According to Jim - The helmet

(DRYER RATTLING) Cheryl, that dryer is making that noise again. CHERYL: I know. (BANGING) (RATTLING STOPS) Thank you! Daddy, what do you want for your birthday? My birthday? I think I want breakfast in bed and then read the paper till dinner. Which I'd also like in bed. How about a magic tiara? That was second on my list. JIM: Huh? I think I know what you want for your birthday. And what's that? A new dryer. (CHUCKLING) You know, you never did take the time to know me well, did you? Honey! I got to run everything through three times before it gets dry. Look at this, my T-shirt's been in an hour. It's still wet. That wet T-shirt argument works against you. Okay, girls, come on, let's go to school. Jim, we need a new dryer. No. Look, when Ruby lost a few teeth, did we throw her out and get a new kid? (SIGHS) No, we kept her! Now, don't you think a major appliance deserves the same consideration as one of our children? Jim! No, Cheryl, when the dryer breaks, we'll get a new one. Simple. Okay? Come on, girls. Daddy, how about a gumball machine? (GASPS) Somebody's been reading my list. (GIGGLES) Ha! Die! (EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! (GRUNTS) I cannot break that dryer! I threw in a wrench, two hammers, and Ruby's lunch box, and it's still going. Why don't you just send your stuff out, like I do? (CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, honey, listen to yourself. You're still living like you have a job. That's right, I'm an unemployed loser, I'd forgotten for five minutes. Thanks for reminding me. Mmm. Hey, is that the auction site? Yeah, this is the sports memorabilia site. So, what do you want to get Jim for his birthday? Oh, God, I don't know. Not that, go down. Stop! Hey, hey, what's that? A Chicago Bears helmet signed by *** Butkus. Yeah, he loves that guy. Let's get that. Okay, now you just need a screen name so you can start bidding. Oh. Oh, hey, how about Charlie A? 'Cause we used to play Charlie's Angels when we were little. Oh! Yeah! Remember Andy in that tube top? Yeah. (CLICKS TONGUE) Okay, so, Charlie A. All right, and now you're bidding against SpiffyTool405. Okay, go for it. All right. Now you're the highest bidder. Oh, I win! This is so exciting. Well, Cheryl, there's still four days left, so anyone can bid. Oh, come on, who's going to mess with Charlie A? Who the hell is Charlie A? What do you mean? For the last three days I've had the highest bid on this Butkus helmet and some clown is driving up the price. Hey, Jim, will you check on that Full House lunch box? It... It comes with an Uncle Jesse thermos. He made lunch cool. Well, Charlie A, it's time to separate the men from the boys. (CLICKING TONGUE) Oh, no! You just got outbid by SpiffyTool405. What? SpiffyTool405! That's probably his weight! I can just see him sitting there scratching his belly eating a jelly doughnut. Hey, Andy, you got a jelly doughnut in there? No, none today. (CLICKING TONGUE) Man! This Charlie A outbid me again! Well, I think I know what the "A" stands for. Oh, God! Why don't you go outside and make a friend, fatty? Come on! Oh, you son of a... Look at this guy! He outbid me again! You know what? I got to change my tactic. What're you gonna do? I'm going to cozy up to him, you know? Get him to back off, then the helmet is mine. How's it hangin'? "How's it hangin'?" How's what hangin'? He thinks you're a guy. Oh, my God! (GASPS) Oh, oh! What're you doing? I'm writing him back as Charlie A. Once I'm his buddy, this 400-pound geek desperate for any sort of human contact will just hand the helmet right over. You have issues. Yeah, I know. Okay, what should I write? Right. Think of the lowest common denominator. What would Jim say? That's easy. (IN JIM'S VOICE) Hey, how about that game last night? What game? Oh, come on, there's always a game somewhere. Hmm. (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah, that was a good game. Oh, that was a great game. Good game. Hey! Hey. "I hear you, my man, you marry them and right away they try to change you"? Yeah. Are you still writing SpiffyTool405? Yeah! This helmet is as good as mine. Men are so stupid. So, are you guys becoming friends? How could we not? We both could stand to lose a little weight, we've both been kicked out of Bulls games for mooning a ref, and our favorite beer is the next one. You're not gonna, like, go out cruising for chicks together, are you? (LAUGHS) No! Dana... Being a guy is fascinating. You know, he tells me stuff he would never tell his wife. Like what? Oh, get this. He buys sports memorabilia off the Internet and he hides it from her in his tool cabinet in the garage. My God! That poor woman! Oh, please, she's a sap. Hey, hey, tell him an off-color joke. Guys love those. Oh, I don't know any. No! You married an