Thea Vidale

is a woman who, uh, I had the pleasure of touring with almost 11 years ago, uh, all across the country, and, uh... Uh, you know, I'm going out on a limb by saying this, and I know people are gonnt mixed reviews, but the very first time I experimented ication.. (laughter) ...was by accident with this woman. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my girl, the very love, the very funny Miss Thea V. (applause and cheering, band plays upbeat tune) Ah, shut up. Yup, he ain't lying. I smoke weed. (laughter, cheering) I think they should make marijuana legal. (cheering) 'Cause pot smokers don't hurt nobody. We dial Domino's Pizza, get the pizza, we're in he. I've been smoking weed since I was 15 years old. I'm 54 now, so it's safe to assume I'll be smoking when Jesus come back. (cheering and applause) Hell, I done smoke so much weed, I thought I was smoking with Jesus. And ain't nothing wrong with smoking with Jesus. Any man that could turn ane into a pound is all right with me. (cheering and applause) Hold this for me, girl. I was talking to Jesus the other day. He called me collect. I hate when he do that. Talking about he want to bring the disciples ove. I said, "Hell, no, 'cause they get the munchi, "eat up all your ***. "And don't bring Judas, 'cause he'll smoke your we, then call the law on your " Now, see, some of y'all are getting sensitive, Like God gonna call you up tomorrow and go, "Hey, I saw you at the club laughing at them Jesus jok. (laughter) "I ain't trying to threate, but somebody going to hell. (laughter) Look, in the mirror, man. Look in the mirror." God don't care. That's why he put weed g. WOMAN: Yeah! Yeah! I don't like to be around drunk people, breath st, , and worst of all, they vomit in your car. Oh, they say they're sorry, but you don't ever see 'em scoop that *** up and takt home with 'em, do you? (cheering and applause) You smoke weed, your reality is differ. You don't even feel like mg with your kids when you hi. You be like... (breathy): "Quit it. (laughter) "I'm not playing with you. (laughing) Give Mommy a bite of your cookie." (laughter) And there's some stuff thay real Buddha heads understa. But have you ever been down to the last of your good s? The last of your good, good stuff? You know, the stuff that's so-good-you-got-to-stick-i- in-the-microwave- to-dry-it-out-so-you-can-r- it-up good stuff? And for those of you that do not partake in the herbage experience, (voice breaking): (laughter) I'm sorry. It's hard to talk about it. (crying): When you roll your last jo. ...it's like a ceremon. WOMAN: Oh, yeah... You know how you do. WOMAN: Yup. (humming "Taps") (laughter) (humming faster) (humming continues) (laughter and applause) (inhaling) (humming continues) (laughter) (applause and cheering) And you get down to that last little do, and you just high. You ain't messing with ***. Don't want nobody messing with you. All you want to do is be hh (laughter) And you sitting up here having the best giggly gigy of your life, 'cause you know they finna kill Kenny. (laughter) And some old messed-up pern come to your house, like your mama. (laughter) And she start asking you a whole lot of questions, so now you got to think. Oh, she asks you hard ques, "How come you eating Cool Whip and cornbread?" (laughter) And if you a true pot smok, you know late at night. And the best food commercil in the world is Red Lobste. Have you ever been so high, when they squeeze that lem, you actually grab your eye like they got you? (laughter) (applause and cheering) (whistling, cheering and applause) See, if you don't smoke marijuana, you don't get i. Don't but four things happn to you when you smoke mari. You get high, you get horn, you get hungry, and you go to sleep. (cheering) Hell, that's-that's for of the best feelings in the world right the. (applause and cheering) And if you up late enough and up high enough, you'll start thinking you can fix stuff. (laughter) Like world hunger. You ever be up late at nigt when the ministers be withe little African childre, and the flies be every which way? Be honest. Just 'cause it's you and me talking. When the fly land right he, don't sometime you wish the little Ethiopian would go.? (laughter) They could eat them flies! It's protein! (laughter) But I'm gonna tell you somg 'cause I feel close to you, I feel like you can understand me. When each one of my childrn got to be a certain ag, I asked them were they curs about alcohol and marijuan. Now three of my children-- I got four-- three of my children, Magla, Madea, and Adam, they don't smoke or drink. But my youngest child, Ser. (audience laughing) Why is that so funny to you people? He said he was curious. So I rolled a joint and m. Now some of you all ain't gonna agree with that, but I'm gonna tell you why I did what I did. You see them people out on the street? I don't know them. They could give my child a joint laced with ***, . AUDIENCE: Yeah. He be driving out on the ss with his little friend. Kill somebody or kill all of them. Why should my child have to be out on the strees trying to hide from me, whe can be in the safety of hie where I can supervise what the hell is going on? (cheering) But hold on! I'm gonna tell you just like I told him. "If you want a nickel bag, you got to give me five do. "You can't smoke my weed, and eat my Doritos. "Ain't no free ride! (audience cheering) I'm trying to raise you the right way." Some of you young people g. Don't know your *** from a shotgun. u, u just so. Yes, you're a little cute. Girl, let me tell you some. Your *** ain't gonna sy One day you gonna wake up, and they gonna be underneath your arms. With an M&M under one of '. and say, "Ain't God good?" Look at you. You scared, aren't you? (yells) Little punk. I'll hurt you. 