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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, for another thoughtful rummage through the great laundry basket of life.
Who knows what mismatched and shrunken oddities we will happen upon tonight? Delving alongside me this evening are: Alan Davies Rich Hall Sean Lock and Jeremy Clarkson.
Now, tonight's questions are completely barking, so we have buzzers to match.
Sean goes: [presses buzzer, which barks] And Jeremy goes: [presses buzzer, which growls] Rich goes: [presses buzzer, which howls] And Alan goes: [presses buzzer, which yips] Aww! And we start tonight with Alan's favourite subject, actually, which is the Ancient Greeks.
[rolls his eyes] Oh, for-- Now, the Greeks joined up the dots of the night sky into vast, imaginary figures rather like this: Viewscreens: Picture of a constellation, over which the lines of Libra are drawn.
In tonight's constellation competition, panel-- [at viewscreens] That that is No at no point does it resemble the scales in any way! So there we have the famous constellation Libra, one of the zodiac constellations, as I'm sure you know.
Your challenge, team, is to make a constellation.
Picture of four constellations with a panellist's name written over each.
And you have to join them together, using your skill and judgment, throughout the joyous half hour that lies before us like a desert stretching into infinity.
You have a silver pen-- [raises his hand] My pen's run out.
[deadpan] My goodness me, the nation's going to be on tenterhooks.
Well, so, Jeremy.
How long would it take you to drive to outer space? Outer space? Yes, outer space.
What is officially outer space.
That's er 23 minutes.
I can believe that, actually.
Is outer space "outer" as in from Earth, or is it from the sun? No, from-- It's just from us, and it's just above where I am.
Is it? If you're tall, I'm nearly at the edge.
And it's 600 miles.
It's actually-- To the top of the ionosphere.
And that's widely considered to be the start of space, but whether that's considered to be "outer space", I don't know.
Are you counting that as outer space? No, outer space begins, according to the Fdration Internationale D'espace, or something-- Who are French.
Yes it's actually only 62 miles to outer space.
No, it isn't.
Straight up.
[shaking head] No, it isn't.
Oh, okay.
Wouldn't it depend on the traffic? Yeah.
--is what you're saying is outer space? Did you know there was a man called Joe Kittenger who once jumped out of a hot air balloon at that height in 1961? Oh, "Dead" Joe Kittenger.
Can I just flag up one small thing Mm.
Go on.
There isn't actually any sort of road system No, there [laughs].
Well, I've often wondered Why could you not, if it's only 62 miles to what people call space Why can't you just build a ladder? I mean, it can't be beyond the wit of man to build a ladder that just goes straight up, and you could walk up it; save a lot of bother.
Well, yes.
Oxygen pack necessary, but yes.
Yeah Well, you've got an oxygen mask.
Maybe a lift.
A lift would be good.
Why couldn't you do that? Once you get up there, there's nothing really there, is there? Not much.
It'll be like Norfolk.
Now! [pointing an accusing finger at Sean] You just be careful.
I'll guarantee you, though, if someone in Britain asked for directions to outer space, it wouldn't be any different to asking directions to, like, the M1.
They'll only listen to the first thing you say.
Yes! You know? They'll say, "How do I get to the M1?" And you can say, "Uh, go over that, uh, that, uh, roundabout, and then, uh, the wizard'll meet ya " And the person will go, "Do I go over the roundabout, or ?" There's a rule with asking directions, though, which men tend not to do, I think, as much as women, but if the person you ask says "Erm ", drive on.
But you might have parked on their foot.
They wouldn't go "erm"! [painfully] "Ahhhhhmmmm " Or they or they say, "Do you want the easy way to get there?" [reels] No.
No.
I want to be tortured and left for dead on the side of the road.
I was in Canada once, and I'm asking directions I was trying to this friend's farm, and I stopped this farmer, and he and he says, uh, "You go down the road about three miles, and then you'll see a big, dead possum in the middle of the road.
