The Ricky Gervais Show S1E8 - English Transcript

For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations. This is one of them. - Testing. - Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "the Ricky Gervais show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello. - And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington. Hi. we do of course, Rick, every week get thousands of emails. Emily from New York has asked Karl, if you're on a sinking ship or you were in a burning building and you re with myself and Ricky, but you could only save one of us I don't know why that's the case, but you can only save one of us who would you save? Would it be Ricky or would it be me? - I think it's a two-man dinghy. - Right, okay. - Possibly. - And we're trapped and he knows that if he stays there to get both our legs out from under this thing - The girder. - Yeah. he dies. So he's got so he's got room He's got time to save one. It's obviously me. It's hard to say, isn't it, at this point? What, 'cause Steve's in the room, you mean? Just because we don't know what the situation is. Okay. Well, let's say we're on a sinking ship, all right? So you're gonna have to rescue one of us drag us into the It's it's going under. You know You know in 30 seconds, okay, this ship's going to drag you down and you're gonna die, right? And our legs are trapped. And you got enough time to untangle one set of legs. Whose legs do you untangle? Just because my legs are long does not necessarily mean it's more complicated. No, it's exactly the same amount of time. Just have to make a choice. Terrible A terrible choice that Steve would, would not, you know hate you for. Well, listen listen He's gonna drown in 30 seconds. Forget him. Bear in mind this, Karl: You are gonna be stuck in a dinghy with Ricky Gervais. And who knows how long that's gonna take? Think of all the head squeezing that's gonna be going on, the comments, the And do you honestly think that he's gonna If there was any provisions, that he's gonna split them evenly with you? I mean, he's gonna have drunk all the water and it's only gonna be about a half an hour in. The food's gonna be gone. Look at his gut. Look how much, you know, the food he's gonna have to eat - The baked beans that you've got on board. - Come on. Whereas me, you know how generous I am. - I'm always sort of helping - Oh, there we go. Karl, he's I think he's put the nail in his own coff there. "You know how generous I am, Karl. " Let's talk about that Karl. Come on. Think about that one. Yeah, I mean, have you forgot about that, Steve? What? What? The time the time when we went for a coffee? We sort of had a heated debate about the 50 pence change. Yeah, you owed me 50p. And you decided you didn't want to give it to me 'cause it was only 50p. And my point was it's not a question of 50p; it's the fact that it's not your decision to decide not to give it to me. If I wanted to be generous that's my decision, but you can't go, "oh, it's only 50p, Steve. " It's my decision to But you've just given him a free keg of beer. - Yeah. - No, but yes, but that was That did not come to you. You didn't pay for the free keg of beer. It was a promotional thing that was sent to you. - Doesn't matter. - It's the same thing as the way I gave Suzanne my leaving present from my last job. A lot of people may not be aware of this if they haven't heard of something like this before. But, yes. You had a gift from your work 'cause you were leaving after how many years of service, which you then gave straight to your girlfriend without telling her that it'd been received from people at work. Doesn't matter. She wanted the camera. It's the same thing as you You wanted that lager that I got for free. That doesn't cost you anything. It doesn't matter where I got it from. So you now decide because you've given me a free keg of lager that you can now say, "oh actually, I'm not " You know, "in the future, I'll just take your money, Steve, on a whim"? Listen, it's You're rockin' the dinghy. Karl, have some of my cheese. Can you imagine if he can you imagine he would ever say that? Do you imagine him ever ever offering you any of his cheese? Who you gonna save, Karl, mate? - I don't want to say. - Well, think about it and I might do a sort of a for-and-against something and then sort of, "so the conclusion is" Okay, all right. Well, I've been waiting for this for a week. It's a regular feature now when we read from Karl's diary. Karl decided to keep a diary. He's gone through with it. I can see it there. It's massive. It's a huge desk diary that he has to carry around with him. And he the pages are getting full up. - You're you're really keeping to this. - Yeah. Right, this is extracts from Karl's diary. "Did podcast and went for an Italian with Ricky and Steve. " Italian place is good. We've been there a few times. I always have the same thing Spaghetti. Can't remember what everyone else had. Last time we went there, Steve had little octopuses with pasta. You could see that they were octopuses; they hadn't been cut up or anything. My rule is that I only eat stuff that looks nice when it's alive " " a cow, a chicken, some fish. An octopus is an odd-looking thing alive, even worse when it's dead and limp. It looks like it just shouldn't have been set in the spaghetti. " Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. "Ricky