Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 S2E1 - English Transcript

When I moved to Manhattan from Indiana a few months ago, I thought of it as the next step in my life plan. I had no idea that I was gonna move in with a girl that I met on Craigslist who was basically, well, crazy, in a great way, and sometimes a not-so-great way. It's been hard and fun and hard, but what's made it easier has been the new friends I've made along the way, which is why it's so difficult to say good-bye to one of them right now. I can't believe we're at James Van Der Beek's funeral. James Van Der Beek's viking funeral in Central Park, June. Don't underdescribe the awesomeness. Just how illegal is this? About as illegal as that panda fat eye cream you use. You use panda on your face? Luther is 76 years old. Shut up ***. I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you she's a Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba hey, Chloe. Hey, June. Oh, hey, June, come here. Come sit by me. I need to tell you something. Come on. Good. Sit. Okay, come close. Your sweater looks like a pumpkin mated with a ***. I thought you were gonna give me a hug. Nope. No. It came! Ooh! Read it! Read it! "Dear, James, it's that time of the year "the anniversary of the series finale of 'Dawson's Creek. ' "can you believe it's been almost ten years "since it went off the air??? "We thought we'd write you again to see if you'd be interested "in doing a reunion show. "As always, we're in if you are. "Sincerely, Michelle, Katie, and Josh. " Holy wow! Oh, let me touch too bad it's never gonna happen. Wait, James. Why would you do that? They send me one of those every year. Listen, they can get nominated for all the oscars they want, you don't put the Beatles back together without John Lennon. And I'm Lennon and McCartney, ***. Yeah, you are! You are a king, James. King James. Like the Bible. Let's go out and celebrate how awesome you are. Absolutely. Anything you wanna do, you just name it. Bye. Charge less for your magazine. Hmm. Big-*** hat. Send in tall and skinnies. June, are you feeling okay? You're angrily decrumbing the muffin case. James won't do a "Dawson's Creek" reunion. I could ask that question a thousand times and still not believe that's your answer. The rest of the cast is in, but James won't even consider it. He likes saying no to them because it makes him feel like a big shot. You seem really upset about this. You know, growing up in Indiana, that show was a religion. My friends and I we were obsessed with it. Okay, I get it. Like "Moesha" was for me. I'm just kidding. I just said that because I'm black. I never watched "Moesha. " Celeste, Tori, Margaret, and I memorized every episode. Do you know how awesome it would be if I called them up and told them that James was doing a reunion show? It's been a while since I had some good news. I lost the job that I moved to New York for, I broke up with my fiance, and I'm pretty sure that my *** have decreased a cup size because of all the sadness. Why won't James do this for me? June, if it's that important to you, talk to him about it. When you get passionate about something, you're hard to stop. Remember your whole thing against yellow raisins? Albino abominations of nature! Hey. Hey. You convinced me, okay? I'm convinced. June, you got crazy eyes. I love it when the models fall. They're like giraffes collapsing in the jungle. Ooh! Good work, marbles. is the number of teenage girls who watched the finale of "Dawson's Creek. " I was one of them. And so was Celeste Margaret And Tori. Did these girls die in a drunk-driving accident or something? Is this a memorial/intervention/? Your show reflected what was going on in our lives. When Aaron Demayo broke up with me in seventh grade, I thought I was gonna die, and then I turned on the TV, and grams got the diagnosis. Cancer. She was really going to die. The way you dealt with that, your strength it gave me strength, and we got through it, together. Rack attack! Rack attack! Rack attack! Rack attack! Chloe, please, June is in the middle of a makeshift living room presentation. Those girls who watched you on TV They're now having daughters of their own. One woman Becomes two. Indian. Woman. Indian. Woman. It's the circle of life, James. Do you really want to break that circle? Oh, my God. This is so lame. It is lame Of me for putting this off for so long. What? I can't believe how selfish I've been. Crumpling up those letters