And go left there.
" "How do you know the dead possum'll be there?" And he said, "Would you pick up a dead possum?" Very good! I was getting directions once on the phone, and I was actually writing them down, and I realized, after about a minute, I'd stopped listening and started drawing a great big elephant.
Big *** on it And someone said we were actually driving along they said, "Where's that--" I said, "Well, you go down the left whooo " If you ask a lady for directions, she'll ask you a question back.
So if you say, "Do you know where the post office is?", she'll say, "Do you want to buy a stamp?" Sweet! And you'll find you're having a nice chat, and everyone's friends-- Yeah.
--but you've no idea where the post office is! So, there you are.
Erm, if you could drive straight upwards, then it would take under an hour if you were going about 60-odd miles an hour.
Outer space is defined as anywhere outside a planet's atmosphere.
According to the Federation Aronautique International, this is 62 miles above the surface of the earth.
To illustrate you just how thin the atmosphere is, have a look at this.
Viewscreens: Picture of two representations of the earth, one featuring a blue sphere of all its water, and one featuring a white sphere of all its atmosphere.
On the left, what you see is all the water on Earth squeezed into a ball.
And on the right, a slightly larger ball, there's all the atmosphere squeezed in.
Shows how how thin it all is.
I like the water.
I quite like that.
Yeah.
There's something very pleasing about it.
It was done by a man called Adam Nieman, who won the concept section of the 2003 "Visions of Space" competition.
Is that the water squashed up a bit? That's all the seas and all the lakes? Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
1.
41 billion cubic kilometers.
Anyway, there you are.
Alan.
One of the constellations in the sky, which I'm sure you've heard, is Canis Major, Latin for the bigger The biggest the biggest can.
dog.
The biggest dog.
Dog.
The dog.
Erm, what is, on the other hand, the smallest dog in the world? Oh, there's one there's one that's been lost, er, near where I live.
It says, on the on the lamppost, it was lost at Tesco's; it said it's quite small, a Yorkshire Terrier, and it looks like a puppy, but it's old.
And its tongue's always sticking out.
Well, you certainly get two points, because probably, Yorkshire Terrier is the right answer.
We'd hoped you might say Chihuahua.
Certainly the smallest dog ever recorded was a Yorkshire Terrier.
Viewscreens: Four pictures of a tiny Yorkshire Terrier.
Tiny little dog.
Tiny little thing.
Look at that.
That's how small they are.
This one was, er, a Yorkshire Terrier which, erm, died in 1945, and it was 2 1/2 inches high and 3 3/4 inches long, weighed four ounces, and would fit in this box.
[takes out a tiny wooden box from under the desk] Or between two pieces of bread.
Did you just say "or between two pieces of bread"?! Yeah! [puts on only slightly apologetic expression] Now, from "Chihuahuas", which we didn't mention, really, because you avoided that trap, to "cheese".
Cheese can be made from the milk of cows, sheep, goats, horses, reindeer, llamas, yaks, water buffalo, camels, zebras.
But, Sean, would you eat Chihuahua cheese? [shrugs gamely] Yeah! And I'd follow it up with some, dunno, spaniel pt.
Lovely.
.
.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would.
Yeah.
Quite right.
Yes.
It is a very popular Mexican cheese.
Erm, from the province of Chihuahua, but not made from a Chihuahua dog.
Is it a state or a province? [pauses to read through a notecard] It's a state.
It's a state! Mm.
Viewscreens: Picture of a map of Mexico, with the state of Chihuahua circled in red.
That thing's a state.
There it is.
I should get a point for that.
Come on.
You should get a point, definitely.
[to Stephen] I don't know how you could make a mistake like that, Stephen.
[almost mumbling] Oh, I'm ashamed of myself.
Bitterly, bitterly ashamed.
