Magus Review for Playstation 3

Hey, so, uh...what's the worst game you've played this year? 'Cause...I bet this one's worse. So, one of the many things I don't understand about the Internet...is how people seem to like things that are bad. Like, really bad. Look it up. Even if it's one of the worst games ever made, there's probably some guy on a forum writing about how "it's so bad, it's good." I have never understood "it's so bad, it's good." Not when it comes to video games. I mean, sure. Campy horror movies from the 1950s? Yes. So bad, they're good. Plan 9 From Outer Space, Attack Of The 50 Foot Woman...I adore those movies, and they're absolutely terrible. But the difference is...there's no interactive element, you know? With video games, you have to do something. And when that sucks...that just sucks. Magus just sucks. So this is a PS3 exclusive. Which at least means all this suffering is localized, on a single platform. You play as Magus, some boring white guy who's locked in a dungeon. Probably for being such a boring white guy. Then all the sudden, he gets set free by a hot chick. Or a chick who would be hot...if the game had better graphics. Since it doesn't...she's, like, a six. When she could've been a seven. And that's, like, the least of this game's offenses. So pretty early on, it becomes pretty clear that...this thing's, like, half dialogue. Only it's the worst f*cking dialogue ever. And what's even worse...boring white guy never actually says his lines. You pick a line, and the other characters respond immediately. That is, when you have lines to choose from. Half the time, it's just one line. Which is, like...why? And yet...none of that is even the worst part. The worst part is...no matter what lines you go with, it doesn't make a single f*cking difference. Doesn't change anything. It's a dialogue tree with one branch. And that one rotten branch is about to fall. And...squash a baby chipmunk. So the writing is awful, and boring. And the whole dialogue tree thing is 100% objectively pointless. What about the gameplay? Well, fortunately, there's not much to worry about. Which is probably for the best. Magus is basically a third-person shooter, but oh, with magic. You have three kinds of magic—red, blue and green—and each one comes with a basic attack. So you have three attacks. And like the dialogue, none of them seem to make a difference. Plus, you have unlimited ammo, so. Just strafe and shoot. That's the other half the game. The sad thing is, there's actually a lot more stuff under the hood. Each of the magics also has this whole list of special attacks, and those are kind of awesome. One of your blue magic skills lets you levitate above the fray, and blast enemies from above. One of your red skills lets you resurrect enemies you've already slain...to fight for you. There are tons of these abilities to unlock, and then upgrade...but the thing is, you don't really need to. It's like this whole system of three magics, with individual skills, and individual meters to maintain...that's, like, a yacht. But...a yacht that's sitting in a f*cking puddle. Because the core game design in Magus, is like a f*cking puddle. So the enemies. Yeah, each level basically has one or two enemy types, and they keep repeating in groups of about 10 or 12 until the boss fight. Same thing, over and over. And the levels! Yeah, they're all structurally identical. In fact, I'm not convinced they're not the same level, just with different textures and colors. Like, those snowy walls look a lot like those...desert walls. I mean, how is this a level? This is f*cking terrible. But then, you know...you earn all this XP, and you find all this stuff. So you have tons of items and weapons, and upgrades, and all this crap to manage...but again, the game design itself is so shallow and pointless, you don't even want to. It's, like, why bother? Yeah, I could browse through the gems I've collected, and strategically add one to my armor, to boost my attack power...or I could just plow through the enemies, anyways. Look at this. No gems or strategy or thought required. This game sucks. I know some people are gonna say, "Oh, man! That looks so bad, I have to play it!" Hey, that's your call. Personally, I think life's way too short to play awful video games, but hey. Everyone is different. Except in this sh*tty game, where everyone's the same. From the graphics to the gameplay to the music to the everything...Magus is just a terrible, terrible game. And no, not in a good way. This is not Plan 9 From Outer Space. This is...poop. Poop plan.