The Trial of Duck Dodgers / Big Bug Mamas

♪ FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE DIVIDE ♪ ♪ BUT HOW WOULD THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE? ♪ ♪ DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY ♪ ♪ PROTECTING THE POWERLESS AND THE WEAK ♪ ♪ DUCK DODGERS, HE'S FIGHTING TYRANNY ♪ ♪ IN THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY ♪ [BEEPING] DIVERT ALL POWER TO THE FORWARD LASER CANNONS. EH-BU-BU, THE ENERGY CORE ISN'T DESIGNED TO-- THAT'S AN ORDER, CADET. EH-BU-BU, THE ENERGY CORE IS GOING TO EXPLODE! WE CAN'T GIVE UP NOW! ALMOST THERE. THAT SHOULD DO IT. IMPRESSIVE USE OF LINE, IS IT NOT, CADET? EH-BU-BU, THE ENERGY CORE IS GOING TO EXPLODE. [MACHINERY CLATTERING AND WHINING] WHAT WAS THAT? EH-BU-BU, THE ENERGY CORE EXPLODED. WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?! [BEEPING] ACTIVATE THE AUXILIARY ENERGY CORE! B-B-BUT WE DON'T HAVE AN AUXILIARY. WHAT?! Y-Y-YOU BURNED IT OUT WHEN YOU USED THE ROCKET THRUSTER TO M-M-MAKE TOAST. CAN'T A GUY ENJOY A CRISPY ENGLISH MUFFIN AROUND HERE? CAN'T HE? I--I'VE DETERMINED THAT OUR PRESENT COURSE OF ACTION IS T-T-TO DRIFT, F-F-FREEZE, S-S-STARVE, AND D-D-DIE. SETTLE DOWN, REGIS. DON'T FORGET THAT I'M A VALUABLE SPACE CAPTAIN OF THE GALACTIC PROTECTORATE. I'M SURE THEY'LL SEND A RESCUE SHIP. HA HA HA! WHO'S MY LITTLE PIGGIE? ARE YOU MY LITTLE PIGGIE? [IMITATING PORKY] SI, SENOR. I'M YOUR L-L-LITTLE PIGGIE. THAT'S RIGHT, AND YOU WOULD NEVER GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. EH HA HA HA! SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAME BACK! OH, WHY DID YOU EVER LEAVE ME? I-I-I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. NOW I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO! [PINGING] A SHIP. [CRASH] A SHIP! A SHIP! A SHIP! UH-OH. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, UH-OH? JUST AS I THOUGHT. IT'S A M-M-MARTIAN SHIP. YECCH! I HATE THAT GUY. BUT THIS DOES GIVE ME AN IDEA. I--I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN. YOUR IDEAS ARE USUALLY EH-STU-STU-EH-RISKY. YEAH, RISKY LIKE A FOX. QUIT FUSSING, CADET. I'M ALMOST FINISHED. I FEEL RIDIC-EH-RIDIC-EH-SILLY. JUST DON'T FORGET THE PLAN. I'LL SNEAK ON-BOARD AND STEAL THE ENERGY CORE WHILE YOU KEEP THE LITTLE RUNT BUSY WITH YOUR FEMININE CHARMS. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY F-F-FEMININE CHARMS. I DO? WHY, YOU LOOK TOP DRAWER, THE CAT'S PAJAMAS. IN FACT, YOU'RE A REAL HOT POTATER. GO ON AND SAY IT. I DON'T WANNA. SAY IT! UH, I'M A HOT POTATER. YOU'VE GOTTA WORK IT, SISTER! I'M A HOT POTATER. THERE YOU GO. I'M A HOT POTATER. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COOL YOUR JETS, CADET. Voice: ATTENTION, SHUTTLECRAFT. AAH! INITIATE VISUAL CONTACT. [SOUTHERN ACCENT] I BRING YOU GREETIN'S, COMMANDER, AND M-M-MANY THANKS FROM MY RACE OF SPACE VIXENS FOR THE RESCUE OF MYSELF, V-V-*** PRINCESS. I WOULD JUST LOVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO L-L-LAND ON-BOARD YOUR L-L-LITTLE OLD SHIP. Marvin: OH MY, YES. PLEASE PROCEED TO THE FORWARD SPACE DOCK. [MARVIN GROWLS] REMEMBER, JUST HAVE FUN WITH THIS, AND LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE. NOW, TO FIND THE ENERGY CORE. THE OLD VENTILATION-SYSTEM TRICK. WONDER WHY THESE THINGS ARE NEVER GUARDED? HUH? AAAAH! GOT TO HANG ON. IF I CAN WEDGE THIS ROD IN JUST RIGHT, MIGHT BE ABLE TO STOP THE FAN BEFORE BEING CUT TO RIBBONS. [METAL CLANGING] YEEOW! [***] AND THIS OVER HERE IS OUR NEGATIVE IODE PLANET SPLITTER. UH. GREAT. HEY, EH, DON'T Y'ALL EVER DO ANYTHING FUN AROUND HERE? FUN? HMM. ACCORDING TO MY QUADRICORDER, THE ENERGY CORE SHOULD BE RIGHT BEHIND THIS DOOR. RAAAUGH! [ROARING] GOTTA THINK FAST. MUST PLAY DEAD. YEWH. [GRUNTING] WHEEE! W-W-WHEEE! THERE'S NOTHING I ENJOY MORE THAN FROLICKING IN A ROOM FILLED WITH EMPTY PLASTIC BALLS. THESE M-M-MARTIAN SHIPS REALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PARTAKE OF NUTRITIOUS MORSELS WITH ME? IF THAT MEANS EAT SOMETHING, C-C-COUNT ME IN. SO, I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TIME TO SETTLE OUR DIFFERENCES. RRRR. APOLOGY ACCEPTED, BIG GUY. [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] HERE'S MY FLOOR. AND REMEMBER MY TWO WORDS OF ADVICE: ANGER MANAGEMENT. NOW, THE BIG GORILLA SAID THAT THE POWER CORE IS AT THE END OF THIS HALLWAY. WHOA, IT SURE IS SHINY... AND SURROUNDED BY A MOAT OF RADIOACTIVE WASTE. THIS CALLS FOR SOME SPECIAL EFFECTS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS STUPID PIECE OF PLASTIC... JUNK? THERE GOES MY RIDE HOME. AH HA HA HA! NOW I JUST HAVE TO POP THIS BAD BOY OUT. SHOULD BE A PIECE OF CAKE. [GRUNTING] MUST BE A TWIST-OFF. [GRUNTING] AHH... MAYBE THE OLD... LUNGE AND JERK! AAUGH! D-D-D-D-D-PFFF! WHEW. AUGH-D-D-D-D-PPPF! [CRACK] I'D LIKE TO GET MY HANDS ON THE JERK WHO BUILT THIS THING. I MEAN, WHO WOULD BUILD A--HMM. WELL, IF IT WAS A SNAKE, IT WOULDA BIT ME. OH, DEAR. SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH THE LIGHTS. ISN'T IT ROMANTIC? EH-HA HA HA HA! RADIOACTIVE WASTE-- HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT! HEY, THAT WASN'T SO BAD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT. I FEEL GREAT, AND EVEN MY VISION SEEMS TO BE IMPROVED. HUNH. AAAAAAHH! I'LL JUST PRETEND LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPENED. ALL RIGHT, TIME TO SIGNAL THE CADET AND BLOW THIS TACO STAND. [IMITATING BIRD] CAW! CAW! CAW! HOO-HOO-HOO! AH-AH-AH-AAAH! E-EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND. I HAVE TO POWDER MY N-NO-NO-SNOUT. I GOT THE ENERGY CORE. LET'S GO. EH-C-COULD YOU GIVE ME, LIKE, 5 MINUTES? I J-J-JUST WANNA LET THE GUY DOWN EASY. HE'S R-R-REALLY BEEN A PERFECT LITTLE GENTLEMAN. LET'S GO! NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS POP THIS BABY IN. NOOOO! NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! HUH? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? WELL, YOU SEE, THE M-M-MARTIAN WAS HAPPY TO GIVE ME ONE. HE HAS A WHOLE STOREROOM FULL OF ENERGY CORES. YOU COULD HAVE SIGNALED AND SAVED ME A LOT OF TROUBLE. WHAT, AND M-M-MISS DINNER? FOLLOW ME TO THE BRIDGE! PREPARE A SUBSPACE E-MAIL TO THE ENEMY SHIP. AYE, CAPTAIN. DEAR MARTIAN LOSER, IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT WHILE YOU WERE MAKING COW EYES AT A MALE PIG IN A DRESS-- UNDERLINED AND BOLD ON "MALE"-- I ELUDED ALL DETECTION AS I SNEAKED ABOARD YOUR SHIP AND STOLE YOUR ENERGY CORE FROM UNDER YOUR NONEXISTENT NOSE. HA HA! SIZZLE AND BURN, YOU SKIRT-WEARING LOSER, YOU. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, LOVE, DDIT 24th 1/2 C. SEND MESSAGE. M-M-M-MESSAGE SENT, SIR. MESSAGE FOR YOU, COMMANDER. "THANKS FOR A LOVELY TIME. SORRY I HAD TO RUN." OH, PEANUTS. I'M ALSO HERE TO REPORT THAT DUCK DODGERS' SHIP HAS BEEN SPOTTED NEARBY. SHALL WE GIVE CHASE? NO, CENTURION, AFTER MY ENCOUNTER WITH THE LOVELY SPACE ***, I'M ACTUALLY FEELING RATHER BENEVOLENT. OK, IT PASSED. DESTROY DUCK DODGERS! THE PRESIDENT OF OUTER SPACE IS GOING TO BE SO ANGRY. WHERE IS THAT DODGERS? HEY, DOC, SLOW DOWN. YOU'RE GONNA WEAR OUT THE LINOLEUM. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! YOU'RE TWO HOURS LATE. WELL, YOU SEE, UH, I WAS AT MY GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, AND, UH, IT RAN KINDA LONG. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT DO YOU THINK I AM? YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 300 YEARS. GENTLEMEN, WE ARE FACED WITH A MOST DIRE SITUATION, MAKING THIS MISSION OF THE UTMOST IMPORT. OH, BY THE WAY, DODGERS, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR GRANDMOTHER. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THE PLANET OF ANDROMEDA 6 IN THE BETA CAROTENE SYSTEM HAS FALLEN UNDER MARTIAN DOMINATION AND IS BEING CONTROLLED BY AN ARMY OF CENTURION ROBOTS. DODGERS, YOUR MISSION IS TO TRANSPORT OUR SPECIAL AGENT TO ANDROMEDA 6. THERE, THE AGENT WILL ORGANIZE FREEDOM FIGHTERS TO EXPEL THE MARTIAN INVADERS. CAN YOU DO IT, DODGERS? I DON'T KNOW. SOUNDS SORT OF-- [LOUDER] CAN YOU DO IT, DODGERS?! WELL, I STILL HAVE A FEW DAYS OF BEREAVEMENT COMING. [SCREAMING] CAN YOU DO IT, DODGERS?! ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT. I'LL DO IT! OF COURSE, I JUST HAD MY HAIR PERMED. SUBATOMIC PROTON TORPEDOES. EH-CH-CHECK. HYPERFLUORIDE TOOTHPASTE. CHECK. ASSORTED HARD CANDIES. EH-CH-EH-CHECK. THE SECRET AGENT. N-N-NOPE. WHAT?! TH-THE AGENT HASN'T REPORTED IN YET. WHERE IS THIS GUY? I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF A JERK SHOWS UP TWO HOURS LATE? DODGERS, THE AGENT IS PREPARED TO BE EVAPORATED UP TO YOUR SHIP. NOW, REMEMBER, WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU. THIS MISSION IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORT. YOU REPRESENT THE ENTIRE-- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. ALL RIGHT, CADET, LET'S BRING THIS KNUCKLEHEAD ABOARD. EVAPORATE. ALL RIGHT, PAL, LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. I-- I...I... I LOVE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. I AM AGENT YOSHIMI. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. YES, MY CHILD. AS YOU KNOW, THIS MISSION IS-- I KNOW. OF THE UTMOST IMPORT. BUT TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. EH-C-CAPTAIN, OUR INSTRUMENTS ARE PICKING UP A M-M-MARTIAN SHIP. SHOULD WE GO ON T-T-TACTICAL ALERT? CAPTAIN DUCK YOSHIMI. IT'S GOT A NICE RING TO IT. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE M-M-MARTIAN VESSEL? MONITOR THE SITUATION, CADET. I'M GOING TO PREPARE FOR MY BELOVED. [BEEPING] I BELIEVE I'VE DETECTED DUCK DODGERS' SHIP. ALTER OUR PRESENT COURSE, AND GO TO FULL PURSUIT. DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY! WHERE ARE THEY? WHOAH-OH-OH! DAMAGE REPORT. WE'VE LOST OUR THRUSTERS. BREAK OFF ENGAGEMENT TO MAKE NECESSARY REPAIRS. ONCE AGAIN FOILED BY YOUR BRILLIANCE, DUCK DODGERS! HEY, CADET, WATCH THE BUMPS! REMEMBER, SMOOTH AND STEADY WINS THE RACE. HANDS AT 10:00 AND 2:00. I'LL T-T-TRY AND REMEMBER THAT, SIR. I'LL BE IN MY QUARTERS. NOTIFY ME IF ANYTHING IMPORTANT COMES UP. EH-M-BU-EH-WILL DO. Marvin: CENTURION, CALCULATE DODGERS' FINAL DESTINATION FROM HIS PRESENT COURSE. DODGERS WILL ARRIVE AT ANDROMEDA 6 IN ONE HOUR. GOOD. THEN WE'LL HAVE A SPECIAL LITTLE SURPRISE WAITING FOR HIM. DUCK DODGERS, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DESTINY. DUCK DODGERS, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DESTINY. HA HA HO HO! TONIGHT, AGENT YOSHIMI'S GONNA MAKE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF ME. AND AN EXTRA SPECIAL OCCASION CALLS FOR AN EXTRA SPECIAL HAIRDO. UM, NEXT. MAYBE NOT. NOPE. NO. I NEED SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL. AAAAAAH! OWWW! OWWW! AAAAAAAH! NICE. ACTIVATE THE MAGNETIC MINE WEB. COMMANDER, DUCK DODGERS' SHIP IS NOT SLOWING DOWN. OBJECT CLOSING FAST. OBJECT? WHAT OBJECT? OH, MY. DAMAGE REPORT. EH-UH-CAPTAIN, WE'VE PULLED INTO ORBIT AT ANDROMEDA 6. C-C-CAPTAIN DODGERS? [HUMMING HERE COMES THE BRIDE] HI. WHATCHA DOIN'? SPY STUFF? I ONCE THOUGHT OF BEING A SPY. POW! POW! POW! TAKE THAT, YOU *** MARTIAN! HELLO? THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP, CADET. YOU'RE SWEET. I'LL G-G-GIVE YOUR REGARDS TO CAPTAIN DODGERS. WHO? OH, YEAH. EVAPORATE. CADET! CADET! WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE, MAN? SPIT IT OUT. I J-J-JUST EVAPORATED HER DOWN TO THE PLANET SO SHE COULD RID ANDROMEDA 6 OF THE M-M-MARTIANS. WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FOREHEAD? IT'S A SIGN. DON'T YOU SEE? SHE