The Mindy Project S1E21 - Transcript

Casey, Casey. What's up? - I know that you're really Christian. - Mm-hmm. - But let's say someone killed me - No. In a really horrible, horrible way. - What? - You would kill the murderer to avenge my death, right? - I would want to kill them - Mm-hmm. - Very badly, but I would not. - Good, good. I would ultimately try and forgive them. - What? - Ye You wouldn't kill the insane psychopath who cut me in half with his hook hand and dumped both halves of my body in a dumpster? What is this, I know what you did last summer? - No. - I get killed in a really cinematic way, and you just walk the other way, get a new girlfriend. And, by the way, he didn't just kill me. He killed our two beautiful mixed-race children. - What? - Beatrice No! And Casey Junior. - CJ? - Little CJ - Oh, no. - Who just lost his first tooth. Then I gotta kill him. Yeah? Yeah, he'd be dead. I would just cut him into 100,000 pieces and Fedex him across the planet so he'd be dead forever. Thank you. I love hearing that. - It's nice of you to say that. - That makes you happy? I know that was hard for you. Thanks for saying it. I wouldn't really do it, God. Are you talking to God behind my back? - Mm-mm. I'm sleeping. - Whatever. Mindy, I still care about you. Hold on one second. What? What's that, God? I should not know Casey as a man tonight? He is not saying that. He is saying that. You're not the only person that talks to God. He should know himself tonight - Okay. - On his side of the bed. - All right. - All right. Thanks, God. God wouldn't do me like that. the Reed method The first laparoscopic hysterectomy technique to reduce operating time, recovery time, and dangerous complications. The Reed method A technology of tomorrow, here today. Perfect. That is so good. - Yes! - No. Dr. Reed, you are gonna kill at that conference. I could not have done it without Morgan's A/V expertise. Nah, I'm not an expert. I'll get it. I did work the light board for the Otisville production of West Side story, in which we used actual rival gangs. It never opened, six dead. Santa he-ey! Sorry. You're seriously checking in a bag? We're going away for two days. Relax, Danny. This is a carry-on. Okay, there's no way that that monstrosity adheres to standard carry-on regulations. - Have you seen up in the air? - Yeah. Have you seen it five times? - Dr. L? - Yeah? A Stefani germanotta for you. She's interested in becoming a new patient. Miss gaga, it is an honor to be speaking to you. We've actually met before. I was escorted off your stage at the Nassau coliseum. It's not lady gaga. It's Josh. - Don't hang up. - Oh, God. I'm hanging up. I'm sorry. It's the only way I knew you'd pick up. You sound really pretty, like you've lost weight. Okay, do not flatter me, or insult me, whatever it is you're doing. Good-bye. No wait. I-I know you're going to New Mexico tonight. Ugh. How do you know that, you stalker? Well, I saw your tweet. "@hankbaskett, I'm flying to your home state tonight. "I think you and Kendra have a beautiful relationship. Big fan. " fan. " My Twitter is not for cheating ex-boyfriends. My Twitter is for friends, it is for patients, and it is for Wendy's to give me a shout-out on my birthday. It's just that I'm living near Santa Fe right now, - and I thought we could meet up. - Cool. No. No, absolutely not. I feel really, really bad about what happened, and I wanna tell you something. Oh, well, I wanna tell you something, but my new year's resolution was to stop calling people dicks at work. Yeah, I get it, but I'm gonna text you the address anyway, - in case you change your mind. - It's a waste of your time. But I'll text it anyway. Save your finger strength. Already sent it. Already deleted it. Mindy? I get pockets of food stuck in, - so I always carry floss. - Cool. I'll pray for you. Is Mindy hi. Hey, babe, what are you doing here? God didn't tell you that I was on the phone with my ex-boyfriend, did he? No, it doesn't work like that. You forgot your garment bag. Oh, of course. Thank you. You're bringing a suitcase and a garment bag? Yes, my suitcase is my carry-on and my garment bag is my personal item/purse. When Bruce Springsteen flies, he gets a first-class ticket for his guitar. He sits in coach. What does that have to do with anything? Mindy, you were just on the phone with your ex-boyfriend? So Josh called me, and he wanted me to come visit him when I go to Santa Fe. Okay. Which I'm obviously not gonna do, 'cause you know what? He can apologize to me in hell. Why are you going to hell? I love gossip, and I don't really care about the environment. I don't think that's gonna send you to hell. Thank you. I don't know. - I think you should see him. - What? Really? Why? Closure. You know, you don't wanna spend years of your life hating somebody. Oh, Casey, I