[with accompanying self-flaggelation gestures] You'll be beating yourself tonight, won't you? I will, any excuse yeah, erm It's, er [raises arms, as with bound wrists, above his head] "Mellors! Winch me up! I'm doing the full 24! Level 6!" [suddenly reassuring] I wouldn't feel bad about that.
No, I don't.
I don't.
I really don't.
Couldn't give a toss, as a matter of fact, erm But no, Chihuahua's an interesting place.
It's where the Apaches used to live.
Geronimo used to do raiding parties into the United States from there.
[to Alan] I believe you do, er, a Mexican accent.
Alan.
S¡.
Yup! Good isn't it? Yes, it's very nice cheese, actually; it's from Mexico; it's made from the lactic secretions of the Bos taurus-- Queso! Stephen.
"Queso"! Queso aristado is what it's actually called.
"Roasting cheese.
" S¡.
[brings out a shark's tooth mounted on red backing] So, the old shark's tooth is very sharp, but I also have here some flint, which is even sharper.
[places a piece of flint in front of the shark's tooth] What This is your question.
What is flint made of? Sharks' teeth.
N-no.
Fluff and lint.
[laughs and applauds] Compressed! Do you know, in a weird kind of way, it isn't that far off.
Animal matter? Ultimately, it is.
It's it's made of quartz, but quartz itself comes from the silicate that was laid down millions of years ago by which animals? They are animals, and they used to be thought of as plants.
Coral.
Crabs! Anemones.
Something you might find in your bathroom.
***.
Crabs! Erm A sponge! Sponge.
"Sponge" is what we're looking for.
Millions and millions of sponges.
20% of the earth's crust is quartz, and it's made from sponges.
I have a sponge--[takes out sponge from under desk]--in case you wanted to see what one looked like.
[places sponge alongside shark's tooth and flint] [welcomingly] Hellooo! It is not a living sponge [to sponge] Have you been offered a drink, or anything? Sponges really are quite interesting.
If you sieve a sponge, and you separate it, like that, and it goes out, all disintegrated, it will reintegrate itself.
But even more extraordinary-- Like Terminator 2! --you take you take five different sponges--different species of sponge--put them all in the same liquidizer, blitz them all up, pour the resulting smoothie that you get into, erm, salt water, and in time, they will separate themselves out into their original species, and you will get the sponges back again.
Miraculous things.
Isn't that clever? It doesn't work with Chihuahuas.
I tried.
Very unfortunate.
Right, so, yes, flint.
One of the range of rocks which are collectively known as "chert", er, the others being agate, jasper, and chalcedony.
Now, let's have another question.
Who was the only survivor of the Crimean War? When did it officially end, then? That's what you have to find out.
Sebastopol, and Balaclava, and the Charge of the Light Brigade it's that war, yes.
And we got their cannons and made the V.
C.
out of them.
It was around the time the cannon was being invented; it was around the 1850s, 1854.
Erm, but, in those days, when Britain went to war, because of a very peculiar law, there was one part of Britain that was exempt from being called either England or Scotland-- Berwick.
Berwick-upon-Tweed.
Yes.
You're absolutely right.
Berwick-upon-Tweed was given the special status as being of the United Kingdom, but not in it.
So when the British went to war with Russia, it was "Victoria, Queen of Britain, Ireland, Berwick-upon-Tweed, and the British Dominions beyond the Sea" was in the phraseology of the declaration of war.
But in 1856, they didn't mention Berwick-upon-Tweed in the in the peace treaty, so it was still technically at war-- [makes a sound of supreme exasperation] --until 1966, when the Mayor of Berwick-on-Tweed actually signed a treaty with Russia, saying, [light Scottish accent] "Now, at last, you can tell the Russian people they may sleep easily in their beds.
" I thought Berwick still was separate.
Isn't it? They're in England, but they play in the Scottish league.
Is that right? Excellent! So, there we have it.
There's a war that went from 1854 to 1966.
A creature that had been on a ship at Sebastopol-- A rat.