every year just 'cause I can. This is bigger than me. I-I need to do a reunion for the fans. I'm king James, the lion king. June, what the hell? Why did you do that? Why do you care so much whether or not James has a reunion? Because the letters he gets from the cast are fake. I'm the one who's been writing them and sending them to him every year. Vindaloo. You've been writing fake letters every year? Yes. See? I even used the same pen to sign all three names. I spelled "Holmes" wrong. I should really try harder. Why would you do this? When James gets to turn down Katie, Michelle, and Josh every year, it makes him feel really powerful, and on that day, I can ask him for anything in the world, and he won't refuse me, just like don corleone on the day of his daughter's wedding in "the godfather. " There's nothing like tranq-ing a hot Austrian dude and hearing the body fall. Tranq sex it's consensual. You are so manipulative and selfish. Okay, that's true. I am. But I'm also doing this for James. He shouldn't relive the past by doing some stupid reunion show. There's no point in looking back. You have to move forward, like a shark or a tranq dart. Just because no one in the cast has initiated a reunion doesn't mean that it is not a good idea. I am going to make sure that it happens. Well, I am going to make sure that it doesn't. If we call Michelle first, then everyone else will get on board. But we can't call Josh last 'cause I'm pretty sure he's in love with me. I think you should call Katie first. I love her. I've gone as her for the past eight halloweens. No. June, what are you doing? Okay. Making sure Chloe doesn't do anything sneaky to try to stop you from making those phone calls. She's clever and subtle, like a cat. She'll lurk in the shadows and blend in with the background, and then once she's lured you in to a false sense of security, she'll quietly just No! My beef isn't with you, Luther. Thank you. Oh! That wasn't for anything. That was just for fun. You shot me in the ***. Chloe, what the hell?! Relax. It's just tranq darts. I loaded them with 12 turkeys' worth of tryptophan. She'll wake up in a few hours and feel like she had nine Thanksgiving dinners. What are those? - Make it stop. Make it stop. - baby Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay. Make it stop. It's okay. It's over. Wondered whatever became of me Is that the theme from "WKRP in Cincinnati"? James and I just spent the last six hours watching bad reunion shows "growing pains, "dynasty," "the facts of life go to Paris. " They were all wearing berets. - Even Tootie? - Especially Tootie. I can't do it, June. I can't do the reunion. What? No. James, Chloe has been faking the letters to me every year? Yeah, I know. She told me. She saved me from making the biggest mistake of my career. She cares enough to not let me tarnish my legacy by doing some terrible reunion show. That's it. I'm out. It's over. I'd like to talk to the liar in this room. Can the liar in this room please come to the door? Luther would like to talk to her. Chloe's right. It's better to leave the past in the past. I'm glad we're not doing a reunion show. Celeste, Tori, and Margaret would've freaked out if a reunion happened, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Well, if we were going to do a reunion show, I did have a couple ideas. It's probably better this way. I was bound to be disappointed unless I wasn't. Unless my mind was about to be blown. We could've used the platform to address some real issues, like global warming. What does Chloe know anyway? She doesn't even watch TV. She just punches it when she's drunk. Also everyone looked bad in those other reunion shows. Look at me. I look great. My hair is better, my body's better, my accent work is better. Everything's better. Everything's tighter. James? Were you just walking and thinking? Yeah. I think we should do a "Dawson" reunion. Just because it hasn't been done well before doesn't mean it can't be done well now. I-it took not wanting to do it, then wanting to do it, then not wanting to do it to really want it. I'm calling the cast. One woman becomes two. And soon they'll both want to make love to me. What's up, Celeste? Hey, it's June. I know it's been a while, and I got off Facebook because people kept tagging me in up-angle photos, but, um, I wanted to call you and tell you that I have some amazing news. That "Dawson's Creek" reunion that we always talked about? It's gonna