Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps S5E4 - English Transcript

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys (Radio) Ohhh. My Where's my duvet? My vase. My Habitat lamps. My scatter cushions. Oh, my God, I've had gay burglars! Donna! God, they've taken her, as well. I've moved my stuff back to my house. It's more convenient. More convenient for what? For not seeing your lying *** face ever again. I didn't lie to you, Donna, I just didn't tell you something. Should I tell you every single thing I ever do? Like Well, like yesterday, I had Smarties for dinner and last night I had a dream about a giraffe Last month you had sex with my best friend. You just forgot to mention it. It didn't mean anything. It was just summat that happened. Maybe the same can be said for our relationship. It didn't mean anything, it's just something that happened. But we're going to Ecuador. I've already packed. I'm still going. I'll tout your ticket at the airport. Donna Can you stop being calm? Can't we have a row? For a row, you need two points of view, but I think you're a scumbag and so do you so, for once, we agree. I'm truly sorry I slept with Janet, but it only happened once. Well, three times, but it was all in the same go so it counts as once. It's the stupidest thing I've ever done, but now you know so, if you forgive me, we'll be all right. Gaz, come here. I bought this, as well. (Radio) Give me more, more, more, more - Turn that bloody racket off. - Girls Aloud, it's your favourite. - (Turns radio off) - I'm practising for when I'm a dad. I don't mind Busted cos at least they play their own instruments. You'll be great. You'll have loads of fun. I've decided to be a strict, slightly intimidating father. I shall summon them to the library to recite logarithms. Woe betide them if they make a mistake! - We haven't got a library. - Well, I'll join one. You won't be strict. You're a big softy. I'm not. Look, I'm growing a moustache. If I start now, you might see it by the time the baby's born. It's great to do all these irrelevant things, but there are important things to do, too. - I know. I've already done one. - You've got a job? Don't be daft. I've bought a car. - What kind of car? - Dunno. Gaz sorted it. Must be a good one, though, cos it cost £100. But you can't drive. You haven't got a licence. So what's this? "Cycling proficiency. " - And it says you failed. - Oh, well, Gaz is gonna teach me. I want everything to be ready for when we hear a little baby voice crying out (Louise) Is anybody in? Just to let you know, I've finally sorted out my courtroom appearance. - Oh, you've got a lawyer? - No, I've got a dress. Look. It cost a fortune, but it makes me look innocent. I'll leave this here for my solicitor. She's coming to hear Jonny forgive me. - Forgive you? What for? - For nearly getting you shot. - Oh, yeah. - Partly that. Also it looks good in court, proves I can be a useful member of society again. Again? And I know Jonny forgives me. He's such a big softy. I am not a big softy, I'm a grown man. No one tells me what to do. - He's so cute when he has a tantrum. - Well, how cute is this? - I don't forgive you. - Jonny. - Well, you've got to. I forgive you. - What for? For that haircut. For being lazy and a bit stupid. For smelling of ham. - I don't think that's helping. - How can I make you forgive me, then? Not by waltzing in without wiping your feet and asking cheeky questions! Now, go to your room, young lady, and think about what you've done! - But - Ah. But - Ah. - But - B-b-b - Oh. Ooh. Wow, that was quite masterful. Like I said, once I'm a dad, I'll need to start being serious. Right. So perhaps it's time to think about getting a job. (Radio) # feel my touch # Jump! If you wanna taste my kisses in the night - The flat seems empty without Donna. - Aw. Would you like me to come round and *** you in it? No! Look, Kelly, the last thing I wanna do is upset Donna even more. Aw, but I want a boyfriend. Munch was all right for a bit, but well, I was afraid of snapping him. Look, babe, you're a lovely girl. - I want Donna back. - It's cos of my clothes, innit? My mum always said I wasn't slutty enough. She's a ***. And some Fox's Glacier Mints for long journeys. It's only my first driving lesson. I won't need all this. - You never know. - Where did you get it? - It was my granddad's before he died - Aw. in a terrible car crash. - Huh. - Off you go, then. - See you later, baby mother. - All right, Jonny? - Just off for a driving lesson off Gaz. Better hurry up. He might get bored and teach someone else behind your back. OK. Hiya. Oh, God, Jonny driving a car. Seems like yesterday he was on the Postman Pat machine outside Tesco. But it was yesterday. - Donna? - I know what happened. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm glad you've found out. I really wanted you to know. Can I just check, what is it you actually know? You and Gaz. OK, then. Sorry, sorry, sorry. How did you find out? My first clue was something Gaz said. We were just lying in bed, chatting about this and that. He said, "I've had sex with Janet. " Yes, I think that was it. - It only happened once. - Three times. But all in the same go so it counts as once. God, Donna, I am so sorry. I'm really glad you know. I've felt terrible about this. Aw, have you? Aw. - How can I make things right? - You could tell me you're sorry. That it'll never happen again. You could remind me of the great times we've had. - Yeah. - But that wouldn't work. I think the only thing that might make me feel a tiny bit better - Yeah? is if I beat you up. - Beat me up? - Kick the living *** out of you. - I don't think that'd make you feel better. - Oh, I think it will. We can't pick up the pieces of our friendship till you've picked up the pieces of your teeth. - Donna, can't we - It's for the best. I'm pregnant! Great, yeah! Now I can't even *** yer! Right, where's Herbie? - Who's Herbie? - My name for the car. - Only girls give names to their cars. - But I like Herbie. Make it a special name for your ***. - He's already called Quentin. - Make it your special name for my ***. That's a far more masculine thing to do. Let's have a look at her. - The car, Munch. - Oh, right you are. Gaz Gaz, it's beautiful. - It isn't a Rolls-Royce or anything, but - Isn't it? - Isn't it? - As mechanics, we can do it up for you. I've started already. Look, electric windows. Wow. I'm so lucky. New car, engaged to Janet. I wasn't gonna tell you this yet, but Janet's pregnant. - What? Since when? - Four weeks. It was four weeks ago that I dumped Kate and got back with Janet. Otherwise Kate might've taken the bullet. Yeah. It's thanks to you that me and Kate split up so, in a funny sort of way, it's thanks to you that Janet's pregnant. - No, it isn't. - It is, Gaz. - (Car horn) - You having a driving lesson or what? Go on, Munch, back it out for us. - (Car) Stand well clear. - (Bleeping) Stand well clear. Vehicle reversing. You should still punish me. I deserve to be punished. You could scratch me. Bite me? Um give me a Chinese burn. A really bad one. Or a dead leg. God, I hate dead legs, they kill. I know what I'm gonna do. You shagged Gaz, I'll *** Jonny. *** for tat. Donna, that's silly. Silly, yeah, yeah. Be silly to *** someone else's boyfriend. Silly, silly, silly! I'm such a silly sausage! Donna, no! Shave all my hair off! Shave it off and I'll eat it! Bye! Donna! (Jonny) Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Steady! (Gaz) Don't worry, it's always a bit jerky on the first lesson. I'd agree with you, Gaz, if I was the one driving! Whoa! - Are you sure you're OK? - I'm fine. You've been weird since I mentioned the baby. No, it's brilliant about the baby. The thing that's bothering me is Donna's left me. - You must've done something terrible. - I slept with someone else. Gaz, who was she? - You don't know her. - I know everyone round here. She's not from round here. She's She's a gypsy. Wow! That's why Donna was in such a bad mood. You've seen Donna? Did she tell you about about the gypsy? Don't call her "the gypsy", she's got a name! Yes Consuelo. She didn't tell me. She's probably still there. I'll get her. Wait, I'll get her. (Starts engine) Vrrrrmm! Vrrrrmm! (Squeals) Hi, Jonny, you going my way? Donna? - Janet. - Gaz. - Are you, er - Yeah, I'm Look, er Jonny told me about the Oh. - I mean - It's OK. - There's no way it could be? - No, it's definitely not Good. So Jonny's the Yeah, he's - But you know for - Yeah, um Good. Can I have a It's good that we can talk about this. Yeah. It's always best to be Yeah. Gaz, why did you have to tell her? I don't know. It just came out. If you hadn't spilled the beans, things would've been all right. It was when I