--in the war, was still alive when the war ended.
It was the only thing-- Tortoise.
"A tortoise" is absolutely right.
It was a naval tortoise called Timothy the Tortoise.
Viewscreens: Video of a tortoise crawling along the ground.
Isn't he just the one that just died? [pointing at viewscreen] No, there he is; he's fine.
Erm He carried on living until 2004.
Survivor of the Crimean War.
He was ship's mascot of the HMS Queen during the first bombardment of Sebastopol.
Did he actually fight in the war? No-- [mimes throwing a tortoise over his head] --but he'd survived the war, and was in it, involved in major naval engagements-- [pretends to be smacked in the face] --the fighting tortoise-- He would crawl back to your line then you chuck him again! [repeats the sequence of throwing and being hit in the face, then mimes crawling back slowly] The glorious fighting tortoises in the village army.
I hope they didn't use him to send messages.
That's why it took so long to end the war! "The enemy is coming!" [rolls head slowly to imitate the speed of delivery] Did he deliver the peace treaty? "It's on its way " My nephew's got one, and it attacks you.
It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet? Little ears down [mimes stuffing a rabbit's head into a tiny helmet].
Gentlemen erm, stand by to repel boredom, because it's General Ignorance time.
Erm, Alan.
Huh? I believe you've got something inside your desk.
Have I? Yeah, have you not looked? [opens desk] [titters] So like a schoolboy.
[takes out a luffa] There.
So.
What is that? It's a luffa.
And where do luffas come from? The bathroom.
And originally? From they're they're in the sea.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Forfeit: Klaxons sound.
Viewscreens flash the words "THE SEA".
No.
You knew that, did you, Sean? Yeah.
Where're they from? You grow them.
They're little seeds.
That's right.
They're plants.
I got the worst Christmas present ever ever, in my life.
My sister gave me a "Grow Your Own Luffa" kit.
God bless her! It was a clay pot, a bag of earth, and five seeds.
And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.
There you are.
It is surprising.
Most people, including myself, this morning, until I saw this question, I have to say, believed that luffas came from the sea.
Didn't you think that luffas came from the sea? I would have said, "Not my vegetable garden.
" No.
They grow in Asia and Africa and they are quite prized.
They they can be sliced and diced popped into curries and soups and things like that and-- No way.
Not after they've been rubbing your nanna's back, though.
Viewscreens: Picture of luffas growing on a tree.
Well, they're a kind of gourd.
Yeah.
There they are.
Look.
Hanging.
[playing with Alan's luffa] And what do you do with it? You hit your twin on the head in the wacky races.
[hits himself lightly on the head with the luffa] Oww! But if you're a nun Oh, no, don't go there! What? [appealing to the audience] I didn't say anything! Oh, please ! It's obviously a reason that in Victorian bathrooms, they had articles like that.
[points his luffa at Sean lengthwise] It's a huge excuse for *** jollities, isn't it? "Oh, no, I use it for my back!" [looks at Sean dubiously] It would feel like you know, like, sometimes, if you sit on your hand, and it feels like someone else is doing it? [bats his hand back and forth] It would feel like someone with a stump was playing with it.
[laughs uneasily into his hand] Mummy, make the nasty man go away! Very odd [hits at his gentleman's area with the luffa] No! Yeah! It works, doesn't it? [with hand outstretched] Give me that luffa.
[starts to hand it over] It's going-- Now you want it.
Yes.
That's going into the art cupboard, and you're going into the naughty corner if you're not careful.
It's going into your *** tin, isn't it? You are very bad children indeed! Right.
[clears throat] Let's come up for air now, erm What colour was the Model-T Ford? [presses buzzer, which baas] [in an undertone] Don't say don't say don't say [looking at Jeremy] Black? [sighs deeply] Oh! Forfeit: Klaxons sound.
Viewscreens flash the word "BLACK".
Bless you.
