Cougar Town S2E17 - English Transcript

Okay, we all know why we're over here. Because we're always here? Partly, but today Bobby's heading off to do his first pro golf tournament in years. To Bobby! To me! Jules, I didn't know that you sponsor an African child. Oh, yeah. Little Omari. He's 10. I got to say, those letters are getting a little repetitive-- "It's hot, I'm hungry, there's snakes," you know. Sure, sure. But it would be great if we did actual volunteer work, you know? I raise money for public schools. I help eradicate non-indigenous species in the Everglades. I don't know what that means. I volunteer at a soup kitchen. Being a taster doesn't count. I volunteer at a women's shelter. So everybody does charity work except for Andy and me? I volunteer at the shelter, too. During self-defense classes, the women take turns kicking me in the crotch. So it's like a day at home for you. Laugh! I am totally tweeting that. "Another day, another kick in the crotch. " The larmy is gonna love this one. That's my Twitter name. "TheLArmy" stands for "the Laurie's army. " Good God. An army of jelly beans. Bobby, I wish you'd let me go with you. Sorry, J-Bird. If you're there, I'll be as nervous as a rabbit at a racetrack. What did he say? I have no idea. You can come Saturday if I make the cut. When you make the cut. Okay, everybody, let's hold hands. Come on. Get no! Come on. Let's do it. Bobby, give me your lucky visor. Now, everyone, close your eyes. Feel your body's positive energy, all of it. Feel it flowing through the hat. This is what I do with my life now. I'm instructing the larmy to tweet positive vibes. They're called twibes. Bobby doesn't need vibes. I'm his caddy. Got it covered. His putter's on top of the car. I know that. And away we go. Positive vibes on the car, everyone! Positive vibes! Just when I thought your bar couldn't get any less cool Bar trivia! Welcome to T. G. I. Grayson's, everyone. It'll be good for business. Ugh. These games are designed to make you feel like a fool in front of total strangers. I mean, seriously, it's my biggest fear. When it happens, I go into total-body shutdown. I-I can't speak. I look like a super-sexy corpse. Way to self-compliment. I thought I snuck it in there. Okay. Let's play. Jelly Bean's out, for obvious reasons. What? Why me? Jules is also out biggest fear. Biggest fear. So that leaves me, college, and the bartender who pretends he's smart but who methinks is secretly a jelly. Oh, it's on, ice woman. What's Bobby's lucky visor doing here? Oh, no. He and Andy stopped by here for lunch. They must have forgotten it. Oh, great. Are we sure Andy's the right person to take care of him? All right. Everything's put away. You think I can fit in this duffel bag? I do not. Okay, we're agreed. Whoever loses trivia has to drive Bobby's visor to him. What?! You're not even playing! I know. He's just pissy 'cause he's in last place. You okay there, buddy? You seem a little dumb. Yeah, what, does your college just let anyone in? No, you have to be really good at art so yeah. I am so glad I'm not playing that game. I mean, look. Some doctor named Benjamin Rush signed the Declaration of Independence? Hmm. The only two names I know are John Hancock and Richard Stands. John Hancock is a real person? I thought it was a sex act. Okay, so now that I feel so guilty, what charity do you think I should jump into? Do mine! It's called the Wonder of Reading, and we help raise funding to keep libraries in public schools. I went to a crap school in a crap neighborhood, and reading really got me out. Aw, really? No, car modeling did, but it's really fun to say reading did. Damn it! How the hell am I supposed to know who Bob Griese is? Sorry, sport. Good news-- We'll never call you "sport" again, 'cause obviously, you know nothing about sports. Bad news is, you have to drive two hours to deliver a magical visor full of dreams and rainbows. Which are real and important. I will not be mocked. "I will not be mocked. " Mom, they're mocking me. Mocking is bad. I know, sweetie. So you drive up there and you make sure things go smoothly. Is this really necessary? Get me outta here, man! My golfing shoulder's starting to cramp up! The zipper's stuck! Oh, my God. From now on, I'm in charge. Dad, we have to sign in at the Clubhouse at 8:00 A. M. I set your alarm, laid out some clothes, and bought you some socks. Andy, you're gonna be carrying a heavy bag in the hot sun for hours. Are you ready for that? I've been training in the pool for weeks. I wasn't pointing fingers, Carol. I just think we should have had enough coffee and Danish for the teachers as well. You are gonna be the best thing that ever happened to this charity, but I can't believe how quickly you took over. Watch this. Shh, shh. I own the shush clap. We are so excited about our new library. Can we give a big round of applause to the women who helped make it happen? Would you ladies like to say something? I didn't prepare anything. Reading Is everything. I grew up in the hood, y'all. My best friend Jo Jo got shot in the face. It should have been me, but reading got me out. I think it would be appropriate if Mrs. Cobb led the pledge of allegiance. All rise. Wow. Cool. Okay. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for Richard Stands What? It's "for which it stands. " Oh. Oh, no. Full-body shutdown. Breathe. Jules, honey, just breathe. Help me. I thought Richard Stands wrote the Pedge of Allegiance. That's why he got to sign the Declaration of Independence. Of course. Sure. "Richard Stands" sounds real, like one of those guys that you don't really know what he did, but there's a beer named after him. You know who should have a beer named after them? Ben Franklin. Yeah, he invented baseball, he was an awesome president, and he made the first wig. Zero of those things are correct. Okay. Those kids are gonna tell their parents what happened, their parents are gonna tell their friends This is why you don't do charity work. I'm gonna go up and get in my bed for about a week. Just tell everyone I have mono. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You shouldn't feel stupid. You know, most Americans don't even know who the Secretary of State is. Please don't ask me. Well, I don't even know how many Supreme Court justices there are. We're all dumb. Speak for yourself. There are nine. Nine. Mm-hmm, and how many members of congress are there? Well, that's a trick question, 'cause You know, it depends on, uh You know, what the lobbyists are doing in the districts Fine. We're all dumb. Really? I'm so dumb. Yes. Aw. Thank you. You know what? From this point forward, what happened at that school will not bother me. Attaboy, Richard. That will never be spoken of again, which is why it will not bother me. Good-bye. So I hear that she kicked your ***. Must sting to lose to oldie locks. I let her win. Really? Let's go again. Ooh. Can I play, too? That would be like taking candy from a baby. No. An animal baby. You're so mean. I swear, I can't get over it. It's good, right? Uh-huh. Don't take me lightly. I'm actually better than you think. You'd have to be. Ooh! Hot mustard, these holes are smaller here. Look, you just need to calm down, okay? Maybe stop randomly holding your breath so much? Andy, what's going on? You having a little stroke? I got some water in my ear this morning, doing my drills in the hotel pool. You went in that pool? It's gross. There's a dead seagull in it. I better run and get some rubbing alcohol to dry it out. No. There's no time. Man, I'm nervous. Andy, confidence dance. Andy Man down, Trav. Sub in, baby. This guy keeps looking at me like he knows what happened at the school. I bet he's the dad of that little blonde girl. They both have the same stupid pony tail. You're imagining it. Stay strong. Thank you. I'm much better now. Okay. All right. Time-out on the game. It's your turn. Three, two, one. Hey, Jules. Hey. I really don't think that's why he's staring at you. You know, honey, he probably just thinks you're really hot. My calves do look pretty great. You know, the trick is to store your cookies on the top shelf, and then you just go for them one at a time. Okay, sweetie. Game on. Yes! Ha! The answer is grandma Moses. You should have gotten that, Ellie. Weren't the two of you, like, sorority sisters? All right. Game off. Bobby's about to play. No, we're playing! I said game off. Next up is Bobby Cobb. A great story-- A local club pro, and at 40, his career is getting a second act. All right, bud. Now or never. Moment of truth, Bobby! Am I talking loud? Let's hold hands. Okay. Bobby needs positive vibes. Vibes can't be sent through a TV. What do you know about vibes? Or positivity, for that matter? Come on. Hold my hand. Beautiful shot! Whoo! Psychically strong! Do you take requests? 'Cause I'd like to talk to my dead parents. All right, finish the game. Uh-oh. Last question, and this one's gonna decide it. Huh. Where is Mauritania? Aw, looks like pretty boy is out. I know this, I know this Doesn't seem like you do. Africa Boom! I win! No! "Dear TheLArmy-- Operation 'suck it' is complete. " Okay, put Bobby back on. Well, well. If it isn't Gulf haven's resident historian. Excuse me? I was talking with my life coach Kenny-- Yes, I have a life coach, which is why I'm kicking ***! His daughter told him about your recent pledge gaffe at her school. I knew it. Richard Stands. Yeesh. Oh, but thank you. Everybody's gonna know. Hey, Bobby's back on. All right, it's 260 yards to the green. My brain says play it safe, but my man parts say go for it. Andy, hand me the hammer. I can't hear anything. Act out what you said. Oh, hammer! Okay. Dear lord, you know I don't bother you unless it's important. Except for the time that I asked you to speed up my bangs. I'm sorry. It was just-- seemed so serious. But this is a true emergency. Please, please, take the spotlight off of me and put it onto someone else. Amen. Ohh! Whoo-hoo! That's a great-- Oh, no. Bobby Cobb has just hit his competitor's ball onto the green. What? I don't think he even knows that he's made a huge, huge error. Bobby celebrates, riding his club like it's a horse. That's a 2-stroke penalty for hitting another player's ball. Why didn't his caddy stop him? I don't know. Uh, he appears to be drunk. What a devastating start for this local club pro. I hope our guy is strong enough to bounce back and not let it sink him. Uh, he's not. Now you listen? Not a great day for local golf pro Bobby Cobb, who, after hitting another player's ball in a tournament, had a full-on meltdown, not to mention his caddy stumbling into a sand trap. Well, at least they didn't use the name. Hats off to you, Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb. You're a legend. You were on TV. That's neat! Yeah, I'm going home. Oh, come on, man. Nobody watches sports. "Wrong Balls" is trending on Twitter. It's above "Bieber. " Helpful. What? You all sound like that teacher on the "Peanuts" cartoon. Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! This is my fault. Travis, blaming yourself for someone else's actions is ridiculous. Besides, I made this happen by wishing it so. I really abused my powers. You don't have any powers. My psychic said you'd say that. Psychics are stupid. She said you'd say that. Well, I can't win at this game. Calm down. This is my screwup. Let me go apologize to dad. No. This is my bad. I get to apologize to him. Cool! Wizard versus nerd! "I'll strike you down with my spell!" "No, science is the answer!" Ah, aha! I think I got it out. Somebody say something to me. Wah, wah-wah, wah, wah-wah. It chews gum while it eats buffalo wings. How did it beat us? Look I used to watch "Jeopardy!" every day because I had a major lady rod for Alex Trebek Till I found out he was Canadian. Gross. This can't end like this. Team up if you want. I'll take you both down together. Want to form an alliance? Team up like NATO? Isn't NATO the guy that lived in O. J. 's guest house? How? I just don't understand how you can't see this is all my fault. Um, because you're not magic? Aah! Oh, honey, I just wish that water would come out already. Ah--ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho-ho! Ohh! Ohh! I believe. Look. How many of these have you sold? Ten. Okay, I'm gonna buy the rest. Here. Okay. Everybody, we got to find the other ten. Let's split up. Okay. No, no. No, move it! I need that shirt. Give me the shirt. You're a weirdo. This will never be spoken of again. Come on. What? "'Sup, TheLArmy? I'm super busy whipping some chump-houses. " Hey, bartender, how could you miss a question about bartending? I don't know, okay? You missed the one about blood-draining parasites. Not the same. It is the same. All right. What's up? Mom said I could apologize first, and then she's going to, and I quote, "Bring it home with some real emotion. " Look, you always have my back, and I feel awful that-- She's inhaling to cut me off and start talking, so I just want to close with I love you! It was my fault. I was so embarrassed by that school thing, that I wished that something bad would happen to take the spotlight off of me. I wished that you would mess up. Okay, Trav, go ahead. Dive in. Let him know what you did was worse. Nope. You win. That's horrible. So you "noonaned" me? What? "Caddyshack" reference, means you wanted him to mess up. Oh. Yes, then I "noonaned" you. I would do anything to take this all back. I even went out and bought all these shirts. What kind of jerk would want to profit from your pain? What up! Thank you very much. Yes! No fair! "Music from the '80s"? You guys, I'm too young. All I know about music from the '80s is Everything! I feel good about this. I slept with a few bands in the '80s. Yeah, well I hope you banged your way from A-Ha to ZZ Top, because we need this. You always did hate to be embarrassed, J-Bird. I'm weird that way. When somebody humiliates me, I go straight-up revenge. Oh. Oh, hey, dad, what's the name of that "Hold on Loosely. " Thank you. "Hold on Loosely. " Oh! Game, set, miz-atch! Aw. Bar's closed! Everybody out, bar's closed. Wow, big brain and rockin' hoots and stems? Just goes to show you, can never judge a book by its front part. I'm serious! I'm serious! Everyone out! I've been helping her destroy 'em all day. You are an evil genius. I'm just evil. Okay. First off, you know these t-shirts are non-refundable, right? Yeah, I saw the sign on the table. Secondly, you didn't make anything happen to me. I know. I mean, I am very powerful. So powerful. Yep. You control things with your mind. I wanted you to do so well in that tournament. But then I got a little bit embarrassed, and then that just went out the window. I'm just--I'm so sorry, Bobby. I got a one-word response to that. Ha! Come on. I want to show you somethin'. Wrong balls! You know it! No way. Wrong balls! That's right, baby! Hey, buddy. Here you go. Thanks, Mr. Wrong Balls. Did you hear that? He called me "mister. " Aw, there's always a first. Jules, embarrassing things happen to me a lot. So what's the point in hiding from it? I just put on a big smile, and I say, "I chumped it, world, and I think it's funny, too. " And next thing you know, boom, pop culture phenom. Wrong Balls! Hey, call me. Now that I'm famous, my golf lessons are booked solid. I don't even have to buy my own drinks anymore. Well, you never did that. Well, now it's not stealing. True. And you know how much I like meatball subs, right? Well, guess who's the new spokesperson for Mel's Hoagie Hut? I can't believe this. Hey, look, I know you biffed it with the kids yesterday. Stupid blabby town. Just remember, you can't hear the world laughing at you if you're laughing harder. You gotta own it, sugar. Hey. It's me, the "Richard Stands" lady. Okay, shh-shh. Now before I start reading, I thought we would do the real pledge of allegiance. All rise. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, invisible What? Because God is invisible. Yeah, yeah That makes total sense. I've never seen God. No, I've never seen him either. Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb here for Mel's Hoagie Hut's new meatball sub. Don't eat, genius. You won't be able to talk. It's so good Cut. Hey, kids. Bobby "*** Walls" Cobb here-- Cut. Hey, Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb here, for Mel's Hoagie Hut's new meatball sub. It's so good, 100% horse-free. Not a good thing to say. Take it from me, don't eat the wrong balls. Eat the right balls. Well, finally, one we can use. Can I eat now?