Ricky Gervais - Out of England 2 - Eng/Esp/Sk/Tr/Br Subtitles part. 4

I *** hate them. 37,000 different species of spider. 37,000 different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individuals in each species. And that's just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda. There could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth. Best guess, okay? And that's 1% of all animal species that have ever existed. 99% of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct, and that remaining 1% is five million strong. Take one of those species... termites. If we were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on earth. And it's statistics like that that make me think that this book isn't totally accurate. It's the book of Noah, the children's edition. I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week. I believed in all this till I was eight. "St. Agnes Sunday School. Presented to: Rikki Gervais..." R-i-k-k-i. Like a *** mongoose, right? "...For regular attendance." Not even for being good at anything; Just for turning up. "He's always here. Give him a prize. He'll be back." "Thank you. Thank you." Let's have a look at the evidence. "Long long ago, when God first made the earth..." I'll let both those points go. We haven't got time. Right. "Long long ago" by the way, according to the Bible, is 5,000 years. According to the old testament, the earth is no older than 5,000 years old, okay? It's actually 4.6 billion years old. Let's pop that in, pop that in. "4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the earth and sky..." All right, don't bring it up. It comes as a package really, doesn't it? I mean... Do you know what I mean? The sky was never an optional extra. It's like, "Made you a planet." "I can't breathe." "Would you like an atmosphere?" "Of course I ***' would." So, well done, but... "Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. God made human beings too, and he wanted them to be good like himself." Arrogant, right? "But very soon, they wanted their own way. They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things." Look at them doing wicked things there. You don't get much more wicked than that, do you? "***... Oh, *** off, wicked!" Whee. "*** off, wicked!" Whee. "Ah!" God just looking on. "Oh, carry on. See what happens. See what happens. Oh, see what happens, yeah. Oh, see what happens." The bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don't put it in a bank, you ***. ( Groans Right. "God looked at them and said to himself, 'they are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.'" really? Really? Straight to genocide? What happened to one verbal and two written warnings? Straight... Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because a fatty-yellow-trousers picked someone's nose? Really? ***. Anger management, man. Just calm the *** down. Let's... just chill. Let's talk about this. Wow! I read that to Karl Pilkington, right? - Who is... Yes. - ( Audience cheering Yes. Head like a ***' orange, I know, yeah. I read that bit to him. "They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth." And Karl said, "He sounds gay." I said, "What... what do you mean?" He went, "Some gays are a bit like that." He thought God was, like, having a hissy fit. Like he's going, "No, they treat me like a ***, I'm gonna treat them like a bast... I'm gonna show them. I'm gonna wipe 'em out." I said, "Karl, God is not gay, okay? Read the Bible. He hates them." "They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off e face of the earth, and every living thing with them." What's the squid ever done? Real... God has gone mad. What? But he's not gay. God is not gay. "But there was one man who was still very good. His name was Noah. He was a friend of God." Just a friend, so don't... No. Just a friend... A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What... what's he doing... He lives in a cave. What's he doing with this? "What... what are you doing?" "Seeing God. You never know. You never know." Handlebar mustache. Holding God's hand, who's wearing a blouse. God is not gay. "God said to Noah, 'I am so angry with men...'" "You mean men and women?" "Whatever. Whatever." "'I am so angry with men that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.'" that's got to be the world's first pun, hasn't it? "'It will make so much rain pour down on earth that everything will be drowned, but not you. I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it.'" "Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate. Oh, cheers." "'And you will make a door in the side of it.'" "Do you think I'm a complete idiot? I know..." "Noah did exactly what God told him. And then God said to Noah..." Now... Okay okay. Now this is aimed at children, admittedly, but it's taken from the old testament story in the Bible. But I don't think the author of this book is a zoologist. As we've said, there could be five million species of animal. I don't think he knows them all, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence, okay? "'I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark... Two lions, two tigers, two elephants and so on.'" "What? I've got lions, tigers, elephants... so on. On you go." "'Look after them well and keep them alive.' and Noah did what God said." Now I want you to study that scenario. Okay, so God is angry with mankind. He's fed