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Paco, paco.
(Laughing) Oh, my goodness.
Thank you.
You're making me blush.
This is so embarrassing.
(Giggling) You don't want any part of the stink I got hidin' in this front ***, kid.
Okay, okay! I'll talk.
(Farting) Ugh! You ain't see ***.
Don't say nothin'.
(Crying) I thought she could handle this ***! Paco, paco.
You're right, we gotta bury her.
What you got, sugar? Uh-huh.
Oh, yes.
Right.
Hi there! I'm ed halligan.
I know last year on this show, I made a big deal about the world of television and the Internet merging into one.
But, look how far we've come in just a year.
More and more entertainment is coming out of our computers.
People now watch whole television shows on their computers.
We really are reaching a tipping point here where more people will get their entertainment from computers than from their tv sets.
In fact, if you're watching tonight's programming on a tv set hooked up to a cable, you may be behind the times.
It's true! Go on any college campus, you won't see tvs in dorm rooms.
Just laptops and xboxes and iPads.
Hey, I'll even go this far.
If you're watching tonight's show on a tv hooked up to a regular cable, then you're a real jerk.
That's right, jerko, you're making a real monkey's *** of yourself, sitting there like a first-class ***-up.
Look around! Does anyone else have *** on their face? No.
Just you and your dumb, old tv set.
Way to go, ***.
It's like, the cable company has its wires wrapped around your tiny, little balls.
You know, as a salesman, I make it my business to come out here and pretend I like you.
But as a human being, I gotta be honest, your mother is ashamed.
Enjoy the show.
(Chuckles) Female narrator: Tonight, on funny or die presents, romany malco's Tijuana Jackson, the United States police department, the movie of the week, paco dances, and Mitch magee in welcome to my study.
I'll be real, like, when I was about my Uncle tried to put his finger in my *** while I was asleep, but I caught him.
It took 8 hours of surgery to get my foot out of his *** larynx.
You know.
Man, (stuttering) My momma, she didn't really say nothing, you know what I'm sayin'? She lets the *** haul off and pressed charges on me.
That was my first trip to juvie.
You know what I'm sayin' in here? My Uncle went off and had my little sister.
You know, I just realized, like, you know what I'm sayin'? It's like, you know, maybe had I not gone to juvie my life would've took a different turn, you know.
Could've played sports or something.
Don'nobody say nothin' to my momma, 'cause she got bad nerves.
Too many people get to talking and making noise and ***, she goin' to get all jittery.
Act like you ain't there.
You a fly on the *** wall, for this one, all right? Momma! Woman: What? T.
J.
I know who it is.
What you want, junior? Do something for me.
Look Are we on Ellen degeneres? Oh, no, ma, them my cameras.
Well, what you filming? I'm a life coach now, motivational speaker.
They documenting me, you know, changing other people's lives.
People don't change, junior.
Can I come in the house? Not with that cigarette.
Okay.
Don't ask me for no money, either.
You need to water these *** plants.
I wasn't fixing to ask you for no money.
Okay, I need you to do a tagline for me, though.
It's going to make me look real wholesome if I'm a life coach that's cool with mom.
I'm not doing no tagline for you, junior, till you get a job.
This is a job.
It's the same *** that Tony Robbins do.
Who's Toby? You know who Dr.
Phil is? Dr.
Phil is a white man with a lot of Introduced to America by a black woman very much of your build and stature.
I'm asking you to be my Oprah winfrey, momma.
Oprah winfrey gets paid.
(Stuttering) (Whispering) Can I borrow $50? You got about $50 I can own? Anybody? Momma: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Momma, I'll give you $20.
What you want me to say? Are you going to do it? What is it, junior? Are you going to do it? Look what I got you.
Look what I got you.
What is that, junior? Soften up your features a little bit, make you more wholesome.
Middle America don't take lightly to strong African features, especially with Michelle flaunting them big old yams in the white house.
Mmm-hmm.
Look at that.
(Giggles) Just gave her a touch of class, just like that.
Snap of the finger.
Do not light that cigarette in this house.
I wasn't fixin' to, momma.
I wasn't fixin' to, I was just taking it out.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let me get that.
Want to make you look more wholesome.
Put that like that.
And when you say it, momma, just say it Say it, like, you know what I'm sayin'? Like you love your son, you know what I'm sayin'? Say it like you ain't never had a better son than me.
Okay? All right, I want y'all to frame her like this.