off-color joke. Oh! I got a great one about a sailor and a parrot who meet the pope. (LAUGHING) I heard it at a gas station. Ew! (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, okay, oh, I get it. The parrot's Jewish, right? What? No! Oh, I don't get it then. (PANTING) Oh, what a run! Oh, boy! Heart's beating, the blood's flowing, I feel so alive. How far did you go? Just to the corner. Huh. Then I threw up on an anthill. Oh, Andy. Hey, you know what? Charlie A's a runner. He runs three miles a day. Do you believe that? Yeah. Yeah, there's a name I haven't heard more than 16 times today! I thought you were just sizing up this bozo so you could get the helmet. Well, I was, I was. But you know what? It turns out we got a lot in common. It's kind of nice. You know, having a friend who's a real guy's guy, you know? Hey! What about me? Oh, come on, you know what I'm talking about. I mean, like a guy who's married with kids and... Doesn't wear velour sweats. Yeah, but when you run and you're not wearing underwear, it's delicious. JIM: Oh, get out of here! Hey! You ready? Oh, honey, yes. I am starving. Let's go. Yeah, you know what, sweetie? It's kind of a long drive. Do you need to use the bathroom? I don't need to go to the bathroom. Okay. Hey, uh, are my keys right there? Will you grab them? Oh, yeah. Spiffy Tool? JIM: Hey, Cheryl, I heard a great joke today about a sailor and a parrot meeting the pope. You wanna hear it? (STAMMERING) No, I think I heard that one. Yeah. The parrot's Jewish, right? SpiffyTool405! 405 is April 5th, that's Jim's birthday! How could I be so stupid? (GASPING) I don't believe it. I'm the sap wife! God! This stuff must've cost a fortune! Look at this Michael Jordan basketball! Sammy Sosa baseball! Oh, this ball's green and fuzzy. Oh, God, it's an orange! He stood there and told me I couldn't get a dryer and yet, and yet, he's spending money on this, on this pucky thing signed by Bobby Hull. Bobby Hull? Cool! (LAUGHS) Wow, your nostrils are flaring. You know, you could fit a nickle up there. (CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah, that'll have to wait. We have work to do. Hello, my little doves. GIRLS: Hi, Daddy! So, what are you girls up to? We're doing a project. Yeah. Oh, that'll come in handy when you grow up. Oh! Hey, we still have to do Saturn, you want me to get another ball out of the garage? Yeah, they're in Jim's tool cabinet. (STAMMERING) Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got these balls out of my tool chest? Yeah, yeah, Dana and I were just looking around in there. We found basketballs, baseballs, hockey pucks... Oh! (GRUNTS) Oh! Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? We worked *** those! Cheryl! This is an autographed Michael Jordan basketball. And this so-called moon is a baseball signed by Sammy Sosa. Two hundred and fifty dollars! Three hundred and fifty dollars for the basketball! All right! Here, you big baby! We didn't really paint over them. Here. You did this on purpose? Yes. Well, you know, this is a pretty lousy way of making whatever point you're trying to make! Jim, you are such a hypocrite! You won't buy me a dryer, but you'll spend just tons of money on this crap! (EXCLAIMS) Crap? Do you realize this crap can be worth a lot of money one day? Enough to put our kids through college! Oh, I see, so you're gonna sell 'em? (STAMMERING) Why do you always have to push it? Jim, why would you hide this stuff from me? I'll tell you why. Remember I came home one time with that Ryne Sandberg rookie card that I bought? You said I was throwing my money away. Well, you took all the fun out of me throwing my money away! So, in the future, keep your hands off my... Sports stuff! (CHERYL SIGHING) Cheryl, you had him on the ropes, if you'd just told him that you were Charlie A, you would have crushed his spirit forever! (SCOFFS) Are you kidding? I want to see how he spins this to Charlie A. I've got a window into Jim's mind. Yeah, well, all you're gonna see is a wall with three buttons. "Sleep," "belch" and "fart." Okay, now, I know it's not until Saturday, but happy birthday, buddy. Your traditional birthday breakfast burrito. Make a... Wish. Talking to Charlie? Oh, whoa, okay, you know what? That's it. I put a lot of thought into your special day. Me and the guys were even going to sing you Happy Birthday, but you know what? Forget it. You know what? Charlie was right. He said you'd be jealous. Well, why don't you and your best friend Charlie just run off and get married, huh? And do all the things you and I do, like eat and watch TV and... All the other stuff I can't think of, because I'm so upset. You were so right about Andy. Unbelievable! We have a huge fight last night and all he can talk about is some stupid burrito. Well, Cheryl, guys never talk about