up with them. They're wicked. He's gonna wipe them out and just start again with Noah and his wife. He's angry with the animals too for some reason. I don't... So he's gonna start again with just two of each species. He calls a flood. They build an ark. Noah goes, "Right, two of each species. Two, just two. Quick, first two." ( Trumpets There's a stampede. ( Trumpets Two elephants. ( Trumpets Two toucans...Just walking. There's no rush. Just strollin', baby. I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one. This one's probably going, "Should we fly?" "Nah." "No?" "Nah." I could do this all night. "No?" "Nah." Snorts "Sure?" "Yeah." "I mean, we've... Well, we've got wings." Laughing "We've got feet as well." "Why don't you wanna push in?" "That elephant's looking at me funny." "Yeah, I... I ***' am. If you try and push in, I'm gonna stamp on you, you... you big-nosed ***." "Hold on. Who are you calling big-nosed?" "What do you mean?" "No, it's just pot calling kettle black." "What the *** does that mean? What does 'pot... '" "Well, you know, if a pot's... Oh, forget it." "I can't forget it. I'm a *** elephant." ( Laughing Oh. Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra. Ah, here's the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment: The giraffes. They got there first... Longer legs, okay? Five million more species to get on there. So two of it... So two animals on the ark at the moment. 10 million more animals to go. 10 million more of those, ok? Million as far as... 10 million of them to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Look how much room they're already taking up. It's at a third capacity. What's it going to be like on there when these two fat *** get on? Man: Yeah! "Then God bent the bow of his anger d the rain came flooding down, covering the earth with water. It rained for 40 days and nights. The flood water rose higher and higher, until it covered the tops of the highest mountains. Every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark." And the fish. They were fine, weren't they? They were fine. They were loving it. They were better off. In fact, all the sea creatures. I mean, mountains underwater... Their domain had increased, like, tenfold. It's so much more interesting. You've got crabs going, "I'm on a *** mountain! This is amazing! I never want this flood to... I've never been up here before." I think of that when you see on the news, like if there's a little village in Gloucester flooded or something. It's really sad. You see people... They've lost their homes and they're in dinghies, carrying their pets. And you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater. And I think of a fish just looking in the window of the antique shop for the first time. "So that's a chaise longue." "For 150 days the earth was covered with water. Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?" Well, ask God. You've been chatting to him all the way through. Why are we... Why are we getting cryptic all of a sudden? "He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. It could find nowhere to settle. Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove." Why did the raven lose his job? "But the dove came back too." See? The raven wasn't bullshitting. This is... "There was still no dry land anywhere... "But one day the dove flew out and..." Why did the dove get a second go and not the raven? Racist. "But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch. And Noah knew that God was no longer angry. Then God told Noah to the animals out of the ark. 'They must once more fill the Earth with living things.' the first thing Noah did was to build an altar. He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. And Noah said "I'll make a pact of friendship with you." 'I will never again send a flood to destroy the earth. The rainbow, which I've put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men... '" That is... That is how it is... That is how it is used today. They took it literally. "'It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, and which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.'" "Who?" "You'll see." There was... there wasn't a teaser campaign in the old testament. Coming soon: The sequel. "And so when you have done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his." And that's just one of 12 in the dove books series. I've only got one: Number nine... "Noah." Although I think my favorite would be number eight just from the title... "Jesus and the Cripple." Cheering, applause Thank you. Cheers. Oh dear. I... I read that whole book to Karl and uh... He believed it all. Why wouldn't he? It's written down.. And I said, "Karl, think. How could they get 10 million animals on a boat?" Karl went, "They said it was a big boat." Yeah, they did. That's true. I said, "Put they're all part of the food chain. They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. Why didn't the lion eat the antelope? Why didn't the spider eat the fly?" And Karl said, "'Cause in a crisis you all pull together." Amazing. I'd love to do a book of his quotes. I love books of quotations. I love just reading them for... for pleasure. I've got a few of these compilations. And one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. When I read "Give us the tools and we will finish the job," I thought, "How inspiring." And when I read "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few," I thought, "How patriotic." And when I read "It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations," I thought, "You cheeky, fat git." People always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that's ever lived. Let's have a look to me at the evidence, okay? Here's one of his. "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his." That sounds a bit gay to me. Don't you think? I... No, just... Give him another go. Here's another one. "I couldn't help it. I can resist everything except temptation." That sounds gay as well. I think... I want to start that with an "Ooh." I wanna go, "Ooh, I couldn't help it." Do you know what I mean? And I want to end it with, "I can resist everything except temptation. Chance would be a fine thing." You know? And when he went through customs in New York all those years ago... And the customs officer, just doing his job, said, "Have you anything to declare?" Oscar Wilde famously said, "Nothing but my genius." Ooh. That wasn't witty. I bet he planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country it was all "Yes sir," "No sir." "Anything to declare?" "No." "Thanks. On you go." "Oh, I just thought of something *** brilliant to say. Oh! I'm always doing that. Excuse me, can I go back through... No? Ugh!" He had to wait weeks in those days, back on the boat to England, just thinking, "If they say that again... 'Anything to declare?' 'Nothing but my genius.' I'll be in a book of quotations." He gets there again weeks later, finds the same bloke, goes up to him. The bloke goes, "On you go." "Didn't even *** ask me that time. ***. Excuse me, they didn't ask me if... Random, *** random." Right? Back on the boat. Three weeks later, getting it. Gets there this time, finds the same bloke. Is time he's started looking shifty so he gets picked out. Like that, right? The blok, right?... "Did you buy anything?" "That's not the question. Say 'Have you anything to declare?'" "Okay. Have you anything to declare?" "Nothing but my genius." "Whose are the butt plugs?" "They're mine. They're mine. They're mine." Incarcerated in reading jail for homosexuality. We've come a long way from it being punishable to total equality, as it should be of course. In England the gay age of consent is the same as heterosexuality now... 16. And even gay marriage. Although, ironically, the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election... California. They had a referendum. They put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage. I mean, California there's people going, "That's why we moved here." I mean, it's a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else's lifestyle that doesn't affect you back. It's not like they asked a bloke once, said, "Sorry, do you mind if these two men get married?" He went, "No. Fine." "Okay, Jack 'em then." "What? I didn't know that was..." That doesn't happen, does it? That doesn't happen. It's also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said gay people were immoral and promiscuous. But now they don't want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, thinking, "That's the bit they don't like. With all the other *** we get up to, it's the marriage bit." They'd be so confused. They must go to judges and go, "Sorry, can I get the rules straight?" "What do you want to know?" "I just didn't know what we can and can't do." "Ask away." "Can I marry a man?" "No." "Can I *** him up the *** and give him a little reach-round?" "Please." "I... Can't marry him, no. But I... and a little... Can I... Can... can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and *** on him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless?" "Of course you can, yeah." "But I couldn't marry him?" "No." ( Retching "No, and don't ask again, all right?" "Can I line up 15 men..." I'm just riffing here. "Can I line up 15 men and just jack 'em off for a laugh?" "If you want, yeah yeah." It would be difficult, wouldn't it? Jacking off 15 men at once. It'd be like plate spinning, wouldn't it? No. Because you'd have... You could only do two at once really. So you'd have these two ready to blow, but then they'd be losing it. And you'd go, "*** hell. Here you go. Oh, *** hell. All right, all right, all right." Ain't it knackering, jacking off 15 men at once? I never thought I'd say that. Again. No. There's these people that say, "Being gay isn't natural." Well, it is natural, and I've got a book to prove it. Homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society. This is a real book. It's called "Biological exuberance: Animal homosexuality and natural diversity" by Bruce Bagemihl, okay? "The evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community." That doesn't mean, like, chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff. It just... They sort of spread it out more really. This is a real book. Can we have the first slide, please? Right. Okay? Right. This is a real book, okay? Right? Absolutely real, okay? "Two male stump-tailed macaques in mutual ***." Mutual... They're sharing. They're sharing it round. Next slide. Okay. "A male squirrel monkey, right, performing a genital display toward another male." ( Stammering I... He's just going, "What do you think of that?" And this one's going, "What?" "Suck it." Look at his little hand. "Why?" "Because we're gay." "I'm not." "You ***' are." Look at the way he's holding him. And he's got his leg up for extra purchase. He's going, "Get in there. Get in there. Get in there." Look at him. ( Gibbers Can you imagine face when I discovered this book? Oh my God. ( Giggling Next slide, please. Ah, okay. "A female Olympic marmot mounting another female." Now I don't know what is in that for either of them... Unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on ***. One more. One more slide. Oh, this is a doozy. Okay. "Two forms of copulation between male dolphins: Genital slit, or *** penetration, above; and below, blowhole penetration." Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Basically... He is *** him in the head! It's in the head. He's *** him in the head, ladies... I have never seen that on any wildlife documentary. I've never... Why have I never seen that before? Why are they doing that? Maybe it's not in the wild. Maybe it's in seaworld, which is like their prison. And they're going... they're going, "***'s sake, they've put in two males. Some people think we're fish. We might as well *** do it." I mean, look at his face. Like that. He's going, "Dave." "What?" "Could... could we not do it up the *** like them?" "No. It's in the head or nothing." Laughing "D-Dave?" "What?! What?!" "Dave, Dave, I love you... But I can't *** breathe." That is a real book. That is a real book. Can we have the... Look. I love the fact that he found, like, a turkey in drag to show how gay animals can be. The gayest animal in the world. I... I hope I haven't offended anyone with any of the subject... No, I do. I do. That's not the point. I don't try and offend. If I have offended anyone, and I'm sure I have, I don't apologize. No, I think you shouldn't. You have to be able to justify everything you do. I always think that a comedian should take you to taboo places you haven't been before. Otherwise you could do it yourself. There's enough anodyne comedy out there... Just doing things, obvious stuff that, you know, doesn't make any difference at all. And there's this spate of comedians saying sorry when they go too far. I just think, you know, you should... They go, "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it." Well, you should've known better then. There's also a witch-hunt at the moment with people saying, "Is there anything you shouldn't make a joke about?" No, there's nothing you shouldn't joke about. It depends what the joke is. ( Cheering, applause Comedy comes from a good or a bad place, and it's for you to decide what that is. I think that there's a big debate about sick jokes. "Comedians doing sick jokes." Now the thing about sick jokes... When we tell a sick joke, it's with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn't tell a sick joke to a known ***. I wouldn't go, "Here, mate, you're gonna ***' love this more than anyone, son." Do you know what I... I've never been in trouble for anything I've said in my professional career because I refuse to apologize. What can they do to you, you know? Growing up, you try... try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit. Not like the dolphin. I mean, you know, not... When I was about 23, 24, me and my girlfriend met up with this other couple. They had moved down from the north of England to London. They used to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them. They were cool people and they were fun. After we had met them a couple of times, they invited us to a party at their house. And we went along. One, it was a dinner party, which they hadn't warned us about. But two, it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. And it was both of their parents and grandparents and great uncles... average age about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, "Oh God, we don't know anyone our own age. Oh, that Ricky and Jane." So we went along. And we were still getting to know them, so we just spoke to them all night. We didn't really mingle with the older people. And as I say, we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but usually as a getting to know you. We use comedy to break the ice. Are you like-minded? What can you take? What do you like? And I've always pushed the boundaries a little bit to try and make people laugh at things they didn't think they could. But, you know... But then everything turns out okay, I suppose. I started off lightly. I told this joke. Why did the little girl fall off the swing? 'Cause she had no arms. Yeah, sweet. And they laughed... A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks. No. So I thought, "Okay, they get it." And so you up the ante a little bit. You push... and I told this joke. Ooh, I need a drink. Start the car, seriously. Right. I told this joke. Made sure the old people couldn't hear, like that. I went, "Okay, a father is sitting at home, just reading the newspaper. His little girl comes running in. She's only six. 'Hello, darling.' 'Hello, daddy.' 'You've been playing?' 'Yeah.' 'In the park?' 'Yeah.' 'With your friends?' 'Well, until the man came along.' 'Till the man came along?' 'Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, so it was just me and him.' 'Darling, come... Come over. Whatever happened, none of it was your fault. Okay, darling? None of it was your fault. But tell daddy every detail. What happened?' 'Um, he took me behind a tree so no one could see what we were doing.' 'Oh God, darling. And then what happened?' 