My little puppy runs into the wall-- "You can have any color except as long as it's black.
" Oh, you've said that, even! Even that phrase! Forfeit: Klaxons sound.
Viewscreens flash the phrase "ANY COLOR SO LONG AS IT'S BLACK".
[winces on Alan's behalf] "History is bunk!" Have you got that as well? Yeah, he did he did actually say that, I think.
He said, "History is more or less bunk.
" Oh.
[makes an "oh, well" expression] Erm He was a Nazi.
He was a horrific anti-Semite.
Phenomon- He was a grotesque man.
There is nothing nice whatever to say about Henry Ford.
No, nothing.
Yeah.
Hitler only read two books, didn't he, when he was in prison? Yeah.
One of them was Henry Ford's.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Horrible, horrible man.
Really.
[to Alan] Anyway, it wasn't black.
No, the first year of Ford Model-T Fords, you couldn't get a black one.
You could get them in grey, red, or Brewster green.
Unless they were made in Manchester.
In which case, they were all blue.
Is that right? [extremely proud] Yes.
Oh, I like that.
That's good.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Yeah, the Manchester ones, I'm fairly certain, were blue ones.
Mm.
When did they start making the Manchester ones? Quite a bit later.
Oh, really? That's good.
Between 1908 and 1927, they made 15,485,000 Model-T Fords, and during that time, the price fell from $825 to $260.
How extraordinary.
Have you ever driven one? I never have.
It's the hardest thing in the world.
Four pedals, isn't it? It's it's this business.
[rubs his stomach while patting his head] It's just so hard.
You have to put your foot on the clutch-- [gesturing at Stephen's desk] Pass the luffa! It has two speeds: "quite fast", or "really very fast indeed".
And there's nothing you can do to slow it down-- No brake pedals? --other than hit a tree.
And there were no roads in America! Only about a 190 miles of road when that thing came out.
There we are.
That's the Model-T Ford.
In fact, in the first year of production, black wasn't even an option.
After 1913, they they were all black-- [raises eyebrows and nods smugly at the audience] --but there's no evidence that Ford actually ever said, "Any color you like so long as it's black.
" And now, listen.
Have you ever been on-board a plane full of SOBs? It is actually an acronym.
It's all acronyms in air air travel.
Yeah, it is, isn't it.
Do you know what an SOB is? I would say "seats on board", except that-- Ooh, very close.
It's not "seats" --that would be wrong, because why would you say "seats on board"? Where else would the seats be? Well, quite.
Exactly.
Is it Sikhs? What what would you-- "Sikhs on board"! Sikhs on board.
Sikhs.
In naval parlance, erm, it's the phrase used to describe all people on board a ship.
It is the number of whats on board? Sailors.
Souls.
[pointing at Jeremy] Souls on board.
Souls.
"Souls on board" is what it stands for.
Did you know a veal is all- has to have more space to be transported to the abbatoir than a than a human being in the back of an aeroplane? Yeah, but to be fair, we have a holiday; they get killed.
Could be coming back! Yeah.
Have we got a vegetablist? What, him? Yeah.
No, I'm a vegetablist.
He's a vegetablist.
You're a vegetablist.
I wouldn't eat a veal.
I'd free it.
[makes wild expression] I had a puffin last week.
That's not delicious, but the point of eating it was 'cause I'd never had one before.
[nodding] Ah, I had the same with with guinea pig-- Have you tried one of my turds? No.
Did you just say what I thought you said? [wears innocent expression] Get out.
Out, now! There was a man came when I had some whale [touches Alan's arm comfortingly] You don't want to listen to this.
But I had some whale, and he said, "Would you like me to grate some puffin on that?" [snorts with laughter] How do you say no ? [to Alan] You would I You can't say, "No, really--[waves hand dismissively].
" I said, [vehemently] "Yes, go for it! Grate some puffin on that!" I was in Australia once, and there was A very common bird in Australia is the Galah.