drew another picture of my head. " We've given a few of them away as prizes, but he draws so many of them that they won't be worth as much anymore. Everyone will eventually have one, like those pictures of the boy crying that caused houses to burn down in the 1980s. " - What does that mean? - What you talking about? It's just some kid. My aunt lenore had one. And it was just, like, a kid with a blue jumper on and his it's like a painting, not a photo. - Yeah. Exactly, yeah. - And he's just crying. Like the chocolate box, a really awful sort of sugary And what happened is they found out that a lot of the houses were being set on fire or burst into flames, whatever. And the weird thing was - Oh, it's bullocks. - every house that burnt down had that photo. Yeah, 'cause every house had that picture in the *** '70s and '80s, idiot. It's like, "we're linking it to sinks. Every house that's ever burned down had a sink. " You're talking *** again. Carry on. "Wednesday: Saw a homeless bloke. " I'm surprised that no companies have thought about sponsoring the homeless Something like a clothing company. Give them some clothes that have an advert on the back. Everyone's a winner. " - Good idea. - Not bad is it? "Got on the tube to camden. Read in a free newspaper" that hedgehogs could be gone by 2025. I think I've seen more dead hedgehogs than alive ones anyway. So I don't think I'll miss 'em. Went round to Ricky's house and had a game of pool. It should have been nice and relaxing, but Jane gave me some cake and Ricky said I can't play pool if my hands are all sticky from cake. " It was the sugar And it wasn't that, either. After he finished it, they weren't just sticky; he was licking his finger, sucking his fingers off, and then was gonna pick up pool cues and touch things. And I was thinking, "go and wash your hands after licking your hands. You're not a cat. " "This turned into an argument when I said I didn't want to wash my hands. " - Why didn't he? - "He goes for a *** all the time without washing his hands and then squeezes my head. "I know I prefer to have lemon cake crumbs on my head than *** juice. " "Was gonna do a crossword but I'm tired and have learned enough today. " What have you learned? Well, the stuff about hedgehogs and that. Oh God. "Was on my way to a mate's and I got on a train. " Got close to his station, but realized I needed a wee. Was about to go in a cubicle when a blind man with a dog, who was bumbling his way through the walkway, came around. I said, 'are you after the toilet?' He said, 'yeah. ' i said, 'it's on your right. ' i shouldn't have let him go first as he took ages and it would be my stop soon. The dog waited outside the cubicle. I was gonna stroke it, but then I remembered someone telling me that you shouldn't. " Why not? Because something to do with the owner should be the only one who Who sort of deals with that dog. - And you shouldn't sort of - Well, you shouldn't stroke it because you're covered in *** lemon cake. Well, just because, you know, if you If you stroke it and that, it it might like, like me and want to go off with me. And he'll come out and be lost and stuff. Yeah. People who have sent this in, including Paul "the party animal" Parker For some reason we've just assumed he's in school. I don't think there's any actual proof of that. But I I reckon he left in June and he's doing sort of bits and pieces. But he's still a party animal. Do you think, I mean, do you think he can hold down a job? - Or is he just partying so hard that he - He can hold down the job. He often arrives late. And the boss who's in over him will go, "parker, you're late again! " He goes, "yeah, talk to the hand. " I think that he's the sort of guy that he can That he'll just happily say, "I can survive on four hours sleep. " - Yeah. - "Sometimes I've never slept at all. " But I think he comes in with his headphones blaring, right, on a on a skateboard. And the bloke goes up to him the old bloke, right, the old fuddy-duddy bloke, who goes, "you you stupid idiot. You call this ( Gibberish )" He goes, "chill out, man. " And in two minutes, he's got him dancing. Oh, I know what he's like. Yeah, he is just like He just can't resist it. - 'Cause he's he's just a fun guy. - Yeah. Anyway, Paul and a few other people have sent in this piece of information they've discovered from one the more respected news networks. The headline is this: "Female kidney turns lumberjack on to housework. " Right. Now a croatian lumberjack apparently has claimed that he started enjoying housework and knitting after he was given a female kidney. He claims he's gonna Sue his local health authority 'cause he says he's become a laughingstock. He used to enjoy heavy drinking sessions and things. The kidney transplant saved his life, "But they never warned me about the side effects. " I've developed a strange passion for female jobs like ironing, sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes in wardrobes and even knitting. " Well, if he likes it, what's the problem? It's nonsense. It's nonsense. Hold on, though. What makes me laugh is he's become a laughingstock, so what do you do when you become a laughingstock? - Tell the newspapers. - Well, yeah. Tell the newspapers about it 'cause then they'll have to keep it completely under wraps then. It's the sort of medical nonsense that Karl would normally come up with. Absolutely. The, you