'um, he took my dress off.' 'Oh God. What happened next? What happened?' 'Um, he took his thing out.' 'Oh God, darling. And then what happened?' 'Nothing. That was it.' 'Oh well, make something up.'" - Cheers. - Man: Tell us some more, Rick cheering, applause Don't tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke. Carried on, getting a bit drunk and telling jokes. Eventually we sat down for the meal at about a quarter to 10:00. They put two tables together. The hosts sat at either end and they put me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf 80-year-old man. So the conversation was a bit stilted. After about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pops up and says, "Oh, Ricky, tell that joke." I went, "What?" All the old people went, "Oh, we love jokes." "Do you?" I looked at Ian and Ian went, "It'll be fine." I went, "Okay." And he got on with his conversation. And so they're all like that. I went, "Um, oh... Uh... A father is sitting at home, reading the paper. A little girl comes running... " Told the whole joke. Got to the bit, "Well, make something up." They went, ahem. Silence. I looked at Ian, he went, "Not that one!" Thank you so much. You've been fantastic. Good night. ( Cheering, whistling Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Cheers. Thank you. Fantastic. Thank you so much. I *** love Chicago. Isn't it brilliant? - Isn't it amazing? - ( Cheering I've had just the best time. Thank you... Thank you so much. I'll tell you, I'd risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds... anything to get here. It's fantastic... terrorist attack. I've actually always been a nervous flyer, to be honest. I flew a few weeks after 9-11. After 9-11, the world went a little bit crazy, you know? Understandably. The rules changed and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing. And I had always considered myself quite a rational, liberal sort of guy, and I tried to remain that way after 9-11. And even in the pub with mates I'd be the one who was going, "No, you can't say that. No, that's a generalization. That's ridiculous. No, that's unfair. You can't tar everyone with the same brush. No, it's still the safest form of transport. It's 60 million to one, the chance of a..." You know, trying to be rational. That's in a pub. When I'm flying it's more like, "Check him again. Can we check him again? He's getting on this... Do you mind if I check him? Can I just... can I just..." After 9-11, with all the checks, I still tried to remain rational and philosophical. I was thinking, "Right, it's harder now than it ever was to get a bomb on the plane. This is... You know, the restrictions are tight. It's safer now." And then I found out that a terrorist doesn't even have to get on the plane now with a bomb. They found heat-seeking missiles, and they could just park up in some sort of lay-by and take the plane out within the first 10 minutes of take-off. So now I'd be on the plane going, "Right, we're out of range. Who's got the bomb?" As I said, I flew a couple of weeks after 9-11, internal flight. We're up in the air. I had done the thing. "We're out of range. Right, okay." I was still a bit nervous and I said to the air hostess... I said, "Have you got any magazines?" Think of this. She said, quite loud, quite blasé... she said, "No, honey, we've got no magazines. We've had to undertake severe cutbacks because we're one of the companies being sued over 9-11." One: Don't mention 9-11. Surely a new rule book went round. "Don't mention 9-11 when you're handing out the coffee." Do you know what I mean? Right? Two: Don't say "Severe cutbacks." Severe cutbacks... if someone says that, I don't think of magazines anymore. I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week going, "Do we really need all these rivets?" It's just... What terrible bedside manner. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. I know you wouldn't have it any other way. I do it for you, really. Some of the flights I take cost 10,000 pounds, okay? And for 10,000 pounds, in a disaster I expect the front end of my plane that I'm in to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn't. I'd die with the rest of you *** loss. That's not fair, is it? I know you'd try to save me, but you couldn't. We'd just be on the news. I'd probably be the only one who'd get name-checked on the news. You'd be "230 others," which is some consolation. But anyway... So, okay. Once I was flying back from New York... 9:25, a Saturday night, J.F.K. to London Heathrow, b.A., first class. Okay, now this is my point. It's fear that threatens rational thought, I think. I'm there. Now the whole week leading up to that flight... I don't know if you remember it or it's happened more than once. It was a couple of years ago. On every news channel in America there was a rolling tickertape that said "America on red alert. We've had intel there's going to be another 9-11 in a major city, probably New York or L.A. this weekend. Do not fly unless you absolutely had to." I had to. I was filming. And... ( Laughs Right? So I'm the only one in the first-class lounge, and I still tried to remain rational. I was thinking, "No, it's safer now. Everyone's looking for a terrorist today. They'll leave it till Monday." Right? And then it happened... the thing that threatened my rational thought. I had a little... a bit of a