And it's a pink, kind-of parrot-looking thing.
And then we met this bloke that says, [exaggerated Australian accent] "You wanna know how to cook a Galah?" I said, "Go on, then.
" He said, "Start a fire chuck a couple of rocks in it chuck a Galah in When the rocks go soft, you can eat the Galah!" Do you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale? With grated puffin.
With grated puffin was a seal flipper.
[makes pained expression] And it looked exactly like a Marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste.
And it sat, and you thought, "Ooh " And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.
[flicks his tongue outward] Oh [grabs his pen and uncaps it] Where where is this restaurant? It's called-- I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly"! It's my fantasy.
If you said, "Imagine licking a hot Turkish urinal" It tasted exactly Exactly! Even those strange purple cubes they have in those.
Is it nice, whale? Just out of interest.
I've I've heard it's very nice.
It's exactly like steak, but with a slightly iron-y texture to it.
Have you ever been on "Ready Steady Cook"? No.
You could have a really good carrier bag, couldn't you? Yeah! [laughs uproariously; mimes holding a carrier bag full of whale] "There you are!" [mimes slapping a huge piece of whale on the counter] And some grasshoppers! [mimes shaking grasshopers onto the desk] Speaking of S.
O.
B.
s, why was the Gatso Camera invented? Any thoughts? Does it see souls? No.
Souls floating, like, when people have been run over on the road, going, "You're going too fast!" To provide the government with hundreds of millions of pounds.
Ah.
Forfeit: Klaxons sound.
Viewscreens flash the phrase "TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE GOVERNMENT".
No, that wasn't why it was invented.
It may be how it's used now, but do you know why it was invented? Gatsonides; Dutchman; rally driver.
He was, and why did he invent it? It was something to do with rallying.
It was.
The actual purpose of it was--Maurice, his name was--was to find a way of getting cars to go faster around corners, so he needed to monitor the speeds he was going in order to work it out.
So.
Ironic, isn't it? There's a marvellous new club in Holland called the Tuf Tuf Club that goes around destroying them.
Oh, really? And you get, sort of, awards and points, Internet points and prizes if you can think of the most imaginative way, and my favourite one was there's a little, tiny hole in the back of them, and if you put some of that builders' foam in, that insulating foam-- [gasps] Oh, yeah And it just goes--[makes straining noises, miming a box coming apart]--and it just bursts and then sets in a rather ugly, Dr Who-y special effect which is quite good.
You know what happened in France, with clamps? They lasted about two weeks.
The French just went around putting superglue in the locks.
Everyone, people who it wasn't their car, just every Frenchman just decided, as one man, to say non to the clamp.
If you could glue one person's mouth up, who would it be? I would do it to a ventriloquist.
Then he'd really have to work, wouldn't he? He would.
See how good they really were.
Do it to his dummy, and then he just goes--[makes muffled noises, using hand to represent a dummy with closed mouth].
Let's have another question.
What did Samuel Pepys bury in his garden to save it from the great fire of London? Blimey.
Something flammable, it must have been.
Something papery [strained] not his diaries ! Forfeit: Klaxons sound.
Viewscreens flash the word "DIARY".
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
I knew that was going to happen No, it brings us, sort of, almost circularly around.
What's our letter of the, er, series? "C.
" So it's gotta begin with "C".
Cardboard.
***.
[pointing offhand at Jeremy] His ***.
Coffee can.
[with slicing gesture] He cut his *** off; buried it.
No, not "***" either.
His cockerel.
Nor his cockerel.
Castanet.
Cheese! [points excitedly] "Cheese" is the right answer! Well done.
Take several points.
Very good.
He did.
It was more "dairy" than "diary", you might say, yes.
He he he It was a piece of-- [to audience] Thank you! Thank you! They've got standards, these people! They have, haven't they! Erm It was a piece of parmesan, as a matter of fact.
