Desperate Housewives S3E20 - English Transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives: I saw the man in your freezer. Mrs. McCluskey and Parker shared a secret You can never tell anyone. but the secret was discovered. You bet me in a game of poker? - Susan was forced to make a decision. - Get out. There will be no kissing and no wedding. Lynette ventured into dangerous territory. - You ever wear your hair down? - Sometimes. - It looks really good. - Thanks. - You embarrassed to be dating me? - Gabby's going to hit the ceiling. Edie came to a disturbing realization Oh, my God. You're still in love with her. and Gabby took a bold step. In a few months, I will be Mrs. Victor Lang. Really, this is so stupid. I don't know my own strength. The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffeur who almost slammed a door on her fingers or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend. Thank you. You told Bree about your engagement? Yep. She's on the top of a Swiss Alp, and still managed to send a basket of muffins. You're kidding. Traveled five thousand miles and they were still moist. I don't know how she does it. It's late. Let's break out the champagne. You're not gonna embarrass me with some sappy toast? I'm not. But Susan's written a poem. A poem? She's reworked the lyrics to Wind Beneath my Wings. Testing. One, two, three. Testing. What are you waiting for? Get the champagne. Hi. - Hey, Gabby. - Hi, Edie. So, I finally met Victor. He is so charming. Isn't he great? I know it's been quick, but he's just so amazing. So you really love him? - He is the one? - He is. And I've never been happier. I am so thrilled for you. - Edie, are you OK? - Yes. Yes, yes. I'm fine. Oh, sweetie. Don't worry, you're gonna find someone soon. I just know it. - What? - Actually, I have found someone. - And I am crazy about him. - Well, who is it? Oh, no. No, no. Tonight is about you. Oh, no, no, Edie! Come on. It would make me happy to know who's making you happy. - Really? - Yeah. I wanna know who's putting that *** grin on your face. Well, actually, it's Carlos. Who? Carlos. I've been seeing Carlos. And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see. - Greg is definitely off the wagon. - Gossip. For most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation. An exchange of semi-interesting tidbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know. That mailman was in Sarah's house over an hour. Packages weren't all he's delivering. I could smell the whiskey on Amy's breath. It wasn't even noon yet. Joanne may say she was on a religious retreat, but since when does praying make your *** bigger? But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens. And that's when gossip stops being recreation, and becomes obsession. What kind of woman would keep her husband's body in the freezer? For ten years? It's crazy. Has anybody talked to her? I've knocked twice. She's not answering. I saw the curtain move. I saw a hand. Great. We know she's watching us. We're not who kept a corpsicle in the basement. That's right. She babysat your kids. Think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean, if you want to keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer. - Do you think she actually killed him? - Why else would she have hid the body? She's only been charged with improper disposal of a corpse. Once they defrost it and do an autopsy, I guarantee you they're gonna find a bellyful of arsenic. [Parker] What's arsenic? It's something yucky, honey. Go on and play with your ball. Go on. We're trying to protect them from this. Some things kids don't need to know. There are some things we don't need to know about. Would you guys excuse me? [Gabby] Hey, Edie. Oh, hi, Gabby. What's up? I've been doing some thinking, and you know how How do I put this? You know how you feel like sometimes people hate you? - I don't feel like that. - Well, you should, because they do. - Since when? - Since you started doing things - to *** people off. - About what? I don't know. Off the top of my head dating your friends' exes. Oh. Oh. So that big smile on your face the other night was all an act. You're not fine with me seeing Carlos. There are 1,000 single men in Fairview. Why do you have to date my ex-husband? - You're engaged. What do you care? - It's awkward. It's like if I donated a dress to charity, and I went to a party and you showed up wearing it. If you gave it away, then what the hell are you *** about? Look, Edie, just find your own men and stop snapping up other people's castoffs! And what if I don't? Then be prepared to suffer the consequences. Oh, please. You are as tall as my legs. What're you gonna do? You're about to find out. [doorbell rings] Who is it this time? Um It's Ian. - You gonna talk to him? - No. He's got flowers. - I don't care! - Looks like it's two dozen roses. Good. I hope the thorns rip him to shreds. OK, Mom, I know what Mike and Ian did was wrong They bet me in a game of poker! They made decisions about my life over a hand of Five Card Stud! "Wrong" does not even begin to cover it. [doorbell rings] OK, OK. But there are only two guys in this world who know all of