know, you take on the personality of the person who gave you their blood. Exactly. It's like those odd sort of horror stories, you know you get given a murderer's hand and you go around killing. But but there can be certain medical things that would change the way you think and would change you as a person. Say like how they can do face transplants now. - Yeah. - Right? I mean, I don't quite understand how these face transplants work, because do you get a choice of who you have? If if you had something done to your face and you go You know, it's burned or whatever or something happens to you and you need a face transplant Well, if you change if you totally changed your appearance, then you would eventually change because of how people reacted to you. - Well, but I'm saying - So if you gave yourself the head of an elephant, soon you wouldn't You wouldn't be yourself because of the I wouldn't have that. That's what I'm saying. If they had a catalogue, and they said, "here's some faces you can have. Pick which one you want" Yeah. Would you be looked upon badly if you go, "do you know what? I don't really like the look of any of them. "Can I just wait for a better face?" Or at this moment in time, have you just got to take what's on offer? Karl, there's no one looking through catalogues at faces they might be able to have. No, they do now because of the face-transplant thing. But who are these people putting their face up for They wait till someone Yeah, I know, but at some point Well, I'll tell you what: I would not have a face transplant if I haven't seen the face before I'm gonna have it. You are so I want to see what I'm having because I could end up with anything. You mentioned elephant's head. What do you know what I mean? Whose head are they gonna use? Is it the latest thing that's died? "Oh, well, this got run over before. Here, I'll stick this on your head. " - Where did this come from? - From his mind. Where are these faces queuing up to be popped on a skull? Where do you think they have got time to, to put all these Maybe this is why it won't catch on. I don't know. This is extraordinary. You've created in your own head the existence of this pamphlet. And now you're defending it even though we don't know if it even exists. And you're this skull on a on a hospital bed going, "I'm not having that. I don't like the look of it. I mean, he looks a bit shifty. Yeah, don't like that one. " Can I ask this now? Let's say you we were both We'd passed away sadly in something terribly tragic. The nation mourned. You know, it's just terrible. It's like one of the great national disasters. But you at the same time, you survived the accident. Okay? But your face is hideously disfigured. You can take either Ricky's face or mine to have. I'surprised you're asking this now, Steve. I mean I mean, it's just it doesn't seem like any of them - is like a great option. - Oh, thanks. And this is what I'm saying about the catalogue. If those if those two were on offer, I might go, "do you know what? Pop in again tomorrow. Bring in another booklet. " This is from Anne Marie. She says that she loves the podcast. She listens with her seven-months-old baby. That cannot be a good idea. "If you had children, what is the most important lesson - you'd want to teach them?" - Uh I mean, in a way, if you sort of look after a kid too much, it doesn't learn that much. But if you let it learn by its mistakes, it'll probably grow up all right. But there are some mistakes you can't afford it to make to learn from. Yeah. Driving a car the wrong way down a motorway. Testing if the fire really is hot. No, but say like the time Does broken glass really taste horrible? These are lessons you don't want it to learn from mistakes. You can tell them that. But what I mean is But what I mean is there's certain things that I just think that there was a kid who grew up in our in our Avenue, right, on the estate, who, when it was born, right, we kind of thought, "he's got no chance, this kid. " 'Cause its mom was a bit of a "wrong'un. " "Wrong'un"? What is that? No, just just like, you know, she liked going out and having a *** and, like, having a drink. And she's never at home. It's the one who had the The horse in the house - Sure. - Which I don't want to go over. - It's old news, yeah. - It's out there, isn't it? If you want to find out about the horse in the house She had a kid. And everyone was pretty surprised when they saw it 'cause it was a good-looking kid. It was a surprise 'cause, like, you know, the mom wasn't that good looking; the dad was a bit rough. But it came out and she was showing it around Around the Avenue going, "look at this I've had. " And she was she was chuffed with it 'cause it waprobably like one of the newest things she'd ever had. 