Family Guy S4E3 - English Transcript

[Singing] It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy I must say I do feel a strange satisfaction watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins. Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. The black ball's done nothing wrong. If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear. Wonder what the hell's down there. Judd Hirsch? Hey. What's going on? Nothing. All right. Hi, boys. Your ride is here. Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game. Oh, God. The pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder. Why didn't I clothespin the end of my *** like Muriel told me to? Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game. I just never stopped believing. Say no to acid. Jeez, relax, Mort. You'd think you were God himself. No, he's over there. Hey, you want to see what I can do? All right, ready? Check it out. Beer, glass. All right, now watch this. Oh, hey. Guess I'll go over here for a minute. Oh, holy crap! That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow. That's amazing. I've never seen anyone do that. You want to go out later? I'll be right back. I'm gonna go ***. Okay, everybody ready? Hey, where's Quagmire? [Sighs] [Quagmire grunting] [Quagmire grunting] [Quagmire groaning] QUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom already? A scandal at the Quahog Bowling Alley tonight where a local man, Glenn Quagmire was charged with peeping in the ladies'room. Coming up, Diane's weight. He's all yours, Joe. You're lucky I've got some extra pull around here thanks to my 18 medals for heroism. There he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry them? I did something like that once. And in the event of your death you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife? Yup. And your wife is this piece of pie? You got it. Love you. Okay, sign here. You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that. Well, well, look who's here. All right, all right, look, I know an apology is due here so, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested. Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom. Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family. We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood. Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around. First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up. [Car tires screeching] [Train horn blaring] - This isn't medium rare. - Then have them take it back. [Peter panting] Sorry about that. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, you know? He's just a little mixed up. That's all. Come on. Give him another chance, eh? All right. But one more incident like the one at the bowling alley and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood. Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways. I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way. All right, Glenn. This exercise should help teach you self-control. Here's this month's Victoria 's Secret catalog. Oh, God. Oh, God. Dead kittens. Dead kittens. Old nuns. Really old nuns. Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go. - All right. - You did good. Good. Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public? Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation. Okay, if I make this, we're all gonna get laid. Yes! Score! Score! BRIAN: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now. Okay, Quagmire. Time to take off your training wheels. Okay, I think I'm ready. [AII chattering] Oh, boy. - What's the matter, Glenn? - Nothing. Oh, Stacie, you dropped your pompom in the water. - I'll get it for you. - I'll come with you. - Me, too. - But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take them off. Splash fight! [AII laughing] Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air. Naked plastic chicks. [Screams] - Where am I? Am I dead? - No. This is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. You don't say. Oh, my God! That one's having a heart attack! [Woman coughing] - That was amazing. - You saved her life. Thank God you know CPR. What the hell's CPR? Congratulations, Quagmire. You're the newest member of my wall of fame. What's wrong, Peter? It's nothing, Joe. I don't know. It's just that all you guys have something to be proud of. PETER: Quagmire got a key to the city. Mort bowled a perfect game. You're always getting medals for catching crooks. Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer. I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130,000 for this authentic Comanche headdress? I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear I'm the only one here who's got nothing, you know? If I die tomorrow, there's nothing people would remember me for. Not if you jumped off a skyscraper and landed on Joan Cusack. People would say, "Hey, remember that guy who landed on Joan Cusack?" Well, things are gonna change. From this day forth, people are gonna know the name Peter Griffin even if I have to shout it from the rooftops. You hear that, world? I am gonna do something that people will remember me for. [Thudding] Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack. Hello? Oh-oh. Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this. Later, Brian. I gotta do something people will remember me for which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine. You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this that leads me to believe this probably won't work. All right, Stewie. Let her rip. All right we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn, assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods. Brian, this time, I think I got just the thing people will remember me for. I am gonna stop pollution with my new lovable character Gary the No-Trash Cougar. Pick up your trash! I want to know whose cup this is. I said I want to know whose cup this is! Pick it up! Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a larbage, throw out your garbage. " Spread the word. Those freaking elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. - They just came out of the trees. - You saved my *** back there. You saved mine. - Here's to Snap. - To Snap. This sucks. I've been working on this all week and I keep coming up dry. Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna be remembered for anything. Not like my great-great-uncles, the Siamese twins who fought each other in the Civil War. - I'm seceding. - Like hell you are. Not too smart, huh? Yeah, did not think that one through. Peter, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people and find out what's special about you. In sadder news, the man who held the Guinness World Record for most drugs ever done by a single human being died today. He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs he thought he saw. There you go, Peter. You could break a world record. What, are you nuts? I got no special talents. What can I do that nobody else does? Well, you just ate my tip. I got it! Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos. These aren't Mentos, Lois. Everybody, you're looking at a guy who's gonna set a new world record. I am gonna eat more nickels than anyone has ever eaten before. Setting this world record is gonna make me famous just like the world's fattest twins over there. - Did I tell you that I'm doing Atkins? - Oh, that's not good for you. [Coins jingling] - Dad, I just don't hear it. - Come on! Really, Peter. It just doesn't You're telling me that doesn't sound like Camptown Races? Not one bit. Do Short People! This is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheel. Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah. I'm off to make trouble for the establishment. PETER: I love you, Lois. LOIS: I love you, too, Peter. Even if you are full of nickels. [Coins jingling rhythmically] [Jingling intensifies] PETER: Goodnight, honey. [Alarm beeping] Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see. DOCTOR: How about now? PETER: No, nothing. DOCTOR: Well, that makes me feel much better. You can't see the spaceship, either. My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture you can see a spaceship. Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband? Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning causing him to lose his sight. Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat. I can't see a damn thing. You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop. Vamp! Vamp! [Playing fast-paced piano music] So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out now that he's lost his sight. Nobody took care of me when I lost my arms and legs and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Hey, Meg, they got a Happy Days spoof in here but they call it Crappy Days. All right, you know what? If you're not gonna laugh, then I'm not gonna keep you company. This sucks. Now the only thing anybody's gonna remember me for after I die is being that blind guy. Don't give up yet, Peter. I mean, many blind people live rich, fulfilling lives. I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot. Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, "Is this in bad taste?" But you know what? I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Oh, worth it. Totally worth it. - Hey, you still awake, Lois, honey? - Dad? That's right. I'm your daddy. Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah. Now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft *** running down your big manlike Holy crap, it's Chris. So, how're you doing? You do all your homework? Finish all your subjects? - Yes, sir. - Good. Just checking. Have a good night, Son. PETER: You still awake, honey? STEWIE: What the deuce? - Peter, what the hell is that? - This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus. What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for? Well, because I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive. I don't know when to cross the street. And I took a dump in the church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first. But I don't know. I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman. We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. Hi, sorry. I know you got a meeting going on. But So we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later you know, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here. Peter, this is something you're still adjusting to. You can't expect to get used to it overnight. Whatever you say, Brian. I'm going to The Clam. Did Peter leave? Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this. I know. I'm so worried about him. I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him. - Are you not wearing makeup? - No, I just You know, since Peter went blind it's actually been kind of nice not to have to worry about my appearance. I see. Is it really noticeable? Well, a little mascara wouldn't kill you. I was kind of thinking I'd try an au naturel thing. You think you have the skin for that? Oh, let me light that for you, babe. - Wow! - Yeah, magic fingers. - Jesus Christ! - What? Get the Escalade. We're out of here. [People screaming in terror] [Brutus whimpering] Come on, girl. I'm thirsty. All right, you don't want to come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter. Hey, Horace. I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot. So how's your hammer hanging? [Peter sniffing] Is somebody smoking in here? Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night and I was kind of fading in and out. But, you know, I was watching and I'm wondering, which one is the funny guy? Peter, grab my hand! - Jeez, Horace, you been drinking? - Grab it and pull! Come on, let's go. And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend - from that burning building? - That freaking place was on fire? And there you have it. Coming up next, watch me shave. Peter, you're all right! I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life. Yeah, Peter, you were amazing. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this. [Star Wars theme music] [Tweeting] [Laughing] [Roaring]