your flaws and still love you. - You're gonna toss 'em both away? - Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first 16 years 22 years of my life. And I can go a few more. - This should be interesting. - What? Mike just walked up. - [doorbell rings] - Give it up. She didn't answer the first ten times, she's not gonna answer it now. This is getting sad. Take it like a Brit. Stiff upper lip. You know what? I've just about bloody had it with you! I preferred you when you were comatose and pooping in a bag! Lucky for you I don't have that bag right now. All right, that does it. - [door opens] - [Julie] Uh, excuse me! Guys Hi. My mom would really like for both of you to leave. Don't soft-pedal it. Let 'em know I mean business. Because, if you don't, she'll be very, very disappointed. Rip 'em! So just go home and think about what you've done. Ow! You want something bitchier, do it yourself! Here we are. Ravioli stuffed with duck confit in a porcini cream sauce. What do you think? I think it's a shame you didn't make any for yourself. [cell phone ringing] - Hi, honey. - Hey. - Just wanted to say I love you. - Aren't you sweet? [children arguing] What's that noise? Are the boys still up? Yeah, they don't want to go to bed. Of course they don't. They're kids, you're the dad. Make 'em. I tried, but they wanna wait up for you. They miss their mom. Is this your way of guilting me into coming back home? Lynette, the restaurant did close a half hour ago. Preston! Don't throw pudding! Tom, I'm sorry, I can't come home. We're doing inventory. So it could be a while. Well, OK. Try to hurry. I will. I love you. Bye. - Inventory? - I know. I'm a horrible person. I just chose ravioli over motherhood. - I should go home. - You have nothing to feel guilty about. You bust your *** in this restaurant every day to keep it going. If anybody deserves downtime, it's you. Those are shameless rationalizations. Keep them coming. Oh. Mmm. Those, too. There you are. What are you doing outside? Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McCluskey's house. Oh, jeez, they shouldn't have done that. We should go talk to her. No, it's late. She probably doesn't want us to bother her. Come on, bud, bedtime. So here's what's gonna happen. We're not talking to Edie anymore. - What do you mean, "we?" - I mean "we" as in, she betrayed me, and you're gonna support me because that's what friends do. And "support", to you, means acting like we're in junior high? I can't believe you're not furious at this. Before she sank her fangs into Carlos, she was dating your ex-husband and Mike! Yes. And do you know who I blame? I blame Karl and Mike. Why isn't anybody mad at them? I mean, let's face it. The men, they get away with ***. They're ***! OK. Back to Edie. I'm not sure I'm comfortable ganging up on her. Really? I wasn't very comfortable taking your side when you were feuding with Patty Monroe over the fence line. But I did. That's not fair. Nobody really liked Patty to begin with. Don't get me started about what I've done for you. I'm boycotting Madame Kim's Day Spa because of your botched bikini wax. Oh, my God. How do you botch a bikini wax? She will show you later! The point is, good friends share more than just gossip and brunch. They share enemies, too. So are you with me or not? - Of course we're with you. - We will give Edie the cold shoulder. No, no. Not cold. Frozen. I want icicles hanging from that ***'s ears! [Lynette] Hello? Hi. Do you still want me to look at that book report? Daddy helped me yesterday. You weren't home. Oh OK. Daddy does everything lately. How come you always come home so late? Well, I'm really busy at the restaurant. Believe me, I come home to Daddy just as soon as I can. [laughing] You're lying. What? You always laugh like that when you're telling a lie. [imitates Lynette's laugh] Why would you say that? Because it's true. I stay late because there's a lot of work to do. I'm the only person who can do it. I have to go to the grocery store because I'm the only person who can do that. So why don't you go upstairs and finish your homework? OK. But it is what you do. [tires squealing] - [honking horn] - Excuse me! Hey! Excuse me. That's my space. I'm parked in it, so that makes it my space. Hey, I waited for that spot while the guy made phone calls and flossed his teeth. - You can't just steal it. - It's a parking space. Keep a lid on your hormones, honey. God! You did that on purpose! Yeah! I'm about to do this on purpose, too! You crazy ***! What do you think you're doing? - What are you doing? - I'm taking my damn space! - You get out of my car! - [honking horn] - Whoa. Hey! - Say you're sorry! - Let me go! - Say it! - I'm sorry! - Say "I'm a rude, arrogant *** who needs to treat women with courtesy and respect!" I'm a rude, arrogant How did the rest of it go? [man] Freeze! - Was this man trying to steal your car? - It's my car! She tripped me and grabbed my keys. - Is this true, ma'am? - All right. Take his side. - Hey, who you spying on? - Lynette. She hasn't returned my last two phone calls. I think something's up. - She's probably just busy. - Yeah. We'll see about that. I'm calling her right now. [phone ringing] - Oh, my God. - What? She just screened me. I have been screened! Maybe she's in a hurry. No, no. This has Gabrielle Solis written all over it. - She is turning people against me. - And you're surprised? I told you how she'd react if she found out about us. Yeah? Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine. Because I invented them. - Lynette! Hi! - Hey, hey. - I just tried calling you. - Oh, really? - My ringer must have been off. - No prob. I wanted to invite you and the boys to Travers' birthday party Saturday. I'm having this reptile guy and he's got all these cool snakes and lizards. Oh, the boys would love that, but unfortunately I gotta work. Well, that's a shame because I was hoping you could cater. - Cater? - Yeah. I'm gonna need pastas and salads for the parents. - And at least 20 pizzas for the kids. - Wow, that many? Yeah. Well, you know kids. If one has a pizza party, they're all gonna want a pizza party. Could be good for business. Well, yeah, I guess I could work something out. I knew I could count on you. Love ya. Look, whatever that court report says, I do not have "anger issues. " I was just having a bad day. You threatened to decapitate a man over a parking space. A very bad day. Susan, when someone loses it like you did, there's usually a reason. - Are things going OK at work? - Work is great. You could just sign that paper and tell the judge I'm fine. - What about your family? - Family's terrific. Seriously, you're just wasting your time here. How's your love life? [sobbing loudly] [electronic beep] Cancel my lunch. I'm gonna be here for a while. [sobbing continues] Will you stop ringing that damn Sorry. I thought you were one of those pissants that keep ringing the bell and running away. So what's on your mind? I want you to come back and babysit us. The new sitter stinks. - Your folks hired a new sitter? - Yeah. And she thinks carrot sticks are snacks. Well, that's rough. But life's like that sometimes. It doesn't have to be. If you told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back the way it was. Parker, see those women over there? Nothing I could say would stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry, kid, but I just have to wait this one out. Can you imagine? I mean, finding out that two men you trusted bet you in a poker game. - How demeaning is that? - It depends on how you look at it. Men have been waging contests over women for centuries. I grant you, poker isn't as romantic as, say, jousting, but it shows how they felt about you. The real question is how did you feel about them? I told you. Hurt and betrayed No. How did you feel about them before this poker business? Well, I was engaged to Ian, so, obviously, I loved him. And Mike? Were you in love with him, too? - How we doing on time? - Susan. OK, fine. I loved him. I still love him. And I love Ian. So I am totally, hopelessly in love with two men. Now we're getting somewhere. This is good. No, this is horrible! This wasn't supposed to happen! I only let myself fall for Ian because I thought Mike was lost to me. And then, ***, suddenly, he wants me back, and now I have this choice that I can't possibly make. I agree it's tough. It's devastating. If I go with Mike, Ian's heart will be broken, and Ian does not deserve that. But how can I reject Mike after all he's been through? So you're just gonna walk away from both of them? You have to make a choice, sweetie. You've got two great guys, both of them crazy about you. To let one go, well, that's life. It happens. To let them both go, that's just Stupid? Yes. That would be the clinical term. Sounds great. Thanks. Hey, how would you like to eat something that's neither pasta nor pizza? Such food exists? Don't tease me. No, my friend Al, he's opening a soul food place Sunday night. He wants to test the menu with some of his chef buddies. He said I could bring someone. - And you want me to go with you? - It'll be after we close. Don't tell me you hate southern food, - because then we can't be friends. - No. I love it. It's just, that's a little late for me, and OK. I just thought it would be fun. It would be. But Sunday nights are kind of crazy. I'm packing lunches and checking homework Right, right, right. No worries. I get it. You were just the first person I thought of. You know, maybe I should go. It's part of the job to check out the competition. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Never hurts to see what else is out there. I agree. [children laughing and screaming] Go check out the snakes. I'll give you some pizza later. - See ya later. - I'll see ya later. - Want some pizza? - Yeah. There ya go. Lynette, What are you doing here? Edie asked me to cater. I know, I'm a total ***, but please don't rat me out to Gabby. Hi, Susan. I have 30 copies of your book. The kids can't wait for you to sign it. Come on, let's go. Come on, come on. Looks like we're working the same corner. Yeah. Only I didn't know Edie was gonna have the party in the park. - What if Gabby sees us? - Trust me, we can both relax. I talked to her this morning and she's out with Victor all day. That's a relief. Go ahead. I dare you. What's going