Why? Well, because it was very valuable, very expensive, come all the way from Italy, in those days.
He didn't go and help anyone No, well, he wrote about-- He didn't muck in He went, "***, the cheese!" This was supposed to be a great man! He was a great diarist.
He never claimed to be a more morally superior man than anyone else.
He watched the fire, erm, from across the river; he was on the other side.
I can see him with his neighbors.
[falsetto voice] "Mr Pepys! Mr Pepys! Help!" [mimes being on fire and trying to put himself out] [mouths, as Pepys] "*** off!" [frantically mimes digging] [stands up and mimes carrying out a huge block of cheese] Huge parmesan "Don't run back into that burning building!" "My grater's in there!" [with hands cupped around his mouth] "Save the pesto!" Oh, poor Pepy.
This brings us, I think, er, to our "judge the constellation time".
So, Rich, what've you got for us? I have, um [shows constellation card] George Foreman delivering a powerful right-hand to a parakeet.
And the actual constellation was Viewscreens: Picture of the constellation, over which the outline of Taurus is drawn.
Taurus the bull.
Taurus the bull! Let's see what Sean's gone for.
[shows constellation card] Just saw a train [laughs] It's very good! That is connecting all the dots, is it? Well, there's a couple of dots there at the front-- Oh, yeah.
--and all the other dots are the smoke.
Suggests movement through space.
I like it! Let's see what the ancients indeed did call that particular constellation.
Viewscreens: Picture of the constellation, over which the outline of Ares is drawn.
There we are.
It's some sort of goat.
It's a goat waiting to be ***.
Erm It's the provocative goat.
Quite clearly a Greek goat! They Greeks, erm as we know, erm [with crossed arms] That is a goat looking under the sofa.
Aww.
[rolls eyes] For the remote control.
Very good.
So that would be, erm-- Capricorn.
Capricorn, I guess.
[pumps arms] Yes!! In fact, it was Ares.
So [turns away from Sean] ***!! Jeremy! [shows constellation card, turning it lengthwise] If you turn it like that-- Oh, my God It becomes like an old woman.
Look.
[traces outline of the woman's face] It looks like Toyah Wilcox.
That is an old woman.
And the ancients called it Viewscreens: Picture of the constellation, over which the outline of Sagittarius is drawn.
Sagittarius! They put on the head and the front legs.
Just added in.
It's not bad, though.
You can see the bow.
You can see the bow and arrow a bit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, Alan.
What have you done? [shows constellation card] It's a smiley face with eyebrows.
You like that one, don't you? It's very nice.
And the Greeks themselves came up with this for that particular one.
Viewscreens: Picture of the constellation, over which the outline of Cancer is drawn.
There we are! [looks around in disbelief] Can I just ask one question? Is maybe in the Greek times, they did actually look like that, and over the years, pollution and everything, all right, they disappeared.
And it did actually used to look like a big crab in the sky, but now it's just a couple of little dots.
You're a loss to the Royal Observatory of Greenwich, Sean, I have to say.
[puts on smug face] That kind of racing, independent thinking is just what we need to drive us further into the 21st century.
Okay, time to look at the final scores! And it's all pretty close, actually, in a kind of way.
Our proud winner is Jeremy, with five points! [points at himself] Is that a winner? Yeah! [curls inwardly in glee] I'm so thrilled! That's a very good QI score.
In second place, with three points, Sean Lock! [nodding deeply] Thank you.
Thank you.
In third place, with two points, Rich Hall! Alan Alan-y, Alan-y, Alan-y, I'm afraid in fourth place, but triumphant, with minus eighteen! Beautifully done.
Well, that is it from QI for another week.
My thanks to Rich, Sean, Jeremy, and Alan.
I'll leave you with the final words of the Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa, who was gunned down in 1923.
[Spanish accent] "Don't let it end like this," he said, as he died.
"Tell them I said something.
" I know just how he felt.
Good night.