spilled my beans to you, the problem started. Where is Donna? - She's gone looking for Jonny. - To tell him about us? - No, she's gone to have sex with him. - What? It's for revenge. She won't persuade him. She's not selling raffle tickets, Janet! She's offering her pink, young flanks up for his pleasure. - Her pink what? - Flanks! She's got amazing flanks. Jonny's gonna want a piece! He isn't. That'll never happen. People don't *** their best friend's girlfriend. - You can put her in gear now if you like. - OK. You'll have to move your hand. Jonny, I want you to take me, right here, right now. - I knew this would happen. - Did you? Oh, yeah. I said to meself, "Jonny, as soon as you get some wheels, "you'll be peeling off the women like scabs. " - That's what's got you going. - Yeah, whatever. Just take me! I'm sorry, Donna. This is a family car and I'm a family man. - With one careful lady owner. - What? It's women's dream to make love in a car like this, but take that fantasy home to Gaz. He's made mistakes, but he's a good bloke. You should forgive him. Jonny, you really are a very lovely man. No doubt about it, Herbie, you're a sex-mobile. (Engine creaks and groans) Jonny, there you are. I've been desperate. Bloody hell, it does work! I've thought of a way to make you forgive me. I'm going to bribe you. - With biscuits. - Well, that's just stupid. What kind? - What did she do to you? - Offered me biscuits. - Not her. Donna. - Did she touch you? She's upset about you and Consuelo, but we had a little talk and I think she might come round. (Whispered conversation) (Tapping) - Gaz, I'm not stupid. - What do you mean? - Something's going on back there. - What? - (Tapping) - A kind of tapping noise at the back. - Ask Munch to do something about it. - Yeah, course. Sorry. - Munch, stop tapping. - (Munch) Right you are. "The most vulnerable road users are pedestrians, cyclists and motorcyclists. " And hedgehogs. Hello, Jonny. I've got something for you. - I've told you, I won't be bribed. - Oh, it's not a bribe. This time it's more of a threat. Herbie! What have you done to him? If you don't read this forgiveness speech to my solicitor, your precious Herbie will be in for a crushing disappointment. Eh? - I mean he's going to the crusher. - You're a monster! Not at all. My solicitor will be here in three hours. Obey me and you'll be back behind the wheel before you can say, "I forgive you, Louise. " (Laughs maniacally) Ta! - Fine, crush him. I don't care! - (Door slams) - What are you doing here? - Um Can I borrow the tin opener back just for a minute? Been trying to open these hot dogs with a shoe. It's not happening. - Still not forgiven me? - For lying to me? For betraying me? For tearing my life to pieces in front of my face? Yeah. No. - We can still be friends, eh? - Forget about me. - You've got more important problems. - Like what? Haven't you figured it out? Janet's having your baby. - No, it isn't mine. She told me. - Come on! A. Janet has slept with Jonny a million times, but has never got pregnant. Even his name's a contraceptive. One squirt from you and she's up the stick. B. To shut me up, all you had to do was say you used a ***. You did not say that, therefore no ***. - We used a ***. - Bit late for that now. C. It is a known fact that strange sperms are more likely to get you pregnant. That's just nature's way of being a right ***. - That's a load of ***. - Yes, but a load of whose ***? *** off, now. I've got a plane to catch. - Today? We weren't going for weeks. - I moved it forward. - No point hanging round here. - You can't just run off round the world. I know that. That's why I'm getting a plane. Leave now, please. No. No, I forbid you to go to the airport, do you hear me? - I forbid you. - Huh. Tough. April fool. - What? - It was just a big practical joke. I didn't really sleep with Janet. Just pretended for a laugh. You should've seen your face! - Say what you want and leave. - Whatever I want? Yes! Don't make this any more difficult. I know this is hard but there's no way you'll change my mind. OK. See you later. Thank you. Good! "On our journey through life, we are privileged to meet "one or two truly remarkable individuals. "Such a person was Louise. "Enter Louise drawn by two stallions. " I wrote it for my funeral, but you get the gist. - I'm not saying this. - I think you are, Jonny. In oh, ten minutes' time. Or Herbie's coming home in a glove compartment. - Fine. - Fine. - Crush him. - I will. - I don't care. - Neither do I. - (Doorbell) - It's Herbie, he's escaped! - Oh, it's you. - Is Janet here? - Janet! - It's all right, I'll go through. Nine minutes, Jonny. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Gaz, have you seen Donna? Yeah, just now. She still thinks I'm the - Why? - Because I've got strange ***. It can't be as strange as Jonny's. His is fizzy for one thing. - It's not yours. - You can't know for sure. - Yes, I can. Um l've had the test. - Have you? - Yes. - What happened? Well, I took some of Jonny's *** while he was asleep and I took it to the clinic. The fatherhood testing clinic. They put it in a sort of jar and put some chemicals in with it and it came up to say that Jonny was the father. Oh, thank God for that! Yeah. Anyway, what else did Donna say? - Not much. She was off to the airport. - What? Gaz, we've got to stop her! It's OK, I already have. A little souvenir of our time together. - You stole her passport? - It was the only way I could stop her. You might as well lock her in a cupboard! Why did you do it? Because I didn't think of the cupboard idea. Don't you think we've screwed up her life enough? I'm taking it back. She'll hate us even more for doing this. She has to make her own decisions. No, Janet, no! I forbid you, Janet. I forbid you to go to the airport. Why does that never work? - Just off to the airport, Jonny. - OK, have fun. Just off to kill myself, Jonny. OK, have fun. Don't be a fool, Jonny. My solicitor will be here any minute. I haven't been a fool, actually. I think I've been quite clever. - What do you mean? - I can't give in to blackmail. Any time you wanted something, you'd nick my car. - True. - But I could forgive you I mean, really forgive you, if you could forgive me. - What for? - Know that posh dress you left here? The one you were going to wear in court. I gave it to the cancer shop. (Doorbell) So you forgive me, I forgive you. Herbie comes home, everybody's happy. - Do come in. - I'm - Louise's solicitor. Do take a seat. - Hello, Louise. There must have been times since the incident when you never wanted to see Louise again. Yes, although to be fair, there were times like that before the incident. What would you like to say to Louise? Louise was a shining star in all of our lives. A source of spiritual, as well as physical, beauty. She will be sadly missed. Oh and I forgive her. OK, well, that could really help our case. It demonstrates that Louise acted out of character, that she's not malicious. - Louise - You ***! - I beg your pardon? - You evil, vindictive piece of ***! I'm glad I got you shot. I wish I'd done the job properly. OK, that might be something we need to work on. Ticket, ticket. Round-the-world ticket, sir? Madam, round-the-world ticket? No? £20 your ticket. Round-the-world ticket. - I'll buy it. - What are you doing here? - Stay and forgive me and Gaz. - Go away. I'm gonna follow you all round the world doing this face. - Until you do forgive me. - I'm not going away to punish you. I need to get away for a bit and be on my own. - Are you sure that's what you want? - Yes. All right, well you're gonna need this. - Where did you get that? - Gaz took it. He thought it'd stop you leaving. - You followed me to give it back to me? - Yeah. What was all that " Oh, I don't want you to leave" stuff just then? - I don't. - Funny way of showing it. You can't wait to get rid of me so you can run off with Jonny and Gaz. - You're disgusting! - It's not like that. - No, because I'm not going. - What? Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not playing along with your plan. I'm going home. Don Tickets? Anyone for round-the-world tickets? £10 your tickets. Don't look at me like that. I never thought she'd actually do it. Cheers, Herbie. Do you like my new dress? £3. 50 from the cancer shop. Do you mind? I'm having a moment here. We'll have you back on the road in no time, no time at all. Don't tell anyone. I haven't had sex since Donna left me. Go on, get your tabard off. Come back to the real world for a minute. I am worried about Donna. I've had some bad news. Bad news? I could be Donna's lifestyle coach. She was a wreck when I saw her. When did you see her? Just after she found out you'd slept with Gaz. She was suicidal.