what's bothering them. You gotta draw them out a little, speak their language. Oh, right. Right. Wives, huh? Right. Can't live with them, but if you don't, they take half your stuff. (LAUGHING) That's good. (COMPUTER BLEEPS) "I hear you. The wife and I really got into it last night." Yes! We're in. RUBY: Mommy! The toilet won't stop! Yeah, Dana would you handle that for me? (SIGHING) I gotta get a job. CHERYL: So, what was the fight about? JIM: Well, I wouldn't spend money on a new dryer, and then she found my sports stash. So what? You make the money. (GRUNTING) God, it hurt just to type that. Yeah. Apparently, we both, quote, contribute equally, end quote. Laugh out loud. Well, you know what they say about women. What's that? Sometimes it's better to just buy 'em the damn dryer and shut 'em up. You think I'm being hypocritical? Maybe a little. And "hypocritical" is spelt with a "Y." (LAUGHS) You sound like my wife. Please! Don't insult me. Ha, ha. Well, actually, that's a compliment. Cheryl's a great woman. Sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve her. The only thing I can come up with is, when I was 10, I gave a hobo half a hot dog. I mean, I guess I've done other good stuff, but that's the one that really stands out. You know, why don't I let you you outbid me on the helmet? That way, you can bring it home and show her who's boss. No, you gave me good advice. Thank you, you take it. Okay, got to go. I'm attaching a video of a monkey kissing a goat. I dare you not to laugh. (LAUGHING) You're going to need a plumber. (CLANGING) Andy, I could use a little hand here. Oh, really, you want my help? All right. Ow! Oh, no can do. I got a Charlie A horse. Jerk. (GASPING) Honey! Honey, you got a new dryer? Yes, I did. (EXCLAIMING) Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, and happy birthday. (CHUCKLING) You're welcome. Oh, don't move! I'll be right back. (LAUGHING) All right. That is fascinating. It is your birthday and yet you bought Cheryl a present. What would make you do something like that? Well, it's, uh, it's nothing. It was on sale at Lazy Al's, so I got it. Oh, by the way, they're looking for a clerk, so I brought an application for you. Honey, honey! I was going to give it to you at your party but I couldn't wait. (GIGGLING) Happy birthday! Thank you, honey, you didn't have to do anything. I told you I'd be happy if you and the kids just left me alone for a night. Oh! (GRUNTING) (GIGGLING) Oh, my God! (STAMMERING) This is a *** Butkus signed helmet. I know! You know, I was bidding on one just like this! No. You were bidding on this one. SpiffyTool405. You mean, you're Charlie A? Well, well, well. What a delicious little twist to our story! Apparently, your guy's guy is a girl. Excuse me while I pause for a hearty laugh. (LAUGHING LOUDLY) Honey! Hey! Andy's taking us all to PJ O'Tuttlepool's for your birthday. (SIGHING) Honey... Oh, come on, honey, I didn't mean to hurt you. Look, I was just mad about the dryer and then I found out you were hiding all that stuff... (STAMMERING) And so I deceived you. Yeah. I'm not mad about you deceiving me. I've deceived you so many times, I guess I was due. Jim... (JIM SIGHS) Can I ask you a question? No. Why is it you shut down around me, but you can pour your heart out to some total stranger on the Internet? 'Cause it wasn't a stranger. He was my friend. And you know me, I don't got that many guy friends. Oh, God, that is not true! What? You got Andy. And... And the cheese sample guy at the supermarket. Yeah. Honey, I just small talk with him while I'm eating the cheese. When the cheese is gone, so am I. Honey, what do you want me to do? I don't know. I miss Charlie. Jim! You don't have to. Charlie's right here. It's a little different. How? Well, Charlie's got *** now. (LAUGHS) Well, honey, come on, just ignore 'em. (SIGHS) Okay, okay, look. All right, how about this? Talk to me like I'm Charlie. Okay? Just look me right in the eye. The eyes, Jim. Hi. You got blue eyes! Oh! They're really pretty. (LAUGHS) Thank you. Nice skin that blends right into your neck and goes right back where... Oh, will you stop it? (GRUNTS) Whoo! Yeah, that was a lucky shot. Oh, oh, really? You think so? You couldn't make that again in a million years. Okay, how about this? If I make it again, you have to forgive me. (STAMMERING) And what happens if you don't? Well, you still have to forgive me. No, uh-uh. And you have to wear my underwear on your head when we go out. Oh, God, that's so ridiculous! I'm not doing that! Oh, yeah? Charlie A would take that bet. (SIGHS) So, in this application, can I put you down as a reference? Yeah, um, I don't think so. (ANDY GRUNTING PLAYFULLY) (KYLE COOS) All right, hey, are we ready for O'Tutt's? Almost. What are you doing? (SIGHS) At least they're dry. (CHUCKLES) Come on.