Yeah, that sounds super fun, but, tell you what, I'm gonna do my own thing tonight, and then you and I can hop back on the crazy train in the morning. You can't get off the crazy train. There's no stops. That's what makes it so crazy. You're kinda smothering me. With love. It doesn't count. It's still kind of annoying. I'm sorry I'm being so annoying. I hope you enjoyed your meal and all the clothes that I've bought you since you were born. Oh, here comes the guilt trip. Oh, my God. You are so selfish. No, I'm not being selfish. You are. Hey. Irasshaimase! If I'm such a burden- you're already packed. Why don't you just go? Whoa, Jules. Did someone ask you to jump in? Yeah, you're doin' great. Is that what you want? You want me to leave? I don't care. Okay, fine. Fine! Take it easy. Yeah, see ya around, dude. Why didn't you jump in? Hi. Hey. Am I a freak for sleeping in Trav's bed on his first night away? No. You're a freak for wearing his t-shirt as a nightgown. It's a combination of self-doubt a lavender. He uses my body wash. Mm-hmm. He's gonna be a real Alpha male in the dorms. He just left. He's probably having the time of his life. Hi. Are you my roommate? I'm Travis. I'm not a perv or anything. I mean, this isn't some, like, strange girl's ***. This is just my mom's hair scrunchie. That's gonna be my bed. Yep. You know who else I'm mad at? God, I hope it's me. There is one person that could've stopped this from happening. Look at that! Did the world just end? Mommy, I know you're mad at daddy, so I kicked him in the nuts. Boom! I'm glad you find this to be so funny. You you can't stay mad at me for wanting to brag about our son, and honestly, it's a little weird that you don't. I want to tell people about every moment with Stan how he blows kisses in his sleep and he scares himself when he sneezes. Do you remember the time he pooped in your mom's purse? I mean, I had to hold it for him, but still. That was amazing. Let's go tell everybody. "A woman who just talks about her baby may be the unsexiest thing in the world. " Who said that? Ben Vereen? Oh, you know what Ellie. Daddy, who's Ben Vereen? A very talented singer and dancer who got hit by a car. Is he okay? Yeah, I think he's all right. Bobby, if you had bothered to show up to dinner, then Travis and I would not have gotten into a fight, and we would've had the perfect good-bye. I had an awesome good-bye with Travis yesterday. He gave me this computer, and then we had one of those good, solid man-moments where everything gets said but nobody's talkin'. I call it a "non-versation. " Do you think I wanted to spend all day learning how to use this demon box? I'm hooked on adorable animal videos. It's true, Jules, and you know that Bobby's one of those easily distractible types like oh, my God! There is a video of a chicken making change for a dollar. Look, I'm not doing this for fun. I'm learning the Internet so I can e-mail Trav. Look, I know this is hard for you, Jules, but it's *** all of us. I'm okay. Hell, it's probably toughest on Trav. This is his first time ever on his own, and with all e strangers and what not, and he's probably terrified that he's not gonna be able to, uh, you know what the hell is the word I'm lookin' for? Acclimate. Mm. I'm a bad mom. No. I sure am gonna miss that little weirdo. Bobby. Hmm? He's only 20 minutes away. Hey. I've been looking for you. I just came to hang with my friends. Oh. And they're not here yet? You know what we should do right now? We should tell these guys a Stan story together. Oh, excuse us for a second. ***-suicide. We made a pact. If only. Do you not get what a slippery slope this is for me? If I tell one Stan story, I'm gonna have to tell a hundred, and then tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with a sensible mom haircut and jeanup to my armpits. Babe, you are way too nasty and self-involved to ever be a pathetic mommy type. Really? Yes! Guys, back me up. You lied about your own kid's death to get free food. I thought only my mom did that. You're not just saying that to make me feel better? I would never say anything to make you feel better. I dread every minute we spend together. They mean it And so do I. Thanks, Andy. Thanks, guys. Suck it, mom jeans. So, did you come here to yell at me some more? No, but when you use that smart-*** tone, you're kind of asking for it. Look, I'm sorry. I just I never stopped to think that leaving might be really *** you, too. I mean, it's a trillion times harder for me But it's not a contest, because if it was, I would win, and then that's not fair to you. Mom I've been afraid this moment for so long, but I know I raised such a great kid. We raised a great kid. Meh. Mm. Travis, I-I never expected some dramatic good-bye. I just thought that we'd hug, and then I'd wave, and then you'd look back at me with some meaningful glance that just kind of summed up our whole relationship. Oh, I hate that I spoiled this whole thing. And now I can never get that good-bye back. Well, you do only live 20 minutes away. Oh, my gosh. Andy, look. Bye, guys. Bye, Travis. See ya, Trav. Keep it in your pants, porto. Hey Meaningful glance. I love you, mom. I love you, too. Oh! Stan walked. Now is not the time. Right. Well, the e thing you gotta know about Stan is that his two favorite things in the world are his bottle and bananas. The only problem is he calls his bottle "bah-bah," and he calls bananas "beh-beh," so I'm always like, "do you want your bah-bah or your beh-beh?" Or sometimes I say, "do you want your bah-bah and your beh-beh?" Because bananas make him thirsty. The only thing I will not give him again is grape juice. What are you doing? We're going for the first-ever quintuple. Ohh. I'm wiping the blood off. That's right. I'm continuing. Where was I? Oh. Grape juice.