The Exes S3E13 - English Transcript

Good evening, gentlemen. I didn't know it was prom night. Don't let us keep you. You're probably in a hurry to pick up your cousin. Hardy-har. For your information, I am on my way to the opera to see the latest production of Strauss' Die Fledermaus. Holly is on a business trip, so I have an extra ticket. - Huh? Whoever plays their cards right. - Doesn't have to go? That's a lovely offer, Stuart. Unfortunately, I'm due upstairs to see the latest production of Die Cupcake Wars. Well, then I shall go to the theater and offer my ticket to a sophisticated young woman with ample cleavage. You're way too cute to be sitting all alone. Yes, I am. But I am not gonna be alone for long. My girlfriend's on her way over. So you're taken, huh? Uhhuh. In fact, could you get the word out at the next hot girl meeting that Phil chase is officially off the market? How about I send out a tweet? ThatsADamnShame I gotta go. Uh, excuse me. Hi, I'm meeting my boyfriend here. I think this is his jacket. Oh, you mean Phil. That's right. And you are? Donna. And you are? Real curious why you're sitting with my boyfriend. Look, I'll be honest I hit on him big-time, and he shut me down. You've got a good one there. And now he gets to live another day. - Hey, babe. - Hi, Phil. - Mwah. - I believe you know Donna. I don't know Donna. I didn't even know her name was Donna. Why are you still here, Donna, whose name I did not know? Well, I should probably go. It was nice to meet you both. Nice to meet you, not that we ever really met or that I was nice in any way. Phil, it's okay. She told me you turned her down. And you should be very impressed by that because that right there is one One what? I'm gonna get you a drink. Oh, sorry, Phil. I didn't mean to get you in trouble. Oh, it it's all good. See you. Oh, wait, wait. Here's my number. Why don't we get together sometime? Listen, Donna, I keep trying to tell you, I got a girlfriend. I know. I mean the three of us. Hold on now. Uh, you got the wrong Is that an 8? - The Exes S03E13 - - Nothing in Common - What? What is it? Hi. Hello. Um, I need to see Stuart. Stuart? Stuart. Stuart Gardner. He lives here, right? Stuart. Stuart Gardner. Look, I-I know it's late. I know I woke you. Stuart! All right, what is going on? Oh, good, one who talks. I need to see Stuart Gardner. Oh, thank God. The angry ones are usually here for me. Nicki? - What are you doing here? What's wrong? - Oh, I'm too upset to talk about it. What happened? Oh, my God, is it mom? Dad? Are they sick? Are they in the hospital? Are they dead? Of course they're not dead. Dead is a phone call. - So this is your sister? - Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Nicki, these are my roommates Phil and Haskell. Haskell. Nice to meet you guys. I'm sorry for busting in like this. I just need to talk to my brother. Absolutely. Pretty sure this one's my brother. Nicki, please, will you tell me what's going on? Is it you and Tommy? Did you have a row? A what? A tiff, a spat, a squabble. All right, speak English. Okay? Come on. What is going on? The son of a *** is cheating on me. - Oh, no, I'm sorry. What happened? - I can't get into it right now, okay? I'm tired. I just need a place to crash. If you could just make up the couch - Of course. - And I'll take your bedroom. - Good morning. - Good morning. Haskell, what's with the outfit? You look like a cruise ship ***. We prefer the term "nautical escort". Anyway, it's laundry day, and these old things will just have to do. So, uh, where's your sister? Still sleeping, I guess. So, uh, is Nicki a, uh, married woman? She just caught her husband cheating. Oh. So why didn't you mention her? I don't know, I guess we just kind of drifted apart. When I married Lorna, they didn't exactly hit it off. Nicki called her a stuck-up, bloodless ice queen. Worst wedding toast ever. Ah, and there she is now. Good morning. Morning. Haskell, right? Haskell. Right. Has Haskell. Well, it's a new day, and to start it off, I made some freshly brewed coffee and a spinach and mushroom frittata. Or you could just pound a beer. Look, Nicki, I know you're still feeling kind of raw, so I'm not gonna rush you. Whenever you're ready to talk about it I hope that son of a *** dies a slow, painful death. Then comes back to life and dies again even slower. Wow. - So how'd you find out Tommy's cheating? - Well, I've had my suspicions for a while, but last night when he was in the shower, I read some texts to a "***", "I need you. I miss you. I can't live without you. " You know, like your letters to mom from camp. Anyway, what did he say when you talked to him about it? What's there to talk about? Our marriage is over, irregardless of what he has to say. Actually, it's just "regardless". There's no such word as "irregardless". My marriage is in the toilet. I could care less if I use the wrong word. It's "I couldn't care less. " Okay, you see, this is why we all voted to send you away to camp. You know when I get upset, I correct grammar. Look, Nicki, you can't just throw away a marriage without finding out what's really going on. Oh, I know what's going on. I'm divorcing his cheating ***. I know it looks bad, and maybe it is, but every marriage has its crests and troughs, its zeniths and nadirs. All right, talk like a person. I've been where you are. I know you're hurt. I know you're angry. But trust me, divorce should be the last step, not the first. You're right. First, I'm gonna go shopping at Bloomies, and I ain't gonna stop until I Max out his credit cards. That's right, I said "ain't. " Haskell, can I ask you something? It's laundry day. Laundry day! Sure, whatever. Anyway, listen, I have a problem. Last night at the bar, this smokin' hot woman offered to have a three-way with me and Eden. Yes, that is troubling. No, I mean, how do I bring it up to Eden, man? I want this so bad, things hurt. Am I to infer that the great Phil Chase has never partaken of a Ménage à trois? Like you have. August 1994. Des Moines. I'd just won the midwest bowling invitational. That evening, at the Red Roof Inn, there was a knock at my door, and there they were, the Zurecki sisters, Together, not each. Oh. Let's just say that that night, the Gods of Eros were pleased. The family in the next room, not so much. Well, wish me luck. I'm gonna need it. Where are you going? To Staten Island to see my brother-in-law Tommy. If Nicki won't talk to him, then I will. I have to find out if this marriage can be saved. It can't be saved. That marriage died years ago. - How do you know? - If you watch as much daytime TV as I do, you'd know when love's dying ember has finally burned out. Well, you may be right, but I have to at least try, although I don't relish the idea of confronting Tommy. - He can be a bit of a brute. - Oh, what's he do? - He's a homicide cop. - Oh. Have you ever thought about confronting him on Skype? Mm. No, no, this is something that has to be done mano-a-mano. Where you gonna get the other mano? Tommy, yoo-hoo! I'm over here. Hey, Stuart. - This is my partner, Frank. - What's going on? Nice to meet you. - Frank, could you give us a minute? - Oh, sure, Tommy. First of all, thanks for agreeing to meet me. I understand this is a delicate situation. No problem. Nicki told me about the texts. Tommy, you don't have to be a detective to figure out you got someone else in your life. Look, Stuart, I just want you to know I love your sister more than anything, always will. Tommy, you owe it to each other to try to save this marriage. There's counseling. There's weekend workshops. Trust me, it's It's not gonna work. But I just don't see why not. Give me one good reason why you won't even try. Tommy, just got a call. I got you a coffee for the road. Strong and sweet, like you. Oh. Hey, there she is. - Hey, babe. - Hi. - You are looking good. - Well, thank you. I was so surprised when you called me at work to have lunch. This is new. Yeah. Well, new is good. Mwah. New is what keeps a relationship fresh and exciting, mixing it up, trying new things, experimenting. Okay, Phil, what's going on? Funniest thing. You remember that woman from the bar last night? Donna, the one who hit on you? That's the one. Turns out And here's where it gets really, really silly She wants us to participate in a mutually agreeable, some might even say intriguing Spit it out. She wants us to have a three-way. - What? - And I was outraged too! I mean, there is no way in hell that we would ever, ever consider doing that. Right? Right? Uh, wow. I've never done anything like that before. I've never done anything like that before either. Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to invite her over for drinks. No, wouldn't hurt, wouldn't hurt. And if we hit it off and if the mood is right and if I feel totally comfortable And if all those ifs are met Then I suppose my answer might be yes. Yes! She said yes, everybody. Hey, Haskell. - Nicki home yet? - No. So how'd it go with her cop husband? Is the marriage over? Oh, it's over. What a shame. Wow, you weren't kidding when you said you were gonna Max out his card. Oh, I did some major damage Bag, shoes, designer clothes. I even bought a jewel-encrusted bra. How stupid is that? So I bought two. - Oh, m-may I help you with your bags? - Oh, thank you. You're so sweet, Haskell. Nicki, I think you and I should have a little talk. Look, Stuart, I know what you're gonna say, and you're right I can't just walk away from 17 years of marriage. Of course you can. When it's over, it's over. Turn the page. Move on. What are you talking about? You're the one who said, "if two people are talking, there's hope. " There's no hope. Hope is overrated. Walk away, don't look back. - Okay. What's going on? - Nothing's going on. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I went to see Tommy. You went to see Tommy without asking me? - I know, I just - All right, what did he say? What did he say? Well, we talked. He was very cordial. - He introduced me to his partner Frank. - Frank, yes. Those two were inseparable. I mean, if they're not on an all-night stakeout, they're going on weekend camping trips or roughhousing in the basement. All right, anyway, did he admit that he was seeing someone? Did he tell you who she is? - Actually, he did. - Oh, really? Who is it? Who is that ***? That *** is Frank. What are you talking about? Nicki, Frank's not just his partner. He's his partner. What? No. What? No. What? I'm sorry, I know this must be kind of a shock. - I need a drink. - Ooh, yeah. I'll I'll open us up a nice Pinot gris. I mean, how could he be gay, and you're not? The only bad part about living in the city is that it's hard to have a dog. Oh, I know, growing up, I had the cutest little beagle named Sammy. I had a yorkie named Boomer. Oh, pfft, Boomer. You guys have so much in common. More wine? - I'd love some. - Me too. I'm feeling this. Are you feeling this? 'Cause I'm feeling this. Yeah, we We kinda get that. You know, I'll get the wine. Yeah, and I'll help. Hey, don't you go nowhere. All right, I'm just gonna say it. I like her. Actually, I do too. Really? So Let's just say it's headed in the right direction. Did you just giggle? Hey, I'm back. What you looking at? Oh, just an old picture of me and Boomer. Oh, look at that cute little dog. Hello, Boomer. Hello, Boomer. I miss him so much. Oh, yeah, but the The the great thing is he had an amazing life. Look at him leaping in the air to grab that frisbee. That was right before he was carried off by a hawk. No, let's Let's Let's find some happier times, okay? Uh, who's that dapper dude on the golf course? - That's my pop-pop. - Aw. Right before he was struck by lightning. Where's the damn wine? Here it is. Oh, no, Donna. What's wrong? Just talking about Boomer got me thinking of some sad times. You poor thing. You poor, poor thing. What are you doing? Uh, consoling? Come here, girl. How insensitive can you be? - Maybe I should just go. - No, no, no. You shouldn't be alone at a time like this. You should be with two other people in the bedroom. So not happening. Come on, Donna. I'll help you get a cab. No, no. Don't go. We can work this out. Do it for Boomer. You okay? How could I not see what was going on? I feel like an idiot. And sure, as the years went on, Tommy and I spoke less and less and didn't have much sex. But compared to my girlfriends' marriages, we were on fire. Well, don't beat yourself up. I didn't know my marriage was in trouble until the moment Lorna kicked me out. What am I gonna do, Stuart? All I know is how to be married. Kinda envy Tommy. At least he knows who he is. And you will too. I wish I could tell you it won't be painful, but it hurts like hell. And then, just when you think you've hit rock bottom, it gets worse. That is the suckiest pep talk I've ever heard. Well, you'll get through it, okay? And you won't be alone. As a traveler on life's winding and weary road, you found a co-passenger. Talk like a person. I'm here for you. Thank you, Stuart. Well, one good thing has come out of this whole mess, huh? You and I are back in each other's lives. One very good thing. All right, well, I better get back to Staten Island. Yeah. Tommy and I got a lot to talk about. I'll tell you what, why don't you come back to the city next weekend? I've got tickets to see Strauss' Ein Heldenleben. Right. You're right. This is gonna be painful. Thank you. Oh, excuse me. I'm just I'm just I'm Uh, excuse me, Haskell. And so it begins.