This is my son, Tijuana Momma, momma, can you look in the camera? If you're sayin' it, say it to America, say it to them This is my son, Tijuana Jackson, science of triumph.
You gotta say it with more enthusiasm than that.
If you say it like that Junior, my bladder is full.
Can you use it as motivation? I've got to go now! (Sighs) You know what, that's good enough for me, okay? I'm gonna take that, we're gonna edit it, we gonna put it on the website.
You know what I'm sayin'? Upload it to MySpace, Facebook, put this *** on Twitter.
You know what I'm sayin'? Anything we can do.
Look, what ya'll need to do, go outside, film some of the aesthetics, so people know where I come from, my lifesle, my background.
You know what I'm sayin'? Go outside.
Go on.
Go film the aesthecs.
Out film Yeah, good.
(Footsteps) You ain't see ***.
Don't say nothin'.
Turn it off.
Junior.
Get out.
Don't you leave here without paying me.
Nope.
Here we go.
And what'd I tell you about smoking in the house? I'm not smokin'.
Okay, all right.
All right, momma.
Bye.
(Whispers) Outside! Y'all notice something interesting? The first thing my momma said when I told her that I was gonna be a life coach, she said, "people don't change.
" Okay? Y'all saw me take $20 out of her purse, huh? You saw me give it back to her.
Two months ago ***, ***, two weeks ago, that would've been very different.
Matter of fact, I wouldn't have gave it back.
She'd a been *** the *** out.
Okay? Case in point, people do change.
I'm living proof.
Y'all get that? (School bell rings) Hey, partner, thought you quit *** you! Okay.
What do we got here? Break in the child *** ring.
Fifth grader inside, Donny lonovan.
Little perv was caught looking at this and rubbing his *** on the tetherball pole.
Wouldn't tell us where he got it.
Yeah? (Crumpling paper) Well, he will.
Lt.
Ducca: United states police department! Lt.
***: Uspd! This is real.
Put your pencils down! Do not move.
It is on, pal! Tell me that isn't janitor Carl Lopez going (Grunting noises) On Ms.
hodgkins from third grade.
(Stuttering) I found it on the ground! Oh! He found it on the ground! (Lt.
Ducca chuckles) The ground was where he found it.
Okay.
Wrong answer! That is the wrong answer! (Farting) Oh, my God! God's got nothing to do with what just came out of my boo-boo.
Got some mud ghosts, and my butt is haunted.
Now, you're going to tell me where you got this.
(Stuttering) I can't! Okay, you don't want any part of the stink I got hidin' in this front ***, kid.
Okay, okay! I'll talk.
(Farting) Ugh! Burrito! Oh.
You will say it.
I'm sorry.
I thought you weren't going to tell us.
Okay.
(Farting) Ugh! That one's a freebie.
Lt.
***: Perv.
Taxpayers didn't pay for a cent of that.
(Muffled chattering) Looks like the cleaning lady had the month off.
(Chuckles) That's funny.
You want to come see my sketch show? No.
Bingo.
We are dealing with one sick puppy, detective ***.
(Door slams) Oh, farts! Ow! Doesn't this kid know how to play catch? Hey, can I use that in my sketch show? No.
All right, sweetie, we're going to make this nice and simple.
Just admit that you've been producing and selling child ***.
I don't speak pig Latin, ig-pay.
Wrong answer! Get him up there! Hold him down! You think *** are funny? Huh? Boy: No.
You think storing milk is funny? Boy: No.
What kind of person are you, huh? (Grunts) You think milking *** are funny? Huh? Boy: No! You think ladies' pee-pees are funny? Boy: No! Ow! Guess what? Ladies don't pee out their butt.
Ladies don't pee out their butts! Boy: All right, all right! All right, I drew those things and I sold them to the kids at the playground for a little extra tamagotchi money.
So what? I mean, even if I do get charged I ain't gonna do any time! I'm a minor.
Oh, yeah? (Ripping noise) Ah! Why don't you tell that to the judge? Get him out of here! Come on.
Boy: I don't even have *** hair! What the This isn't no! This is not my moustache! Another scumbag off the streets.
Yup.
Wanna ***? What? Huh? You want to come see my sketch show? No.
Can't believe this ***.
Make me want to cut a ***.
(Toilet flushing) Ooh, I wanna slice somebody! You gonna tell somebody it's a "rap party," vite a *** rapper, you know what I'm sayin'? This ain't a rap party.