'Cause you young. You can't handle me. Look at you. When you young like this, you can't think. You think your *** is all perky and stuff. One day, you gonna have to pee and can't pee. And you, your *** ain't going to never do what you want it to do, i's gonna be like dead Water W. (laughing loudly) You be talking about... "Please do something. Just do something." Is this too real for some of you? I'm... I know I'm a female. But I can't do nothing but tell you how it is. That's all I can do. I can't give you no fake s. And I'm sick nes. All these phones. lip ph. I had a Samsung flip phone. You know? Ring! I picked it up, I used. Now I got a phone that do e-mail, I got texting, and I don't like texti. Don't text me ***! If I wanted to read a lett, I'd wait for you to write . Texting ain't nothin' but letter-writing, and I don't want to hear that ***. You could've called me and told me that... Now, this is the portion of the show that was question. (laughter) I must tell you about sex. (audience whooping) Some of you will have it, and some of you will just dream about . I want to talk to the young girls, because you are the sillie. Yes, you are silly, baby. You don't know nothin'. How old are you, puddin' p? 25. 25, and she got braces on her teeth. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. (laughter) What you got, nis? What you got? I don't know. ying. Now, I would like to talk to you and be mature. Some of you don't get it. some of you girls want pretty men. You don't want no pretty m. You're sleeping on some good action. Get you a ugly man. I'm gonna tell you why-- a ugly man always got a jo, a ugly man always got a ca, and a ugly man has studied the woman's anatomy. He has studied it. you! And he will do well. . Come up, you look at him, his face will be like a glazed donu. (laughter) You will never know. (laughter) I'm saying to you... Look, you just got them big old ears. And if a gust of wind come, your *** is out of her, ain't you, junior? "What happened?" "He flew that way." ll , some of you men in here are doing metrosexual stuff Like shaving the hair off your nuts. (laughter) Stop doing that! Don't no woman want to go d with no man with no naked . The hair on the nuts is there to die the ugliness of the nuts. (laughter, whooping) Is this too real for some of you? (indistinct shouts) (whooping) Now, I want to tell yo, 'cause I love you. Some of you girls... are ho's. (laughter) And some of you are ho-ish. I know, because I've been ho-ish myself. (laughter) I have never been a ho, because I'm a good girl, a clean girl, a girl with a vision. You... if you can't wat till you get married... that's okay. I did it the first time I met my husband. He's from Trinidad. And the first night... oh, he was fabulous. He was ten years older. 'Cause, see, no (laughter) See, when I was in high school, I never dated young guys. I dated their daddy, 'cause they had their own . It's just good business, you understand. Why date a man that's got to ask a man for the car when I can date the man that owns the car? Mo' money, mo' money. Now... I want to tell you, some women, some of you are having sex and... you're sleeping wit, say, two, three in a week. (scattered laughter) Shut up, band boy! (laughter) Just blow the trumpet, blow the trumpet! I'm-a *** you later. But anyway... (audience whooping) (Vidale laughing) There's nothing like raping a man. I'd like to *** Noe, 'cause I look at him and I just... he's so little. You *** him, talking about in the police station, "Show us on the doll where she touched you." (laughter) Anyway... (laughter, whooping) I'm sorry, I was being sil. Anyway... I want to tell you, some of you women, you do things spontaneousl, and you have sex with... say you have sex with fiven and-and-and-and-and, and-and-and... ***... but you feel like a ho. You're not a ho. 'Cause if you don't come, it don't count. (laughter) Write that down. When you get them braces of you don't come, it don't c. It's void; it never happen. It's an annulment. So, another thing is this-- and I'm gonna leave you with this and I want you to think about it. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. And, ladies, don't no man marry no ho on purpose. Look at Arnold Schwarzeneg. (laughter, whooping) 'Cause that ain't no nice-looking woman he g. He got that *** from underneath the bridge at Chappaquiddick. t th. I... I had a good time wit. Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you so much. (cheering, whistling) Thank you. idale! (cheering, whooping, whist) That's our show! We'll see you next week with more Stand-Up Revolut! (cheering, whooping, whist) ♪ ♪