'Cause everything else was always sort of Secondhand? - secondhand and what have you. Suddenly she's got this brand-new little baby, right? Anyway, as it grew up, all right, those looks went. And I'm not talking getting old; I'm talking by the age of about three. - It looked it looked rough already, right? And all that that just happened because that's that's the life it was in, right? Yeah. So, like, he had like a patchy head; Its hair What? He had a patchy head? A patchy head. It's just sort of It wasn't north American Indian? What do you mean, a patchy head? Just just his hair was patchy. He used to Chase sort of cars and stuff. Chase cars? Sorry? What do you mean? Just that's what he did for his Sorry, did she let it get raised by wolves? No. But all I'm saying is that at the end of the day, what is it that makes a person? Do you know what I mean? Now I don't know what state he's in now, but maybe he learned all his mistakes by the age of four. I'm guessing he's not chasing cars now. But at least he's done it. - I'm guessing he is. - Yeah. Do you know what I mean? At least he can go, "yeah, I've been there, done that. " And you don't go back to it. And you can get away with doing dafter things when you're a kid, can't you? I nearly killed a man once. Oh, okay, right. No, that time when I was in In wales, and I was having a walk with me dad on the cliffs and that I just picked up a big rock, right, chucked it off the edge. And as I chucked it off the edge, i noticed a fellow was walking down below. Jeez. And I missed his head by, like, inches. Now I've never chucked a rock off a bridge or off a cliff or anything. And it only took one man to almost lose his life for you to learn that lesson. Yeah, but that's how you learn your lessons, isn't it? See, a lot of people just said that maybe your dad should have said, "hey, Karl, what you doing?" No, but he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't say, "I'm gonna Chuck this off here. " I just picked it up and chucked it. And as I let go of it, I noticed the fellow was down there. You live and you learn. That's a little mantra. Right, okay. You live and you learn. So the woman who's had the kid, sort of look after it Feed it; make sure it's got shoes and that. - But let it roam about. - That's great. - There's the advice for you, Anne Marie. - I love that. Good luck. Just let your seven-month-old baby roam about. Karl a lot of people are absolutely fascinated to find out how you met Suzanne, - your girlfriend of how long? - Ages. Yeah. And they, they can't comprehend how Well I suppose that there's any woman out there who There's someone for everyone, isn't there? - Yeah. - That's always my my thing. And it's reassuring, I think, you know? We chatted about the face transplants and that, you know? There's a face for everyone. - It's a philosophy, isn't it? - Yeah. I mean, it's really unbelievable. No, there is someone for everyone, no matter what What condition you're in or whatever. 'Cause there's I read on the email Someone emailed in an old chinese proverb. It's something about everything, no matter what it is, has got one talent. And that's the same way in a relationship isn't it? That everyone you know, there's always someone out there. I like the chinese. There's another chinese proverb - that I learned on an email. - Go on. "He who cuts the wood up warms himself twice. " - Yeah. That's good. Yeah. - That's good. And then someone sent in that one about, "too many chinese cooks spoil the broth. " Well, why is Would that I don't know who slipped the word "chinese" in there, but I think that it's "too many cooks spoil " Well, it was all it was just all sort of chinese proverbs and that. One of my favorite on the same subject is, "a camel is a horse designed by committee. " What do you mean? Well, it - I mean, it's having a go at the camel and it shouldn't. But it's just, you know, it's just a metaphor. If you wanted to design a horse, and you had that vision, but you let you let 12 people in the room have their say, it wouldn't come out as you wanted it to do. And it wouldn't be as good. A vision is more perfect than committee, because everyone having their say it becomes anodyne. It becomes compromised, whereas the best thing you can do is have an idea and have a vision an auteur that. Rick, can I just say now, I can tell from his look that he's thinking, "which committee designed the camel?" Well, I just say I'd say, who Why would you request the hump bit? 'Cause that's just gonna get in the way, isn't it? I mean, I've always I've always said that about a lot of animals. It's like we've doubled up on a lot of them. We've chatted about elephants and mammoths. - One or the other. And that's the same with With a camel. I'd have it up there as, "what're they doing?" They were good years ago in the Jesus times and that. Don't need them now. You know what I mean? We've moved on. Well, not people who use camels to cross deserts. Whatever. I'm gonna I'm gonna throw some animals at you, and you tell how you'd improve them if you'd have been designing them. Okay? The octopus. So I can now go back. I can look at them and go, "what are they doing?" And where have they gone wrong? What's up with the How could you improve it? Like the camel, you'd go, "lose the hump. " I'd probably I'd probably give it a bit more of a body, - cut down on the arms And and give it some bones. 