on? - There. - Hey! Don't do that! - Why not? - Because she's not a witch! - How do you know? - She isn't! Don't be a jerk! Is she your girlfriend? Parker's in love! Shut up! Hey, you boys! Knock it off! Parker, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? You know, everything would be OK if you tell people what you told me. You can make them stop. Hey, Lynette, it's Gabby. Victor got pulled into some photo-op at the homeless shelter. I'm free for lunch. You wanna go with? I tried Susan, but she's not home, which is weird, because her car's in the driveway. So is yours. Where is everybody? [children shouting] Here you go. Down! Down! Get down! - What is wrong with you? - Gabby's coming. What? You said she was with Victor! I was wrong. I was wrong! Come on, follow me. - Mommy, can I play? - No. Go ride the python. Come on! OK, OK, she's circling the park. I wish she'd hurry. I'm terrified of snakes. Yeah, I'm more terrified of Gabby. OK, good, good, we're almost home free. - What? - Don't turn around. [both screaming] Lynette! Susan! Hey, Gab. Hi. - What are you two doing here? - What are we doing here? Well, Edie hired me to cater. So it's just business. - I don't know what her excuse is. - You are so dead. [Gabby] This is an absolute betrayal of our friendship. Gabby, she asked me to make 20 pizzas. I couldn't turn it down. This is so delicious. Is that what our friendship is worth, Come on, Gabby, be fair. You put us in a really awkward position. - Me? You two owe me an apology! - No. Gabby, be reasonable. I am leaving this party, and if you don't come with me, our friendship is over! - [Lynette] Gabby! - No, I mean it! [screaming] Carlos, stop! Put me down! What are you doing? Stop it! Carlos, put me down! How dare you maul me like that? You were ruining Travers' birthday party. What's wrong with you? I'm sorry. Betrayal makes me a little cranky. Come on. You can't tell Susan and Lynette who they're allowed to be friends with. What's ridiculous is you not having the guts to tell me you were dating Edie! - Here it is. - Yeah. I had to find out from her at my damn engagement party! I had to hear that you were engaged to Victor on the news! I didn't plan it that way. It was spur of the moment. So you just said, "Hey, what the heck?" - Are you even in love with this guy? - Yes. Deeply! Must be nice. Aren't you in love with Edie? We're having fun together, but it'll never be serious. Oh. So if I'm just dating, and you're in love and getting married, remind me again why it is that you get to be the angry one. I'm sorry, Carlos. You should be. [Mary Alice] And for the first time, Gabrielle was willing to let Carlos be with someone else - Hey. - Hey. because she knew he still belonged to her. Feel free to take home as much cake as you want. - I do not want to be tempted. - I might take a little for Tom Hi, Mrs. McCluskey. Would you like some cake? I didn't come for sweets. I know you've been talking about me, and I guess the only way to shut you up is to come clean. So who would like to hear the gruesome details? - I would. - If you feel like it Yeah. First off, and I know this will disappoint some of you, but I didn't kill Gilbert. I came home from a weekend in Laughlin and found him in front of the TV. Dead. - He still had the remote in his hand. - Good Lord. It was 2:00 AM, so I decided to wait until morning to call the funeral home. And I went to his desk to make sure everything was in order. I found his pension plan, and guess what. In the event of his death I was not the beneficiary. - Who was? - His first wife. They were married when he started the job, for two years. We were together 34 years and that idiot didn't change the paperwork! I not only lost my Gilbert, but I was about to lose everything. So, I, um - I, uh - You put him in the freezer and kept cashing the checks. Well, what else was I gonna do? Besides, after a while, it was kind of nice having him around. Anyway, that's the truth. You ladies have my permission to pass it along Not that some of you ladies need it. Probably weren't expecting to see me? Well, after 20 unanswered calls No, not really. About that, obviously I have been very confused. But I finally saw a therapist. Actually, it was sort of a court-ordered thing, anyway Well, I need to talk to you. You sound sure. I am. I'm going to marry Ian. Believe me, this wasn't easy. Especially when you started to remember how it was between us. Maybe if the timing had been different Yet, it wasn't. I'm sorry, Mike. Well, at least I have my memories. - Ready to go? - Yeah. I told Kim we'd be out the rest of the evening. She's gonna lock up. - Great, I'll just get my jacket. - OK. - Hey, you got a table for seven? - Hey! - Hi! What are you doing here? - Hey, Mom! Well, the kids wanted to surprise you, and it's been forever since we've all had dinner together Well, how did you get here? I mean, you're not supposed to drive. I took a cab, a double dose of the painkillers, and voila. - You surprised? - Yeah, a little. - We missed you! - I missed you too. Why don't you guys go grab that big table, and I will have Rick whip something up for us! Hi. - Wow, you smell good. - Oh! It must be the basil. It has got a sweet smell. Hey, Kayla, can you get a high chair for your sister? - Yeah. - All right. Who wants pizza? - [children] I do! - Hi. Change of plans. Yeah, I see. - I'm sorry, you could still go. - No, no, no, I'll stay. I'll cook for your family. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks, sweetie. You are taking such good care of me. - When's Lynette getting home? - As soon as she closes up the pizzeria. Is that guy Rick helping her? He better be, for as much as we're paying him. I think Lynette likes him. Well, sure, he's a nice guy, hard worker. No, I mean she "likes him" likes him. What makes you say that? Just something I noticed. Well, good night, Daddy. "Mrs. Susan Hainsworth. " God, I love the sound of that. Or did you want to keep your name? I love the sound of that, too. As long as I get to call you my wife. Deal. You do realize we're going to be blissfully happy? It could actually get a bit disgusting. People might throw fruit. [laughing] I'm gonna lock up down here. Why don't you go upstairs and warm up the bed? You do realize we're gonna be great together, don't you? I know. [Mike] Hey, Susan. I don't mean to bug you. There's just so much I didn't get to say. I'm lousy at goodbyes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and, well, I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike. [machine beeping] Hey, Susan. I don't mean to bug you. There's just so much I didn't get to say. I'm lousy at goodbyes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and, well, I hope you find the happiness you deserve. - Bye. Oh, this is Mike. - [machine beeping] Where are you going? Home to England. To England? What's wrong? Well, it's just I don't think this is going to work. What? Ten minutes ago we were making plans. You were saying how great we were gonna be. I saw you listening to that message from Mike. Oh. - Ian, I made my choice. - But not for the right reasons. You're trying to honor a promise you made. That's not true. I will get over him. You've been trying to get over him as long as I've known you. Haven't had much luck, have you? - Ian, I love you. - I know you do. But you love him a little bit more, don't you? I can't live a life where every time I see you with a faraway look, I'll wonder if you're thinking of him. I'm so sorry. You deserve to be happy. And so do I. Goodbye, Susan. - Hey, Mrs. McCluskey. - Lynette. Well, it turns out our new babysitter isn't working out too well. You feel up to another tour of duty? Are you sure you want the Wisteria Witch looking after your kids? My kids know you're not a witch. Too bad. I could use the leverage. - We missed you. - Same here. I'm gonna need a raise though. I'm kinda strapped. OK. I talked to Mrs. McCluskey and she is gonna start looking after our kids again. - That's great. - Yeah. Because actually, I have been thinking, and it is time that I got back to work. - What? - Yeah. I'm feeling good. I'm getting around better. But the doctor said your recovery would take months, and it's only been six weeks. Well, it's not like I'm gonna dead-lift a bag of ice, but I can sprinkle cheese on a pizza. Besides, I hate making you run that place by yourself. - I don't mind. - Really? Before you said it was killing you. Yeah, well, you know, it is, but I just don't want you to come back before you're ready. - You might re-injure yourself. - I'll be careful. The best part is, we can finally get Rick off the books. Rick? Why would we want to let him go? Well, I know he's been great, but his salary's cutting into our profits. Actually, he is bringing in more than enough business to cover his salary. With all those new dishes he's cooking, he's got a lot of fans out there. - Does he really? - Yeah. I think firing him would be a huge mistake. Well, it was just a thought. Well, don't think so much. Just rest and get better. That's what you need to do. - You gonna be late tonight? - Probably. We've got a big party coming in at 10:00. So, I'll just see you in the morning. - I'll be here. - OK. Hi, Ida. What's up? That idiot postman mixed up our mail again. Poor Mr. Henley. He does seem to be getting worse. - Thanks for stopping by. - You heard about Mike? - No. What about him? - He moved. Moved? What do you mean? Mona Clarke was up at 2:00 in the morning with acid reflux, and she saw him pack his car and everything. That doesn't make sense. Mike wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. Well, he did. According to Carlos, something bad happened, and Mike just wanted to get the heck out of Dodge. It's a pity. I always liked him. [Mary Alice] Gossip. It's just a harmless form of recreation. It's careless talk that deals in polite fiction I'd love to be assistant manager, but apparently you have to flirt with Mrs. Scavo to get that job. It's nasty speculation that's based on not-so-polite fact. He may be dating Edie, but everyone can see he's still in love with Gabby. How do we protect ourselves from the venomous sting of such idle gossip? You the lady who kept her husband in a freezer? The best way is to just tell the truth Yep. That's me. Scary, aren't I? and wait for people to start talking about someone else.