mini-breakdown. Into the first-class lounge, about 30 minutes before boarding, came this guy. I don't whether he was north African or Middle Eastern or Asian, but he had all the gear, right? Beard, steel attaché case, okay? And here's your middle-class liberal. I went... I was suddenly engaging staff in banal conversation, going, "Flight on time?" They're going, "Yeah." "What's the weather like in London?" Like they were gonna go, "It's a bit cloudy, but... There he is!" Right? Didn't happen. So I'm left there, right? I'm looking over at him and I'm thinking of all the... The running up to it and the week coming up to... All the news and everything. But now there's a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational. This one goes, "Ooh, that's a suicide bomber." "Oh, don't be stupid. Of course it isn't." "It is." "How do you know?" "That's what they look like." "What?" "Beard." "Don't be stupid, all right?" Then he makes a phone call. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but he sounded a bit angry. This one goes, "Oh, he made a phone call!" This one, "No, you just made a phone call." "Yeah, but not in foreign." "Shut up, all right? He's been checked. Like the rest of us, he's been checked." "Did they check the beard?" "Yeah, they checked the beard. Yeah, they checked the beard." Then I'm looking at him... Must have been absent-minded with all this going on in my head. He catches me looking and he does this. It goes, "Oh, he knows, he knows!" Right? This one goes, "No, he knows why you're looking at him. He's had that prejudice for months now. Stop looking at him." "Ooh, the beard." "Yeah... " Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating all the rational thought in the world. It starts going, "No, but it could be." "Well yeah, it could be. Probably not." "Well, no. The stats are up today." "Yeah, but still, it won't happen..." "Don't say it won't happen to us. The people of 9-11 said it wouldn't happen to them." "Yeah, but all the tests..." "Yeah well, they find new ways of getting through our detection. Then we have to up the game." "Yeah, you're right." And suddenly I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This is it." That wave of nausea, and you suddenly realize, "Oh my God, I'm witnessing this..." this one goes, "Okay, right, let's report him." This one goes, "No." "Why?" "In case someone think we're racist." "No, *** that. Let's report him and be a wrong, embarrassed, live racist, just in case." And I go, "No." So I don't. And so now I think he is a suicide bomber. I think I'm gonna get on the plane and die, but I'm not gonna do anything about it. I'm nearly in tears. And all this happens in a few moments. I look over and he's joined by his wife who's got all the gear and his two little girls. And I suddenly go, "Oh, of course he's not a *** suicide bomber. If you're off to see 72 virgins, you don't take the wife and kids along." Right? So... No. I got on the plane, and of course he wasn't a terrorist. I was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it. I was relieved and everything. He was a businessman and a family man. He was playing with his two little girls who kept running up and down and banging into my chair. He wasn't doing anything about that at all. Nothing about that at all. He was chasing 'em and they were squealing really high, going through... After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the *** plane up, to be honest. But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so paranoid about terrorist attack that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just because I was so rich. No no. No. No, again, my philosophy was I'm the only person on this plane and I definitely haven't got a bomb, so we're all right, you know. I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad. Rewind two days before that. I'm at home, having my cereal, my cheerios, and there's a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back. And I've seen a thousand of them. This one was different because it was a missing child, which is always sadder. Well no, it's sad when anyone goes missing. But presumably, because of her age, this was an abduction and, you know. It was also the language. It was a plea from the mother. It was the wording. She just said the name of the little girl, which I won't say. I remember it, and the day and place where she was last seen. And she just said, "Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy. Please help me." And it must have stayed with me. Two days later, I'm there. It's like a wharf development, waiting for this helicopter. And I'm looking down onto some disused warehouse space. I look in one, right? Someone had put up a brown blanket with this duct tape. It was like a curtain. And it had fallen away and I can see in. This is a true story. It's an empty room apart from a mattress. And on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied. And my *** heart... Five years old, five years old. Blonde hair, blonde hair. Blue eyes, blue eyes. Always happy, crying her eyes out. What? It... it couldn't have been her. I left it. Thanks very much. You've been amazing. Goodnight, Chicago. Cheers! Thank you. Cheers. Oh, thank... Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers, everyone. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you. The End Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com