agree with you. Oh, I don't hate anybody No. You know who I do hate? Whoever it was at pinkberry who decided to introduce that pumpkin flavor. Can you imagine all the flavors that could be in its place? Peppermint, chocolate They don't have chocolate and they have pumpkin. They do have chocolate. They do have chocolate. - I don't hate 'em anymore. - I guess what I'm saying is that if Josh wants to apologize, you should let him. So you wouldn't be jealous if I saw Josh? I mean, don't, like, hook up with him. Well, you better not hook up with anyone while you're here, some cute nun that you work with or something. Even if I did, that'd be "nun" of your business. - That's an old joke. - It was it was funny. It was? No, it wasn't. It was not funny. Well, then I have a bad sense of humor, because I really liked it. Well, good. So, you're just really not going to be a jealous boyfriend? "A tranquil heart "is the life of the flesh. Jealousy rots the bones. " It is so hot when you quote the Bible. That's not the that's Shel Silverstein, actually. Why don't you try this one on for size? "The kingdom of heaven" Mm-hmm. "Is like a grain of a mustard seed that a man took" Whoa. "And sowed in his field. " Yeah? Yeah. I like that one. You like that? Mm-hmm. Are you wearing lipstick? Good morning. This is your Captain, Donna MacGoyer. Donna? Oh, God. My copilot today is Amy Donaldson They're both? Danny! Okay, this is us. Nice and easy. Okay Okay. Can you please help me? - Nope. - Okay. Okay, okay, all right. No, no, no, no. No. No, no, no. No, let her do it. She needs to learn. Okay, look, you don't know the whole situation, okay? I-I You all right? - Yeah. - You okay? Help me, help me. All right, hold on. Get up. Get up, get up. What'd you pack in this thing? - Okay. - Okay. I told her not to over-pack. All right. Okay, one - Okay, we are - This is two, three. We got it. Jam it in there. We got it, Danny. Okay. Push it in. Ooh, I know what we're doing after the presentation. "Your trip to New Mexico is not complete without a visit to an authentic navajo sweat lodge. " Or as Danny would call it, any lodge. I heard my name. Was that a sweating joke? Danny. Danny, wake up. - Yeah? Are we there? - Wake up. No, we're hours away. Are you kidding me? Danny, I need your advice about something. Josh called me. Nope. You don't even know what the question is. When it's Josh, the answer's no. He lives in New Mexico now, and he wants me to visit him so that he can apologize to me. Come on. Things are going great with Jesus Christ superstar. Don't screw it up. Casey's the one that thinks I should do it, actually. He thinks I'm really angry, and this would give me closure. Closure? There's no such thing as closure. That's just something Dr. Phil made up, or the funeral parlor industry. Okay, buddy, one rant at a time. I mean, you think I had closure when Christina cheated on me and ruined my life? You think my mother had closure when my father left all of us? No. No one had closure. Okay? And you seem to have moved on fully from both of those events. New technologies present us with new opportunities with different pros and cons New technology that saves lives. Topics we will cover include Hey, where are you going? I have forgotten to wear underwear, and it is very arid in this climate, so I'm feeling uncomfortable. Okay, we got it. Just go, just go. I'm gonna yep. I'm going, so just You are not going to meet Josh. Hey. How did you beat me to the car? Did you stop at the snack bar? No. Come on. Don't go meet your ex-boyfriend. What could Josh possibly tell you that would make this trip worthwhile? I need to know why he did what he did, okay? Like, maybe he's part of twins, and the evil one was the one that cheated on me. I'm just never gonna get over it if I don't hear his side. Well, you can't drive. You had a mimosa at breakfast. You know that I spilled most of my mimosa when I was reaching for waffles. So, you want me to give the wheels to a drunken, undocumented rentee? It doesn't matter! I-I'm going. Well, then I'm driving. You would miss a day of the conference just to take me to this place? I have no choice. My signature's on the rental agreement. That line was highlighted, by the way. Dr. Walters, I am so honored you will be at my presentation. I mean, after all, you are the laparoscopic uterine King. Oh, please, the only one who calls me that is my vanity license plate. Dr. Reed it's go great just to sit down with you Dr. Reed, I think your phone's broken. You're not getting my texts. Excuse me, guys, I'm gonna Can I sneak in here? Little Scooch. There you go. - What are you guys talking about? - Hey, uh, Morgan, what are you doing? I-I'm having lunch with a colleague. You two know each other? Oh, yeah. Jer and I work together at Shulman and associates. No one calls me "Jer. " Morgan is a nurse at our practice. Right there, "R. N. " Morgan, where did you find that milk and hot dog? Oh, well, I'm not gonna pay $12 for brunch Highway robbery So, I, uh, found this great little cafe across the street called "the New Mexico anti-hunger coalition for the disabled. " All I had to do was answer a few questions. This was free. Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny! This is the best gas station I have ever been to in my entire life. How do I look? You look Indian. Excuse me? - I mean Indian American Indian. - I know. - Okay. What's in the bag? - It's for you A keychain with your name on it. Why would I want this? Do you know how lucky you are to have a name that they actually put on things? I can never find "Mindy" anywhere. I had to get "Mandy. " You didn't have to get anything. You know, I would really love to get a dog. I love my dog. She runs the house, not me. - That's just dog obedience, doc. - Really? Yeah, you just gotta get a firm grasp on the neck. I'm gonna show you real quick. Dupe 'em for a sec. So at first you're like, "aw, good, good. " And then you're like, "no! No!" No, no! No, Morgan! What are you doing? Hold on. Stop. - What are you doing? - I was just showing him the Don't don't you have that thing at 1:00 you've gotta go to? What? That thing at 1:00. You should leave now. Every day at 1:00 P. M. , I have screaming diarrhea. Every day. And it's very embarrassing to my friends, so I'm gonna go deal with that. Thank you for a great brunch. We should be getting close. Oh, man. This is a really posh area. Oh, my God, Danny. Do you think the thing that Josh wanted to tell me is that he's rich now? Should I get back together with him? "Clear sands institute. " What? This isn't the right place. This is the address These street names are killing me. Wait, why would Josh be here? I think he's in rehab. So this is rehab these days Must be nice. Oh, my God. Josh was a drug addict. I did not know this entire time I was basically living walk the line. You know, he was Johnny cash. I was Reese Witherspoon-cash. No, no, no. Don't start making up excuses for some lowlife junkie. Hey. We got what we came for. He was a drug addict. Let's get out of here. No, no, no, no. I have to go see him. I need closure. It's gonna take me five minutes, okay? Just be patient. Thank you. - Hey, Dr. Reed. - Hi. Hope you had a pleasant morning with your doctor friends. I wouldn't say pleasant, exactly. We went to a seminar on cyst drainage. Okay, let's skip the friendly chitchat. Look, I came here to rehearse. Morgan, I'm sorry I asked you to leave the brunch, but I came here to interact with other doctors. You know, I had a friend like you back in Otisville. When we were alone in our cell, Melvin and I were as thick as thieves He was a thief. But we'd go out into the prison yard, and all of a sudden, he was Mufasa Al Muhammed and I was "white ***. " That's not the same. I'm not a white ***! That's not the same. - I'm not a white ***. - I'm gonna go explore Santa Fe. I don't wanna forget my sun hat, lest I be burnt twice today. Okay. Morgan, come on, mate. So Matthew Crawley? He's, like, gone. - Crawley? - Crawley. Damn it. Wow. What's going on with lady Sybil? Mindy. Hey. Wow, you came. Yeah. How's it going? Hello. Are you Josh's roommate? I'm Clay Matthews. I'm on the packers. "Packers"? Is that, like, a party drug? No, uh, Clay's an old client of mine. Oh, you're a professional athlete. You're visiting him. Yes. Uh, sit down, sit down. I'm so sorry. Sit down. I apologize. I just So rehab, huh? What? That's what this is? I thought I was at a planetarium. I'm kidding. I was doing a ton of ***. While we were together? Yes. Oh, my God. That is why you would always stand up in sunroofs in cars and yell, "I'm gonna live forever. " Mindy, I'm really sorry. When we split up, I was a wreck. I started missing work, making careless decisions. He talked me into doing a scary movie. I played Captain Jack spare-ribs. I still don't get it. That's where I know you from! When we committed, we were told the Wayans brothers would be way more involved. Anyway, rehab's been great. I go to therapy, yoga. I made a painting of what my spirit looks like. Mindy, I'm so happy you came. You know what, Josh? So am I. And I would love to get a photo of me tackling you. Sex addiction? That's not a real thing. Come on, man. You got too much time on your hands. Go for a run or make a ship in a bottle or something. What's your deal, pal? I am addicted to body building. Nope. What about my addiction to needing validation from men? Okay, you know what? Was that a good question? No, it's not Look, guys, guys. Just listen up, okay? Whatever happened to *** addicts? That's what I'm talking about Ruddy-faced alcoholics. It used to be that a guy would start