'Cause I don't understand how all this getting in a jar is good. When does he want to get in a jar? Well, it only wants to get in a jar according to your stories. No, but there's something that says it can get in a jar 'cause it hasn't got any bones. But I don't know why it'd want to do that in the first place. I can't even begin to answer that. Once again, you've You've said You've claimed that you've read that they like to get in jars. I mean, how do they know that octopus like to get in jars. Oh God, I love it. You can improve on an octopus! Millions and millions of years of evolution making it perfect for its surroundings. Okay, another animal for you then, Karl. Uh Giraffe? What what are they adding to the world? What are they doing? Well, it's not about what they add to the world, is it? But I thought I thought that's what everything's about. It's about things are here for a reason. The reason they're here is 'cause they didn't die. That's it. No, but there seem to be a lot of animals that are like Do you think there's a lot of cheating? Is that what you're saying? Is there lots of doubling up? - There seems to be a lot of doubling up. - Yeah, so you want, you want You you'd get it down to, like, eight animals that represented all of those Okay, who would get in your In your team? - You can choose any animal. - This is what I'm saying. If I was Noah, I would have gone like, "hang on a minute. I've just seen something that looks a bit like this. Let it drown and have a clear out. " But he didn't. He was messing about saving everything. He was instructed by God to save everything, to be fair to him. Yeah, but if he's been given that job, for me, he's sort of manager of that job. So you so you believe Noah as well? You believe Noah happened as well? And he built a boat big enough to carry two of every species? You actually believe that as fact, do you? Well, it's out there in book form. - Brilliant. - All right. Well, you haven't answered the question that we started with. - How did you meet Suzanne? - Just at work. Thanks. Oh, chimpanzee that, monkey news! There was this airline. And it was having a lot of problems and - What, pilots too tall? - Yeah, the cabin was so tiny only bananas were allowed in the cockpit for fuel. Anyway, there was a lot of strikes going on, right, because I don't know what it was about. It was over money or whatever. And the Well, get someone who doesn't need money. But but what else could you pay something in, Rick? - Well, peanuts. - Peanuts or fruit, yeah. So anyway, the boss of the airline, he had, like, one pilot who he could trust, right, - and that was his son. Right. But the problem is with a lot of these planes you need two pilots. - 'Course you do. - And he's like, "if only I had two sons. " But he didn't. There's no point harking on about it, right? - Sure. - This is he runs an airline? He runs an airline, yeah? But how many pilots are there? 'Cause there must be loads? No, there's loads, but the problem is a lot of them are going on strike. And each week he can see that, "we're struggling here. - We haven't got " - Well, just close it down. - No, you can't do that, Rick. - No can't - Of course you can. - It would cost him a fortune if he closes it down. Yeah, but one plane's not gonna make a difference in an airline, is it? - No no, it's all the planes. - It's all the planes, mate. So the son he's flying the planes and that. He's getting worried for his dad 'cause of his business It's falling apart. He's like Anyway, listen One plane won't make any difference. "Don't worry about it. We found someone who you could work with. " He said, "he's staying over near the sort of quarantine area where all the animals are kept. " Oh yeah, right. Okay. "They won't be looking in there. They won't bother. " So he's like, "all right. " No animal that could be a co-pilot, that's why. "I'll see you he'll meet up with you in the cockpit. "He'll meet up in the cockpit?" Yeah, sure. So anyway, he gets in there. He meets him. At first, a little bit of a shock who he's gonna be working with. - Why? - But he's thinking, "as long as I can keep my dad's business alive, I can " - Not with one plane. - Everyone's happy. Then one day what happens is a little bit of the problem. - Oh, dear. - Well, what happened is one woman who was on the on the plane got a bit peckish Right. And said to the air-hostess woman, "I'm little bit peckish. Have you got any sort of nibbles and that?" She went, "no we've got Got a sandwich. " She said, "I don't really want a sandwich. I want some you know, like the usual stuff that planes give out, just like a bag of nuts or something. " What, have they not given those out yet? So no, they don't give it - For some reason, she was like, "look, we've stopped giving out the nuts. We can get you a sandwich. And the woman's like, "I don't want a sandwich. I just want some nuts. You know what I mean? A sandwich is quite a big meal. I just want some nibbles. I want some nuts. " "Then that's not available. " Done. End of story. So she said, "well, you're saying there aren'any nuts. But earlier I saw you put a tray outside the cockpit, right? It had a sandwich on it, two cokes and two bags of nuts. " She said, "so you're saying there aren't any, but the pilots getting " "Well, there aren't any now 'cause that was the last two packets. " Done. - No no, so - Let's go home. "Well, I'll go and have a word with the pilot myself. 'Cause you only put them out there a few minutes ago. - He can't have eaten them " - Karl, you cannot no no. This is it. She was saying, "you cannot go over. " - No. Yeah? - Listen. - "I'm gonna go over because " - "No no, you can't. " - " I know I've been lied to. " - "No, you can't. " - So she goes. - There's no way. - The pilot - They can't get in anyway. chat about the nuts and what have you. And he's thinking, "what's going on out there?" He opens the door. She gets a glance in. Little monkey's up there with headphones on. *** bullocks.