Actually, it is a wrap party but, you know, like, for a movie The end is also a wrap party.
Where the *** are the movie stars? Paul rudd is here.
Who the *** is Paul rudd? Paul rudd.
I don't know no *** Paul rudd! Uh, the guy from clueless? Oh! Who was he in clueless? The brother, he ends up with Alicia silverstone Oh! I like him! Where he at? Narrator: And now, presenting the world premiere of a motion picture produced especially for funny or die, the movie of the week.
Tonight's movie, paco dances.
(Club music playing) Honey, we have I told you it was a good idea to put paco on YouTube.
Wow! Our little paco is famous, isn't he? We should really think about taking a trip to Hollywood, meet some agent manager types, just like on entourage.
I don't know, Terry, we're not really the Hollywood types.
Yeah, I know.
But maybe paco is.
What do you think about that, paco? Paco, paco.
(Indy rock song playing) We just want what's best for paco.
All you gotta do is take a look at our client roster, and you will see that we represent almost 90% of the animal talent working in the industry today.
What do you think, paco? Paco, paco.
(All laughing) That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life! He's one heck of a bird.
Is it cool if I get a few minutes alone with paco here, have a little manager-client powwow? Absolutely.
We'll be in the lobby.
Thank you so much.
And anything you want, tell my assistant.
Hope you like money! (Sighs) Paco, I'm going to level with you right now.
You gotta ditch those two *** losers, all right? Because they are nothing but *** dead weight dragging you down.
Now, do you want to be nothing? Or do you want to be something times amazing? Huh? What do you say, paco? (Crying) It's okay.
I hope you know what you're doing, paco.
(Car honking) Let's *** go, bro! Ditch those losers, already! (Camera clicking) So, in bird of pray, you play a con-artist disguised as a priest to escape gambling debts.
How did you prepare for this role? Paco, paco.
(Laughing) Oh, my goodness.
Thank you.
You're making me blush.
This is so embarrassing.
(Giggling) And the award for best lead actor in a mini-series or movie goes to paco! Hbo's escape from Auschwitz! (Audience applauding) Announcer: This is paco's Paco, paco, paco Third nomination and first win.
(Sobbing) Paco, paco.
Hey, you're really cute.
Do you have any coke? (Sniffs) (Laughing) A diver one.
Whoa! What the *** do you think you're doing in here? Just gotta take a ***, man.
What? What the *** did you just say to me? (Squawks) Hey, paco! Hitchcock this ***! (Squawking) No! My eye! He's got my *** eye! (Laughing) (Yelling) God! My *** eye! (Yelling) (Electronic music playing) (Indistinct chattering) Yeah, suck that bird ***, baby.
Two on one, two on one.
(Sniffs) (Moans) Oh, bad bird.
You bad, bad bird.
(Moans) (Signal flare playing) (Dialing) (Phone ringing) (Sighs) Hello? Paco, is that you? (Dialing numbers) We aren't mad at you, buddy, just come home.
Paco, say something.
(Dial tone sounds) (Sobbing) (Crying) I thought she could handle it, man.
I guess I pushed her too far.
I thought she could handle this ***! Paco, paco.
You're right.
You're right, we gotta bury her.
Sorry.
(Sobbing) Sorry.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! (Grunting) (Squawks) Shut the *** up! (Squawks) Look, this right here is going to be our little secret, man.
Right? We're bonded now! We're brothers! It's just you and me.
Paco, paco.
Let's go put this *** in the ground.
I *** up.
But I'm a good person.
(Club music playing) I hate that *** song! (Screeches) Ah! What the ***? What the *** are you doing? Are you *** nuts? Ah! You *** I have seen things things I just choose not to talk about things that only seem to frighten and offend most everybody things that only welcome to my study Hello and welcome to my study.
My name is Mitchell.
You're always welcome to enjoy the thin that I've found.
I'm lonely, and I collect things.
Well, let's see what I've found inside my study drawers.
It's a mitten.
Brr, it's cold outside, put your mittens on, put them on your hands.
Put them on So what else is inside my study drawers? It's bolts.
You can't bolt me down, I'm a man.
So what else is inside my study drawers? It's a few peppermints.
If God could grant me one wish it would be to spend more time with you.
I have seen things things I just choose not to talk about things that only seem to frighten and offend most everybody welcome to my study Hey, that was fun.
We made some ***, you watche some *** Mmm.
Fun ***.