smoking dope because he just got back from Vietnam and he can't stop thinking about his pal he lost at hamburger hill. I mean, she doesn't even recognize the guy sleeping next to her anymore. That's addiction. Is this, like, from a play? No. But thank you. Look, the point is, everyone here should be ashamed of themselves, except you, ma'am. Overeating is a legitimate problem. Food is a drug. I'm addicted to buying figurines. - I'm so sorry, I didn't - It's fine. You know, I still beat myself up over what I did to you. You were on drugs, Josh. You know, once when I was High on cough medicine, I kissed my Uncle, full on the lips. Yeah, but that doesn't excuse what I did. I lied to you. I let my dealer shower at your apartment. Wait, what? I stole your prescription pad. Josh, we fired our cleaning crew 'cause of that. Then I cheated on Heather with you. That I actually know about. I cheated on both of you with a third girl, Marissa. Are you kidding me? No, I was a complete monster. That time you had dental surgery and I couldn't pick you up 'cause I said I had to work Yeah? I was with another woman. You were with Marissa when I was getting a root canal? No. It was a fourth girl. Ann. Yeah. - I lied to you a lot. - What is the matter with you? - Why would you do that to me? - Aah! Please! Okay, Morgan's duffel. Morgan, thank God. I've been looking all over for you. Yeah, well, you wasted your time. Because I don't need you. Because I got a new friend. I got my boy, Len. Len, give me a sign, buddy. Are you there? We go back and forth like that. Morgan, I found your gift. That's actually not for you. That that is for Julia Roberts, as a thank-you gift for being the sister of my favorite actor, Eric Roberts, so it's not Morgan, I know what it's like to be treated like you're not good enough. I'm kind of the Morgan of my family. Really? The garage door closed on your neck when you were a baby? Yeah, right. I'm the black sheep. But you're a doctor. Who went to medical school in America. They're embarrassed of me. You know, and that's exactly what I did to you. And I'm sorry. Apology not accepted. I-I got feelings, and they were pretty beat up. And I don't Oh, my God. Who am I kidding? You had me at "Morgan. " Come on, man. I can't believe you came back. I'm sweating tears of joy, you giant-headed weirdo. Let's go do this presentation. Come on, man. Hey. No, no, no, no. We've got some time. Let's finish our sweat. - Yeah. - All right. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh, that's good. It's good, right? Yeah. Do me a favor. Poke Len for me. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, that is good news. I'm gonna go, because you know what? I-I just don't understand how you did all of this, and I had no idea. Well, it really wasn't that hard. You're a smart person, but you have a way of ignoring things, even when all the signs are there. Clay, is he turning this whole thing around against me? You know what? My boyfriend told me that it was a good idea to come here and see you for closure, but he was obviously wrong. You mean Danny? What? You're dating Danny, right? I always thought you two had a thing. Danny Danny Castellano, who I work with? Yes. That's absurd. The drugs have really rotted your brain. Hey, we gotta go. They say I'm a trigger for the patients. Danny gave me a ride here, because we are on a perfectly innocent business trip. A tangled web. I've had enough, Clay. What's up, Danny? Hey, what's up, man? What are you in for? ***. Now that's what I'm talking about. Do you keep seeing visions of a crow? - Seems kind of wise? - Maybe we stayed in the sweat lodge a touch too long, but I-I feel fine. - Dr. Jeremy Reed. - Okay, let's do this. Ah, good evening. Without further ado, I present to you the Reed method. The Reed method is the world's first laparoscopic Just just a moment. Oh, my God. Is he okay? Ahh. Laparoscopic hysterectomy technique. While other, more traditional methods, have relied Can I get another pitcher? Next slide, please, Morgan. - Ohh. - Bull, bull. - Bull! He'll kill all of us! - Oh, boy. Dr. Reed, bull! Bull, bull! See what happens when we leave for the afternoon? Bull! I kinda like it. Why don't you just wear the headphones? Are you one of those weird people that doesn't use headphones when you watch the movie? Look, I get the gist, okay? He's scared to be on a boat with a tiger. Now they're friends. Yes, actually. That is pretty much it. I won't wear my headphones either. You okay? Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Hey, I barfed the bag full. Where should I put it, Mindy? Hi, Dr. L. Did you have a good trip? Uh, yeah. I did have a good trip. It was a great trip. It was great. Oh, and Dr. C, there's someone in your office for you. She says she's your ex-wife. Christina? Yeah. Hey, Danny.