happen. What? That show we used to watch? Celeste, you know that that is so Jen of you. Sorry, June, I'm just really busy. I'm the undersecretary of commerce. I have three beautiful children. I moved to Omaha, where I'm teaching theoretical physics. I'm in the middle of working on a bill amending the tax code for small business owners. taking Molly to tennis camp, teaching the twins to ride a bike, writing my dissertation on pulsars Are you still living in that fabulous apartment? Are you working on wall street? Did you and Steven set a date yet? Steven and I broke up, I lost my job and my apartment, and now I work at a coffee shop, and I live with a girl who I met on Craigslist who sells knockoff handbags from her bedroom window. I think that my *** are actually shrinking from the sadness. They're in. I just to Katie, Josh, and Michelle, and they all said they would love to do a "Dawson's Creek" reunion. What? James, I thought we agreed that's a bad idea. It's my agent. Donnie Jarvis. What's up, ***? What's up, *** breath? Damn it, James, you are a star. Do you know that? Do you know you are a star? So, uh, did Katie, Josh, and Michelle's deals close? Yeah, I just spoke with their agents, and they're so excited to do this. They're just not gonna do it. Wait. What do you mean, they're not gonna they said they were gonna do it. Now they're saying they're not gonna do it? No, they're not saying that. They will never say that. So they are gonna do it? Yeah, in the Hollywood way. W-what does that mean? They're not gonna do it. They're into it 100%. They're just not gonna do it. Did they say why? Yeah. I wrote it down. "They hate you. " Yeah. They hate you. Ask him if he can get us "book of mormon" tickets on the 20th, but not the matinee. Busy, hey. Thank you for meeting me. We have to make this quick. I don't want anyone to see me with you. I mean, do you know what the others would do if they found out? I mean, no one's gonna take me out to a nice fancy restaurant and order the cherries jubilee. It's not like they're gonna take me to Chippendales and look at some *** with me, if that's what you're thinking. Uh, yeah. Thanks for meeting me. What do you want, James? I don't understand what's going on. Why does everybody hate me? I thought we ended the show on such good terms. Seriously, you don't know? No. You shorted us for the end-of-the-show gift. What? You convinced the cast to buy rowboats for the entire crew because it was Creek-themed, and then you never paid your share. We were stuck with a bill for 145 boats, James. I was only on the stupid show for two seasons. I barely broke even. I had to sell my horse Cha-Cha. All right, that was a total oversight. I had no idea. Whatever my share was, I'd be happy to chip in now. No, no, no. It's too late for that, okay? There's no way you're ever going to repair those relationships. That ship has sailed, as it were. Yeah. I-I ordered you some food. I, uh, I don't really know what girls eat. Oh, sweetie, we don't. We don't eat. We just live in caves, having our periods, until it's time to have sex with the first guy who buys us a wine cooler and reminds us of our dad. Since it's here, I mean, mustard, maybe. Diet soda would be great. And a to-go box? All my friends are doing better than me. They all hate me. I thought they were in love with me. They don't want to relive the past. And why would they? They're doing great in the present. I thought for sure Josh was in love with me. My life was better ten years ago. My life was better ten years ago. Oh, my God. Are we at a blues bar in Chicago? Are we watching an old lady run for the bus? Are we listening to a cab driver talk about how he was a dentist back in Pakistan? Because you people are depressing the hell out of me. What do you want me to say, Chloe? I'm not the king anymore. See this? This is what I was trying to prevent, the reason I tell my friends not to look back. You have to walk away from the past in slow-motion as it explodes behind you like in a John woo movie. June, you just had to go and make that stupid Powerpoint presentation. Oh, this is my fault? Finally, you admit it. Now get to your room and put on something I don't hate. They're autumnal sweaters, and bite me. Are we done now? Can we move on from this? Yeah, we can move on To plan "b" Something better. Something bigger. I don't need those guys. It wasn't "pacey, Jen, and Joey's Creek. " Don't you see? Doing a reunion is right. It's right for us, it's right for the fans, and it's right for us. Plus, doing it this way would be completely unexpected. Nobody would see it coming. I don't understand. Are you shopping? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Love groceries. Anyway, "Malcolm in the middle" meets Dawson. Right? You do a special reunion episode of your show, and I'll be on it. I'll be in the middle with you. James, enough. You're talking nonsense. How'd you find me here? I downloaded "Grindr," that gay hook-up app, on your phone. I can track you at all times. James, come on. Let's go home. You're really upsetting Frankie. I'm not upsetting Frankie. You took my whipped cream. F-Frankie. Frankie. Frankie, you're not understanding, okay? This could be huge. It's gonna be amazing. I got my best guy working on the script as we speak. "Interior, white house, day. "President leery sits in the oval office. Malcolm in the middle approaches, wearing a "Tasteful pantsuit. "Dawson 'excellent work, Copresident Malcolm. ' "Malcolm 'thank you. '" you have done it again, Luther Vandross Wilson. All right, James, it was it was nice meeting you. I'm a fan, but, uh, I'm throwing a barbecue. I really need to get my groceries. That's perfect! W-we'll write the barbecue into the script! You're feeling neglected 'cause you you're in the middle. I'm feeling so many emotions, I'm bawling my eyes out. Hot tears, great food Oh. Nice shot. It's my grocery list. It's probably worth something. Oh. Hi, James. How you feeling? Mark-Paul Gosselaar? What are you doing here? I called him. Ta-da! I love you. When I was 10, I had a Shih Tzu, and I named it dog-Paul Gosselaar. So did I. Chloe told me about your reunion episode. That's why I'm here to tell you, you need to move on. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You don't you don't understand. Don't I? You think I haven't cornered Frankie Muniz before? I accosted him at a zoo. You smell amazing. Why are those hippos always sleeping? Have you read my book, amigo? It's all about finding the now. You see I had to call a time-out on my own self. Bummed around solvang for a while in a pedal car. Really got into Dutch candy. Well, it's all in the book. See, you and I both became famous early on for an iconic role, but we can't let that role define us. That's why I signed it specially for you. "Best. Mark-Paul. " Ta-da! Dawson leery is talking to Zack Morris. I am so into this. I hope they kiss. Have the best years in front of you. Why am I so into this? I am a grown woman. I am not a teenager. Why? Why can't I just move on like the rest of my friends? Oh, my God. Screw your friends. That stay-at-home? Guess what. Her kids grow up and move out. The undersecretary of commerce or whatever? She gets replaced by the next administration. And the third one? I don't remember what you said she did, so let's just say she gets hit by a bus. The point is, their stories are already written. You are sitting at a fame intervention next to a hot-*** ho packing a tranq gun. Dude, your story is just starting. Thanks. You have a great body That means a lot to me. Shut up. You need to get rid of everything from your Dawson days. It's keeping you from moving forward. I sold my bayside Letterman jacket. That's how I bought my horse Cha-Cha. Oh, God. I love her so much. You're right. I-I didn't even realize it u-until this happened how much time and energy I spent focused on that part of my life. I need to purge the past. You'll be amazed at all the good things that start to happen. Cele-bro hug? Why are you saying that? That's the title of chapter seven. Where did you hear that? I don't know. I just made it up. My ghostwriter, Vivian Dante, made that up. She also runs my Twitter account on Sundays when I ride Cha-Cha. I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over I want to know right now what it will be Thanks for coming to my funeral. Of course, James. We wouldn't miss it. Say the word, and I'll sing. Thank you for helping me move forward. And don't worry about your "godfather" day. I'll be sure to find other ways for you to manipulate me out of my money. Mm! I hope so, friend. I'm sorry there's no reunion. Oh, that's okay. I don't need one anymore. Aah! Aah! What the hell was that? Oh, probably just June's sweaters. I'm assuming they're all polyester. You threw my sweaters in there? Come on, James. killing in the name of never look back, James. Don't worry. I won't. Some of those sweaters were expensive. No, they weren't.