LOVES ME! ALL OF THE MARTIAN ROBOTS ARE CONTROLLED FROM THIS CENTRAL LOCATION. IF WE CAN DESTROY THIS TOWER AND DISRUPT THE SIGNAL, THE ROBOTS WILL MALFUNCTION, GIVING US THE OPPORTUNITY TO STRIKE. I'LL NEED TWO OF YOUR BRAVEST TO STEP FORWARD AND VOLUNTEER. IS THERE NO ONE ELSE? I NEED ONE MORE BRAVE SOUL. [CHEERING] HEY, WHAT'S ALL THE CHEERING FOR? YOU JUST VOLUNTEERED FOR A SUICIDE MISSION. OH. REMEMBER, THIS IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS ASSIGNMENT. OH, MY DARLING, IN THIS MOMENT OF GREATEST DANGER, OUR LOVE IS LIKE A FLOWER THAT SHINES IN THE DARKNESS. BUT WE MUST BE STRONG. WE MUST REMEMBER THE CAUSE FOR WHICH WE FIGHT. WHAT ARE WE FIGHTIN' FOR, AGAIN? FOR THE FIFTH TIME, WE ARE FREEING THE PLANET FROM THE ARMY OF MARTIAN ROBOTS. OH, YEAH. WELL, HOW THE HECK ARE WE GONNA DO THAT? DAX AND I ARE GOING TO DISTRACT THE ROBOT GUARDS WHILE YOU BLOW UP THE TOWER THAT CONTROLS THEM. RIGHT. IT'S GO TIME. GOOD LUCK, DUCK. AND YOU, MY LOVE. PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW. ANON...AND ON AND ON AND ON. DID THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU? LET'S GIVE THOSE ROBOTS A WAKE-UP CALL. Yoshimi: HEY! OVER HERE, YOU RUST BUCKETS! COME AND GET US! INTERLOPERS. CATCH THEM! DON'T LET THEM ESCAPE. AND NOW FOR THE LATEST IN FUTURISTIC SPY GEAR: THE ROCKET-POWERED STOCKING CAP! NOT BAD FOR A POLYESTER BLEND. NOW I'LL JUST SET THESE CHARGES AND BE ON MY WAY BEFORE THE BIG KABLOOEY. [BEEPING] IF THAT DUCK DOESN'T BLOW THAT TOWER, OUR GOOSE IS COOKED. I WONDER IF OUR FIRSTBORN WILL BE A BOY? BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FOND OF THE NAME "MONTAGUE." WOW. PRETTY. HE ACTUALLY DID IT. SURRENDER OR BE DESTROYED. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? THE ROBOTS ARE MALFUNCTIONING. THE TIME TO ATTACK IS NOW. NOW TO PICK UP THE WOMAN WITH WHICH I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE. THE REST OF MY LIFE?! THAT COULD BE A LONG TIME. AND WHEN IT'S OVER, I'LL BE DEAD. I WANNA LIVE! DIE, ROBOT INVADERS! THE ROBOTS ARE DEFEATED! [CHEERING] A NEW DAY IS DAWNING FOR YOUR PEOPLE, AS IS MY LOVE FOR YOU. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, BUT OUR LOVE JUST WASN'T IN THE STARS-- ALTHOUGH I GUESS WE WERE. HA HA HA! HOW IRONIC. WELL, TOO BROKEN UP FOR WORDS, EH? CADET, BRING ME ABOARD. DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING? NO. WELCOME BACK, CAPTAIN DODGERS. W-W-WHAT'S THE MATTER? I FEEL LIKE MY HEART'S BEEN TORN OUT BY AN ANGRY ORANGUTAN AND THROWN INTO A BLENDER SET ON "DEVASTATE". DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? UM...NO, BUT WE DID GET OUR NEW ASSIGNMENT. EH-BU-WE'RE TO TRANSPORT A CORIAN PRINCESS TO OMICRON 9. OH, YEAH? WELL, THE NEXT TIME I MEET A DAME, I'M GONNA WALK RIGHT UP TO HER AND SAY... I LOVE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. A-A-AT LEAST HE'S CONSISTENT.